Organizational Leadership

Select one:

a.

Drop the matter

b.

Resolve it

c.

Coach the member

d.

Manage him or her out with Just Cause

e.

Give him or her another chance

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If a misbehaving member is 
willing to resolve a difficult situation, you should:

Select one:

a.

drop the matter

b.

dismiss him or her

c.

manage him or her out with Just Cause

d.

resolve it

Question 10

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If you want to have better team members:

Select one:

a.

Teach them life skills

b.

Take them to parties

c.

Give them money

d.

Invite only older people to join your team

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In conversation, the person who asks the questions:

Select one:

a.

Talks too much

b.

Needs to listen more

c.

Tends to dominate the conversation

d.

Is in control of the conversation

Question 12

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Leaders strive to employ the skillful use of questions that allows members to ___________.

Select one:

a.

wonder why the leader asks so many questions

b.

save face and self-correct

c.

have the last word

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Mentoring encompasses both ______ and ______, but it goes a step further. Mentors have a ______ interest in the other person that goes beyond the typical relationship.

Select one:

a.

training / counseling / deep

b.

coaching / training / deep

c.

coaching / counseling / vested

d.

coaching / counseling / natural

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Performing regular coaching and feedback sessions with your members:

Select one:

a.

is like performing Preventive Maintenance

b.

means training them to be more technically savvy

c.

means caring enough to train them

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Please choose the correct statement:

Select one:

a.

Deductive Questions are short, pointed, probing, and logical questions asked in a thoughtful and deliberate manner designed to shut someone up.

b.

Deductive Questions are short, pointed, probing, and logical questions asked in a thoughtful and deliberate manner designed to draw someone out.

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Leaders succeed by helping others to:

Select one:

a.

Succeed

b.

Be better followers

c.

Get more recognition

d.

Save money

Question 17

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Short of a crisis or emergency, when a team member asks a question, 
_________ answer their question.

Select one:

a.

never

b.

if it is a good question, go ahead and

c.

always

d.

if you have the time, go ahead and

Question 18

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The communication technique used to minimize a defensive reaction in another person is called:

Select one:

a.

Avoiding the Issue

b.

Not Catching the Ball

c.

Side-Stepping the Issue

d.

Word Softeners

Question 19

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The difference between “responding” and “reacting” is: (
Choose all that apply)

Select one or more:

a.

“Reacting” is a rational or logical approach

b.

“Responding” is a rational or logical approach

c.

“Responding” is an emotional approach

d.

“Reacting” is an emotional approach

e.

Both “reacting” and “responding” involve the same thing

Question 20

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The first step in dealing with difficult team members is:

Select one:

a.

Handling the situation promptly

b.

Seeking to avoid such behavior by performing regular coaching and feedback sessions

c.

Dismissing them

d.

Letting the behavior slide

Question 21

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The most important thing to do after asking a question is to _____.

Select one:

a.

ask another question

b.

walk away so the other person can think it over

c.

stare at the other person to make them answer

d.

answer your own question

e.

shut up

Question 22

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The phrase, “Any attempt to control, change, undermine, or demean another person” is the 
definition for:

Select one:

a.

Negativity

b.

Gossiping

c.

A boundary violation

d.

Passive-Aggressive behavior

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The Two Most Important Relationship Questions can be used for a variety of purposes including:

Select one:

a.

When to end a relationship

b.

When to dismiss a member

c.

What areas of improvement a member should focus on

d.

Which people to invite to be members

e.
All of the above

f.
Some of the above

Question 24

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The two rules for dealing with unacceptable behavior are: (
Choose two answers)

Select one or more:

a.

Call him or her on it assertively—do not let it go

b.

Put the “Burden of Proof” back on him or her by using the Art of Deductive Questioning

c.

Refuse to let anyone get away with unacceptable behavior

d.

Don’t call him or her on it immediately–wait for some time to pass

Question 25

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When addressing a performance issue or unacceptable behavior, the discussion is not over until:

Select one:

a.

you walk away

b.

you decide it’s over

c.

a commitment is gained, one way or the other (yes or no)

d.

the other person walks away

Question 26

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When conducting 
training, the trainer usually talks ______ the trainee.

Select one:

a.

more than

b.

less than

c.

the same as

Question 27

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When doing general counseling of members, the counselor usually talks ______ the other person.

Select one:

a.
less than

b.
more than

c.
the same as

Question 28

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“Managing a member out” means to:

Select one:

a.

Do the right thing

b.

follow your Standards and Protocols for dismissing members

c.

Act with Just Cause

d.
All of the above

Question 29

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“We met…; We discussed…; We agreed…” describes a method of:

Select one:

a.

having a conversation with a member

b.

documenting a member’s behavior

c.

meeting with a member

d.

having a brainstorming session with members

e.

recording a client interview

Question 30

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A sexual harasser is almost always the victim’s supervisor.

Select one:

True

False

Question 31

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A victim of sexual harassment may be a woman or a man but the harasser must be of the opposite sex.

Select one:

True

False

Question 32

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Coaching primarily refers to an ongoing process of impromptu and/or scheduled training designed to enhance the skill level of team members.

Select one:

True

False

Question 33

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Counseling is a form of coaching that’s generally performed in a therapeutic or disciplinary situation.

Select one:

True

False

Question 34

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While a mutual fund NAV rises and falls with the market, a PNAV doesn’t ever have to fall.

Select one:

True

False

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© 2010 International Church of Metaphysical Humanism, Inc. All rights reserved • www.TFUniversity.org • Distribution Prohibited. Page 1

Thomas Francis University • Course G381 • Segment 3

—Douglas R. Kelley, PhD, CH, CSL

Upon Completion of this Segment, You Will Know:

 How to develop your Team Mission, Vision, and Shared Values.

 Your Team Mission Statement.

 Your Team Vision Statement.

 Your Team Shared Values Statement.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but
the really great make you feel that you too can become great.

—Mark Twain

he process of defining your team mission, vision, and values will help you and your team to

be on the same page as well as minimize potential problems. Your team mission, vision, and

values statements are meant to support and underpin your company’s overall mission, vision,

and values, therefore, you will want to use these as your master.

Different definitions and descriptions exist on the difference between a mission and vision state-

ment. The following definitions are meant to keep things simple:

Mission Statement: A Mission Statement is a concise statement describing your team’s

purpose and reason for existence.

Vision Statement: A Vision Statement can be longer than a Mission statement and simply

describes how you will accomplish your Mission and where you see yourself in the future.

Take some time now to outline suitable Mission and Vision statements for your team. Once you’ve

completed a basic draft, present it to your team for their input. Share your leadership by getting your

employee’s ideas and thoughts on the matter. Don’t skip the exercises in this segment; you will need

them for the Course Assignment.

The following questions may help you in composing your Mission and Vision statements:

 Why are we doing this?

 What do we hope to accomplish?

Segment 3: Defining Your Team Mission, Vision, and Shared Values

© 2010 International Church of Metaphysical Humanism, Inc. All rights reserved • www.TFUniversity.org • Distribution Prohibited. Page 2

 What do we hope to contribute to the field?

 What kind of reputation do we want to establish?

 How will we ensure the credibility of our team?

 What will make our team different and unique?

Please pause and complete your Team Mission and Vision Statements now. If you are not yet a

manager, simply create a Team Mission and Vision Statement as an exercise

Now that you’ve completed your Mission and Vision statements, it’s time to complete your Shared

Values statement. Your Shared Values statement simply describes your team’s core values, e.g., hon-

esty, dependability, effective communication, stability, reasonableness, acting responsibly and pro-

fessionally, etc. These core values are essentially the core values you and your employees already

possess and use in life.

A generic example of a Shared Values statement follows. It is merely a concise method and you

are free to expand or modify it as you desire.

OUR SHARED VALUES: We believe in professional, courteous, and ethical conduct. We

respect fellow team members and afford them the same dignity we individually desire.

We believe in communication that is calm and non-accusatory. We respect and willingly

cooperate with other departments and personnel. We take pride in who we are, and

we safeguard our reputation in the field above all else.

Similar to the Mission and Vision statements exercise above, draft an initial Shared Values state-

ment below that comprises what you would want included.

Now that you have a basic idea of what you want, present it to your team for their input. Getting

your team involved in developing your Shared Values is extremely important for a variety of reasons:

 Promotes the Ownership Attitude;

 Builds trust and self-esteem;

 Builds a team-oriented attitude;

 Gives everyone a foundation for interpersonal relationships.

In addition, if each team member has a part in determining your Shared Values and then signs off

on it, you will have ammunition, so to speak, if any one of them violates it. If necessary, you can

point out to the violating employee that he or she had a part in ratifying the Shared Values and

therefore must abide by it.

As a reminder, be sure to take into consideration your company’s policies as well as Mission and

Vision statements when developing your document. You may even want to run it by HR to make sure

it doesn’t conflict with any company policies.

Once you and your team have completed the development of your Mission, Vision, and Share Values

statements, produce a single page document and have each employee make a commitment by signing

off on it. Also give each team member a personal copy. You may even want to make a poster-size

version to display in your work area(s).

© 2010 International Church of Metaphysical Humanism, Inc. All rights reserved • www.TFUniversity.org • Distribution Prohibited. Page 1

Thomas Francis University • Course G381 • Segment 1

—Douglas R. Kelley, PhD, CH, CSL

Updated: October 2, 2015

Upon Completion of this Segment, You Will Know:

 How to embrace your own personal growth.

 How to raise the Personal Net Asset Value of yourself and your team.

 Elements of an effective team.

 The differences between teams and groups.

 How to train your team.

 How to coach your team.

 The importance of coaching and feedback sessions.

 The Ownership Attitude vs. the Entitlement Attitude.

 Why and how to document employee behavior.

 How to conduct team member performance reviews.

The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches,

but reveal to them their own.

—Disraeli

ne of the primary roles you play as a leader and manager is to train and coach your em-

ployees. This segment discusses general coaching and training techniques while the next

segment will discuss specific difficult behaviors and discipline issues.

Continuing education should be a part of your team culture. If you don’t train your team, it will

be very difficult for them to work together cohesively. On the other hand, effective training will

make you and your team stand apart and will enable you to be far more proficient performing your

work. Remember, leaders replicate themselves and they do this by training and coaching.

However, in order to be an effective trainer and coach, you need to make sure that you train and

develop yourself first. What are you doing to develop you? I love the advice I picked up somewhere

along the line to “spend 15 minutes each day learning something new.” Fifteen minutes is not a long

time; it makes learning and development simple, and if it is simple, we are more likely to do it.

Segment 1: Training and Coaching Your Team

© 2010 International Church of Metaphysical Humanism, Inc. All rights reserved • www.TFUniversity.org • Distribution Prohibited. Page 2

As a manager, can you spend 15 minutes a day learning something new in your field? Or 15 minutes

a day learning about how to be a better leader (as you are right now)? Or 15 minutes a day learning

about something else that will help you to be a better, more knowledgeable manager and leader?

Fifteen minutes a day learning something new can be easy if you get into the habit. I regularly

visit several websites each day to keep up on news in various fields. I invariably find something intri-

guing and then do more research online. This easily swallows up 15 minutes (and longer, if truth be

told!), and I always learn something new that I can apply to my life, business, or writing subject

matter.

Fifteen minutes a day equals almost 100 hours each year of time invested in your own development

as a human being and leader. People who spend time refining and developing themselves tend to go

more places in life, attain higher positions in business, and earn a higher income. Can you imagine

how it will help you to deliver greatness to your field?

The objective here is to raise your personal net asset value as well as that of your people. In the

financial world, mutual funds carry a “net asset value” or NAV; it is much like the share price of an

individual stock. A mutual fund’s NAV will rise and fall with the market just as stocks do because

mutual funds are made up of many individual stocks (and/or bonds). Obviously, the higher the market

goes, the higher a mutual fund’s NAV will go and the more money you will make. But if the market

falls, so does the value of a mutual fund’s NAV.

Continuing education and personal growth are just like an ever-rising bull market. The more you

learn the higher your personal net asset value or “PNAV” goes. But the beautiful thing is that it never

falls. In other words, the more you learn, the more you know; and the more you know, the better

you’ll be at what you do—not to mention becoming a more effective leader and manager. Once you

learn something new, it can stay with you as long as you wish.

I readily admit that working on yourself is not always the easiest thing to do—it requires consistent

effort. This is why few people are really serious about improving themselves. They will spend thou-

sands of dollars on “things” and virtually ignore the very thing that will propel them further and

higher in all aspects of their lives and relationships. They just haven’t seen the benefits yet. And

while personal growth takes effort, that effort is well worth it when you consider the broader view

of happiness and fulfillment in life. Motivational speaker Charlie “Tremendous” Jones said, “Your life

will be the same in five years except for the books you read, the tapes you listen to, and the people

you walk with.”

What I’m really talking about here is to have an attitudinal bent toward growing as a human being.

If you have such an attitude, you will attract like-minded people into your “circle” and it will be

easier for your employees to follow your healthy example. Having a positive and healthy “growth

attitude” will also help you to cull your team of unhealthy employees because negative people are

effectively repelled by positive people. Like attracts like in human relationships; Unhealthy people

attract more unhealthy people and push away healthy people. Conversely, healthy people attract

more healthy people and push away unhealthy people.

So, as a leader, can you find a few minutes each day to learn something new? Will you make a

commitment to yourself and continue your personal development by training yourself first? It doesn’t

take much to make a big difference as long as it is consistent and habitual.

Segment 1: Training and Coaching Your Team

© 2010 International Church of Metaphysical Humanism, Inc. All rights reserved • www.TFUniversity.org • Distribution Prohibited. Page 3

Segment 1 Supplemental Audio: 3 Keys to Personal Development

NOTE: Before proceeding to the next section, please listen to the audio above on

the Course Page for a supplemental discussion of this section. This audio is part of

the course.

ELEMENTS OF AN EFFECTIVE TEAM

The concept of a “team” is different than the concept of a “group.” Even though I’ve used the

terms “team” and “group” interchangeably in this course (and will continue to do so), I’m going to

“split some hairs” for the moment and define the differences for this section.

Technically speaking, a “group” is a collection of people who work individually toward a common

goal and answer to a leader who deals with any performance or personnel issues that arise. Group

members don’t necessarily help one another to perform individual tasks or to reach goals. The group

mentality is “me” rather than “we.” Groups may contain dozens or hundreds of members.

On the other hand, a “team” is a collection of people with complementary skills who work together

toward a common goal with a shared vision. While there may be a team leader, teams are typically

self-directing and mutually accountable. Team members also help one another to get the job done.

The team mentality is “we” rather than “me.” As a general rule, teams operate best with between

four and 12 members.

As you can see, it is difficult to distinguish much significant difference between “groups” and

“teams.” Perhaps another way to look at the differences is to think of a team as a family working

together toward a common goal. With a family, each member works together, helps each other, and

isn’t afraid to voice opinions when necessary. They work together well because they know each other

well and have complementary skills. They also share a common purpose and vision. The family team

will often have a father or mother as the “team leader.”

A “group,” on the other hand, is a collection of people brought together for their individual abili-

ties to fulfill a specific goal. Each one does what he or she is supposed to do, but doesn’t necessarily

help out another member. Individual group members are not generally accountable for the end goal,

whereas on a team they are accountable.

To sum it up, team members work together to accomplish a goal; group members work individually

to accomplish a goal. Teams usually take time to develop whereas groups don’t. As a manager, you

should strive to combine the best of both worlds. Following is a list of combined elements from both

that seems to work well:

 Members work together toward the team’s mission, vision, and objectives.

 Members assertively relate to each other.

 The strengths and weaknesses of members complement each other.

 Each member is trained for all positions to the extent possible (cross training).

 Each member is part of the decision-making process to the extent possible (shared leadership).

 Each member pulls his or her own weight (The Two Most Important Relationship Questions).

Segment 1: Training and Coaching Your Team

© 2010 International Church of Metaphysical Humanism, Inc. All rights reserved • www.TFUniversity.org • Distribution Prohibited. Page 4

 The team is kept as small as functionally possible.

 The manager is the Team Leader and the final authority.

Keep the above elements in mind as you determine how big your team will be and who you will

hire. It’s best to invite only those individuals who satisfy a specific need and who fit your team. Think

of open positions or areas of need on your team as holes, and then seek to fill those holes with

competent individuals. Once you’ve filled all the holes, you no longer need employees.

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR TEAM

Training can take a number of forms and can happen in a number of ways. The most obvious

manner is direct teaching. This usually occurs at team meetings, onsite demonstrations, and such. In

order to make training effective, you will need to assess your team to discover areas of need. This is

usually not that hard; you will typically notice when things don’t run smoothly. Even if things are

running smoothly, you will still want to schedule routine training to further enhance your team and

their abilities.

And don’t forget about the importance of training your employees in life-skills. If you want better

employees, teach them life-skills such as relationship and communication techniques. This is why the

TFU Degree Program goes to such lengths in the areas of self-concept and relationships. I wholeheart-

edly recommend that you require employees to get personal growth training from time to time. It

keeps them on the right track and provides a foundation for future training.

Understand that the training process can take weeks or months, depending on how active you are

as a team. It has long been known that people go through four phases when they are learning some-

thing new. I will first discuss these four phases broadly, and then apply them to a specific scenario:

1. Unconscious Incompetent: The person doesn’t know that they don’t know what they are

doing.

We see this trait often in society when people say or do things without thinking. Far too many

people don’t really stop to think about whether they know how to do something effectively

and often end up performing shoddy work or acting irresponsibly. What’s more, many don’t

care to learn how to do things effectively. Unfortunately, we see this trait among many par-

anormal startup groups who end up doing more damage to the client than if they hadn’t “in-

vestigated” at all. They can’t seem to comprehend the concept of “Do No Harm.” These are

the kind of people you want to avoid inviting to join your team in the first place. Use the

screening techniques from Course G380, Segment 4 to identify prospective members who dis-

play careless, reckless, or irresponsible tendencies. These types of people are the hardest to

train because they lack the fundamental and necessary trait of common sense.

2. Conscious Incompetent (many people begin a new position at this phase): The person

knows that they don’t know what they are doing.

Most of your new team members will be at this stage when they join. Your job is to get them

to the next phase by filling in the blanks on research standards, protocols, equipment usage,

etc., and giving them the opportunity to practice and demonstrate their new found skills.

Segment 1: Training and Coaching Your Team

© 2010 International Church of Metaphysical Humanism, Inc. All rights reserved • www.TFUniversity.org • Distribution Prohibited. Page 5

3. Conscious Competent (the best place to be): The person knows what they are doing, but

they have to think about it.

The paranormal field requires a diverse knowledge and skill base because researchers don’t

often see quite the same phenomena on every case. Therefore, this phase is probably the best

place in which to stay in order to avoid complacency. With training, your members will have

a good foundation of routine matters, but they will also be able to assess each case on its own

merits without thinking each case is the same.

4. Unconscious Competent (this can lead to complacency): The person knows what they are

doing without thinking about it.

To be fair, there are many aspects of paranormal research that requires this phase (such as

equipment usage and research protocols), but in the broader sense, we must never think that

we’ve learned it all. For example, if after conducting numerous investigations we begin to

think that we can get a comprehensive understanding of the client’s claims from a phone call

alone, then we’ve likely become complacent. Various cases may have similarities, but no two

cases are exactly alike. Certain aspects of our research require this phase, but being an Un-

conscious Competent in other aspects can undermine our effectiveness.

Now that I’ve applied these four phases in the broader sense, let me discuss how they apply to

training your team on specific items. If you’ve hired the right type of person to your team, he or she

will already be at the second phase of learning: Conscious Incompetent. Since the new employee is

aware of his or her lack of knowledge, training is easier. When training, use the model of, “Tell them;

Show them; Let them; Give Feedback.” For example, explain how to do a certain task, show them

how to do it, watch them as they practice, and give feedback (coaching).

This model can be adapted to just about any training/coaching need. For example, suppose you

need to train an employee to be a customer service rep. Since this will involve a lot of customer

interaction, you want to make sure this person knows how to handle phone calls and customer ques-

tions effectively. First you “Tell them” by explaining what you’ve learned in this area. Then you

“Show them” and “Let them” by doing some role playing using a typical call-scenario, and then you

“Give feedback.” Once you are satisfied that the employee can handle the position competently, you

again “Let them” with real customers and follow up with feedback as necessary.

Make training an important part of your team meetings and a mandatory part of your team philos-

ophy.

Cross Training Your Team

No good leader or manager would ever place all of his or her “eggs in one basket,” so to speak.

Therefore, it is critical that you cross train your employees so that each one is at least able to ade-

quately perform all necessary tasks. At least two employees should be trained and capable of per-

forming critical tasks. Regardless of the employee, things change from time to time in everyone’s

circumstances, not to mention the possibility of an accident or other event the precludes the primary

employee from performing the task. Cross training your employees will save you potential headaches.

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HOW TO COACH

To “coach” literally means to “train,” however, it also carries the connotation of enhanced train-

ing after the initial training has been done. A more accurate definition of “coaching” is to “develop.”

Coaching is an ongoing process of impromptu as well as scheduled training designed to enhance the

skill level of

employees.

A coach’s primary tool is the skillful use of questions, but kind, direct remarks are also in order at

times. An example of a direct remark might be, “I noticed that you are walking when using the Tri-

Field Natural meter. That model actually works best when it is stationary. You may want to keep that

one next to the transmitter and use the K-II meter to walk with.” Notice how I “softened” my words.

Different circumstances require different approaches. One situation may lend itself to using ques-

tions, while a direct remark may be a better choice in a different situation. I could have also framed

a question to deal with the same issue as in the previous paragraph, for example, “I noticed that you

are walking when using the Tri-Field Natural meter. Are you trying something new?” Perhaps the new

employee replies, “I’m doing a baseline sweep of the transmitter for EMFs.” You could then follow

up with a direct remark, “That model actually works best when it is stationary. It reacts when phys-

ically moved and it is a DC meter as well, which means it picks up on natural EMFs. You may want to

keep the Tri-Field still and use the K-II meter to get your baseline reading. Since the K-II is an AC

meter, it’s better suited to man-made EMFs. Does that make sense?” Notice the initial question as

well as the tag on question at the end to elicit a response.

Another coaching opportunity occurs when an employee asks you a question of which he or she

ought to know the answer, or could easily look up the answer. This was briefly mentioned in Course

G380, Segment 2 as reverse delegation. A general rule of thumb that you should employ in this kind

of scenario is: When a team member asks a question, never answer his or her question unless it’s a

crisis or emergency. I’m not referring to mundane questions here; I’m referring to questions that

involve training issues. Don’t directly answer the question unless there is a good reason. Instead, ask

a question or series of questions that leads the member to the correct conclusion on his or her own.

By employing the skillful use of questions at the appropriate time, you will actually help your

employees to grow and learn to think for themselves. We don’t want to build a team of automatons

or mindless followers. We want to build a team of like-minded people who are self-sufficient and who

know how to make things happen. Instead of answering every question, encourage your employees to

embrace the concept of “look it up first; ask questions later.” Of course, human nature is at work

here in that asking questions without making any effort to find the answer is taking the path of least

resistance.

When people ask first without making any effort to find the answer, it taxes your time needlessly.

Again, I am speaking generally here; there will be times when you should answer their questions

directly. But choose wisely so that you are not overloaded and they learn to find answers on their

own. Here’s a practical example of how you could handle an employee asking you a question the

answer of which he or she could look up:

EMPLOYEE: How do I upload a file again to the server?

YOU: Have you checked the video tutorial on how to do it?

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EMPLOYEE: No.

YOU: You can find it in the library section of the company’s website. It will show you

exactly how to do it. Let me know if you have any questions.

EMPLOYEE: I’m not sure I can find the video in the forum.

YOU: Have you looked?

EMPLOYEE: No.

YOU: It’s in the library section under “video tutorials” and I’m sure you can locate it

easily. Let me know if you have any questions.

It always amazes me that people will almost spend more time and effort trying to get a quick

answer than if they actually looked it up. People remember things better when they actually do the

task.

Another coaching tool that you should use on occasion is role-playing. It is especially useful in

coaching an employee on dealing with other employees or customers. For example, perhaps a certain

employee didn’t handle a situation with another employee appropriately maybe even saying some-

thing out of turn. Briefly role playing the scenario can help the offending employee to learn how to

handle it better next time. For role playing to work best, each person should stay in character. Role

playing may feel a bit awkward at first, but the benefits are real.

Coaching, Counseling, and Mentoring

Coaching, counseling, and mentoring may sound like different words for the same thing, but there

are some slight differences. As discussed above, coaching primarily refers to an ongoing process of

impromptu and/or scheduled training designed to enhance the skill level of employees.

Counseling is a form of coaching that’s generally performed in a therapeutic or disciplinary situa-

tion. “Coaching,” “training,” and “counseling” are virtually interchangeable because sometimes you

will coach to train and sometimes you will coach to counsel. When conducting training, the trainer

usually talks more than the trainee because the trainer is teaching. When doing counseling, the coun-

selor talks less than the other person because the counselor is asking open-ended questions in an

effort to draw the other person out and seek resolution. Use coaching in the counseling mode when-

ever you need to coach an employee on an important issue related to performance or discipline.

Mentoring encompasses both coaching and counseling, but it goes a step further. Mentors have a

vested interest in the other person that goes beyond the typical relationship. Bob Proctor, an author

and speaker, said, “A mentor is someone who sees more talent and ability within you than you see in

yourself, and helps bring it out of you.” Think about someone who mentored you in the past. Didn’t

he or she have a vested interest in seeing you succeed? A mentor often sees him or herself in the

other person and therefore wants to help. Indeed, we have all had many mentors at various times in

our lives (whether we identified them as such or not), and will continue to have them in the future.

Anyone whose behavior you emulate is effectively a mentor for you.

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While you can coach or counsel any employee, you don’t usually mentor every employee. A men-

tor/mentee relationship usually forms because two people “connect” on a deeper level; they identify

with each other and have a lot in common. You are not going to connect or identify wi th every

employee on this level, which is fine. You can still coach every employee to excellence.

COACHING AND FEEDBACK SESSIONS—THE FIRST STEP TO AVOIDING PROBLEMS

In any business or other operation, there is usually equipment that requires maintenance. From

copiers to computers to vehicles to other pieces of equipment, they all require regular attention to

maintain proper working order. This regular attention is known as “Preventive Maintenance” (PM)

and can include cleaning, adjusting, and parts replacement. Just about every piece of equipment

made has a “PM Cycle” with maintenance protocols scheduled according to the time frame and degree

of use.

Years ago when I was in the office equipment industry, I found out very quickly that when we got

behind in doing our PM calls, we ended up spending all our time “putting out fires.” We went from

one crisis to another crisis to another. Then there was no time to do the preventive maintenance

calls because we were so busy taking care of problem calls, which only led to more problem calls.

We then had to work overtime to not only take care of the problem calls that were continually coming

in (which was not good customer service either), but also to get the PM calls back on track. Once the

PM calls were back on track, then we only had the occasional “fire;” the occasional crisis to deal

with. Business was then much easier to handle. So often in life, that which takes a short time to

neglect, takes a long time to correct.

Businesses usually spend a lot of time, effort, and money on marketing, sales, acquiring equip-

ment, setting up websites, establishing policies, and tending to other necessary business. How much

time, effort, and money are you spending on maintaining your people? Your employees along with

your clients are your two most valuable assets. Do your employees not deserve at least as much

attention as the other necessary things with which you deal? Indeed, they certainly deserve more.

Performing regular coaching and feedback sessions with your employees is like scheduled Preven-

tive Maintenance and is the first step in dealing with difficult employees. A lack of regular feedback

and coaching only serves to engender a fertile ground for problems, difficult behaviors, poor perfor-

mance, and negative attitudes to develop and flourish. And then it becomes much more difficult and

time consuming to change these behaviors. Again, what took a short time to neglect, takes a long

time to correct.

How can you implement your own “Preventive Maintenance” Program? Simply by scheduling time

to talk individually with your employees to give and get feedback. How often should you talk? Often

enough to develop your people and coach them for growth. I personally believe that you should

schedule time to talk with your employees at least once a month (in addition to typical everyday

discussions). In any event, make it regular. Coaching and feedback sessions don’t have to take a long

time. They can last from 15 minutes to how ever long you need at the moment. The important thing

is to begin doing them.

As you implement your PM program, let your employees know exactly why you are conducting the

sessions and exactly how they will work. Tell them that you are calling or meeting with them—not to

put them on the “hot seat”—but to simply see how things are going as well as to provide a forum for

helping them to grow.

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A great method for giving and getting feedback that we use in training is the concept of “LB’s”

and “NT’s” which stand for, “Liked Best” and “Next Time.” When giving feedback, you could say,

“Here’s what I Liked Best about how you performed that task…” and then give them your positive

feedback. If there was something they could have done better, tell them, “Here’s what you might

keep in mind for Next Time….” Always use both together starting with LB’s and be sure to explain

the definition of LB’s and NT’s to them too. And don’t forget to bring this feedback session “Full

Circle” by asking for LB’s and NT’s on you and your leadership as well. Leadership means not taking

yourself too seriously.

Perhaps you feel like some managers who say, “I’m too busy and have way too many things going

on to meet with my people as often as you recommend.” If so, remember the advice from our previous

discussion that adds perspective to the matter of “things” and people: Things only matter to the

extent that they benefit somebody. If you completely remove the people element from your business

(employees and customers), will you still have a business? Of course you won’t. Do you see just how

important people are? It is obviously true that things do need to get done. But without people,

“things” would no longer matter and you simply would not be where you are now. Don’t be so focused

on getting “things” done, that you neglect your employees; for they are the source of your success

or your failure as a team and company.

Why not take action now by implementing or refining your own Preventive Maintenance program?

It is the first step to an efficient team as well as in handling difficult employees; for this is where you

will identify and minimize many difficult behaviors. This will in turn strengthen your leadership as

well as your team.

The Ownership Attitude vs. the Entitlement Attitude

In the business world, far too many employees are infected with a sense of entitlement that is

characterized by the attitude of “the company owes me and is here for me, not the other way around;

whatever I take, I deserve.” These types of employees will then proceed to take and take and take,

all the while feeling no ethical dilemma of returning less than they give. This disparity is called the

Entitlement Attitude.

Conversely, every now and then you see a company whose corporate philosophy engenders the

Ownership Attitude which is characterized by an employee taking an active interest in the company

by mentally considering that he or she is part owner of the company. This kind of employee under-

stands that in order for the company to succeed, he or she must consistently give more than they

take. Employees with the Ownership Attitude show initiative, deliver superior customer service, and

almost manage themselves. These types of employees typically benefit from the company’s success

to a greater degree.

Like many things in life, the Pareto Principle works here too. The Pareto Principle is commonly

known as the 80/20 Rule and was suggested by management consultant Joseph M. Juran who named

it after Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto.1 The Pareto Principle states that 80% of the effects come

from 20% of the causes.

While not always an exact figure, the Pareto Principle can be used as a rule of thumb in many

areas. For example, 80% of your team problems will come from 20% of your employees; 80% of your

1 Wikipedia. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/80-20_rule.

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sales will come from 20% of your customers; and 80% of the Ownership Attitude will come from 20%

of your employees.

As a leader, you want to create a climate that encourages the Ownership Attitude among your

employees. You can do this through your team philosophy, regular training, coaching, feedback, and

holding employees to appropriate accountability. You can also create an Ownership Attitude climate

by setting goals that require you and your employees to stretch a bit. One way is to encourage them

to become authorities and experts in the field (if applicable) by being active, writing articles and

books, lecturing, etc. Of course, most of your employees will not have the desire to do any of this,

but they can still display the Ownership Attitude by performing their jobs efficiently and showing

initiative where appropriate.

The Ownership Attitude is what separates those who excel and those who don’t.

DOCUMENTING EMPLOYEE BEHAVIOR

The easiest way to track your members’ progress is to document things as they arise. Regularly

document important events, issues, or incidents so that you can address them as appropriate. A

simple way to do this is to have a file in your word processor for each employee. If and when positive

or negative performance issues arise, add an entry to the specific employee’s file listing the date and

a commentary of the event.

A great method that helps when documenting employee issues is: “We met…; We discussed…; We

agreed.” For example:

Mary and I met on Thursday, January 22, 2009. We discussed her lack of efficiency

when setting up for trade shows, specifically, taking too many breaks and standing

around while others work. We agreed that she will work faster, take fewer breaks, and

ask if she is not sure what to do next.

Your documenting notes may be necessary regarding legal issues arising from an employee’s be-

havior and can even be subpoenaed by a court. Therefore, document both good and poor behav-

ior/performance in non-emotional terms; state only facts. Keep your comments objective and without

value judgments. For example, instead of writing, “Mary is just too lazy,” write, “Mary needs to

improve on helping with equipment setup at trade shows.” Write as if others will read it, because

they just might and you will want to show by your statements that you as a manager are fair, reason-

able, and consistent.

Remember, “If it’s not written down, it didn’t happen.” Documenting employee behavior is also

a good way for you to remember events especially if the difficult behavior follows a pattern that

erupts infrequently over time. By documenting your employee’s performance on a regular basis, you

will also be able to identify specific coaching areas as well as remember items that need to be ad-

dressed in the performance review.

Finally, your documenting notes are private and for your use only unless requested by an authority

such as HR or the court. This means that you are not under any obligation to share your notes with

employees.

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PERFORMANCE REVIEWS

Another aspect of coaching and training is performing employee performance reviews on a regular

basis. It allows your employees to know where they stand and also helps you and them to identify

areas in which they excel and areas that need improvement. Doing performance reviews promotes

healthy and regular communication between you and your employees. As a leader, it will also help

you to develop your people which will, in turn, enhance your overall team.

The frequency of performance reviews is largely up to you, however, I recommend that you con-

duct them semi-annually. Performance reviews don’t need to take a long time either. Try to conduct

your reviews in person, if possible, otherwise, conduct them over the phone if geographical distance

is an issue. Please note that performance reviews are conducted in addition to your regular feedback

and coaching sessions.

A strong word of caution is appropriate here: Never, ever, ever put off doing a performance re-

view! Ever! Always conduct your performance reviews at the prescribed time. This is especially true

if the employee is in line for a raise. When you put off or delay doing performance reviews, you are

unwittingly sending your employees the message that they are “just not that important.” And if a

potential raise is involved, you are now essentially screwing with their paycheck and you never screw

with someone’s paycheck! The delaying of performance reviews plants tiny seeds of negativity in

employees that can and will lead to further problems and low morale. Show your employees the

respect they deserve by conducting performance reviews on time.

You likely already have a performance review form used in your company or organization. If not,

or if you are developing a performance review form, a sample performance review form is available

in on the course page. You are free to modify this form as you choose. You’ll note that the rating

scale consists of only two criteria: 1: Under Development; and 2. Meets/Exceeds Expectations. Your

goal should be to encourage employees to grow and excel. Your job is to help them succeed in a

positive way, not weigh them down with negatives. Using the 1 – 2 scale allows you to appraise the

employee’s need for improvement in a non-blaming manner. I deliberately avoided the term, “needs

to improve” because no one likes to hear that. However, we don’t mind “developing our skills.” This

is another example of softening your words.

To conduct a performance review, first examine the Performance Review Techniques chart at the

end of this segment that shows what to keep in mind before, during, and after the review. Conducting

a performance review is conceptually quite simple. You simply need to answer The Two Most Im-

portant Relationship Questions in your mind (as discussed previously). To reiterate, they are 1) What

do I bring to this relationship? and 2) What does the other person (employee) bring to this relationship?

Use the Two Questions worksheet on the course page as a guide before you fill out the actual perfor-

mance review form.

Using The Two Most Important Relationship Questions makes your job much easier when appraising

team members in that you praise and commend the employee for the things he or she “brings to the

table,” and use the things that he or she “takes away from the table” as a ready-made development

program for the subsequent period. These two questions are invaluable in determining which areas

are in need of coaching and training, especially if you are having a hard time figuring out specifically

where the employee needs to improve. Incidentally, if you believe an employee needs to improve in

some area, make sure that you are not contributing to the employee’s problem by your own behavior

or attitude.

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Also, make sure you always give credit where credit is due. If an employee deserves a top score

on a review item, then give him or her that top score. Unfortunately, far too many managers are

under the false and demoralizing assumption that no employee should ever receive the highest score

in any area. They reason that if a top score is given, the employee will have nothing left to work on.

Many managers also falsely reason that “nobody is perfect, therefore, nobody should ever get the

highest score.” Both of these lines of reasoning are outright rubbish and any manager who believes

in such absurdities has no clue about human nature.

Consider the true-life case study from one of my past seminar attendees. “Kathy” was a manager

who worked hard and conscientiously at her job. She did not miss a single day of work over the

previous year, nor was she tardy even once. When it came time for her performance review, her

manager wanted to give her a “4” instead of a “5” (the top score) for the attendance section on her

review. When she asked how she could improve in this area, her manager told her that “nobody gets

a ‘5’ because nobody is perfect.” She stood her ground and again asked how she could improve in this

area since her attendance record was perfect. Her manager finally gave in and Kathy received a “5”

for attendance.

Let’s assume, for discussion, that Kathy did not get the highest score for attendance on her review.

What do you think her attendance record would be like for the upcoming year? You guessed it; she

would have had no compelling reason to maintain a perfect record because, frankly, it doesn’t really

matter to upper management. She could have easily reasoned, “What difference does it make to be

here every day? I was here every day for a whole year and I still didn’t receive any real credit.”

In such a case, guess what would have just been planted? A not-so-tiny seed of negativity which

will only lead to further negativity, and all caused by a manager who didn’t understand human nature.

It can be quite demoralizing when an employee has worked hard toward a development goal only to

not receive credit; it may leave him or her with an “I can’t win” attitude. Do not make such a mistake

when doing performance reviews.

The overall point of doing performance reviews is to encourage and develop your people. There-

fore, performance reviews should be an event to which your employees look forward, not dread.

Employee Development Plans

When an employee needs development in a specific area, create a development plan, also known

as a Performance Improvement Plan. Involve the employee in the development plan as well by asking,

“What are your thoughts/feelings on improving in this/these area(s)?”

Show the benefits of improvement in a way the employee can understand. Remember, “A person

convinced against his or her will is of the same opinion still.” Like you, the employee is always asking,

“What’s in it for me? (WIIFM)” Be sure to answer this question.

Also be sure to continue coaching the employee in conjunction with the development plan. Also,

make improvement criteria measurable. You need to know how and when a development goal is

attained.

After working with the employee to develop the plan, gain his or her commitment. It is not over

until you gain a commitment.

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Getting Full-Circle Feedback

Before the performance review is over, be sure to get feedback from the employee on how you

are doing. This can be done easily by using “LB’s” and “NT’s.” Ask the employee what he or she likes

best about your management and leadership. Then ask about areas in which you can improve. Be sure

to put the employee at ease by letting him or her know that you are also trying to improve. This will

make it easy for the employee to be candid.

Make the commitment to regularly train and coach your employees, and you will soon reap the

benefits! Additionally, you will tend to avoid difficult employee behavior, which is discussed in the

next segment.

[See chart below.]

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Performance Review Techniques

1. Before

a. NEVER delay or put off a Review for any reason.

 Putting off a Review sends the message, “You
are just not that important” to the employee

b. Review employee’s Job Description

c. Begin with the end in mind; have an objective;

know where you are going

 Define clear expectations with measurable re-
sults

d. Ask yourself the “Two Most Important Relationship
Questions:”

1. “What do I bring to this relationship?”

2. “What does the employee bring to this relation-
ship?”

e. Don’t take yourself too seriously!

2. During

a. Put employee at ease by creating a safe, positive,

and Win-Win atmosphere

 Explain what employee can expect during the

Review

 Conduct the Review in a comfortable, neutral
setting

 Strive for “same-side-of-the-desk” seating—

don’t sit face-to-face with a desk/table be-
tween you and the employee if at all possible

 Build rapport by using friendly, conversational
language and voice tone

 Express appreciation and commendation to the

employee for his/her contribution to the team
and willingness to grow and improve (if true)

 Use “LB’s” and “NT’s”

 LB = “Liked Best”

 NT = “Next Time”

 “Here’s what I liked best about [your per-

formance]…. Here’s what to keep in mind
next time….”

 Remain fair and unbiased by focusing on:

 Performance, not personalities;

 Resolution, not blame

 Valid, concrete, relevant issues rather
than subjective emotions and feelings

b. Communicate

 Encourage employee to talk by asking open-

ended questions

 Talking should be 50 / 50 or better (you
listen more)

 Listen carefully and thoughtfully

 Don’t say things in such a way that it puts the
employee on the defensive (use word soften-

ers)

 Be specific on any necessary areas of improve-
ment

 Focus 10% on relevant past; 30% on the pre-
sent; 60% on the future

c. Develop a Performance Improvement Plan (if nec-

essary)

 Involve employee in the development plan.

Ask, “What are your thoughts/feelings on im-
proving in this/these area(s)?”

 Show the benefits of im

provement

 Make improvement criteria measurable

 Reach an agreement with the employee on
performance improvement and method, and

then gain his/her commitment

d. Reiterate appreciation and thanks

 Build up and encourage the employee

 Express your confidence in him/her

 Reiterate that your job is to help him/her suc-

ceed

e. Give Credit Where Credit is Due

f. Full-Circle Feedback

 Ask employee for feedback (LB/NT’s) on how
you are doing as manager

 Ask employee for any suggestions on improving
as a leader

 Really listen to what he/she says and don’t

take offense

3. After

a. Accept and insist on personal responsibility

 Follow through on coaching employee for im-

provement

 Provide any necessary training

b. Communicate—keep the employee informed

 Do regular coaching and feedback sessions if
necessary

c. Grow from this experience!

Ask yourself, “What did I learn from this to make me

a more effective leader?”

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Thomas Francis University • Course G381 • Segment 2

—Douglas R. Kelley, PhD, CH, CSL

Updated: October 2, 2015

Upon Completion of this Segment, You Will Know:

 Four reasons for poor performance.

 The importance of embracing the differences in people.

 Steps for progressive

discipline.

 About sexual harassment in the workplace.

 The relationship between boundaries and difficult behavior.

 16 Powerful Assertive Confrontation and Discipline Techniques for Leaders.

 When to dismiss employees.

 How to dismiss employees.

 How the public sector and unions can differ from the private sector.

Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children.
In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Dif-
ficult behavior worked for them as children, and more importantly, it continues to work for
them as adults.

—Connie Podesta

nter-team relationships are extremely important and will affect the quality, professionalism,

and effectiveness of your company. Healthy relationships require healthy people. As the leader

of your team, you set the bar as to how the rest of your team will interact with each other.

They will follow your example—good or bad. By embracing the leadership techniques and people skills

contained in this course, you will set a healthy standard for your employees to follow.

However, problems with employees will arise from time to time even with the best of leaders.

These problems may be between employees, related to performance, or both. When problems do

arise, you as the manager are the one who will need to deal with them. This segment discusses many

advanced coaching and discipline techniques that will help you to deal assertively with problem em-

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

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ployees. As you study these techniques, try to visualize how you might use them with your own em-

ployees. You may not be placed in a position to use them all, but you should familiarize yourself with

them because they can be used in a number of life situations. You can also use this segment as a

reference in the future should you encounter employee problems.

In addition to this segment, the Addendum on the course page is provided as a reference for

handling several specific difficult behaviors including complainers, gossips, aggressive employees,

excuse-makers, negative employees, and those who make snide remarks. Specific language for you

to use in handling these poor behaviors is also featured.

REASONS FOR POOR PERFORMANCE

Poor team member performance usually results from one (or more) of four primary reasons:

1. They Don’t Know How to Do the Job (Knowledge). The solution is to train/coach the

employee. This reason is, of course, especially true among new employees.

2. They Can’t Do the Job (Aptitude). The employee simply doesn’t have the aptitude for the

job or specific job tasks. Another area of potential aptitude issues stems from a lack of

emotional maturity of the employee. Some adults just haven’t sufficiently developed emo-

tionally to deal effectively with others. With some of these types of people, training and

coaching just don’t seem to do much good because their issues run too deep. Therefore,

an aptitude problem may involve an employee simply being incapable of getting along with

other employees.

It is important to note that an aptitude issue cannot be fixed with training or coaching.

It really just boils down to the fact that the employee simply cannot do the job. The only

two fixes available for aptitude issues (depending on the nature) are: 1. Put the employee

in a job or position that he or she can do, or, 2. Dismiss the employee from the

team.

3. They Are Not Allowed to Do the Job (Excessive Interferences). This issue can happen

when a manager is over-controlling and micro-manages the employee to the point of the

employee not being able to perform. The solution is to train your people, communicate

outcomes and boundaries, and then let them do their job without getting in the way.

4. They Won’t Do the Job (Attitude). This issue directly involves an attitude problem with

the employee and can manifest in a number of ways including snide remarks, refusal to

follow policies and procedures, consistently missing deadlines, etc. If an employee exhibits

this kind of attitude, first find out what is behind their behavior, if possible, and then coach

him or her for resolution. If the employee doesn’t change, then the only solution is dismissal

from the team. If you keep an employee with a bad or negative attitude on the team for

very long, it will adversely affect the rest of the team. Therefore, deal with attitude issues

promptly.

IT TAKES EVERY KIND OF PEOPLE

While doing a leadership seminar on how to deal with difficult and challenging employees in At-

lanta, Georgia in the spring of 2005, “Judy” approached me privately afterward to discuss her chal-

lenging people. “I have four (subordinate) team leads who cannot get along with each other. They

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seem to bicker and fight over trivial and insignificant matters. What would you suggest I do to coach

them past this problem?”

Personality conflicts are common to just about any organization. I’ve trained and coached many

people in the area of dealing with difficult people. Whenever others ask me how to deal with it, I

reflect on my own experience.

When I was a young lad of 19 years old, I met a man at my church and, right away, I simply did not

like him. I can’t tell you why. He did not do or say anything wrong or improper. I just didn’t like him.

Now, this was a new experience for me, for even at that young age I wasn’t in the habit of judging

people at face value. But with him, I apparently did, and herein lies the lesson I learned. After talking

with and getting to know him, I found out something very interesting about him: He was a nice guy

and I liked him! There was nothing to substantiate my initial feelings and I knew him for over 15 years

afterward. I’ve thought about this experience many times since, and whenever I have a weird feeling

about someone that I’ve met for the first time, I try to get to know him or her better. As a result,

the feeling usually passes into the nothingness that it came from. And if it doesn’t, then the person

usually gives me a reason why. Either way, I don’t know for sure until I get to know them.

When dealing with employees who can’t get along, I believe that if they would just get to know

each other as human beings, they might just find they have more in common than they realize. This

means that the “good reasons” they had for bickering and infighting begin to evaporate.

So, how do you get employees to know one another better? One method is to give your employees

an opportunity to get to know each other beyond the job. This can include get-togethers and picnics,

to name a couple. Just giving your employees the opportunity to socialize may resolve personality

differences, at least to the point where your employees can work together.

Another method is to train your employees regarding the differences in people as well as in com-

mon human behaviors by using a behavioral profile, such as the IMHS Behavioral Profile offered in

Course G140: Metaphysical Psychology. Judy, mentioned above, used this method with good results.

About a month after my seminar in Atlanta, Judy emailed me to tell me that her four team leads had

taken the IMHS Behavioral Profile. She wrote,

They benefited by learning some differences between each other, and they realized

they could find a better way to communicate, without offense, just by being more

familiar with each other’s behavior patterns. All four Leads seemed to open their minds

up and question their own behavior. I could actually see the lights turn on above their

heads. I now intend to take more time to allow open discussion about the results of

the profiles.

As I’ve stated more than once, I hold that if you want better employees, teach them people skills.

Teach employees how they are individually different, and that it’s okay to be different. This is known

as Diversity Training in the business world. Wouldn’t it be great if educators taught our children this

kind of thing in school? Then maybe, just maybe, there would be less cruelty shown among school

children who grow up to become adults.

Once you train your employees on their differences, continue to remind and coach them regularly

until the new behaviors really take root and blossom. If you want to take it to another level, assign

one person to do the profile on another person anonymously. Do this only after everyone is familiar

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with the profile and make it a fun learning experience. It will demonstrate that others usually see us

differently than we see ourselves.

It pays to embrace the differences in people because, from a physical standpoint, there is only

one moment in which people are truly all the same: Death. If employees can’t get along after trying

the above suggestions, then you will have to take it to the next level; and that is to determine the

cause of the issue and eliminate it. This could mean dismissing the responsible employee(s) from the

team.

DEALING WITH BEHAVIORAL ISSUES

Regardless of the type of organization, behavioral issues will come up from time to time whenever

you have people working together. These unacceptable behaviors include complaining, employee

disputes, gossiping, aggressive behavior, negativity, excuse making, snide remarks, and even sexual

harassment1 (again, see the Segment 2 Addendum for specific ways of handling most of these difficult

behaviors). The higher the quality of individuals you hire, the fewer problems you’ll have. This is why

it is so important to do your homework up front when hiring employees because you’ll save yourself

time and grief later.

Bear in mind that every minute you have to deal with poor behavior and performance issues with

an employee is one minute stolen from more productive activities. Moreover, unresolved and contin-

uing behavioral issues adversely affect the entire team.

Conceptually, dealing with these problems is rather simple. My attitude is this: I understand there

will be team member issues occasionally—this is human nature—and as long as the employee is willing

to resolve the issue, I have no problem coaching him or her to that end. However, if I have to essen-

tially fight the person to make him or her understand the gravity of the situation, or if I have to

regularly deal with this same person over and over because of his or her behavior, I will dismiss the

employee and move forward without ever looking back.

Again, it’s simple. If an employee wants to bicker or fight or be negative or be whatever, I will

endeavor to coach that person to resolution. If that person refuses to make positive changes, that’s

fine; it’s his or her choice. However, if the employee chooses not to resolve it and wants to continue

with the poor behavior, then we part company. I will not try to control the person nor convince the

employee against his or her will. I will just respectfully cut him or her loose and move forward. I

simply do not have time to invest in futile high-school-type antics that only serve to waste my time,

adversely affect the team, and to distract us from our goals.

Progressive Discipline

“Progressive discipline” is a system used to deal with under-performing or misbehaving employees.

While your company likely has its own system, Progressive discipline generally consists of four steps:

1. Verbal warning; 2. Written notification (warning); 3. Suspension; and 4. Termination. The goal of

such a system is to try to resolve employee issues in an effort to keep them on the job. It also is set

up to ensure the concept of Just Cause. Just Cause reassures everyone that you are fair and will not

dismiss anyone without a just and solid basis. It also removes the foundation of any accusations

1 Sexual harassment policies and laws can vary according to country. For this reason, a discussion of sexual harassment is beyond the scope

of this course. Please consult your company’s policies, HR department, or legal counsel for specific information.

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launched by dismissed employees who may say you dismissed them unjustifiably, although this is

generally not an issue.

By the way, a better alternative to suspension is a “decision-making day of leave.” In this case,

the employee gets a day off to decide whether he or she wants to resign or correct the behavior by

outlining a plan for improvement. Some companies even pay the employee for this day off in an effort

to show good faith. If the employee returns and resigns, a problem is solved. If the employee returns

and wants to stay on, but doesn’t have a written plan, he or she is terminated (for insubordination).

If the employee returns with a plan, then you work with the employee but also make the employee

aware that there will be no second chances.

When taking an employee through progressive discipline, make sure that you tell the employee

exactly where he or she stands. For example, make sure the employee knows which step he or she is

on, and make sure he or she knows that the fourth step means dismissal. Additionally, ensure that

you have outlined exactly what the employee needs to do in order to correct the situation. Don’t

leave him or her hanging and not knowing what you expect. After giving an employee a warning, be

sure to document the incident for your own records and to use as a memory aid if neces

sary.

Generally speaking, don’t implement progressive discipline with minor issues that can be corrected

with a kind word or focused coaching. Progressive discipline is set aside for more serious violations

or when the minor issues become a pattern that isn’t corrected. In other words, only use progressive

discipline for infractions that could lead to dismissal according to your company’s policies. All em-

ployees should be familiar with how your system works.

Sexual Harassment

The definition of sexual harassment according to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Com-

mission (EEOC)1 is:

Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical con-

duct of a sexual nature constitute sexual harassment when this conduct explicitly or im-

plicitly affects an individual’s employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual’s

work performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment.

Sexual harassment can occur in a variety of circumstances, including but not limited

to the following:

 The victim as well as the harasser may be a woman or a man. The victim does

not have to be of the opposite sex.

 The harasser can be the victim’s supervisor, an agent of the employer, a super-

visor in another area, a co-worker, or a non-employee.

 The victim does not have to be the person harassed but could be anyone af-

fected by the offensive conduct.

 Unlawful sexual harassment may occur without economic injury to or discharge

of the victim.

 The harasser’s conduct must be unwelcome.

1 http://www.eeoc.gov/types/sexual_harassment.html.

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A fact sheet put out by the U.S. Department of Transportation defines sexual harass-

ment further1 as [sic]:

 unfulfilled threats to impose a sexual quid pro quo [getting something for

something].

 discussing sexual activities;

 telling off-color jokes;

 unnecessary touching;

 commenting on physical attributes;

 displaying sexually suggestive pictures;

 using demeaning or inappropriate terms, such as “Babe”;

 using indecent gestures;

 sabotaging the victim’s work;

 engaging in hostile physical conduct;

 granting job favors to those who participate in consensual sexual activity;

 using crude and offensive language

These statements should give you a broader understanding of what might constitute sexual har-

assment so that you can safeguard your team. It is important to note that sexual harassment is not

limited to opposite sexes. It can be same sex as well. Another key point is that sexual harassment is

not behavior based on mutual attraction, friendship, and/or respect. In other words, giving a team

member a hug is not a problem. However, if that hug is excessive and includes body rubbing and

inappropriate touching, it could constitute sexual harassment. Make sure you are familiar with your

company’s sexual harassment policy.

BEHAVIORAL ISSUES AND BOUNDARIES

All behavioral issues and infractions including sexual harassment can be summed up with two

words: boundary violation. If more people would simply respect the boundaries of others, we wouldn’t

have serious relationship problems, petty squabbles, and behavioral issues—not to mention crime and

war.

Course G90: Relationships and Healthy Boundaries discussed boundaries at length, but the subject

is also directly relevant to behavioral issues. Therefore, a portion of the information from the Course

G90 is repeated here with an emphasis on unacceptable behavior.

My definition of a “boundary violation” is: Any attempt to control, change, undermine, or de-

mean another person. It is not difficult to see how behavioral issues such as yelling, gossiping, and

negativity fit this description. As a manager, you will occasionally need to address attempted bound-

ary violations on the part of employees in an appropriate manner. Before you can develop an assertive

script to handle the boundary violation, you must be able to answer these questions:

1 http://www.dotcr.ost.dot.gov/Documents/complaint/Preventing_Sexual_Harassment.htm.

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1. What specific behavioral issue (boundary violation) are you addressing?

2. How did you feel or what did you think when the attempted boundary violation occurred?

Why?

3. What outcome do you desire?

4. What are you willing to do to get what you want? You must be at least willing to speak up

for yourself.

5. When, where and how should you deliver your message? For example, addressing a behav-

ioral issue immediately may not be in everyone’s best interests if other people are present.

On the other hand, you may have little choice. At the very least, address the issue with

the employee privately and strive to do so promptly.

6. What are the risks of saying nothing? It would be absolute denial to think that employees

are unaware of behavioral issues present in someone. If you say nothing to the responsible

party, the morale on your team will suffer greatly, and if you continue to look the other

way, your team will fall apart in due time.

With these questions in mind, use the following model to formulate your response to personal or

minor boundary violations:

“When you ____, I feel ____ [because ____]. Can I ask you to [not to] ____ again in the

future?” The last question is closed-ended and intended to solicit a yes or no response. If

the answer is no, then ask an open-ended question such as, “Why not?” to encourage

further dialog.

Here are some examples:

 “When you’re late, I feel frustrated because it puts the whole team behind. Can I ask you

to be on time in the future?”

 “When you take my things without asking, I feel disrespected. Can I ask you to check with

me before you use my things in the future?”

 “When you call me names, I feel hurt, angry, and verbally abused. Can I ask you to not

call me names again in the future?”

 “When you yell at me, I feel hurt and embarrassed. Can I ask you to not yell at me again?”

For more serious issues involving policies or boundary violations, you might need to be more direct:

1. “When you ____, I feel/understand/wonder/think ____ . Can I ask why/your position on

this?” The last question is open-ended and intended to draw the person into a positive

discussion with a focus on possible resolution.

2. Stated differently, you could say, “I couldn’t help but notice/overhear ____. Can you fill

me in on the details of why?”

3. Again, a different variation that might be used when an issue is obvious and has just oc-

curred might be, “Can I ask what that was about?”

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You will also need to determine what action(s) will be taken if the behavior continues. If the

employee is unwilling to resolve it, then you must know your next step (discussed below). Likewise,

if the behavior continues, your next step is to take the person through your steps of progressive

discipline.

Here are some examples:

 “When you don’t reply to my calls or emails in a timely fashion, I have to wonder how

serious and committed you are to this team. Can I ask your position on this?”

 “I couldn’t help but overhear you yelling at [employee name]. Can I ask why?”

 “I understand you made sexual advances toward [employee name]. Is this true?”

The above formats basically follow an action/consequence line of thinking: “If you do that, I will

do this. If you continue to do that, then I will do this.” This method is a softer and non-confrontational

approach that will often prove more effective in dealing with minor or major issues.

Understand that these are examples; you are free to fine tune them to your style, but don’t change

their essence. Also understand that your voice tone should be calm and deliberate when using these

examples and your body language should be open.

16 POWERFUL ASSERTIVE CONFRONTATION AND DISCIPLINE TECHNIQUES FOR LEADERS

In the Addendum for this segment, I discuss methods for handling specific unacceptable behaviors.

These methods are based on 16 techniques and principles that come from my own experience and

research in dealing with assertive conflict resolution and discipline. These principles also have appli-

cations outside of discipline or confrontation. The 16 techniques below include new information as

well as summarize some of the things we discussed in previous segments. This section should serve

as a reference guide to use when you have to deal with unacceptable behavior.

1. RESPOND, DON’T REACT (DON’T CATCH THE BALL)

Is there a difference between “responding” and “reacting?” Yes, “responding” is a rational or

logical approach, and “reacting” is an emotional approach.

I often illustrate the difference between responding and reacting in my seminars by playing

catch with a very soft, sponge-like ball (see video in Course G90: Relationships and Healthy Bound-

aries). When someone is angry or yells at us, or when an employee does something you’ve told

them not to do and a mistake results, we often “catch the ball” by taking ownership of it. We will

then often “react” by figuratively hurling the ball back at them.

But the real question is, barring any physical harm, do you ever have to “catch the ball?” No,

you don’t. When something comes at you out of the blue, take control of your natural instincts

and don’t catch it. Take your power back. Don’t catch the ball. Why not catch the ball? Simple,

because you don’t have to!

This doesn’t mean that you won’t deal with the situation; it just means that you won’t react to

it. You can then handle the situation on your own terms and at the most appropriate time. Establish

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self-control before hand by not allowing the other person to determine how you will behave. Re-

spond logically and without emotion. Calmly control yourself, endeavor to manage the situation,

and positively influence the other person.

As you do, maintain appropriate direct eye contact. Also do not discuss matters when either

you or the other person is emotionally charged (angry or crying). Allow for a cool down period if

necessary.

Don’t get caught up in who is right or who is to blame. It is not about who is right; it is not

about who is to blame. It is about resolution of the issue. Be willing to yield if appropriate. If it is

a matter of preference, then yield. If it is a matter of principle, policy, or law, then stand firm.

We all have a limited amount of emotional resources available at any given time. Be extremely

choosy as to whom and what will get your precious energy. Most matters including difficult people

are simply not worth the energy expenditure.

Many leaders allow their employees to vent frustrations in a healthy way. Remember, your

employees will vent to someone! Make that person you! Make it safe.

2. DO NOT TRY TO CONTROL OR CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON

Can you control other people? No! Can you change others? No! You cannot control or change

another person (it’s hard enough to change ourselves); furthermore, it is immoral to try. Can you

have a positive influence or impact on others? Yes, you can.

A sure-fire recipe for disaster in any relationship is one person trying to change or control the

other. Listen carefully: If you are at this time subtly or not so subtly trying to change someone

close to you into a better, more improved version of themselves, it is not a question of “if,” but a

question of “when” your relationship will fail.

If you approach your leadership from the standpoint that you can control or change others, you

will fail. You don’t like it when someone tries to change or control you, so don’t do it to others.

It is that simple.

Case Study: Lonnie is a good employee and is always on time for work. However,

one day, he is late. I don’t even say anything. The second day, Lonnie is late again.

So I say, “Hey Lonnie, I couldn’t help but notice you have been late the past couple

of days. Is everything okay?” He says that it was traffic problems. So I tell him no

problem and drop it.

On the third day, Lonnie is late again. I ask him about it, and he gives me some

mundane reason why he was late. I suspect that he is giving me an excuse, but have

no choice other than to take his word for it at this point. So I say, “I understand.

Lonnie, let me reiterate how important it is that you get to work on time. I depend

on you and need you here. Can I count on you being on time from now on?” He says

yes. I continue, “I appreciate that and I appreciate the good work you do for the

team. Thanks.”

On the fourth day, Lonnie is late again. I work with Lonnie, trying to coach him into

improvement, but he doesn’t respond and continues to be late. Something is up

with him, but he won’t talk about it, which is his prerogative. I am left with no

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choice but to take him through the steps of progressive discipline (verbal warning,

written warning, decision-making day of leave, termination). I ultimately have to

let Lonnie go.

So, did I control Lonnie? No. Did I change Lonnie? No. Was I trying to have a positive impact on

Lonnie? Yes. Does Lonnie have to arrive to work on time? NO! Why? Lonnie is an adult, he lives in

a free country, and he has the human right of Free Will to arrive whenever he wants to. However,

if he wants to be on my team, he has to arrive to work on time.

Do you see the difference? When you try to “make” people do things, it invariably fails. You

simply cannot “make” people do anything, but you can strive to be a positive influence.

Most people try to control other people, even in little ways. Have you ever said something like:

“Are you sure you should eat that piece of cake, Honey?” If you want the freedom to be who you

are, you must allow others the same freedom.

When it comes to employees, you have to hold them to accountability, of course. However, you

are only asking them to honor a commitment that they made, such as the commitment to arrive

to work on time as in Lonnie’s example.

Release your need to control or change other people. Once you do, you will feel far less stress

and people will want to follow your leadership.

3. EMPATHIZE WITH THE HUMAN CONDITION [DON’T BE A BREAKER OF SPIRITS]

I know something about you that you don’t know that I know. Intrigued? I know that sometimes

you feel up, and sometimes you feel down. I know that sometimes you think things just can’t go

wrong; other times, you feel they just won’t go right. I know that sometimes you feel confident

and self-assured; and sometimes you feel scared and all alone. Sometimes you feel excited and

ecstatic; other times, with a tear streaming down your cheek, you feel cut to the heart over some

matter and you don’t know what to do.

Am I right? Of course. How do I know this? Because we’re all human. There are things that drive

your behavior, such as past triumphs and defeats. There is a reason why you behave as you do.

This is true of every one of us.

Generally speaking, everyone is doing the best that they can with the knowledge and experience

they have at the moment. Armed with this understanding, leaders empathize and/or sympathize

with the plight of others. Therefore, they care enough to resolve the situation always keeping in

mind that a primary function of a leader is to succeed by helping employees succeed. Leaders

remain “Gentle-But-Firm,” while maintaining a healthy respect for the human condition.

Be careful that you don’t inadvertently “break their spirit” with a harsh, unkind approach in-

cluding your words.

4. HOLD PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY IN HIGH REGARD

We must all accept personal responsibility for our own behavior, actions, and mistakes. Personal

Responsibility is the foundation cornerstone of dealing effectively with difficult people. Therefore,

we must also require employees to take personal responsibility for their behavior, actions, and

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mistakes. An old management principle states: “What management permits, management con-

dones.” This means that we give our blessing to the things that we allow. In other words, we

enable and become an unwitting party to any unacceptable behavior that an employee might ex-

hibit as long as we allow it to continue.

I’ve already shared my Now or Later Rule with you a couple of times in this and other courses.

This principle cost me over $100,000 to learn, as well as immeasurable personal pain. Here is my

“Now or Later Rule again: “If you have a problem, you have a choice: You can either take care of

the problem now, or suffer longer and STILL take care of the problem later. But either way, you

WILL take care of it eventually or die from the pain (depending on the problem).”

This rule means that we must handle unacceptable behavior promptly. Promptly does not nec-

essarily mean instantly. It means at the soonest appropriate time. You may want to allow a cool

down period for the employee as well as some time to collect your own thoughts and decide on an

appropriate response.

If you are someone who avoids confrontation, you are not alone. But as a manager, you also

know that it is your responsibility to deal with difficult employees. One mindset that helped me

deal to effectively and promptly with difficult employees is to understand the reality behind any

inaction. When you do not handle a difficult employee because you don’t want the confrontation,

you are actually denying that person his or her human rights. How so? Because you are preventing

him or her from learning a life-lesson that they are morally entitled to learn by virtue of their

humanity. Never prevent others from learning life-lessons that is their right to learn. If the em-

ployee accepts your coaching, then great. If they don’t, then at the very least, you have not

deprived them of their opportunity to learn. Opportunities will continue to present themselves

until the employee does learn the lesson or until you dismiss him or her from the team.

5. USE WIN-WIN WORDS, VOICE TONE, AND BODY LANGUAGE

An English proverb says, “Use soft words and hard arguments.” This is assertiveness at its best.

Assertive leaders don’t say things in such a way that it puts another person on the defensive.

Assertive people may get frustrated; they may get angry. The difference between assertiveness

and aggressiveness is that assertive people may think it, they may feel it, but then they put it

through their “Nice Filter” and say it. Aggressive people just blurt it out without considering its

impact.

Body language is also important here and includes the following:

 Don’t invade another person’s personal space. Keep your distance at arm’s length;

 Don’t cross your arms; leave them at your sides, or in an “at-ease” position behind

your back;

 Match the other person’s eye level, e.g., if he/she is sitting, then you sit; if stand-

ing, then you stand;

 Watch facial expressions, e.g., don’t roll your eyes.

Make sure that your body language, voice tone, and words are congruent (in harmony), so you

don’t inadvertently send conflicting messages. Make sure the manner in which you frame your

words is Win-Win.

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6. BREAK THROUGH THE BARRIERS

In coaching a difficult employee, always endeavor to answer the “why?” question. Why are

they acting this way? What is the payoff they hope to gain by behaving in this way? Is their behavior

unusual for them? If so, break through the barriers to understand and resolve. As you do, keep

the following in mind:

 Endeavor to speak to his or her communication style. Learn the different communication

and behavioral styles of your team (see the IMHS Behavioral Profile in Course G140: Met-

aphysical Psychology). When coaching a difficult person, knowing his or her dominant style

will help you to know how to approach that person. For example, if the person is analytical

in nature, he or she may be rather reserved and quiet. You will need to give this type of

person time to process what you are saying. Be patient.

 Look beyond the face you see; search to identify any “positive intent” behind an angry

person’s outburst or mistake. This is an effective means of de-escalating a tense situa-

tion. For example, Hank, who has a temper, is upset and yelling at you about how another

team member is not doing what he needs so he can perform his job. Ask yourself, “What

is Hank really upset about?” He is upset because he wants to do a good job, but is not

getting the cooperation that he needs to do so. You could say, “Hank, I know you are

frustrated because you are not getting the cooperation you need to do your work. Let’s

see what we can do to get you the help you need.” You have not reacted to his outburst

and you have also identified what is fueling his frustration. This kind of looking-beyond-

the-face-you-see response to identify positive intent can help Hank to calm down and

move him into handling future situations properly.

 Really listen objectively and patiently to understand what he or she is truly saying,

and/or NOT saying. Use your powers of discernment to get a deeper understanding of the

behavior and situation. Listen.

 Remember, “Empathy absorbs tension.” This expression comes from the book, Verbal

Judo by Dr. George Thompson,1 a highly recommended book on effective communication

and gentle persuasion. By respecting the human condition and remaining empathetic, you

can remove the barriers that can come between them and you.

7. USE THE ART OF DEDUCTIVE QUESTIONING

“Deductive” means a conclusion forced by reason. Deductive Questions are short, pointed,

probing, and logical questions asked in a thoughtful and deliberate manner designed to draw the

employee out.

The idea behind Deductive Questions is to involve the person in resolving the situation by asking

questions—not by stating demands. The person who asks the questions is in control of the conver-

sation. By asking logical questions, you can figuratively “paint them into a corner” (logically speak-

ing) so that the employee is forced by reason to see your reasonable and rational conclusion. One

useful technique in this regard is to ask logical questions that result in “yes” answers. By so doing,

1 www.verbaljudo.com

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you establish a logical foundation upon which to build your argument. If done properly, the em-

ployee will not be able to refute your argument. Also, don’t be shy about asking difficult questions

assertively and tactfully.

Getting the employee’s input is based on the concept of human nature that “If you say it, then

it’s suspect. If they say it, then it’s true.” For example, if the employee brings you an idea that

you know will cost money to implement and you just blurt out, “We don’t have the money for

that!” it can appear to the employee that you are not interested in his or her idea or are just

blowing them off. If you use the Art of Deductive Questioning, you could handle it differently, for

example:

Employee: “I have an idea that could help us become more efficient in…” [the employee

then explains the idea]

You: “Doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all. Let me play the devil’s advocate for a moment.

To implement your idea, it will require some money. Where will we get the money from?”

Employee: “We could take it from the budget.”

You: “And if we don’t have any money in the budget, then where would we get it?”

Employee: “Are you saying that we don’t have the money?”

You: “I’m afraid not at this time. But we’ll hold on to your idea and perhaps we can im-

plement it down the road a bit. I really appreciate you giving some thought to this and I

hope you will continue. You’ve had some great ideas so far, and I’m all for implementing

any idea that we can to help things run better. Thanks again.” [Of course, you could also

explore other solutions if appropriate.]

By using questions, you honor the person by requesting his or her input. Another way of asking

for input might be, “If you were me, what would you do to resolve this?”

Another technique is the “Broken Record.” This simply means that after you have gotten the

employee’s agreement with your line of reasoning, you bring the conversation around by repeating

your original request.

Effective leaders and coaches don’t settle for a “band-aid” resolution. They endeavor to get to

the core of the issue by asking “Why?” repeatedly in various forms until true resolution is obtained.

8. ALWAYS SHUT UP AFTER ASKING A QUESTION

One of the greatest shows of honor and respect is to shut up while another person is talking.

Therefore, do not chronically interrupt people nor finish their sentences for them. This helps you

to maintain control of a potentially difficult situation and it lets the other person express him or

herself.

Even if the person appears to clam up, use the power of silence—always wait for the person to

speak before you speak. If the person doesn’t respond, wait at least 15 seconds and then repeat

the question. Also remember that analytical type people require mental “processing” time in order

to give you a thoughtful answer. They can appear to clam up, but in reality, they are just thinking

about an answer.

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Remember to reframe and repeat their words back to ensure a correct understanding if neces-

sary.

Handling interruptions from the employee: If the employee constantly interrupts you while you

are speaking, simply stop speaking and listen. Once he or she has finished, simply say, “Now as I

was saying…” and then continue where you left off ignoring what he or she just said. Some people

use interruptions as a way to confuse, distract, and dodge what you are saying, which is a control

tactic. I always let the employee interrupt me two times and each time I will redirect him or her

back to what I was saying. If they interrupt me a third time, I will interrupt them and ask them to

hear me out. For example, if the employee interrupts you a third time, you could say, “Excuse

me… excuse me…” this will usually stop them. Then say, “It’s my turn to speak. I’ve honored you

by patiently listening to you. Now can I ask for the same honor in return?” Then shut up. Once they

agree, continue, “Okay, as I was saying…”

9. TAKE THE PERSON AT FACE VALUE (HIS/HER WORD) UNTIL HE/SHE GIVES YOU A REASON NOT

TO

I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to, providing

the situation warrants it. An old adage comes to mind in this case: “Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.” For example, if an employee gives me a reason for something and

he or she has never lied to me before, I’ll believe them provided the facts do not indicate other-

wise. In other words, in a situation that boils down to someone’s word, I will give him or her the

benefit of the doubt as long as they do not have a history of lying.

 Using the Example of Lonnie from Technique 2 above: Lonnie has always been

on time to work, but is late two days in a row. As mentioned above, the first time,

I don’t say anything—stuff happens. The second time, I might say: “Hey Lonnie, I

couldn’t help but notice you’ve been late the last couple of days… is everything

okay?” Lonnie tells me that traffic was the problem. Since I have no reason to doubt

him, I take him at his word.

The third time, Lonnie is late again. When I inquire he tells me that “his alarm

clock didn’t go off.” Now, I realize that this could be true, but it sounds fishy. In

this case I might say, “Lonnie, that almost sounds like an excuse. Is it?” Notice that

I called him on it indirectly, but softened my words. From this point forward, Lon-

nie has stretched his credibility and will have to regain it over time by being truth-

ful. By calling him on it, I get the issues out on the table so they can be resolved.

Give people the benefit of the doubt until they give you a reason not to, provided the situation

doesn’t argue otherwise.

10. HAVE AN OBJECTIVE; KNOW THE TWO POSSIBLE DIRECTIONS DISCIPLINE CAN GO

The objective of any confrontation is to resolve it in a win-win manner. Therefore, you must

strive to logically and verbally move the employee forward toward resolution, which can go two

primary ways:

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1. THE EMPLOYEE IS WILLING TO RESOLVE THE SITUATION: If so, then resolve the situation.

That means you train, coach, and work with the employee to help him or her to get back on

track. A willing attitude is worth its weight in gold.

2. THE EMPLOYEE IS UNWILLING TO RESOLVE THE SITUATION: If so, then manage him/her

out of the company with “Just Cause.”

• “Managing them out” means to do the right thing, i.e., follow your policy for dismiss-

ing employees.

• Fall back on your policies and the employee’s Job Description so that you act with

“Just Cause.”

• It is entirely possible for an employee’s actions to belie his/her words. They may say

they are willing, but refuse to make reasonable and measurable progress.

This may sound like a harsh approach, but it really isn’t. Remember, you cannot control another

person and you shouldn’t try. We all must accept personal responsibility for our actions and a

difficult or underperforming employee is no exception. Employees have the human right of Free

Will to do whatever they choose. If what they choose is against the company’s policies and they

refuse to change, then they

must be managed out with

Just Cause to protect the in-

tegrity of the team’s stand-

ards as well as to be fair to

those employees who are

doing what is asked.

Use the Employee Ac-

countability Flow Chart to

visualize the accountability

process. Discipline is con-

ceptually quite simple; ei-

ther the employee is willing

to work it out or he or she

isn’t. If the employee is not

willing to resolve the issue,

manage him or her out. Just

make sure the problem is

not with you as the manager.

11. WHEN DEALING WITH UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR, REMEMBER THESE TWO RULES:

1. Call him or her on it assertively—do not let it go.

2. Put the “Burden of Proof” back on him or her by using the Art of Deductive Questioning (see

Technique number 7). This means that you always “put the ball back in their court” by asking

deductive questions.

• Help him or her see things from your perspective with deductive questions.

Yes

1. Expectations are found in your policy man-
ual and the employee’s job description.

2. The employee saying he/she is willing to re-
solve the matter but not making progress is
equivalent to “not willing.”

3. “Manage Out” means to do the right thing;
take him/her through your progressive steps of
discipline and then replace him/her with
someone who is willing.

Employee Accountability Flow Chart

The Manager is the
Problem

Yes
Is the Employee Meeting

Standards/Expectations? 1

No

Coach and/or Train

the Employee

No

Manage the Employee Out

With Just Cause 3

Is the Employee Willing to

Resolve the Matter? 2

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

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• Allow him or her to self-correct and save face if possible. Leaders strive to employ the

skillful use of questions that allows employees to save face and self-correct.

A manager must not let difficult and/or underperforming behavior continue unaddressed or it

will not stop. It is that simple. By allowing difficult employees to in effect “rule the roost,” a

manager’s authority is undermined and he or she loses respect and trust from everyone else.

12. GET A COMMITMENT TO RESOLVE (NEVER FAIL TO GAIN COMMITMENT)

A crucial part of resolving conflicts is to gain commitment, that is, hold the employee to ac-

countability. “Paint the difficult person into a corner” (logically speaking) with the use of Deduc-

tive Questions and gaining commitment. The discussion is not over until a commitment is gained,

one way or the other (yes or no). Following are some softened ways to gain commitment:

• Ask, “Can I count on you to…”

• Ask, “Is there any way we can resolve this today?”

• If he or she says, “I’ll try,” then you say, “I appreciate your willingness to try; how-

ever, what I really need is a firm commitment. Can I get that from you?” When someone

says, “I’ll try,” they are not committing, they are seeking an out.

• If his or her commitment is less than sincere, continue probing until all issues are

resolved by saying, “You don’t seem to be completely satisfied with this outcome. Am

I reading you correctly?”

• Continue probing to gain “Buy-In” if possible.

13. FOLLOW UP

After a reasonable and appropriate time has passed, check in with the employee as necessary

to confirm progress and/or to see if any other issues need to be discussed. The idea is to ensure

that the matter has been resolved. Sometimes, the difficult employee may indicate that he or

she will change only to continue harboring the same attitude that caused the unacceptable be-

havior in the first place. Remember, “A person convinced against his or her will is of the same

opinion still.” Not following up can lead to escalated problems from issues simmering just beneath

the surface.

14. KNOW YOUR COMPANY’S POLICIES, PROTOCOLS, AND SHARED VALUES

Know and use your company’s steps for progressive discipline (discussed above). To protect

the integrity of you, your organization, and the employee, always approach discipline with a “Just

Cause” mindset. Always back up your discipline with established policies in which the employee

has read and signed off. By so doing, you show fairness and also give the employee a reasonable

opportunity to comply.

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15. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING

In the previous segment, an easy method for making your documenting tasks simple was dis-

cussed: “We met…; We discussed…; We agreed.” Remember to document both good and poor

behavior/performance in non-emotional terms; state only facts. Do not use “value-judgments”

such as, “Lonnie is too lazy to come to work on time.” Remember, “If it’s not written down, it

didn’t happen.” Documenting employee behavior is a good way to remember events especially if

the difficult behavior follows a pattern that erupts infrequently over time.

16. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

Would you like to be able to think on your feet better? Then practice, practice, practice! Re-

hearse what you will say, and how you will say it before administering discipline or performing

coaching. Do this by role-playing what you will say in private. Actually say what you want to say

out loud, and try different variations regarding word choice and voice tone. If you simply think it

over mentally without practicing it out loud, it won’t come out right when you are in the moment.

If you feel you could have handled an incident better, rerun the incident in your mind several

times while you role-play and replace the incorrect actual version with an improved new version

based on the foregoing techniques.

Verbally role-play your side of the incident privately until it becomes a natural part of who you

are. Assertiveness is not a hat you wear; it is not a coat you put on. It comes from who you are.

Make assertiveness a part of you.

DISMISSING EMPLOYEES

Occasionally you will be faced with the prospect of letting an employee go. This is not usually an

easy task, but sometimes it needs to be done. There is any one of a number of reasons why you may

choose to dismiss someone as determined by your company’s policies.

Some of the typical reasons why employees might be dismissed include (but are not limited to):

1. Criminal activity;

2. Alcohol or drug abuse, on or off duty;

3. Threatening another employee or customer;

4. Sexual harassment, or harassment of any kind;

5. Lying;

6. Bringing firearms to work (if firearms are not required for the job);

7. Sharing or divulging confidential or proprietary company information or trade secrets;

8. Lack of dependability/reliability, e.g., not showing up for work;

9. Misrepresenting the company, e.g., poor public conduct with notoriety (such as in the me-

dia);

10. Failing to follow the company’s policies;

11. Failing to meet expectations as outlined in the Job Description;

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12. Not contributing to the team in a meaningful way or failing to carry their own weight (con-

sistently taking more than they give);

13. Not being a team player, i.e., complaining, criticizing things or others, making decisions

without authority, being negative, competitive, combative, high maintenance, etc.;

These items above have evolved over time and exist for a specific reason. You will need to deter-

mine your own specific reasons, even adding to the list if necessary. Several of the items on the list

above represent immediately actionable events for most companies, meaning, the employee will be

dismissed immediately without going through the process of progressive discipline.

When dismissing an employee, do so for a specific and objective reason(s) supported by company

policy. You cannot dismiss an employee for a “bad attitude” because it is too subjective. Fortunately,

“bad attitudes” usually manifest into policy violations for which you can discipline or dismiss.

If an employee violates company policies or his or her job description, you will need to talk with

him or her in an effort to resolve it using your steps of progressive discipline. If the employee contin-

ues to violate company policies, you will need to dismiss him or her from the team.

As stated several times, my personal motto for dealing with people is to give them the benefit of

the doubt until there is a reason not to. Therefore, I will work with people provided that they have

a willing and solution-oriented attitude. If they become excessively defensive and unwilling to resolve

the issue, I part company.

When to Dismiss an Employee

Many managers don’t dismiss employees when they should for a variety of reasons, one of the

biggest being that firing someone is not easy for most managers. Another reason is that the manager

isn’t always sure if the employee should be dismissed. However, knowing when it’s time to dismiss

an employee is conceptually rather simple. If the violation doesn’t warrant immediate dismissal, use

the Two Most Important Relationship Questions to determine if the relationship is over (see the

worksheet in the Segment 1 section on the course page). To reiterate, any time an employee subtracts

more from the relationship (or team) than he or she adds and is not willing to change, the relationship

is over; it’s time to dismiss him or her. The key phrase is, “not willing to change.”

To put it another way, if the employee is simply beginning to fail, coach him or her in an effort to

help. If the employee responds favorably to your efforts, all is saved. If the employee does not re-

spond favorably, then after an honest and fair effort by you to help, you let the employee go.

For immediately actionable violations, the decision to dismiss has already been made by virtue of

your policies. Do not violate your own policies by failing to dismiss a violating employee or you will

send the wrong message to your team, i.e., that “it’s okay to violate the company’s policies because

you probably won’t get dismissed anyway.”

Once you have decided to dismiss an employee, act promptly. Promptly means at the soonest

appropriate time. If you continue to hold on to someone who is either underperforming or otherwise

causing problems, your team’s morale will suffer; attitudes will begin to take a negative turn. In

essence, an ignored problem in one employee quickly replicates itself into many problems in many

employees. If you allow negativity to take root, you will very likely end up cleaning house and starting

over again, and if so, hopefully you will be much wiser and willing to act decisively when necessary.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

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How to Dismiss an Employee

The precise manner in which you actually dismiss an employee will vary according to the situation,

the violations involved, and your company policies. Sometimes, the situation can resolve itself by the

employee simply quitting. However, you will usually need to let the employee know he or she has

been terminated. Please note that you have already done everything you could to coach, train, or

help the employee, but without success. Therefore, the only option at this point is to dismiss.

Please consult with your HR department for your company’s specific firing protocols. If you do not

have an HR department, then following are a couple of variations to give you a starting point. Feel

free to modify or adjust them according to your style and the situation.

Progressive Discipline Dismissals. You’ve taken the employee through your steps of progressive

discipline but without success. The vocal delivery for this model should generally be warm and

kind. Here’s what you might say:

[Employee Name], we’ve been working on [issue] for awhile now and I just don’t see

any real improvement. I’m afraid that the time has come to part ways. I do want you

to know that I truly appreciate your contributions in the past and wish you my very

best for the future.

Dismissals for Immediately Actionable Events. These are events that require a prompt dismissal

according to your policies. These are not violations that can be handled with progressive discipline.

The vocal delivery for this model should generally be calm but direct. Here’s what you might say:

[Employee Name], I’m calling/contacting you regarding the [recent incident]. As you

know, company policy requires that employment be revoked in such situations, and

this is what I’m doing, effective immediately. I thank you for your service to the com-

pany and wish you my best for the future.

Again, the above examples are strictly templates to get you started. Use your own good judgment

as to what you will say specifically. For example, if the employee didn’t really contribute to the team

in a meaningful way, then you wouldn’t necessarily say that you appreciate his or her contributions

or service to the team.

Another consideration is that the employee might possess team property that needs to be returned.

Depending on the gravity of the situation, you may want to get the property back before you dismiss

the employee.

Is it better to dismiss the employee in person, on the phone, or by email? It depends on the situa-

tion but you will usually do so in person if at all possible. Use your own good judgment.

When dismissing the employee, keep the conversation brief and to the point. Do not argue, vent,

or allow the person to suck you into an argument or detailed discussion (which they will often do).

This is the secret of delivering an effective and non-negotiable notice of dismissal (or presenting any

other kind of non-negotiable decision). But what about explanations? As the old saying goes, “Expla-

nations rarely explain.” If you’ve done your job by coaching and training the employee without suc-

cess, that is explanation enough. Furthermore, the employee already knows the process because

they’ve read and signed off on the company’s policies and their job description; therefore, no further

explanation is generally necessary or advised. Similar to delivering an application rejection, less is

more. Consult your HR department for further information and to avoid any potential legal issues.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

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What do you say if the employee tries to engage you in a lengthy conversation or argument? Simple:

let him or her finish their sentence ignoring whatever they just said and say:

[Employee name], I’m afraid there is nothing further to discuss. You already knew

where this would go. The decision is made. I wish you my best. [Then shut up and just

look at him or her]

Notice the short, clipped sentences in the example above. This is what I call the “Brick Wall”

response. Whatever the person says bounces off of you like a stone thrown at a brick wall. You then

simply repeat the decision without emotion and conclude the conversation. If the person continues

to try to argue, you simply say, “I wish you my best.” Then shut up and just look at him or her until

they leave. If on the phone, say goodbye and hang up.

Once you have dismissed your employee, there are a few additional things to take care of imme-

diately:

 Retrieve any equipment or items belonging to the company still in the person’s possession;

 Take the person off your website (if applicable);

 Delete the former employee’s email address (if applicable);

 Remove access to private areas of the company’s website (if applicable);

 Any other areas that require attention.

You will also need to inform your other employees of the person’s dismissal. The best way to do

this is to just let them know that “so-and-so is no longer an employee. We wish him/her the best.”

It doesn’t serve anyone’s interest to put energy into gossiping or talking badly of the former employee

plus you will avoid potential legal issues such as accusations of slander by the former employee if

they should hear what was said.

THE PUBLIC SECTOR AND UNIONS

I will not mince words when I say that if you are a manager in the public sector (state, local, or

federal government) or are subject to a collective bargaining agreement from a union, your job of

dealing with difficult employees can be drastically more complicated. Sometimes, it can literally take

years to dismiss an employee who desperately needs to go. This scenario has happened many times

and can lead to frustration for the manager and serious morale problems for the team.

I sincerely wish I had the magic bullet to fix this type of situation, but, alas, I don’t, nor do I know

of anyone who does as the problem lies within the culture of the public sector and unions, which is

obviously beyond your control. I do believe that if you employ the assertive leadership techniques in

this course as well as show honor and respect to your employees, you will greatly minimize potential

problems. Many of the negative stories I’ve heard from my seminar attendees and students have

happened as a result of incompetent management and leadership—regardless of whether it was in

the private or public sector, or a union environment.

If you find yourself in such a situation, you have three choices (the 3 L’s): 1. Live with it; 2. Lobby

for change; or 3. Leave. The only advice I can offer—for whatever it is worth—is to do the best you

can with what you have to work with.

Segment 2: Managing Poor Performance and Difficult Behavior

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This segment contains a wealth (and perhaps overwhelming) amount of information designed to

enhance your communication skills, especially in dealing with difficult people. I recommend reading

it several times and working on applicable points one at a time until you have them mastered. You

should also use this segment along with the Segment 2 Addendum a reference when and if dealing

with difficult employees.

© 2010 International Church of Metaphysical Humanism, Inc. All rights reserved • www.TFUniversity.org • Distribution Prohibited. Page 1

Thomas Francis University • Course G381 • Segment 2 Addendum

—Douglas R. Kelley, PhD, CH, CSL

Upon Completion of this Segment, You Will Know About:

 Disputes between members.

 Coaching gossips.

 Coaching complainers.

 Coaching passive-aggressive remarks (snipers).

 Coaching bullies and aggressive members.

 Coaching excuse-makers.

 Coaching negative members.

 Coaching former coworkers who you now manage.

 Coaching older-than-you employees.

he following techniques cover several common forms of unacceptable behavior. Use them as

a guide for dealing with employee behavioral issues. You may rarely or never encounter all

of these traits; but they also illustrate principles that can be used with other difficult behav-

iors not addressed here.

Remember, these are just examples. Glean the principles from each example so you can get a feel

for the overall approach. These examples are based the 16 Powerful Assertive Confrontation and

Discipline Techniques for Leaders discussed in the Segment 2 study material.

DISPUTES BETWEEN EMPLOYEES

Occasionally, two or more employees may fight over some matter, and hopefully, they are mature

enough to work it out. If not, you may have to get involved, but be careful; disputes between em-

ployees ideally should be handled by them alone. They are adults and should handle their own issues.

However, if you do have to get involved, use discretion about taking sides. Also be careful that one

of the employees doesn’t try to play both sides against the middle by manipulating the situation so

that it appears the argument is between you and the other employees. Encourage both employees to

work things out to a happy end. It is, in fact, their responsibility to do so. If one employees is clearly

in the wrong and is not willing to resolve the matter, dismiss him or her if it is justified by policy.

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

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COACHING GOSSIPS

I suppose that gossiping is one of those negative aspects of human nature that may take centuries

to weed out of the species completely—if it can be done at all. To gain perspective, there is not a

human being alive who has not engaged in gossip at some point in their lives. However, some people

seem to have a real knack for it.

While gossiping may fulfill the unhealthy human desire for secrets and exclusivity, the downside

is that gossip hurts and demeans others, including the one doing the gossiping. It is a form of nega-

tivity that sucks the life and energy out of a team as well. If not dealt with and curtailed promptly,

gossip can grow into malicious backbiting that can result in a hostile team environment. Leaders must

deal with gossips in a manner that not only develops the person, but stops the negativity. Following

are some steps to take:

 Include a prohibition on gossip in your policies.

 If you have a particular employee who engages in gossip, coach that person during your

regular coaching and feedback sessions. This is a form of preventive maintenance.

 If you happen to hear gossip first hand, ask the gossip, “Can I quote you on that to the

person you are talking about?” The member will undoubtedly say, “No!” You then say,

“Then I wonder if you will help me. I know that if this was about you or me, neither one of

us would like it. Can I ask you to help by not spreading it?” The person may say, “Oh, I was

just telling you!” You are probably thinking, “Yeah right!” but say, “Good. Then I can count

on you to keep it private?” The person will probably agree.

 If gossip is rampant on your team, you need to get your team together and say the follow-

ing:

“Guys & Gals, we have a challenge that I’d like to get your help with. It seems

that gossip and rumors are floating around, and they are sucking the life out of us

as a team. Now, if the gossip is about you, I’m sure you are not real happy about

it. And if it’s not about you, then wait a week; it will be.

“Here is what I’m asking—and I will need everyone’s verbal commitment on this:

If it is not positive; if it is not up building; if it is not encouraging; and if you cannot

take it back to the person and tell them to their face, then don’t spread it.”

[Looking at each team member individually and ask each one,] “Can I get your

commitment?”

[Wait for a “yes.” Then go to the next team member and ask for their commit-

ment; then the next, and so on until everyone has given their verbal commitment.

Afterward, thank the group for their help in overturning the tide of gossip.]

COACHING COMPLAINERS

Occasionally, we all face chronic complainers and whiners. The kind of complainer I’m describing

is not the employee who comes to you with a legitimate complaint seeking a proactive solution. I’m

talking about employees who complain just to complain. Sometimes, these employees complain about

things even you don’t like, but are beyond your control.

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The best way to deal with a complainer is to ask him or her for potential solutions. Here is a two-

step technique I learned along the way to deal with complainers that serves two purposes: 1. Gets

them to stop complaining, and 2. Develops them. Notice that I use the “broken record” technique as

well as my own technique on calling them on it and then putting the ball back in their court with the

use of questions.

Again, the following steps and techniques are used only for a chronic complainer with a history of

complaining. It is also important to note that complainers rarely have solutions, and they often com-

plain about things which are difficult, if not impossible, to resolve easily.

STEP 1

After hearing the complaint, you simply say, “I can see this is important to you, so here is what I

would like… I’d like three potential solutions by the end of the day. Okay?”

Now, many of these complainers will then “complain” about your request. Following are some

typical responses and how you might handle them.

Complainer: “But it’s your job to come up with solutions!”

You: “You are absolutely correct. However, it is also my job to get input from you. That’s

why I’d like three potential solutions on my desk by the end of the day. All right?”

Complainer: “That’s okay, it’s not that important. Never mind.”

You: “It was obviously important enough for you to bring it to me, so I’d still like three

potential solutions by the end of the day. All right?”

Complainer: “I don’t have time… I have other things to do.”

You: “I know your time is valuable, but I also know this is important to you. That’s why I

still like three potential solutions by the end of the day. All right?”

Complainer: “No, I’m not going to do it.”

You: “No? [Pause for any response] Do you realize this is tantamount to insubordination,

and I’ve gotta’ ask, are you sure you want to walk down that path?” (You’re giving him or

her a way to self-correct and save face. If they agree, then go to Step 2. If they don’t

agree, then proceed).

Complainer: “No, I’m not doing it.”

You: “All right. I’ll be in touch.” (Then you write him or her up, or take whatever action is

next. This stance is based on my technique number 10 of always knowing where to go with

discipline. Either the employee is willing to resolve it or not. If he or she is willing, then

resolve it. If not, then manage him or her out with Just Cause).

STEP 2

Three possible scenarios exist for Step 2.

SCENARIO 1: The employee gets back to you in the designated time frame, but has no

solutions (I expect this). After hearing this, say:

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“I understand. Do you see how difficult it can be to come up with solutions to tough

problems especially when they are beyond our control? In the future, if you have a

complaint, I am here to listen. However along with that complaint, I need at least

one potential

solution. Can I count on that from now on?”

SCENARIO 2: The member has solutions, but the solutions are either wacky or just won’t

work. After hearing their first potential solution, say:

“All right, let me play the devil’s advocate for a moment.” Then you do just that,

asking him or her questions that lead them to the conclusion that it won’t work out.

Important: make sure that you have an open mind and are not just pooh-poohing their

idea. After hearing their potential solution(s), then say the following:

“Do you see how difficult it can be to come up with solutions to tough problems

especially when they are beyond our control? In the future, if you have a complaint,

I am here to listen. However along with that complaint, I need at least one potential

solution. Can I count on that from now on?”

SCENARIO 3: The member has a solution that will work. After hearing their solution, say:

“Good idea! I don’t see any reason why we can’t implement it right away. By the

way, in the future, if you have a complaint, I am here to listen. However along with

that complaint, I need at least one potential solution. Can I get that from now on?”

COACHING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE REMARKS (SNIPERS)

“I was proud of myself for losing some weight after my pregnancy recently,” Julie told my seminar

group, “and so I went out and bought a new dress as a reward to myself. The next day, I proudly wore

my new dress to work and when I arrived, Lynn, my subordinate said, ‘Hey, nice dress… it doesn’t

make you look fat at all.’ With one careless comment, the good feelings I had about myself evapo-

rated.”

Most of us have our own stories about others heartlessly making comments or jokes at our expense,

or giving us backhanded compliments. There is no question that some people are masters at belittling

others with words. People like this are passive-aggressive in nature, and are often referred to as

“snipers” because they take pot-shots at others from an “undisclosed location,” so to speak. They

are bullies who hide behind a pretense as they strike out. Snipers are also master manipulators in

that they try to manipulate others with ambiguous words.

As in Julie’s case, these remarks can hit us like a bomb dropped out of the blue. These disparaging

remarks are designed to hit us where it counts. Snipers have an almost psychic ability to push buttons,

and when they do, it can rip into our spirit and tender sensitivities. Snipers endeavor to make others

feel bad about themselves, which is one of the cruelest of human behaviors. A belittling remark is

not merely an insult; it is an act of treachery that slashes the spirit and saddens the soul. And the

damage is not just with the victim, for the remarks of a belittler are the reflections of a poisoned

soul.

Sometimes, these attacks are simply thoughtless remarks—we all put our foot in our mouth on

occasion. This section is not aimed at people who occasionally do this. Snipers are different. Their

attacks are deliberate and are spoken in such a way that takes us off guard and leaves us unsure of

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whether it was an attack at all. At times, these remarks are spoken in a joking manner; other times

the attackers are so good at it that we don’t even know if we’ve been offended.

So, how do you respond to a sniper? How do you coach a member who belittles others with words?

First, start with my two rules for dealing with any challenging behavior:

1. Call them on it assertively;

2. Put the ball back in their court. The thing that snipers fear most is exposure. So what do you

do? Expose them.

Consider Julie’s story from above. In addition to her employee’s attempt at belittling her, the

employee was also trying to “bait” Julie into reacting. Here is one way Julie could have handled the

situation:

Lynn: “Hey, nice dress… it doesn’t make you look fat at all.”

Julie: “Are you saying that I’m fat?” [Julie is calling her on it and putting the ball back

into Lynn’s court]

Lynn: “No, no, I’m saying you don’t look fat.”

Julie: “Are you saying that I look fat in other dresses?”

Lynn: “No, no… you’re so sensitive! You need to lighten up!”

Julie: “You know, you might be right. I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll lighten up if you’ll

stop making snide remarks. Fair enough?”

In this example, Julie called Lynn on her snide remark using a calm tone, and then put the ball

back in Lynn’s court. Lynn then had to get herself out of it, which she was unable to do. I call this

“painting them into a corner with logic.”

How do you deal with snipers when you are unsure whether it was intentional or not? Do the same

thing: Call them on it, and then put the ball back in their court. Some possible ways include asking:

• “Can I ask what you meant by that remark?”

• “What are you really trying to say?”

• In extreme cases, you might ask calmly, “I’m sorry… did you just offend me?” This response

takes the sniper off guard. Regardless of what the sniper says next, you then follow it up

with one of the other two responses above.

Once you have called the sniper on it and put the ball back in his or her court, you can

tactfully say, “Can I ask you to not say things like this in the future?”

What about when a sniper strikes during a team meeting? Whether you are conducting the meeting

or not, how you respond depends on several factors.

• How serious was the attack? If it was just a mild passing remark, then you should confront

the sniper privately after the meeting. Simply ask the sniper what he or she meant by the

remark, and then ask him or her to be a little more careful in the future.

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• Did others notice? If so and if it was a mild attack, you can simply acknowledge the sniper

and say, “Okay, we’ll discuss that later,” and then continue with your meeting. This lets

others know that you intend to address the matter.

• Was it an obvious attack? Have you already spoken to the sniper privately on a previous

occasion? Then you may need to pause the meeting and say to the sniper, “Can I ask what

you meant by that remark?” This exposes the sniper for what they are. You may feel that

this will embarrass the sniper, but so what? The sniper is the one who raised the issue, not

you. The sniper must be held responsible for his or her belittling words. If this is embar-

rassing to them, then so be it.

In the spring of 2005, one of my seminar attendees said that her department had a saying:

“Freedom of choice; freedom of speech; no freedom from the consequences.” People must be

accountable for their words. For example, when going through airport security, what would the

security personnel do if a passenger jokingly said, “Hey, be careful of that loaded nine millimeter

Glock in my suitcase… I sure wouldn’t want it to go off accidentally!” Wouldn’t the security people

take the words literally? You bet they would! And security would detain the person until they could

figure out whether he was a terrorist or just stupid! We must take responsibility for our actions

and words, and we must hold the sniper accountable as well.

Other examples of passive-aggressive behavior include:

 A person saying something under his or her breath. When another person asks what he

or she said, the person says, “Oh, nothing.”

 A person calls you on the phone, says something nasty, and then hangs up.

 You ask an employee to do something, he or she agrees, and then walks away mumbling

under his or her breath.

 A person sends you a nasty email, and then blocks your emails from going through to

him or her.

 A person posts a nasty comment in a forum, then leaves the forum so you can’t reply.

 Someone who smiles and appears to like and accept you to your face, but talks nega-

tively about you or stabs you in the back when you’re not around. Gossip is passive-

aggressive behavior.

Anytime another person attacks you verbally, but doesn’t give you an opportunity to respond is

passive-aggressive behavior.

The bottom-line in dealing with snipers is to call them on it and then put the ball back in their

court.

COACHING BULLIES AND AGGRESSIVE EMPLOYEES

If you’ve ever had to stand up to a bully, then what I say here will be nothing new to you. However,

sometimes we need reminders. Just a side note here: The information that follows addresses aggres-

sive behavior as found in your everyday bully. I am not addressing predators, psychopaths, or socio-

paths (these are a completely different discussion).

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We often think of the male gender as playing the bully role, but interestingly, according to re-

search in 2007 by WorkplaceBullying.org and Zogby International:1

• 60% of bullies in the workplace are men, 40% are women.

• 57% of the targets are women, 43% are men.

• Women bully other women in 71% of the cases.

• Men bully women in 47% of cases.

This same research showed that the most common types of aggressive behavior by bullies include

(respondents could choose more than one):2

• Verbal abuse: 53% (shouting, swearing, name calling, malicious sarcasm, threats to safety,

etc.).

• Behaviors/actions: 53% (public or private that were threatening, intimidating, humiliating,

hostile, offensive, inappropriately cruel conduct, etc.).

• Abuse of authority: 47% (underserved evaluations, denial of advancement, stealing credit,

tarnished reputation, arbitrary instructions, unsafe assignments, etc.).

• Interference with work performance: 45% (sabotage, undermining, ensuring failure,

etc.).

• Destruction of workplace relationships: 30% (among co-workers, bosses, or customers).

• Other: 5%.

Not surprisingly, the same research mentioned above showed that 72% of bullies are bosses. This

means that you as a manager must exercise caution so that you do not wittingly or unwittingly abuse

your authority by bullying your employees.

Regardless of gender, bullies are aggressive people who test boundaries constantly, decides who

is a likely target, and then walks on the person with impunity. A bully who walks all over a target will

conclude that it was the target’s fault because that person let the bully walk all over them. Bullies

shift the blame and shirk personal responsibility.

From my experience in life with bullies, there is only one real way to deal with them: Stand up for

yourself in an appropriate manner. This takes courage, but there is simply no other way. Unfortu-

nately, two-thirds of targets in the workplace do not effectively stand up for themselves. 40% of

targets quit their jobs, 24% are fired.3

When a target stands up to a bully, the bully almost invariably does two things in the following

order:

1. The bully lays it on a little thicker in order to subdue the target. In other words, the bully

will figuratively “puff up his/her chest” and become more aggressive in order to scare the

target back into submission. This is almost always a bluff. The target must not become

1 http://bullyinginstitute.org/zogby2007/zogbygender.html.
2 http://bullyinginstitute.org/zogby2007/zogbytactics.html.
3 http://bullyinginstitute.org/zogby2007/zogbystop.html.

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intimidated at this point, or all is lost. When the bully sees that the target is not backing

down, the bully will then:

2. Back down. Bullies are cowards, and their aggressive behavior usually stems from a deep

and conflicted feeling of inferiority. They have to be aggressive in order to convince them-

selves that they are worthwhile human beings.

Here are six tips for dealing with bullies:

1. Your behavior must tell the bully that you are no longer willing to be walked on. Therefore,

you must act from a position of strength and confidence.

2. Bullies have a sixth sense regarding potential targets and are able to zero in on a likely

candidate quickly. How do they know? The two biggest factors are body language and being

reserved in demeanor. If you are not expressive in your body language and if you are quiet-

natured or shy, you will likely be deemed an easy target by a bully. If this describes you,

then you need to work on yourself and become more balanced in your communication

abilities, confidence, and people skills.

3. Bullies only understand one language: Directness. Don’t beat around the bush, but do not

speak aggressively back to the bully. Be assertive; use clipped sentences that are “short

and sweet.” Don’t be tactless, but don’t be sweetie-sweetie either.

4. Always look the bully in the eye while speaking directly.

5. Watch your body language. Hold your hands at your sides or in an “at ease” position with

your hands clasp behind your back. Do not fold your arms in front of you as this sends the

message that you are defensive.

6. Stand your ground. Do not physically step back (if standing) when addressing a bully. This

will be interpreted as you backing down by the bully.

Here are a couple of methods of dealing with an aggressive employee who is yelling at you:

1. Listen patiently while looking him or her in the eye. When the employee is finished

yelling, ask, “Is there anything else?” Then let him or her “spew forth” again if

they wish. Ask the employee the same question again, “Is there anything else?”

Once the employee is through yelling, the next step is to remove the bully from

the area in an effort to let him or her cool down.

While looking the person directly in the eye, say something like the following in a

direct manner, “I’ll meet you in the conference room (or another private and neu-

tral location) in 15 minutes to discuss this. I’ll see you then.” Then you walk away.

If the person tries to engage you while you walk away, you stop, turn toward him

or her deliberately, and say directly and firmly, “Discussing this now is not an op-

tion. We’ll discuss this in 15 minutes in the conference room. Be there.” Then you

turn and leave.

If he or she tries to engage you again, you could say, “15 minutes. Conference

room. Go there now and wait for me.” This should usually get them moving. If they

do not, then the situation has grown worse. You may have to exercise other options

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especially if the member continues aggressive behavior. Other options include call-

ing other nearby members into the area or calling the police. Use your own good

judgment.

2. Another method is to wait for the bully to finish his or her rant and then say, “You

could be right. Can we discuss it?” Then tell the member you will meet him or her

in the conference room (or any private and neutral place) in 15 minutes (or any

time frame you choose). Obviously, the reason to wait is to give the bully a chance

to cool down and to give you time to collect your thoughts.

Aggressive people (bullies) create a hostile team environment. If you have an aggressive person on

your team, it is likely that this person is bullying other team members (if not you too). You must act

to coach or get rid of such a person. Obviously, this type of situation may not happen very often or

even at all. Nevertheless, you need to know how to stand up for yourself appropriately.

But what if your boss is the bully? This only makes the situation more intense. Unfortunately, there

are bosses who have not learned leadership skills and will yell at members—sometimes around others—

which is embarrassing and demeaning. How can you handle a situation like this? Here is one method

that you can adapt:

• After your bully manager finishes yelling, acknowledge what he or she said. If you

made a mistake, take responsibility for it. Then say, “By the way, when you yell at

me, I feel _________ (frustrated, embarrassed, hurt, etc.). Can I ask you to not yell

at me again in the future?” (This is based on the “I” statement model in the study

material).

If the manager tries to save face by saying something like, “That’s just who I am…

take it or leave it,” Just ignore what he or she said and repeat your question, “I

understand, but can I ask you to not yell at me again?”

Whatever he or she says next will probably be another attempt at saving face. Let

it go. The interesting thing is that the bully will probably not yell at you again. Enter

the paradox: Bullies do not respect wimps; a bully will not respect you until you

stand up for yourself!

If the situation goes from bad to worse, you may have to quit or take other legal

action. Always notify HR of any serious situation.

BLUNT NOTE TO AGGRESSIVE MANAGERS

If you are an aggressive manager, then you are likely creating a hostile team environment, which

exposes you to potential civil litigation. If this describes you, then you need to Stop it! Now! Nobody

likes to work for a tyrant or an ass. If you think that your way is the only way, then you are only

fooling yourself. If you think that you must “push” your people to get the work done, then you are

missing the whole point of LEADership. Leaders lead, they don’t push. That’s why they are called

leaders and not pushers.

I’ve known managers who believed that they had to push their members to get things done. (Inci-

dentally, this attitude is common among ex-military or paramilitary people.) Some have told me that

their employees like it this way. I promise you that these employees have a completely different

story to tell. Bullies are masters at fooling themselves. It’s called “denial.” If any of this applies to

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you, then I encourage you to work on yourself and grow as a Leader, not a Pusher. The world is full

of dictators. Don’t add to their ranks.

COACHING EXCUSE-MAKERS

We’ve all heard them before, “I don’t have time! It’s not my job! I didn’t have what I needed to

get the job done! I had too many interruptions to get it done! Sally didn’t do her part so I couldn’t

do mine” and on and on.

Needless to say, excuse-makers can be very frustrating to a manager. Excuses are time stealers on

several levels. First, the assigned task doesn’t get done, and now you, the manager, have to deal

with the excuse-maker as to why he or she didn’t get it done, which takes time. Some hard-core

argumentative members will also engage you in a discussion designed to dodge and distract you from

the main issue, which steals yet more of your time and patience. Then, you still have to get the task

completed. In the end, more resources are wasted when excuse-makers reign free than if they would

just get the job done as assigned.

Excuse-making is the epitome of shirking personal responsibility. Some excuse-makers simply lack

organizing and prioritizing skills. Some are simply poor planners, or are careless with their time. Still

others use excuses as a means of getting out of doing something they should do. But in every case,

personal responsibility has been avoided.

In dealing with excuses, here is my rule: When you hear what sounds like an excuse, mentally ask

yourself, “Is it true?” If it is valid and true, then it is not an excuse; it’s a reason why. In this case,

problem-solve and coach the member to prevent it from happening in the future.

If it is not true, then it’s a bona-fide excuse. In this case, use the Art of Deductive Questioning to

get to the core issue. As stated above, Deductive Questions are simply short, open-ended, and logical

questions designed to “put the ball back in the excuse-maker’s court” and paint him or her into a

corner, logically speaking. In other words, if you ask the right logical questions, the excuse-maker is

forced into being unable to justify the excuse logically, which then gives you an opportunity to coach

them into improvement.

Sometimes, it’s hard to know whether the employee is just putting you off or not. One way to tell

is if the employee has established a pattern of not doing what he or she should, and then offering

excuses when you inquire as to why.

In the end, you have to decide whether this type of employee actually adds more to the relation-

ship than he or she takes. If you have to constantly baby-sit, it may not be worth keep him or her on

the team. Benjamin Franklin said, “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything

else.” He was right.

Segment 2 Supplemental Audio: Dealing with Difficult Behavior

NOTE: Before proceeding to the next section, please listen to the audio above on

the Course Page for a supplemental discussion of this section. This audio is part of

the course.

Segment 2 Addendum: Techniques for Dealing with Specific Unacceptable Behaviors

© 2010 International Church of Metaphysical Humanism, Inc. All rights reserved • www.TFUniversity.org • Distribution Prohibited. Page 11

COACHING NEGATIVE EMPLOYEES

The primary way to coach negative employees is to apply the two rules for any unacceptable

behavior: 1. Call them on it; 2. Put the ball back in their court with the use of deductive questions.

For example, you present a new idea to your team, and “Fred,” who has been with the team the

longest, responds negatively. Here’s how you might handle it:

Fred: “That will never work!”

You: “Why won’t it work?”

Fred: “We tried it before and it didn’t work.”

You: “Why didn’t it work?”

Fred: “I don’t know, it just didn’t work.”

You: “Really, why didn’t it work?”

Fred: “It didn’t work because our employees didn’t like it.”

You: “Why didn’t our employees like it?”

Fred: “No one told them about it.”

You: “So if we informed our employees about how they will benefit, do you think it

might work?”

Fred: “I guess so.”

Nay sayers very often don’t have substance to back up their negative words and by you continually

putting it back on them, you force them to “put up or shut up,” as the expression goes. This approach

also gives you an out, should the nay sayer actually have a point. By consistently questioning him or

her, you get to the bottom of the issue. Either the negative person is correct or they are not. If they

are correct, then you’ve learned something. If they are not correct, then they’ve learned something

(or should).

Using the foregoing example, you now would coach Fred on being more positive in the future.

Notice the conversational style, as well as softened words and phrases (italicized) that tend to not

raise Fred’s defenses:

You: “Fred, sometimes, it almost seems like you respond negatively to an idea before

you’ve had a chance to think it through. Have you noticed that?”

Fred: “Only those ideas that won’t work!”

You: “But you’ve now agreed that this idea will work, and yet you responded nega-

tively to it in the beginning. How come?”

Fred: “I don’t know.”

You: “Fred, is there any way I can ask you to take a deeper look at new ideas and

issues before you respond? And before responding negatively, can I ask you to first look

for the positives?”

Fred: “I’ll try.”

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You: “I appreciate your willingness to try, however, what I’m really looking for here

is a firm commitment. Can I get that?”

Fred: “Yes.”

You: Thank you. I appreciate it.

By calling employees on negative behavior and holding them accountable with the use of questions,

you force them to acknowledge their negativity. Also, your efforts to coach are not over until you get

a firm commitment. With your consistent efforts over time, the negative employee should begin to

see things more positively. However, don’t expect negative behavior to change overnight.

As previously discussed, make sure your own actions are not causing negativity to take root in your

team. Communicate regularly with your members. Listen to them. Be predictable and consistent in

your own demeanor and behavior. Don’t be moody. Make sure that you as a manager are not part of

the problem either wittingly or unwittingly. Your own positive attitude will set an example for your

members to follow. Be aware of the things you say, and how you say them. Make sure that you are a

positive person to begin with.

Segment 2 Supplemental Audio: The Tiny Seeds of Negativity

NOTE: Before proceeding to the next section, please listen to the audio above on

the Course Page for a supplemental discussion of this section. This audio is part of

the course.

COACHING FORMER COWORKERS WHO YOU NOW MANAGE

Occasionally, newly promoted managers must deal with jealousy issues that arise from coworkers

who feel that they should have been promoted instead. Often the result is a show of disrespect by

the employee. In the same fashion as the behaviors above, you will need to confront the employee

in an appropriate manner and work to resolve the issue.

Following is an example of how you might approach this delicate situation:

YOU: Tammy, since I was promoted, it almost seems like something has changed between us.

Have you noticed that?

TAMMY: I don’t know what you’re talking about [spoken sarcastically].

YOU: That’s what I mean [referring to her response]. If I didn’t know any better, I’d almost say

you resent me becoming the manager. Is that true?

TAMMY: I should have been promoted instead of you. I’ve been here longer and deserve it more.

YOU: Why do you think I was promoted and you weren’t?

TAMMY: They obviously like you better.

YOU: It’s not a matter of them liking me better; it’s a matter of qualifications and experience.

Even though you’ve been here longer than me, I’ve had management experience with my pre-

vious company. I believe that is why I was chosen this time. Are you interested in this position

if it ever becomes available?

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TAMMY: Yes I am.

YOU: Are you willing to put forth the effort for management training?

TAMMY: Yes.

YOU: Then I will work with you toward this goal. You understand that I’m not in a position to

promise anything, but I am willing to help you if you can get past your resentment. Can you?

TAMMY: Yes.

YOU: Great! Viewing situations such as this one properly is the first step. Can I count on you

showing due respect to me as well?

TAMMY: Yes and I apologize for my behavior.

YOU: I appreciate that.

The foregoing was only one of many possible outcomes, and I chose a positive version. Notice the

number of questions the manager asked and his or her calm, conversational style in this example. As

with any difficult and sensitive behavioral issue, the idea is to open a dialogue by calling the employee

on the matter, listening to what he or she says, and then striving to reason with him or her in an

effort to resolve the situation. Be sure to compliment the employee sincerely where you can.

COACHING OLDER-THAN-YOU EMPLOYEES

Newly promoted or hired managers may also have to deal with issues arising from older-than-them

employees who don’t like to be managed by a younger person. Like the example above, this can result

in a lack of respect shown toward the manager.

Handle the matter by asking the employee how he or she feels about you as a manager. This will

open up a dialogue. Using relevant techniques from the examples above, strive to understand why

the employee feels this way about you. In reality, it probably has nothing to do with you personally.

It probably has to do with the employee feeling inadequate or jealous over the fact that they haven’t

progressed to management and you have. If this is the case, uncover it with questions and see if the

employee has management aspirations. If so, work with him or her to take advantage of any upcoming

management opportunities.

If the foregoing is not the reason for the employee’s lack of respect, find out what is and endeavor

to resolve it in an appropriate manner using questions and a conversational style. Compliment the

employee where you can and emphasize the importance of the role he or she plays on the team.