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Respond to Peers: Respond to at least two of your classmates. Respond to one classmate who used a different revision technique than you did and one who used a similar revision technique. In each response: •Compare the resources and techniques you used for revision to those your classmate used. •Make one concrete suggestion about how the revision sample can be further improved. Please do not comment on grammar or stylistics—just content. Response posts must be 125 to 200 words in length
ok so i have download my revision checklist of a personal essay i have writen i have also downloaded 2 classmates discussion Kristen and simone i need u to respond back to there discussion write the responds as you where talking to them needs to 125 to 200 words in lenght to each person. i have also downloaded there revision checklist for kristen and simone there revision checklist goes with there discussion . If you have any question please i ask me.
Revision Checklist
Your name: Melissa Maclean
Date:
Jan 11, 2018
· Outline your essay as it currently stands.
Introduction:
State your attention grabber:
State your thesis:
Body paragraph 1:
State your topic sentence:
Summarize your evidence/examples:
Body paragraph 2:
State your topic sentence:
Summarize your evidence/examples:
Body paragraph 3:
State your topic sentence:
Summarize your evidence/examples:
Body paragraph 4:
State your topic sentence:
Summarize your evidence/examples:
Body paragraph 5:
State your topic sentence:
Summarize your evidence/examples:
Conclusion
Transition word:
How purpose is reemphasized:
· Locate two gaps in the outline where you need to make connections more clear. See “Is the Paper Coherent?” in Chapter 9, Section 2 of your textbook.
1.
I need to add more dialogue with my children.
2.
Eliminate some transitional words that I have used in between my sentences.
· How can I make my essay more organized? List two ideas.
1. By adding more description in my events will help the outline of the timeline.
2. Adding more dialogue will make the essay more relatable to the reader.
· Where can I add more content? List two ideas. Describe what you might add.
1. More detail regarding the balance of having a career while being a parent.
2. More description of my events.
· List 3 to 5 instructions for improvement provided by your instructor on your week one practice essay
that would also be helpful as you revise your week three draft.
1.
2.
3.
4.
· List 1 to 3 specific suggestions for improvement provided by your peers from your week three draft that you wish to address.
1.
2.
3.
I have always taken advantage of opportunities to learn at home, at work or at school with the
expectation that one day; I will enroll in a university to acquire more knowledge in the field of
my career.
Notably, in the modern world, several graduates are joining the workforce; subsequently, making
the working environment more competitive than ever before.
. In this case, I decided to go back to school too I improve my credentials and be able to compete
with the other fresh graduates.
Although I have gained experience in my career, it is inadequate to guarantee job security due to
the competitive state of the job market.
Availability of online degree programs, which have considerably eased learning while working
was also a significant source of motivation when deciding to go back to school.
Lastly, like many parents, I decided to go back to school to set an example and act as a
role model to my children.
, I feel that going back to school is an excellent way to prove to my children that education is
essential; therefore, motivate them to follow my educational path.
My going back to school has not been a smooth one.
Despite the challenges, my resolve to achieve a university degree is still firm, and I feel
that the decision to go ba ck to school was the right and I look forward to my graduation.
I am aware that these benefits will not occur automatically, and I will need to continue
improving my skills and acquire more knowledge regarding my field of career.
Running head: GOING BACK TO SCHOOL 1 I plan to undertake master and doctorate degrees in the line of my job after completing
mine undergraduate degree in supply chain management.
See if you can expand the idea of setting an example for your children.
What do your children to say to you as you work hard to achieve your degree?
what do you say to them?
Add some conversation to your decision to attend college, either internal or
external.
more details regarding the balance of having a car eer while being a parent could help outline the
timeline.
more description of key events would add to the intensity
remove some of the unnecessary transitional words between sentences.
The modern world has several adults who are pursuing education for various reasons that include
getting a sense of accomplishment, job security, and career advancement.
I decided to go back to sc hool for self-fulfillment, advance my career and have better pay,
act as a role model to my children and set their education standards, and increase my chances of
getting a better and well-paying job as well as rise to the management levels.
Since my childhood, I have had a dream of achieving the highest possible level of e ducation
because of my immense passion for learning.
Running head: ENG 121 REVISION CHECKLISTS 1
ENG 121 REVISION CHECKLISTS 3
ENG 121 Revision Checklists
Student’s Name
Institutional Affiliation
ENG 121 Revision Checklists
My essay had an introduction, place of the occurrence of the event, key events of the composition followed by the description of my immediate and long-term reaction to the circumstances. The last section was the reflection of events as depicted in the whole story. Nevertheless, some missing essential elements make a story fascinating.
The first revision I made was the proper introduction of myself in the introduction section, which somewhat did not make me fit perfectly with the events I was describing. I added the catching phrases as well as well the entire overview of the development. This will give the reader holistic view of the story.
The second revision of my essay was the proper introduction of the events in chronological order as well as an appropriate description of the characters in the circumstances. Consequently, this made the scene to be a little bit confusing. I have made set the stage, as well as described the significant characters thus causing the event to continue.
Using the tips and methods, I have revised the essay by undoubtedly bring out the critical events in the story by describing them in detail. I have also incorporated specific quotes and direct speech. Moreover, I have added the long-term reaction to the events that occurred in my personal life.
Lastly, I have reflected on the events in detailed, what might have happened if they never happened and their present effects on me today as well as the reaction of my friends and family to my experience.
References
Midgette, E., & Haria, P. (2016). Planning and Revising Written Arguments: the Effects of Two Text Structure-Based Interventions on Persuasiveness of 8th-Grade Students’ Essays. Reading Psychology, 37(7), 1043-1075.
Wei, M. (2017). Strategies for First-Year University ESL Students to Improve Essay Writing Skills.
· Kristen Edwards
Thursday Jan 11 at 5:01pm
Hello Everyone,
I have decided to a little revision to my entire essay. With some feedback I realize parts of my essay are in a negative stance in which I want to have a positive stance on. I have also incorporated more transition words in order to have my essay flow in a more coherent way. One technique I used was to give myself time for my essay, to work on this little by little. Walk away from time to time to have better insight when I came back to my essay. I also read this essay to a family member to have insight from someone whom has helped me through this experience. Attached is ms my revision checklist.
Thank you,
Kristen
Manage Discussion Entry
·
Go To Topic
Hello Everyone,
I have decided to a little revision to my entire essay. With some feedback I realize parts of my essay are in a negative stance in which I want to have a positive stance on. I have also incorporated more transition words in order to have my essay flow in a more coherent way. One technique I used was to give myself time for my essay, to work on this little by little. Walk away from time to time to have better insight when I came back to my essay. I also read this essay to a family member to have insight from someone whom has helped me through this experience. Attached is ms my revision checklist.
Thank you,
Kristen
C:\Users\PAM\Documents\kristen_revision_checklist x
·
Simone
Doyle
Thursday Jan 11 at 6:57pm
Hello,
After reviewing the checklist, and the feedback that I have received. I feel as though there are several parts that need improvements. I need to work on my opening paragraph by making this stronger it will make a more solid opening paragraph which may help bring the reader into my essay. This helps bring a strong foundation to my paper. The body of my essay needs more dialogue, which will help the reader feel what I was actually feeling. While completing the checklist, I also realized that I need to revise my conclusion, the conclusion isn’t exactly what I want it to be. I came to the conclusion that if I spend a certain amount of time on my paper, and then walk away, it will help me refocus on my paper. Hopefully bringing it all together.
Thanks
Simone
Manage Discussion Entry
· Go To Topic
Hello,
After reviewing the checklist, and the feedback that I have received. I feel as though there are several parts that need improvements. I need to work on my opening paragraph by making this stronger it will make a more solid opening paragraph which may help bring the reader into my essay. This helps bring a strong foundation to my paper. The body of my essay needs more dialogue, which will help the reader feel what I was actually feeling. While completing the checklist, I also realized that I need to revise my conclusion, the conclusion isn’t exactly what I want it to be. I came to the conclusion that if I spend a certain amount of time on my paper, and then walk away, it will help me refocus on my paper. Hopefully bringing it all together.
Thanks
Simone
C:\Users\PAM\Documents\simone_revision_checklist x
Revision Checklist
Name: Kristen Edwards
Date: January 10, 2018
· Outline your essay as it currently stands.
Introduction:
State your attention grabber:
We have all learned from our failures in life, I know I have learned an immense amount from every failure I have encountered.
State your thesis:
While gaining a degree build intellect, going back to college has not been easy because it take a lot of self-discipline and motivation.
Body paragraph 1:
State your topic sentence:
As gaining a degree can build intellect within you it can also be so much more than expanding my horizon intellectually.
Summarize your evidence/examples:
Learning more about myself, how my mind works, how to critically read and write, along with learning how to better self-analyze.
Body paragraph 2:
State your topic sentence:
Going back to college, after ten years, has not been an easy task.
Summarize your evidence/examples:
To be successful it takes self-discipline and motivation. I failed the first couple times I attempted college due to procrastination and lack of motivation. Along with my time management skills being very poor.
Body paragraph 3:
State your topic sentence:
I know now some courses may not come easy, but they will lead me to where I
want to be in the long run.
Summarize your evidence/examples:
The more difficult courses I will take will expand my learning and help me more in the long run. The difficult courses I will take on as a challenge.
Conclusion:
Transition word:
Thus
How purpose is reemphasized:
Thus, I have learned more than I ever thought I would learn about myself and how to succeed. I have also learned that I will learn the most within my most difficult task or most uncomfortable moment. I now know how to better time manage my studies, how to study more thoroughly and how to be more self-disciplined. These three little skills will lead me to my success in gaining my degree and furthering my career.
My purpose was restated by restating my thesis statement within my conclusion paragraph.
· Locate two gaps in the outline where you need to make connections more clear. See “Is the Paper Coherent?” in Chapter 9, Section 2 of your textbook.
1. The first gap I see is with paragraph 2 and
3.
I need better examples to help the paragraphs flow and connect.
2. The second gap I see is from paragraph 4 to my conclusion. I need better transition words and sentences to connect these two paragraphs more efficiently.
· How can I make my essay more organized? List two ideas.
1. I can provide more examples to connect my essay in a more of a coherent way.
2. I need to use better transition words and sentences
· Where can I add more content? List two ideas. Describe what you might add.
1. I need to add more content in describing my journey. More examples of how I got to where I am from where I was.
2. I also need to add more personal conversations I had that led me to getting my chance in really succeeding.
· List 3 to 5 instructions for improvement provided by your instructor on your week 1 practice essay
that would also helpful as you revise your week 3 draft.
1. Adding more narrative content.
2. Give the reader more description.
3. Using the Ashford videos on writing.
· List 1 to 3 specific suggestions for improvement provided by your peers from your week 3 draft that you wish to address.
1. Remove the negativity within the essay.
2. Describe more efficiently how I failed.
3.
Use more transition words.
Revision Checklist
Your name: Simone Doyle
Date:
1/11/2018
· Outline your essay as it currently stands.
Introduction:
State your attention grabber:
Life as an army brat, I can remember it as if it were yesterday. There are many things about being a brat that can be rewarding and also very difficult at times.
State your thesis:
This particular time when we moved back to Germany was a little harder than any of the pervious moves. I was getting ready to start at another school this year.
Body paragraph 1:
State your topic sentence:
There are many things about being a military brat that can be rewarding and also a very difficult at times.
Summarize your evidence/examples:
Traveling a lot, and moving from school to school can make it difficult to make friends, or even to keep friends. I was a freshman in high school and this move made it my third high school in 6 months. Didn’t have the answers, and wasn’t mentally prepared for what was in store for me.
Body paragraph 2: This paragraph gives a little bit of background history of where Hanau actually is, and what were its surrounding areas.
State your topic sentence:
Hanau American High School was located in Hanau, Germany on a base named Pioneer Kaserne.
Summarize your evidence/examples: What are some of the other bases around Hanau, what type of military members were stationed there. A little bit of back ground history on the school itself.
Body paragraph 3: My life as a Hanau Panther started as I entered the building still not sure what to expect.
State your topic sentence: I entered the hallways looking for the counselor’s office to find out what my new schedule was going to be.
Summarize your evidence/examples: Waited in the counselor’s office to actually meet my advisor, get my schedule and get the school map. I had never been in a school this big before.
Body paragraph 4:
State your topic sentence: I would have never thought that being a student there would have contributed so much to my life.
Summarize your evidence/examples: I had many ups and downs, many firsts, some of which included first boyfriend, first dance, and first football game. As with any firsts, there are also lasts. I was taught to be successful not only as a student but also as a person in life.
Conclusion
As a new comer to Hanau High, I was scared, and really didn’t know how I was going to be treated by the students that were already there. To my surprise I was accepted as one of them.
Transition word:
How purpose is reemphasized:
I re-emphasized the purpose by summarizing each paragraph and its relevance to the thesis statement. I also mention that I hope my essay helped the reader understand more about the topic I discussed.
· Locate two gaps in the outline where you need to make connections more clear. See “Is the Paper Coherent?” in Chapter 9, Section 2 of your textbook.
1. The topic sentence for the first paragraph and the second need to come together a little more.
2. There is a gap between my fifth and sixth paragraph, somehow I need to bring those together to help with the flow of the paper.
· How can I make my essay more organized? List two ideas?
1. I think that I need to look at the paragraphs and possibly move them in a different order, maybe have the opening paragraph about Hanau in general.
2. My conclusion is two separate paragraphs, I need to try to combine those and possible leave out repetitive information.
· Where can I add more content? List two ideas. Describe what you might add.
1. By combining the last two paragraphs and making a stronger conclusion, this will make the paper have closure. Explaining that Brats normally stick together.
2.
I need to add more details about the friendships that were created, and how those friends become lifelong friends, and how those bonds can never be broken.
· List 3 to 5 instructions for improvement provided by your instructor on your week 1 practice essay
That would also helpful as you revise your week 3 draft.
1. I need to add more detail about the school I attended, add more information about the friends I made
2. I need to add more dialogs into my paper between myself and other, which will help get a better feel about how it actually is to be a brat, and by moving around.
3.
The concluding paragraph should relate in some way back to the thesis statement.
4. The thesis was not fully developed through relevant examples and evidence.
5. I needed to add additional elements regarding the narrative writing style, such as dialogue. I have since added dialogue to improve that.
· List 1 to 3 specific suggestions for improvement provided by your peers from your week 3 draft that you wish to address.
1. Including more dialogue. I have incorporated that into my updated rough draft.
2. Incorporating additional descriptive words of the differences between Puerto Rico and Idaho.
3.
