Special challenges military members face

APUS’ student body is composed of roughly 85% active or reserve component military personnel. A number of military spouses are also enrolled as students. Based upon your readings this week, what are some special challenges that military members face as they navigate relationships and marriages? What effect do lengthy deployments have on romantic relationships? What about infidelity? If you are a civilian student without first-hand knowledge of this topic, use this week’s readings and your own research to guide you.

CHAPTER 6

Sex, Love, and Marriage

The traditional order of the three topics discussed in this chapter is “love,
marriage, sex,” but a more contemporary sequence is reflected in the title.
Other arrangements of the three topics are also possible, and, in many cases,
one or two of them may be omitted altogether. Thus, sex frequently occurs
without being preceded or succeeded by love or marriage.

It can be argued, at least from a biological perspective, that the purpose of
life is reproduction. From this viewpoint, people who have already repro-
duced have fulfilled the purpose of their lives and hence have no other
biological reason for continuing to live. Historically, most people who were
going to have children had done so by age 30, and after then, nature had no
further use for them.

It is doubtful that many people would be satisfied with a life that in-
volved only physical maturation, procreation, and deterioration. For most of
us, life has to be more than growing up, “getting it on,” and growing old. Life
is about relationships—with the environment, the past, the future, and espe-
cially with other people. We are gregarious, mutually dependent creatures
who feel secure when we are close to our own kind. We desire to be touched,
caressed, and cuddled, as well as wanted, valued, and respected. Our need to
be in contact with other people-physically, mentally, emotionally, and
spiritually-is manifested in all sorts of ways, but particularly in sex and
loving. We never outgrow these desires and needs, even in old age. Further-
more, sex is a lifelong habit pattern: Men and women who are more sexually
active in their youth and experience more coital orgasms tend to retain their
sexual interest and activity well into old age (Pfeiffer, Verwoerdt, & Davis

1974; Shock et al., 1984; Walters, 1987).

SEX IN ADULTHOOD

Freud was right: Preschool children have sexual desires. So do 80- and
90-year-old adults. For most people, sex is a lifelong interest and activity. It
does not stop with aging, and it does not kill you. Unfortunately, it does not
make you live longer, either, but it may make you wish that you could.

139

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140

Chapter 6

MY LIFE 6-1

Sex Then and Now

I don’t know exactly how old I was
when I first became aware of sex differ-
ences. I must have been fairly young,
because I had a mother, a sister, and
two grandmothers, and there were sev-
eral aunts and female cousins around.
My first memories of girls were that,
unlike boys, they had long hair, wore
dresses instead of trousers (pants],
played with dolls a lot, were poorer at
sports but better at talking than boys,
tended to cry when they were hurt or
fussed at, and were generally cleaner
than boys. (Much of that changed after
“women’s liberation,” but I can still
tell the difference about 90% of the
time.)

Unlike the sentiments expressed
by many other boys my age, I really
didn’t dislike girls when I was grow-
ing up. They were just different. A girl
kissed me once in a game of post of-
fice, and we subsequently exchanged
autographs, but that was pretty much
as far as it went. I also helped girls
with their homework on occasion, and
one of them shared her lunch with me.
I suppose it was in junior high that I
first became aware of girls in a roman-
tic or sexual sense, but girls my age

were so tall that I thought of them as
Amazons rather than sex objects.

Having spent quite a bit of time
on a farm, as a boy I knew something
about the “birds and the bees,” or
rather the dogs, cats, cows, horses, and
pigs. Although much of their informa-
tion concerning reproduction was
grossly inaccurate, my friends talked
quite a bit about “doing it,” “making
out,” and assorted sexual aberrations.
A few boys also told dirty stories or
jokes and used bathroom vocabulary.
Because my slightly puritanical par-
ents and grandparents had warned me
about the dangers of precocious sexual
thoughts and behavior, I mostly lim-
ited myself to merely ogling rather
than indulging. The girls my age were
even more sexually naive than I. The
daughter of our elementary school
principal brought a package of con-
doms to class for “Show and Tell,” ex-
plaining that she had found “these
cute little white balloons” in her fa-
ther’s desk drawer, and proceeded to
inflate them.

Our junior and senior high schools
offered no sex education classes or
even marital/premarital advice, and

Sex is more than intercourse. Closeness, touching, hugging, kissing, and
petting are an important part of it. Sexual attraction brings people together so
they can give and receive affection. “It’s not so much how powerful the
orgasm is or how many orgasms you have. It’s just touching and being to-
gether and loving” (Kotre & Hall, 1990, p. 331).

Sex is not just a way of achieving closeness and expressing love and
affection. It may also be used to dominate or to exert power over another
person, to increase one’s self-esteem, to enhance one’s feelings of masculinity
or femininity, to combat boredom, or to make up after an argument (Neubeck, C

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Sex, Love, and Marriage 141

occasionally a female student became
pregnant. If there was any uncertainty
concerning the identity of the father, a
list of suspects was drawn u p and a
shotgun wedding of sorts was held i n
due course. One case provided an oc-
casion for barely suppressed hilarity
when the culprit was suspected for a
time ofbeing one of the history teachers.
Because continued attendance at school
would presumably have been embar-
rassing to both the victim and the in-
stitution (as well as playing havoc
with the morals of the other students),
i n such cases the unhappy, expectant
mother was banished from school a n d
none of us ever saw her again. Some of
the more wayward and adventurous
boys expressed a desire to visit her, but
I doubt if it ever happened. I don’t re-
member what social sanctions were
applied to the father other than having
to marry the expectant mother, but h e
was certainly not ostracized i n the
same fashion as she. The double stan-
dard was i n full force i n those days.

Things have certainly changed
since these events took place. Not long
ago I revisited several members of my
high school class. Although time had
shrunk the class (but not my class-
mates), enough of us remained to en-
gage i n some serious reminiscing. Af-
ter s p e n d i n g a few m i n u t e s getting

reacquainted, we began talking about
the “good old days.” Almost everyone
agreed that adolescents today have
more freedom than we did at their age
and that sex has really “come out of
the closet.” We attributed this change
i n large measure to Kinsey, Hefner,
X-rated movies, and the decade of the
sixties. We also agreed that greater
freedom has not necessarily been ac-
companied by greater happiness. Cer-
tainly the gender gap is narrower than
it was a half-century ago, a n d for the
most part we felt that to be a n im-
provement. However, we also viewed
women’s liberation and the increased
opportunities for both sexes as having
come at something of a price. We felt,
for example, that for many young peo-
ple the mystery and romance of sex
and sex differences is no longer a part
of their lives. It may be that failing
memory and a rose-colored reconstruc-
tion of the past gave us oldsters a dis-
torted view of how things once were,
and that the “good old days” were not
nearly as good as they seem i n retro-
spect. As the song goes, perhaps some-
thing has been lost but something has
also been gained. In any event, despite
the depletion of our hormones, most
of my surviving classmates were still
interested i n talking (and dreaming)
about sex.

1972). Sex can serve as a means of expressing both the good and the bad, the
affectionate and the angry side of human nature. But whatever its underlying
motivation may be, sex is a necessary and an extremely interesting part of life.

Hormones and Sex

In both males and females, sexual behavior is influenced by biology and
experience. The biological part includes the secretions of hormones by the Co

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Chapter 6

ovaries, the testes, and certain other glands. The production of hormones in
the testes is controlled by two hormones—follicle-stimulating hormone
(FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH)—secreted by the pituitary gland. In
males, the maturation of sperm depends on FSH, and the production of
testosterone by the testes depends on LH. In females, the growth of the
ovarian follicles, in which ova mature, depends on FSH, whereas ovulation
and the production of estrogen and progesterone depend on LH. The pituitary
gland continues secreting FSH and LH even after menopause, when the
production of estrogen declines. The ovaries and the adrenal glands of fe-
males also produce androgens, some of which are converted to estrogen.

The pituitary gland and the testes form a closed feedback loop in which a
decline in testosterone by the testes causes the pituitary to increase its secre-
tion of LH, and an increase in testosterone level causes the pituitary to
decrease its secretion of LH. The testosterone level usually declines some-
what in old age, and older men do not show the morning peak in testosterone
level that is characteristic of young men. Furthermore, increased sexual
activity appears to increase the testosterone level in the blood, whereas
decreased sexual activity produces the opposite effect. Among older men, in
particular, low testosterone levels usually accompany reduced sexual activ-
ity (Harman & Talbert, 1985). There is truth in the saying that if you don’t use
it, you’ll lose it.

Regarding changes in the number and motility (activity level) of sperm
with aging, the number of sperm is not affected as much as their motility.
Unlike the continued production of sperm by males, females are born with all
the ova (albeit in immature form) they will ever have. In addition, with each
passing decade of later life, an increasing number of men stop producing
sperm altogether. As described later in this chapter, other structural and
functional changes in the sex organs also occur in older men.

Though surgery and hormonal treatments can affect sexual behavior, the
effects are not always predictable. Castration of prepubertal boys inhibits the
appearance of sexual behavior, but postpubertal castration does not always
result in a decline in sexual activity. Following a hysterectomy or mastec-
tomy, women, like men who have undergone prostate surgery, may lose
interest in sexual intercourse. This result is, however, by no means invari-
able. The effects of removing the ovaries (ovariectomy) on the sex drive of
women are highly variable, often increasing it. It should also be emphasized
that the sexual behavior of humans depends not only on biology but also on
sensory stimulation, learning, and psychological factors.

142

The Sexual Response Cycle

There are four phases in the sexual response cycle: I. excitation, II.
plateau, III. orgasm, and IV. resolution (Masters, Johnson, & Kolodny, 1994). In
men, phase I (excitation) is characterized by erection of the penis. Phase ICo

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Sex, Love, and Marriage 143

takes place more slowly in women and is characterized by the production of
lubricating fluid in the vagina, an increase in the diameter of the clitoris, and
increased congestion of the labia with blood. For both sexes, phase II
(plateau) is marked by a rise in the blood congestion of the pelvis and a strong
feeling of sexual tension. A “sex flush” colors the forehead, neck, and chest,
sometimes extending to the abdominal area. Phase III (orgasm) occurs in two
stages in men: a preejaculatory contraction of the muscles involved in ejac-
ulation, and actual ejaculation. The same muscles are involved in the or-
gasms of women as those of men. During phase IV (resolution), which is
usually completed more quickly in men than in women, the congestion of the
blood vessels that occurred during the previous phases of the sexual response
cycle decreases. After a time, the cycle can be repeated. The duration of this
recovery, or refractory period, is generally longer for men than for women;
some women are capable of having several orgasms in fairly rapid succession.

With aging, both sexes experience a decline in all four phases of the
sexual response cycle. Be that as it may, most older adults continue to appre-
ciate and enjoy sexual intercourse. The degree of enjoyment is not dictated by
biological factors alone, but depends to a large extent on the closeness and
compatibility of the relationship between the sexual partners and how often
they have sexual intercourse.

Age Changes in Sexual Behavior

Today, sex appears to be more popular than ever. Both the frequency of
sexual intercourse and the variety of techniques used are appreciably greater
than they were prior to the 1960s (Rosen & Hall, 1984). In one study, it was
found that three-fourths of all 19-year-olds reported having sexual inter-
course. Apparently, a sizable number of this group was quite busy in college.
An estimated 28% of males and 29% of females in their freshman year of
college reported having had premarital intercourse, but these figures had
risen to 82% and 86%, respectively, by their senior year (Centers for Disease
Control, 1992). Statistics such as these provide support for the description of
late adolescence and early adulthood as a time of “raging hormones,” a
characterization that seems truer for males than for females. In males, the
sexual urge reaches a peak during the late teens or early twenties, but not
until a decade or so later has it reached its peak in females. This observation
provides support for the suggestion that young men should seek mates 10
years older rather than 5 years younger than they.

Masters, Johnson, and Kolodny (1991) describe the sexual behavior of
young adults in terms of a number of patterns-experimenters, seekers, and
traditionalists. Experimenters employ proficiency and variety in their sexual
behavior, seekers view sex as a way of finding an ideal marriage partner, while
traditionalists limit sexual intercourse to more serious relationships. With
regard to their interest in marriage, cohabitation—at least, for a time—has Co

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144 Chapter 6

become quite popular among today’s youth. During the 1980s and 1990s,
however, the fear of contracting AIDS began to put a damper on casual sex.1

It is estimated that the average young-adult American couple has sexual
intercourse two to three times per week (Masters et al., 1991). As indicated by
Figure 6-1, the frequency of sexual intercourse declines every decade after
people reach their thirties. The modest decline in the frequency of inter-
course during the fifth decade is attributable in some degree to career inter-
ests, family concerns, other obligations, and a decline in the energy level of
the partners. The Coolidge effect, manifested in extramarital sex, also sug-
gests that boredom with the same partner may play a role in the decline.2 The
need for variety appears to be more characteristic of men than of women who
engage in extramarital affairs.3 Married women who become involved with
other men usually do so for emotional reasons rather than for sex or variety.
These extramarital affairs may be intense and enduring, but most seem to be
“one-night stands” (Masters et al., 1991). Chronological age is, of course, not
the only demographic factor that is related to sexual activity: Ethnicity,
culture, socioeconomic status, religion, educational level, and marital status
are others. Attitude toward sex and the warmth of the relationship between
partners also affect sexual behavior (Crooks & Bauer, 1980; Geer, O’Donohue,
& Schorman, 1986).

Despite the decline in the frequency of sexual intercourse in middle- and
late adulthood, sexual interest does not usually drop dramatically until peo-
ple reach their seventies. Even so, many “sexy senior citizens” in their
seventies and eighties continue to enjoy sexual intercourse (Pfeiffer et al.,
1974; Schover, 1986). The decline in sexual activity, but not in sexual capac-
ity, is more marked for women than for men. In addition to biological changes
with age, fatigue, boredom, poor physical health, and fear of failure may
contribute to the decline in sexual interest and activity seen in older adult
men. Older women also experience these problems, which, along with other
distractions, may leave them little time to be interested in sex. For the typical
married woman or widow, however, it is her husband’s behavior and physical
condition that are the principal cause of the decline in her sexual functioning.
Because of her unwillingness or inability to find another sexual partner, the

1In the United States, during 1995, an estimated 643 people aged 15-24, 30,465 people aged
25-44,and 10,202 people aged 45-64died of AIDS (Rosenberg et al., 1996).

2The Coolidge effect refers to the observation that males who find themselves unable to copulate
with one partner can often perform vigorously with a new partner. This “effect” was named after
President Calvin Coolidge. The story goes that, while touring a poultry farm, Mrs. Coolidge
asked the farmer how so many eggs could be produced when he had such a small number of
roosters. The farmer explained that each of the roosters did his duty several times a day.
“Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge,” exclaimed Mrs. Coolidge in a loud voice. On
overhearing the remark, President Coolidge inquired as to whether each rooster serviced the
same hen each time. The farmer answered, “No, there are many hens for each rooster.” “Perhaps
you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge,” responded the President.

3Therecord for most marriages was held by Glynn “Scotty” Wolfe until his death in 1997. During
his 89 years, Mr. Wolfe tied the knot 29 times! (Moehringer, 1997) C

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Sex, Love, and Marriage 145

18-29 30-39 40-49 50-59 60-69 70+

Age Interval (Years)

Figure 6-1 Weekly sexual intercourse frequency by American adults. (Based on
data from Smith, 1990.)

older woman is relegated by her husband’s decision to a state of sexual
abstinence. Although being a widower or otherwise unmarried does not
necessarily reduce the sexual activity of older men, most sexual activity for
older women takes place within a marital relationship. Ninety percent of the
older women who were interviewed in a study conducted at Duke University
(Pfeiffer et al., 1974) reported that they stopped having sexual intercourse at a
median age of 60, compared with 68 for males, when their husbands died or
became ill or impotent. Even when both partners were healthy, the husband
was almost always the one who made the decision to terminate sexual inter-
course.

Menopause

The climacteric or menopause, the cessation of menstruation, occurs by
age 50 in most women and marks the end of the childbearing years. Some
women manage to give birth during their fifties and even sixties, but for most,
the period of fertility ends sometime during the fifth decade.

Associated with menopause is a sharp drop in the production of estrogen C
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146 Chapter 6

and consequent changes in the structure and functioning of certain body
tissues and organs. Among the structural changes are a decrease in the size of
the cervix and uterus; cells in the vaginal walls also atrophy, causing the
walls to become thinner. The reduction in estrogen contributes to the diffi-
culty of uptaking calcium to strengthen the bones and a consequent thinning
of the bones ( osteoporosis ).

The degree of vasocongestion of the breasts, clitoris, and vagina is also
affected, and vaginal lubrication is reduced with menopause. The decreased
acidity of vaginal secretions also increases the likelihood of infection. These
changes in the vagina may result in pain and discomfort during sexual inter-
course and an aching, burning sensation afterward. A minority of meno-
pausal women experience these symptoms to any great degree, and they can,
of course, be treated (Corby & Solnick, 1980). For example, vaginal irritation
can be treated with a water-based lubricant such as K-Y, and by enhancing
lubrication by means of estrogen creams and estrogen replacement therapy
(ERT). However, because of the increased risk of uterine and breast cancer
associated with ERT, this treatment is usually reserved for severe cases and
consists of a minimum dosage for the shortest possible time to be effective.
The risk of cancer is also reduced by combining ERT with the administration
of progestin.

Another unpleasant experience associated with menopause are sensa-
tions of extreme heat, particularly in the upper part of the body. These so-
called “hot flashes,” which are often accompanied by a drenching sweat,
diminish gradually and usually disappear altogether within a year or two
following their onset.

Along with a drop in testosterone in approximately half of all meno-
pausal women, the aforementioned changes presumably contribute to a de-
cline in the sex drive reported by 30% or so women after menopause (Sheehy,
1993). Perhaps an even more important factor in the reduced sexual activity of
widows, however, are social mores that view sex as something that older
women should not be interested in. Despite the decline in sexual activity for
most older women, the increased independence and assertiveness experi-
enced by many postmenopausal women are often accompanied by a renewed
interest in sex.

The term “male menopause” is sometimes applied to the structural and
functional changes that occur with age-related reductions in the production
of testosterone during later life, but there is no scientific justification for this
term (Kolodny, Masters, & Johnson, 1979). Changes in the structure and
functioning of the sex organs are also typical of older males, but the notion
that all men eventually experience a “male menopause” akin to that in
women is inaccurate. Among the changes that occur in older men are a slight
shrinkage of the testes, the production of fewer sperm, and an increase in the
size of the prostate gland. Older men require longer to achieve an erection,
have a softer erection, and lose it more quickly after ejaculation. They experi-
ence fewer genital spasms, the force and volume of the ejaculate are less, C

Sex, Love, and Marriage 147

and the refractory period is longer (Burt & Meeks, 1985; Masters et al., 1991;
Spence, 1989). Secondary sex changes, such as a loss of hair, increased
flabbiness, and an elevated voice pitch, also occur in later life.

Sexual Dysfunctions

Sexual dysfunction can occur at any age but is more common after age 50.
In males, sexual dysfunction includes the inability to have or maintain an
erection (erectile dysfunction), premature ejaculation, and an inability to
ejaculate into the vagina (retarded ejaculation). In females, sexual dysfunc-
tion includes an inability to experience orgasm ( orgasmic dysfunction ) and
painful intercourse caused by spasms of the muscles surrounding the vaginal
opening ( vaginismus). Inflammation of the vagina ( vaginitis) and fungal in-
fection of the vagina ( vaginomycosis) can also contribute to the loss of sexual
desire in women.

Erectile dysfunction, or impotence, is fairly common in older males. It
may be a temporary condition brought about by overeating, excessive alcohol
consumption, fatigue, boredom with the sexual partner, marital conflict, and
other sources of emotional stress. Impotence is also a chronic condition
associated with a variety of diseases (cancer, diabetes, endocrine or vascular
disorders, neurological lesions, prostate disorders and surgery). Another
health-related problem that may unnecessarily lead to impotence is the fear
among heart patients that sexual intercourse will bring on another attack.
This fear is usually unwarranted. Following a heart attack or open-heart
surgery, most men can safely resume intercourse within 8–12 weeks and are
encouraged by physicians to do so. Medications such as antihypertensive and
psychotropic drugs and steroids, as well as chronic substance abuse, can also
produce impotence. There is also the so-called widower’s syndrome, a label
for impotence in men who have lost a spouse and have not had sexual
intercourse for a long time.

A hysterectomy performed to treat slippage or improper positioning of
the uterus, to eliminate fibroid tumors, or as a treatment for uterine cancer
may contribute to a woman’s loss of interest in sex. A hysterectomy is referred
to as “simple” when the uterus and cervix are removed, and as “total” when
the ovaries and fallopian tubes are also removed. Though removal of the
ovaries causes menopause in a woman who has not yet reached that stage,
hysterectomy does not interfere with the ability to have sexual intercourse
and experience orgasm. However, women who have undergone a hysterec-
tomy or a mastectomy may lose interest in sex and avoid intercourse.

Certain diseases and medications affect the sexual desires of women and
men. The pain and stiffness of osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis can
interfere with the enjoyment of sex: cancer can affect the sex organs as well as
the blood and nerve supplies to them: drugs for controlling high blood pres-
sure (thiazide diuretics, beta blockers) can impair vaginal lubrication. Co

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148 Chapter 6

Difficulty in performing heterosexual intercourse is, of course, not the
only sexual disorder that occurs during adulthood. Voyeurism (peeping),
exhibitionism (displaying one’s genitals), pedophilia (sexual relations with
children, child molestation), and more bizarre sexual behaviors occur. In
addition, not all sexual activity is directed at a person of the opposite biolog-
ical gender. Masturbation is fairly common among adults, declining only
slightly with age. Homosexuality has also “come out of the closet” and is
openly practiced by a sizable minority of the adult population. An estimated
4% of adult males and 2% of adult females are exclusively homosexual
(Hyde, 1986). Although homosexuality was once labeled a mental disorder, in
1973, the American Psychiatric Association removed it from its list of offi-
cially recognized disorders. In addition to heterosexuals, homosexuals, and
autosexuals, there are many bisexual adults who switch from same to opposite-
sex partners at will.

Sex Therapy

Like homosexuality, sex problems and their treatment are no longer
taboo topics. They are widely discussed in the media, the movies, and by
medical experts throughout the world. The importance of good health care,
proper nutrition, and appropriate medications to the maintenance of an
active sex life are generally recognized. Moderation in the intake of food,
coffee, alcohol, and tobacco; proper exercise; protection against sexually
transmitted diseases (STDs); and an awareness that if you do not use it, you
will lose it are recommended (“Sexuality and Aging,” 1997). Perhaps most
important of all are love and respect for one’s sexual partner and acceptance
of sex as normal and desirable at all ages.

Good physical health and a cooperative, understanding partner are nec-
essary but sometimes insufficient in dealing with a sexual problem that has
strong emotional components. In such cases, some form of reeducation or
psychotherapy may be required.

The rapid but effective treatment of sexual inadequacy was pioneered by
Masters and Johnson (1970). Many of the patients seen by them and their
students were older adults who had stopped having sexual intercourse be-
cause of a misunderstanding about the normal biological changes that accom-
pany aging. An illustrative case is described in Report 6–1. After 1 week of
therapy, this couple had regained confidence and sexual functioning. The
therapy helped them to realize that the increased time to attain an erection
and the reduction in seminal fluid by the man, in addition to the decreased
vaginal lubrication by the woman, were normal problems of aging with which
they could deal. The couple became convinced that, despite these problems,
they could continue to enjoy sexual intercourse.

Additional procedures for treating sexual dysfunctions are described by
Masters et al. (1994). In treating impotence and other problems in older
adults, sex therapists may advocate a variety of techniques ranging from the

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Sex, Love, and Marriage 149

REPORT 6-1

Treatment of Sexual Inadequacy

Mr. and Mrs. A. were 66 and 62 years of age, respectively, when referred to the
foundation for sexual inadequacy. They had been married 39 years.

They had maintained reasonably effective sexual interchange during their
marraige. Mr. A. had no difficulty with erection, reasonable ejaculatory control,
and . . . had been fully committed to the marriage. Mrs. A., occasionally orgasmic
during intercourse and regularly orgasmic during her occasional masturbatory
experiences, had continued regularity of coital exposure with her husband until
5 years prior to referral for therapy.

At age 61, … Mr. A. noted for the first time slowed erective attainment.
Regardless of his level of sexual interest or the depth of his wife’s commitment to
the specific sexual experience, it took him progressively longer to attain full
erection. With each sexual exposure, his concern for the delay i n erective secu-
rity increased until finally . . . he failed for the first time to achieve a n erection
quality sufficient for vaginal penetration.

When coital opportunity (next) developed,. , . erection was attained, but
again it was quite slow in development. The next two opportunities were only
partially successful from an erective point of view, and thereafter, he was sec-
ondarily impotent.

After several months, they consulted their physician and were assured that
this loss of erective power comes to all men as they age and that there was
nothing to be done. Loath to accept the verdict, they tried on several occasions to
force an erection with no success. Mr. A. was seriously depressed for several
months but recovered without apparent incident.

Although initially the marital unit a n d their physician had fallen into the
sociocultural trap of accepting the concept of sexual inadequacy as an aging
phenomenon, the more Mr. and Mrs. A. considered their dysfunction, the less
willing they were to accept the blanket concept that lack of erective security was
purely the result of the aging process. They reasoned that they were i n good
health, had n o basic concerns as a marital unit, and took good care of themselves
physically.. . . Each partner underwent a thorough medical checkup and sought
several authoritative opinions (none of them encouraging),refusing to accept the
concept of the irreversibility of their sexual distress. Finally, approximately 5
years after the onset of a full degree of secondary impotence, they were referred
for treatment.

Source: Masters and Johnson. 1970, pp. 326-328. Used with permission.

viewing of pornographic movies and live strippers to self-stimulation and sex
education programs (Butler & Lewis, 1993). Many therapists also recommend
masturbation and fantasy for adults who do not have sexual partners and
want to reduce their sexual tensions.

Because there are many misunderstandings pertaining to sex in later life,
gerontologists and sex therapists have emphasized the reeducation and reas-

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150 Chapter 6

surance of both older adults and the general public concerning sex after age
60 (Butler & Lewis, 1993). Adults of all ages need to realize that sexual activity
in the later years is desired by and satisfying to older adults and important to
their physical and mental well-being. The nature and extent of these activ-
ities, which may include not only sexual intercourse but oral sex, masturba-
tion, and other practices as well, are generally consistent with those engaged
in during the earlier adult years. Some readjustment is usually necessary to
maintain satisfying sexual relationships in later life, but people with avail-
able partners can usually manage the changes necessitated by physiological
decline (Starr, 1993).

LOVE AND LOVING

Freud was wrong. Love is not merely the diversion or sublimation of the
sex drive into more socially acceptable feelings of tenderness and affection.
Rather than being a substitute for sex, feelings of love between two people are
often kindled and intensified by sexual stimulation and intercourse (Dermer
& Pyszczynski, 1978).

Considering how much has been written, said, and sung about the topic
of love, it may seem strange that so little scientific effort has been directed
toward understanding it. For years, psychological researchers avoided the
topic, feeling perhaps that Freud had the last word or that “love” was only
romantic nonsense, fit for entertainment and youthful fantasizing but not
worthy of serious scientific study. During the past few decades, however,
motivated to some extent by investigations of human sexual behavior, re-
search on love has become more acceptable and progress has been made in
understanding it.

Varieties of Love

Some observers see love as a unidimensional state ranging in intensity
from simple liking to profound, passionate affection for another person.
Other philosophers and psychologists have viewed love as multidimen-
sional, varying not only in depth but also in kind. One ancient classification
system, which differentiates between the eros of Plato, the philia of Aristotle,
and the agape of St. Paul, was adopted by Rollo May (1969) in his theory of
love and is described in Table 6–1.

Perhaps more familiar to nonclassicists is the distinction between pas-
sionate and companionate love (Hatfield & Walster, 1981; Rubin, 1973; Walster
& Walster, 1978). Passionate love is an intense, emotional state in which the
partners are deeply absorbed with each other. The ardent sexual passion of
passionate love typically has a relatively short life span, but it may be trans-
formed into companionate love. As depicted in romantic novels, plays, and C

Sex, Love, and Marriage 151

TABLE 6-1 The Many Faces of Love

ELAINE HATFIELD

Passionate love : an intense emotional state of ardent sexual passion a n d positive absorption in

Companionate love: an affectionate, tranquil. stable state i n which two people depend on each
another person.

other a n d enjoy being together.

ABRAHAM MASLOW

D-love (“deficiency love”): the need to receive love from other people.
B-love (“being love”): nonpossessive, giving, honest, and richer a n d more enjoyable than D-love.

RULLO MAY

Eros: the desire to form a psychological union with or feel as one with a love partner.
Philia: the feeling of companionship or friendship that a person has with a loved one, even i n the

Agape: unselfishly giving oneself in a love relationship, with no expectation of receiving any –
absence of sex a n d eros.

thing i n return.

JOHN LEE

Eros: a need to know t h e loved one completely a n d experience everything about him or her.
Mania: obsessive, demanding love, accompanied by pain a n d anxiety because of the insatiable

Ludis: self-centered, playful love, i n which love is treated as a game to be won.
Storge: companionate, solid, peaceful love between close friends.
Agape: saintly, “thou”-centered love that is patient, forgiving, a n d kind.
Pragma: logical, practical love, given only when the partner is considered to be a “good catch.”

ROBERT STERNBERG

Infatuated love: love that is high on passion but low o n intimacy a n d decision/commitment.
Romantic love: love that is high on passion a n d intimacy but low on decision/commitment.
Fatuous love: love that is high on passion and decision/commitment but low on intimacy.
Empty love: love that is low on passion a n d intimacy but high on decision/commitment.
Consummate love: love that is high o n passion, intimacy, a n d decision/commitment.
Companionate love: love that is low on passion but high o n intimacy a n d decision/commitment.

need for attention from the loved one.

poetry, passionate love can range from the extreme high of ecstasy to the
extreme low of loss and depression.

Companionate love consists of a strong but tranquil feeling of affection
between two people. Companionate love partners depend on and trust each
other, and they enjoy spending a lot of time together. Their feelings for each
other are less intense but more stable than those of passionate lovers and are
based on mutual self-disclosure and understanding. As companionate love
grows, the partners reveal more and more about themselves. Companionate
love is obviously different from passionate love, but the two states are not
mutually exclusive. Romance and passion remain an important part of many
enduring relationships (Murstein, 1985; Skolnick, 1981; Traupmann, Eckels,
& Hatfield, 1982).

Many other ways of classifying love have been proposed. The humanistic Co
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1 52 Chapter 6

Figure 6–2 Sternberg’s triangular model of love. (Based on Sternberg, 1986.)

psychologist Abraham Maslow distinguished between D-love (“deficiency
love”) and B-love (“being love”). D-love, expressed as a need to receive love,
often involves selfish efforts to obtain affection from others. B-love is more
honest, nonpossessive, generous, and enjoyable (Maslow, 1970).

More research-based than the conceptions of Maslow and May is Robert
Sternberg’s (1986) three-factor theory of love. As illustrated in Figure 6–2, the
theory describes love in terms of three dimensions: passion (intense physio-
logical desire for someone), intimacy (sharing thoughts and emotions with
someone), and decision/commitment (willingness to remain with someone).
The various combinations of these three components yield different types of
love: infatuated love, romantic love, fatuous love, empty love, companionate
love, and consummate love (see Figure 6–2). Infatuation, or “love at first
sight,” is based on strong physical attraction. Romantic love is an intimate,
passionate relationship without commitment. Fatuous love, in which the
partners are “swept off their feet” but do not develop intimacy, leads to rapid
courtship and marriage. In empty love, there is no passion or intimacy but the
couple remains committed tc the relationship because of children or other
obligations. Long-term friendships or marriages in which passion has dimin-
ished are companionate love relationships. And the ideal type of love, in
which passion, intimacy, and commitment are all present, is consummate
love. Two other states in Sternberg’s classification system involve either no
passion, no intimacy, and no decision/commitment (nonlove) or intimacy but
no passion and no decision/commitment (liking).

Sternberg (1986) stresses that all three components—passion, intimacy,
and commitment—of his theory of love are dynamic and change in particular
ways in both successful and unsuccessful relationships. Passion consists of a
quickly developing positive force and a more slowly developing but longer
lasting negative force. Following a “breakup,” the negative force can lead to
heartache but eventually disappears. The intimacy component of love grows
steadily at first and then levels off in enduring relationships. When intimacy

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Sex, Love, and Marriage 153

fades, the relationship usually fails. Commitment grows gradually at first,
more rapidly as the relationship progresses, and then either levels off (in
long-term relationships) or declines (in failed relationships).

Falling in Love

As indicated in the preceding paragraph, different aspects of love de-
velop at different rates. The initial “blindness” of love, which is based on
physical attractiveness and other superficial characteristics, gives way to
deeper, more enduring feelings of attachment as lovers confide in each other
and recognize their similar attitudes, beliefs, and interests (Adams, 1979;
Levinger, 1978). For love to develop and last, passion must be complemented
by sharing, caring, and loyalty. Each partner comes to value the other and is as
much concerned about the other’s welfare as about his or her own.

Unless, like Narcissus, we settle for being in love with ourselves, falling
in love requires a partner. But how does one find a partner and become
attracted to him or her? According to Byrne (1971), there are three determi-
nants of attraction: proximity, physical attractiveness, and similarity. Unlike
the way that it was in the days of slow transportation and communication, the
supply of potential partners is no longer limited to our neighbors, school-
mates, and coworkers. Nevertheless, it is still true that one is more likely to
become familiar with people in the immediate vicinity. We can meet potential
lovers through the newspaper, a dating service, or even the Internet, but, like
our predecessors in previous times, we are more likely to meet them in places
that we frequent or through introductions provided by friends, family, and
associates. In addition to proximity, physical attractiveness is an obvious
determinant of attraction for both men and women, and particularly the
former. Attractiveness is, of course, more than simply a matter of physical
characteristics. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and, to some extent,
depends on the seeker’s own physical characteristics. Similarities in educa-
tional and social background, values, interests, attitudes, and other charac-
teristics are also important determinants of love interest—particularly in
long-lasting relationships. In general, research has failed to confirm the com-
plementarity hypothesis that “opposites attract.” In most cases, people are
attracted to those who are like themselves in physical, cognitive, and person-
ality characteristics.

Both initial and more enduring attraction between individuals is also
stimulated by various body signs or nonverbal behaviors. For example, both
men and women “flirt,” signaling their interest and availability by various
gestures (Table 6–2). Lovers pay special attention to their physical appear-
ance (preen, groom), spend a lot of time just looking into each other eyes,
stand close, touch, hug, kiss, and in other ways indicate their preoccupation
and affection. They spend as much time as possible with each other, often
neglecting their friends, families, and other responsibilities (Johnson & Les-
lie, 1982).

154 Chapter 6

TABLE 6-2 Fifty-Two Ways That Women Flirt

Monica Moore and teams of graduate students spent hundreds of hours in bars and student
centers covertly watching women and men court. The following is a list of 52 gestures they found
that women use to signal their interest in men (Moore, M. M., 1995):

Facial/Head Patterns

Coy smiles Laugh
Eyebrow flash Lip lick
Face to face Lipstick application
Fixed gaze Neck presentation

Hair flip Room-encompassing glance
Head toss Short, darting glance
Head nod Smile
Kiss Whisper

Giggle Pout

Posture Patterns

Aid solicitation Lateral body contact
Approach Lean
Breast touch Parade
Brush Placement
Dance (acceptance) Play
Foot to foot Point
Frontal body contact Request dance
Hang Shoulder hug

Hug Solitary dance
Knee touch Thigh touch

Gestures

Arm flexion Caress (torso)
Buttock pat Gesticulation
Caress (arm) Hand hold
Caress (back) Hike skirt
Caress (face/hair) Palm
Caress (leg) Primp
Caress (object) Tap

Traditionally, love and hate have been viewed as opposites, but they also
possess similarities, and one can easily turn into the other. Both love and hate
involve high levels of arousal-one component of emotion. Once aroused,
and depending on the particular stimulus situation, the person may become
passionately loving or passionately angry and hateful. Depending on who is
present and what he or she says or does to the highly aroused person, either
love or hate may be the expressed outcome (see Dutton & Aron, 1974).

Age Differences

The human need for love is not limited to a particular chronological age
or gender, but its features vary with age and sex. The desire for emotional

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Sex, Love, and Marriage 155

closeness appears to be stronger in younger than in older women, and greater
in older than in younger men. Passion and sexual intimacy are generally of
greater importance to younger adults, whereas affection and faithfulness are
more important to older adults (Huyck, 1982). It seems that the passions of
youth either burn out or become transformed into more serene and tender
feelings in old age. There are, however, both similarities and differences in
the way adults of different ages perceive love. For example, in a study of
factors important in love at different chronological ages, Reedy, Birren, and
Schaie (1981) found that, at all ages, emotional security was ranked first,
followed by respect, communication, help and play behaviors, sexual inti-
macy, and loyalty. Although the relative rankings of these factors remained
constant across age groups, the exact scores on each variable varied some-
what with age. Thus, the communication score was higher for younger adults
than for middle-aged and older adults, sexual intimacy was higher for
younger and middle-aged adults than for older adults, and emotional security
and loyalty were higher for older adults than for younger and middle-aged
adults. However, because most such studies are cross-sectional, it is possible
that the results reflect cohort differences rather than aging per se. Thus, when
today’s young adults reach middle- and older adulthood, it may be that their
judgments of factors important in love will be more similar to what they are
now than to those of today’s older adults.

Gender Differences

The socialization of girls in our society places more emphasis on rela-
tionships with other people, whereas in the socialization of boys relation-
ships are subordinated to achievement or accomplishment (Gilligan, 1982).
One consequence of this difference in treatment is that women are more
interested in social relations and usually have more friends than men. In
addition, perhaps because they sense a greater interest and sympathy on the
part of women, people are more willing to confide in women than in men
(Derlega, Winstead, Wong, & Hunter, 1985).

Women also fall in love in different ways than men. Men tend to fall in
love faster, to fall out of love more slowly, and, because they have no one in
whom to confide, suffer more from a breakup (Hill, Rubin, & Peplau, 1976;
Rubin, Hill, Peplau, & Dunkel-Schetter, 1980). Men also tend to be more
romantic than women, believing in love at first sight, that there is one true
love for them, and that love is magical and incomprehensible. In contrast,
women tend to be more cautious and pragmatic about love relationships,
emphasizing financial security as much as passion, that there are many
people with whom they could be equally happy, and that love cannot conquer
all differences or problems (Peplau & Gordon, 1985). Women are more likely
than men to experience both the agony and the ecstasy of love and to disclose
both their positive and negative feelings about a relationship (Jourard, 1971).
When men share their views, they are more likely to discuss their strengths

156 Chapter 6

and politics, whereas women are more likely to discuss their fears and feel-
ings about other people (Rubin et al., 1980).

The extent to which dissatisfaction with a relationship is predictive of its
demise also varies with gender. Because the desire to make a relationship
work is a more important feature of love for women than for men, women are
more apt to “stick it out” when they become dissatisfied with a relationship
(Cowan & Cowan, 1992).

Culture

It is said that the largely Western concept of romantic love was intro-
duced into Europe by Eleanor of Aquitaine, who was a Queen of England
during the twelfth century. Queen Eleanor loved stories, poems, and songs
about love and presumably employed them to calm her volatile husband,
King Henry the Second. Wherever and whenever romantic love may have
begun, it was not a common reason for marrying until fairly modern times.
Even today, in more “traditional” cultures (e.g., China, India, Iran, and
Nigeria), marriage occurs for more pragmatic and familial reasons than
merely because two people have fallen in love. Many marriages in these
countries are still “arranged,” and the bride and groom have little to say about
the matter. In more “modern” countries such as England, the Netherlands,
Finland, and Sweden, not only is romantic love a popular concept but also
marriage without benefit of clergy is widely practiced (Buss et al., 1990)

Though countries throughout the world have become extensively wester-
nized during the twentieth century, it is still possible to rate cultures on a
continuum from traditional to modern in terms of their courtship and mar-
riage practices. For example, Mediterranean countries tend to be more tradi-
tional and Scandinavian countries more modern in their dating and mating
practices. Not only marital customs but also the qualities that one looks for in
a mate vary with the culture. In a cross-cultural study conducted by Buss et al.
(1990) of the characteristics valued in a potential mate, chastity showed the
greatest variability. Some countries and cultures placed a high value on
chastity, whereas others valued it very little. Other characteristics that varied
appreciably from country to country in their perceived importance in a mate
were intelligence, education, and refinement. There were, however, some
cross-cultural similarities as well. For example, women throughout the world
tended to place high value on a man’s earning potential, whereas men placed
greater value on a woman’s physical attractiveness.

MARRIED AND UNMARRIED ADULTS

Most, but not all, Americans get married at least once during their life-
times. The percentage of married women in the United States peaks in the Co

Sex, Love, and Marriage 157

midforties and declines rather abruptly thereafter as the number of widows
increases. The percentage of married men, however, does not peak until the
midfifties. The percentages of divorced women and men also peak in the
midforties, and the percentage of “never marrieds” declines fairly steadily
into older adulthood.

Singles

Between 5% and 10% of American women never marry, but the percent-
age is higher for black than for white women (Saluter, 1996). Among middle-
aged and older adults who never marry are priests, nuns, and others who have
chosen lifestyles that preclude marriage. Most never-marrieds do not con-
sciously intend to make their single status permanent, but for one reason or
another, they have never “tied the knot.” Many prefer the single life, whereas
others have real or imagined handicaps that contribute to an inability to
attract a mate (Corby & Zarit, 1983).

In former times, the traditional role of woman as wife and homemaker
led to a great deal of social pressure on unmarried women in their late
twenties. Friends and family were preoccupied with the single status of a
woman and constantly concerned themselves with finding a suitable mate for
her. However, social attitudes have changed markedly during this century,
and now many men and women feel comfortable waiting until their thirties to
marry, or they decide not to marry at all. These individuals are much less
likely to experience the social censure and alienation to which their nonmar-
ried predecessors were subjected in previous times.

Certain psychologists and psychiatrists, viewing heterosexual union as a
sine qua non of mental health and happiness, have considered chronic bache-
lors and spinsters as self-centered, neurotic, and often sexually deviant indi-
viduals who live lonely, dispirited lives. Although some research studies
have found lifelong singles to be lonelier than marrieds, most singles appear
to be happy, socially adjusted individuals who are satisfied with their life-
styles and interact frequently with their families, friends, and coworkers
(Cargan & Melko, 1982; Essex & Nam, 1987; Rubinstein, 1987). Many women
who have remained single are professional careerists who value their per-
sonal freedom and economic and social independence more than the emo-
tional, sexual, and financial security of marriage. Such women may be highly
educated, but a substantial percentage of those who remain single have a less
than average amount of formal education (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1992).

Never-marrieds do not fit a particular personality stereotype. In a study
of unmarried men, Rubinstein (1987) identified three personality types:
(1) socially active men who were quite sophisticated and had many friends;
(2) social isolates who spent much of their time alone but reached out for
company when they wanted it; (3) outsiders who were truly isolated from
other people. Co

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158 Chapter 6

Of course, not all singles live alone; many live with relatives or friends. In
addition, most singles are not sexually frustrated creatures who have no
outlet for their erotic impulses. Some are “swinging singles” who opt for
temporary heterosexual unions, some are cohabitants, and some are homo-
sexuals.

Cohabitation

An estimated 50% of all couples living together in heterosexual relation-
ships today are nonmarried cohabitants. Most of these relationships are fairly
short-term arrangements that end in either marriage or separation, whereas
others may last for years (Macklin, 1988). In some instances, the cohabiting
couple decides to forego a traditional marriage ceremony and become common-
law partners by declaring themselves to be married. They combine their
assets, file joint tax returns, and can only dissolve their common-law mar-
riage by divorce or death. In states that recognize common-law marriages, the
spouses can collect insurance, social security benefits, and community prop-
erty after a stipulated time has expired. However, fraudulent claims resulting
from common-law marriages have led many states to outlaw them (Marriage,
1993).

Cohabiting couples who eventually marry tend to hold traditional views
concerning the roles of husband and wife, and in marriage they are quite
similar to noncohabiting marital partners in terms of the degree of closeness,
conflict, equality, and satisfaction experienced. Despite the belief that living
together before marriage helps a couple to become better acquainted, premari-
tal cohabitation does not necessarily make marriage better. In fact, there is
some evidence to the contrary (Booth & Johnson, 1988). Because cohabitants
tend to be less conventional, less religious, and of lower socioeconomic status
than noncohabitants, they are more likely to become divorced (DeMaris &
Rao, 1992).

Homosexual Relationships

The social environments of most large cities is conductive to cohabita-
tion among homosexual males (gays) and females (lesbians). Marriages be-
tween homosexuals are not legally sanctioned in the United States, although
legislation concerning such domestic partnerships has received support in
certain cities (e.g., San Francisco, New York) and states (e.g., Hawaii).

Relatively little longitudinal research has been conducted on gay and
lesbian relationships (Kimmel & Sang, 1995; Kurdek, 1991a, 1991b, 1995a,
1995b), but some facts are available. For example, informal marriages be-
tween homosexuals tend to be less stable than legal marriages between het-
erosexuals. Lesbians are more monogamous than gays, more likely to confide C

Sex, Love, and Marriage 159

in one another, do things together more frequently, and remain together for
longer periods of time (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983).

Bell and Weinberg (1978) differentiate between close-coupled, or endur-
ing monogamous relationships, and open-coupled relationships in which
two homosexuals live together but have other lovers as well. Close-coupled,
or “exclusive,” relationships are generally happier than open-coupled ones
and are more common among older than younger gays. Many of these partner-
ships are satisfying and enduring (Butler & Lewis, 1993). The fear of AIDS has
also influenced the durability of homosexual relationships in recent years,
resulting in a greater frequency of gay “marriages” that are close-coupled.
Relationships between lesbian couples can also be described as close- or
open-coupled, but significantly more of them are close-coupled than in the
case of gays. Lesbian couples are generally warm, tender, and caring toward
each other, but such relationships are also more likely to break up than
heterosexual marriages (Nichols & Lieblum, 1983).

Bell and Weinberg (1978) characterize the social/sexual relationships of
gay men who live alone as functional, dysfunctional, or asexual. They found
that approximately 10% of these men were in functional relationships: They
lived alone but had active sex lives, were self-reliant, and felt comfortable
with their homosexuality. The homosexual community serves as a kind of
extended family for such men (Francher & Henkin, 1973). Bell and Weinberg
(1978) classified another 12% of the gay men whom they studied as dysfunc-
tional. These men also lived alone and sometimes had active sex lives, but
they were unhappy and troubled about their status. The last and largest
category of gays identified by Bell and Weinberg were the asexuals. This
category consisted of the 16% of live-alone gays who were withdrawn, lived
quiet lives, had little sexual contact, but appeared untroubled by their sexual
orientation. Like gays, lesbians who live alone may have functional, dysfunc-
tional, or asexual relationships, although a much smaller percentage of les-
bians than gays fall into the last two categories.

Close-coupled homosexual relationships go through phases similar to
those of heterosexual marriages (Kurdek & Schmitt, 1986). However, the
pattern of roles and activities for the male and female members of heterosex-
ual unions is found less often in homosexual partnerships. Role assignments
are less fixed and more negotiable in gay and lesbian households, resulting in
less of a power struggle than that observed in many heterosexual households.

The conception of aging homosexuals as lonely, depressed, and sexually
frustrated is an overgeneralization. Living in a predominantly heterosexual
society creates problems for older homosexuals, but there are also compensa-
tions. Among the problems are discrimination against homosexuals by soci-
ety as a whole, disrespect from family members, inability to have their mar-
riages sanctioned by law, and, in some cases, lack of visitation rights with
their children by former marriages. One advantage of homosexuality, partic-
ularly in older adulthood and especially for lesbians, is the availability of
partners (Raphael & Robinson, 1980). Co

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160 Chapter 6

MY LIFE 6-2

Marriage and Unmarriage

One often hears about “wedded bliss”
or “matrimonial harmony,” but these
are obviously not descriptive of many
conjugal relationships. It may be that
marriages are made in heaven, though
it is doubtful unless one is a bride of
Christ or married to the church. Dura-
tion is certainly not a sure-fire indica-
tor of marital happiness. Most people
who get married probably intend to
stay that way, but, as one young woman
explained to me, “If it doesn’t work
out there are always divorce courts.”
Still, you can’t equate marital stability
with marital satisfaction. One 90-some-
thing-year-old couple celebrated their
diamond wedding anniversary by un-
tying the knot. They confessed that
they had never really liked each other
but decided to wait until the children
had grown old and died before going
their separate ways.

Perhaps place has something to

do with connubial comfort. We tend to
associate people with the places and
circumstances in which we first met
them and with what they were doing
then. First impressions, whether posi-
tive or negative, also play an impor-
tant role, and impressions are affected
by circumstances. Remember the vaude-
ville joke about the dizzy couple who
met in a revolving door and kept going
around together? Well, my wife and I
didn’t meet in a door, but we did meet
in a mental hospital (a nonrevolving
door?). Occasionally, after a disagree-
ment of some sort, one of us will sug-
gest to the other that he or she should
go back there for a long visit.

Time of day also seems to be a
factor in affectionate regard for an-
other person. Most people are more
romantic in the evening, when the low
illumination and the dreamy atmo-
sphere make both genders more attrac-

Marriage

Marriage is a legal, religious, social, and personal affair. It is an institu-
tion, a sacrament, a promise, and a contract entered into with some thought of
enduring until death, but with only a 50-50 chance of doing so. Although
marriage may not last until death, there is some evidence that men who get
married do not die as soon as those who remain single. Whether the greater
longevity of married men is due to the fact that marriage selects rather than
protects, that is, that healthy, long-living people are more likely to marry and
stay married, it is also possible that the emotional ties and the sharing of labor
and mutual responsibility of marriage encourage health and long life-at
least in males. However, it seems that, in terms of longevity, women benefit
less from marriage and suffer less than men from being single. At least, this
was the finding in a study by Gove (1973). A subsequent investigation con-
ducted by Kobrin and Hendershot (1977) on a national sample of people who
died between the ages of 35 and 74 yielded complex findings concerning the C

Sex, Love, and Marriage 161

tive. Unfortunately, your nocturnal
soulmate may not be recognizable by
the cold, unforgiving light of day. If
you enjoy kissing her (or him) in the
morning, you’ll enjoy it anytime. Or as
one reluctant groom responded when
urged by the preacher to kiss the bride,
“I’ll pass if you don’t mind!”

I’ve always believed that it is a
good idea to try marriage at least once,
hut some people carry it to ridiculous
extremes. Two cases in point are Tommy
Manville with his 25 wives and Eliza-
beth Taylor with her 8 husbands. Of
course, Liz, like my own mother, mar-
ried (and divorced) the same man
twice. The couple apparently needed a
second go-round before coming to the
conclusion that they really couldn’t
stand each other after all.

Having more than one mate poses
a problem of what to do with them. If
you live in a polygamous society or can
travel rapidly from place to place, it
may not be necessary to get rid of them
at all. Extinguishing an old flame by
paying her (or him) off is another pos-

sibility, but the method of figuratively
(“Jane Eyre”) or literally (“Bluebeard”)
burying your mistakes is definitely not
recommended. Furthermore, even if you
like your spouses a lot, you shouldn’t
follow the example of some ancient
kings and try to take them with you
when you die.

It is conceivable that the rate of
spouse-disposal could be reduced by
“heading it off at the pass.” One might
make a “Scenes from a Bad Marriage”
videotape of all the things that can go
wrong with a match and play it back
several times for people who are con-
templating coupling. It is doubtful,
however, that even the most graphic
depictions and predictions will deter
two individuals who are blinded by
love and intent on getting hitched.
Love and marriage continue to go to-
gether like work and play, life and
death, or a horse and carriage. The
question is who will he the driver and
who the driven, and how long will it
be before the horse bolts or the driver
jumps off the rig?

effects of marriage on longevity. In general, however, the results of this and
other studies (e.g., Berkman & Syme, 1979) support the conclusion that close
social ties and higher social status, which are more likely to be found in
marriage than outside it, favor greater longevity. This relationship suggests
that social interaction, such as is found in marriage, is as important as diet,
alcohol consumption, smoking, or exercise in promoting a long life (see
House, Robbins, & Metzner, 1982).

In 1995, 50% of males, 56% of females, 60% of non-Hispanic whites,
40% of blacks, and 55% of Hispanics in the United States over age 14 were
married. Figure 6–3 shows that the median age of first marriages for both men
and women during this century declined until the 1950s and then rose again.
That many Americans do not get married until their late thirties, if ever, is
indicated by the fact that in 1995, 33% (13.6 million) of those aged 25–34 had
never been married. However, many unmarried couples in this group were
living together (Saluter, 1996).

162 Chapter 6

Year

Figure 6-3
(Based on data from Saluter, 1996.)

Median age for first marriage by year during the twentieth century.

until the forties and then declines. However, the percentage of married men
reaches a maximum approximately 10 years later and declines less rapidly
than the percentage of married women. At all ages, the percentages of black
men and women who are married are lower than those of Hispanic and non-
Hispanic white men and women. Less than 75% of black women, compared
with 90% of white women, eventually marry, and they tend to marry at a later
age. Also note the steep drop in the percentage of married women produced
by widowhood in later life (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1992).

People get married for many different reasons other than love and ro-
mance: familial and peer expectations and pressures; to improve their eco-
nomic and social positions; to raise a family; to cope with feelings of loneli-
ness, inadequacy, and insecurity. Some women still get married because they
are pregnant, but out-of-wedlock births have become fairly common and less
likely to produce personal, social, and economic handicaps than they once
were.

Although traditional marriage in which the husband is the dominant
partner and decision maker and the wife is the principal housekeeper and
child rearer, has been declining in popularity, it is still the most common
type. Other marital arrangements include companionate, colleague, open, C

Sex, Love, and Marriage 163

Age Interval (Years)

Figure 6–4
(Based on data from Saluter, 1996.)

Percentage of married men and women as a function of age in 1995.

and group marriages. In companionate marriage, no distinction is made
between male and female roles. Both husband and wife can assume any of the
duties, rights, and obligations of the family unit. Different from companionate
marriage in terms of role assignments, but also democratic, is colleague
marriage. Here, specific duties and responsibilities are assumed by each
partner and recognized as such by the other marital partner. Companionate
and colleague marriages are especially popular among highly educated, mid-
dle- and upper-middle-class couples (Duberman, 1974).

At the more liberal end of the traditional-modern continuum of marital
arrangements are open and group marriages. An open marriage is a legally
sanctioned union, but both partners find it perfectly acceptable to have sexual
relationships with other people. Group marriage is a communal arrangement
in which a number of couples are legally married to one another but decide to
share living quarters, duties, and sexual partners (Duberman, 1974).

A major task in marriages of various sorts is that of role differentiation
and the associated process of power division. A research study conducted by
Miller and Olson (1978) found evidence for nine different patterns of role and
power differentiation between husband and wife: wife-led (disengaged, con-
genial, or confrontive), husband-led (disengaged, engaging, confrontive, con-Co

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164 Chapter 6

flictive, or cooperative), and shared leadership. A strong determinant of
power in marriage, whether wife-led or husband-led, was money. Women
who had high incomes tended to be equal to or higher in power than their
husbands. In a further analysis of their data, Miller and Olson were able to
describe most marriages in terms of dominance, conflict, and affect. The
affect dimension included such behaviors as humor or laughter, disapproval
of the spouse, and self-doubt on the part of the husband.

Other researchers who have analyzed changes in the ways that marital
partners deal with problems of authority, control, and power over time have
delineated various phases through which married couples pass in their rela-
tionships with each other. Kurdek and Schmitt (1986) differentiated between
the blending phase of the first year, the nesting phase of the second and third
years, and the maintaining phase of the fourth and subsequent years of
marriage. The blending phase consists of learning to live together and to think
of the marital partners as an interdependent pair. The nesting phase involves
an exploration by the partners of limits on their compatibility and the time
that they should spend on shared activities. Stress and disillusionment are
frequently at a maximum during this phase of marriage. In the third and final
phase, the maintaining phase, family traditions are established, the individu-
ality of each partner is recognized, and the level of stress declines.

All marriages are obviously not successful or happy ventures. Unwilling-
ness or inability to compromise, inflexibility, and a refusal to acknowledge
one’s own inadequacies and failures as well as those of one’s spouse are
characteristic of partners in unhappy marriages. Short marriages are typically
unhappy ones, but endurance does not necessarily imply satisfaction. Many
middle-aged couples, women in particular, who have been married for two
decades are dissatisfied with their marriages. The good news for these indi-
viduals is that marital satisfaction generally increases in later life (Anderson,
Russell, & Schumm, 1983; Lee, 1988). It is usually highest during the first
years of marriage, declines until the children begin leaving home, and then
rises again (Berry & Williams, 1987).

A number of factors are associated with enduring marriages. Included
among them are the relative maturity of the partners when they are married,
the degree of financial security, and a feeling that the relationship is an equal
one (Diamond, 1986). Among other factors that can interfere with marital
happiness and have an effect on the length of a marriage are pregnancy or
delivery prior to the marriage ceremony, the physical appearance of one’s
spouse (Margolin & White, 1987), whether or not there are children in the
home, and the personal and behavioral characteristics of the spouse (depen-
dency; argumentativeness; addiction to alcohol, tobacco, and drugs). With
older couples, the situation in which the husband is retired but the wife
continues to work outside the home can become a source of conflict and
dissatisfaction in marriage (Lee, 1988).

In general, married couples, as with any two people who live close to
each other for years in an interdependent, symbiotic relationships, experi-Co

Sex, Love, and Marriage 165

ence periods of cooperation and conflict, like and dislike. The longer two
people live together, the greater their investment in the marriage and, hope-
fully, the greater their involvement and desire to make it work. The tradi-
tional virtues of tolerance, patience, consideration, respect, and affection are
as important in marital happiness and longevity as they are in any effective
human relationship and must be practiced by both partners.

Divorce

Nothing lasts forever: love dies, a spouse dies, and many marriages end
in divorce. Marital discord occurs for a number of reasons, 11 of which are
listed in Figure 6–5. Not all of these reasons necessarily lead to divorce, but
they are now more likely to do so than in previous times. In the last century,
marriages ended in death as often as in divorce, but divorce has become the
principal cause of marital breakups in this century. Legal grounds for divorce
in previous times—adultery, alcoholism, brutality, desertion, and nonsupport—
are still acceptable reasons, but incompatibility is a more common reason,
and “no-fault” divorces are also becoming fashionable. Unlike former times,
when the marital roles of husband and wife were relatively fixed and men and

Reason for Divorce

Communication problems

Basic unhappiness

Incompatibility

Emotional abuse

Financial problems

Sexual problems

Alcohol abuse-husband

Infidelity by spouse

In -laws

Physical abuse

Women’s liberation

0 10 20 30 40 50 60 70 80

Percentage Giving Reason

166 Chapter 6

15-19 20-24 25-29 30-34 35-39 40-44 45-54 55-64 65-74 75-84 85+

Age interval (Years)

Figure 6–6
age in 1995. (Based on data from Saluter, 1996.)

Percentage of divorced men and women as a function of chronological

women were not expected to understand the opposite sex but simply to fulfill
their vows and duties, today’s couples are less apt to endure marriages in
which disagreements and conflicts are frequent.

As shown in Figure 6–6, divorce rates for both men and women are at a
peak in the early forties. The average number of years of marriage before
divorcing has been declining and is now slightly over 6 years. Approximately
40% of first marriages in the United States end in divorce, a figure that is
among the highest in the world. The divorce rate is higher for blacks than for
whites, and higher for whites than for Hispanics. Among Hispanics, Puerto
Ricans have higher divorce rates than Mexican Americans and Cuban Ameri-
cans (Bean & Tienda, 1987). The divorce rate is also higher for people who
either failed to graduate from high school or had some college than for those
who terminated their formal education with high school graduation (12 years)
or college graduation (16 years) (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1992).

As might be expected, divorce is now more common among young
women who married when they were teenagers and were pregnant or had a
child prior to marriage. Higher frequencies of divorce are also found in lower
income groups and among those who attend religious services infrequently
(Glenn & Supancic, 1984; U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1992). C

Sex, Love, and Marriage 167

The increased financial and social independence of women, the avail-
ability of welfare, and changes in public attitudes and mores have contrib-
uted to the increase in the divorce rate and the increased acceptability, if not
respectability, of divorce as a means of solving marital problems and achiev-
ing personal fulfillment. Divorced people usually find that the change in their
marital status has not solved all their problems; for example, they are often
even more depressed than when they were married (Menaghan & Lieberman.
1986).

Although it is usually the wife who files for divorce, in the short run the
husband usually suffers more from it (Bloom & Caldwell, 1981; Kelly, 1982).
Not only does a divorced man experience feelings of rejection and failure, but
fathers who do not have custody of their children tend to see them less often,
are less involved in decisions regarding their lives, and frequently end up as
bitter enemies of their ex-wives (Ahrons & Rodgers, 1987; Furstenberg &
Nord, 1985; Seltzer, 1991). In the long run, however, the reduced financial
status of the wife and, in most cases, the fact that she is awarded custody of
any children from the marriage, create a greater hardship on her. Not only
must she continue to perform the roles of homemaker and parent, but she is
also responsible for taking care of all the practical and financial matters that
were previously the husband’s responsibilities. Furthermore, it is usually
more difficult for a divorced woman than for a divorced man to find a new
heterosexual partner. This is particularly true when the woman is no longer
young and has children to take care of.

The effects of divorce on a child depend on the age, sex, and personality
of the child and his or her relationships with the parents. Young children tend
to be more emotionally vulnerable, to experience greater stress, and to suffer
feelings of guilt, blame, and abandonment, whereas adolescents are more
likely to react with confusion and anger (Cooney & Uhlenberg, 1990). In
general, teenagers cope better than younger children, especially when they
have a close relationship with the custodial parent. There is also some evi-
dence that divorced parents express less affection for their children and that
this may be accompanied by sexual promiscuity in girls and gender-role
reversal in boys (Hetherington, Cox, & Cox, 1977; Kelly & Wallerstein, 1976).

Remarriage

Everyone deserves a second chance, and many people take it. Four out of
10 marriages in the United States are remarriages for at least one of the parties.
Remarriages are more likely for men than for women, for young adults than
for middle-aged and older adults, for whites than for blacks or Hispanics, and
for less educated than for highly educated women (U.S. Bureau of the Census,
1992). Remarriage is more likely shortly after divorcing and declines in proba-
bility as the time since the divorce increases.

168 Chapter 6

time—romance, affection, companionship, security, regard, and so on. Sex is
an important reason for remarriage at all ages but less so with older adults. As
people grow older, closeness and intimacy become more important than
sexual relations.

Despite the popular song that love is more comfortable the second time
around, remarriages tend to be even less stable than first marriages. As it was
with the first divorce, the likelihood of redivorce after a second marriage is
higher for younger than for older couples. Apparently, older couples are more
likely to think twice before remarrying, to select more wisely, and to have
learned from experience that compromise and consideration are necessary in
order to make marriage work. Remarriage among older adults after the death
of a spouse also has a greater chance of success than remarriage after a divorce
(U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1992).

A successful remarriage requires not only the efforts of both partners but
also those of the relatives and friends of the marital partners. The newlyweds
usually need all the support, understanding, and acceptance they can get
from those who are close to them. This is particularly true in the case of
stepchildren. Adolescents, especially boys, and when the stepparent is a
man, typically adjust better than younger children to a new stepparent
(Hetherington, Cox, & Cox, 1982). In any case, it is natural for a child or an
adolescent to be concerned about someone who demands much of the time,
attention, and love of the natural mother or father. Conflicts between step-
parents and stepchildren and their consequent inability to adjust to each
other are a major reason for the failure of second marriages in which there are
children from a previous marriage (White & Booth, 1985).

SUMMARY

The purpose of life is more than reproduction, but there is no question
that sex and love make life more interesting and exciting. Sexual behavior is
regulated to some extent by hormones secreted by the hypothalamus, the
pituitary gland, and the gonads, but it is also affected by experience and
practice. The sexual response cycle in adult human beings consists of four
phases: excitation, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. A large percentage of
males and females have had intercourse by the time they reach 20 years of
age, but the frequency of intercourse declines after age 30. Be that as it may,
many men, but fewer women, in their seventies and eighties continue to
enjoy sexual intercourse.

Most older women who stop having sex do so because their husbands
stop, or because they are widows who are unable or unwilling to find another
partner. Vaginal changes produced by menopause cause pain and irritation
during sexual intercourse, but hormone replacement therapy and other treat-
ments can reduce the discomfort. Older men experience changes in the testes,
the prostate gland, and in sexual functioning, but the notion of a “male
menopause” similar to that of women is incorrect.

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Sex, Love, and Marriage 169

Sexual dysfunctions in both men and women may be temporary condi-
tions produced by excessive consumption of food or alcohol, fatigue, bore-
dom, stress, and conflict. Chronic conditions, such as impotence in males and
frigidity in females, are associated with a variety of disorders and medica-
tions, Hysterectomy in women and prostate surgery in men can also affect
sexual interest and activity, but typically not reversibly. A variety of chemi-
cal, surgical, and psychological procedures are used to treat sexual dysfunc-
tions. The rapid, effective treatment of sexual inadequacy was pioneered by
William Masters and Virginia Johnson.

Various classification systems have been proposed for describing differ-
ent kinds of love. Among these are Elaine Hatfield’s distinction between
passionate or companionate love; Rollo May’s differentiation between eros,
philia, and agape; and Robert Sternberg’s six types of love (infatuated, roman-
tic, fatuous, empty, consummate, companionate), plus nonlove and liking.
Sternberg’s eight categories consist of various combinations of the component
dimensions of passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment. The three com-
ponents are dynamic, changing in particular ways in successful and unsuc-
cessful relationships.

A number of research studies have been conducted on how people be-
come attracted to one another and fall in love. Three important determinants
of attraction are proximity, physical attractiveness, and similarity. Although
opposites attract in certain cases, in general similarity in interests, abilities,
and background has greater pulling power than complementarity.

Passion and sexual intimacy are typically of greater importance to
younger than to older adults, but the rank orders of factors that are important
to love are similar at different ages. One study found that emotional security,
respect, communication, help and play behaviors, sexual intimacy, and loy-
alty were ranked in that order of importance for a mate by young, middle-
aged, and older adults.

Women tend to emphasize interpersonal relationships more than men,
and they also fall in love in different ways. Compared with men, women tend
to be less romantic but more cautious, more pragmatic, and more determined
to make a love relationship work. Courtship and marriage behaviors and
practices vary not only with age and gender but also with social class and
culture.

Approximately 90% of Americans marry at least once,the percentage
being lower for blacks than for whites and Hispanics. Marriage is, however,
not essential for happiness. Most single adults are quite active socially and
appear to be fairly well satisfied with their lifestyles.

Half of all couples who live together are nonmarried cohabitants, and a
sizable percentage of these couples eventually marry. Unfortunately, the
experience of having lived together prior to marriage does not guarantee a
happier or more enduring marriage.

Homosexual relationships may be either close-coupled or open-coupled,
with more lesbians than gays having close-coupled relationships. The social/
sexual relationships of gays have also been characterized as functional, dys-

170 Chapter 6

functional, or asexual, in order of increasing frequency. These three catego-
ries are also descriptive of lesbian relationships, but the functional category
is the largest for lesbians.

The average age for first marriages increased by more than three-and-
a-half years between 1970 and 1995. Blacks tend to marry later, and at all ages
a smaller percentage are married, than whites and Hispanics. Traditional
marriage, in which the husband is the dominant partner and chief decision
maker, has declined in popularity, while companionate and colleague mar-
riages have increased in recent decades. Other, less popular arrangements
include open and group marriages.

Role differentiation and power division between marital partners is a
major task of a marriage and can lead to various combinations of respon-
sibilities assumed by the husband and wife. The relationship between marital
partners can also be characterized in terms of dominance, conflict, and affect.

Most marriages pass through a series of phases in which the partners
attempt to deal with the problems of authority, control, and power. One
descriptive system depicts marriages as progressing from an initial blending
phase in the first year to a nesting phase in the second and third years, and
finally to a maintaining phase in the third and ensuing years.

The level of satisfaction is usually highest during the first years of a
marriage, declining until the children begin leaving home, and then rising
again. Happiness in marriage is, however, not merely a function of time but
also of finances, health, social support, the personalities of the spouses, the
presence of children, and other factors.

Divorce is the principal cause of marital breakup and has become in-
creasingly easy to obtain in this century. The number of years of marriage
before divorcing has also declined. The divorce rate is higher for blacks than
for whites and Hispanics, for lower than for higher income groups, and for
women who were pregnant or had given birth before marriage. Men usually
suffer more from divorce in the short run, but women suffer more in the long
run.

Four out of 10 marriages in the United States are remarriages. Remarriage
is more common for men than for women, for young than for middle-aged and
older adults, and for less educated than for highly educated women. Remar-
riages tend to be even less stable than first marriages, failing for many of the
same reasons as first marriages, in addition to the presence of stepchildren
in the home.