second draft

correct based  on the teacher comments please make sure

2and draft

The decisions that one makes have a significant impact to and from those who surround him/her, and therefore one should lay a good foundation before he/she gets married with the people around him/her such as the parents. This demands a lot of experience learnt through either observation or research and it is therefore important that one gets to live with his parents to ensure hands on experience of the various responsibilities that exist in both parties in the institution of marriage. Consequently, observation enhances quick grasping of information and life experience and therefore, one should spend time with the parents before marriage to allow a room for interaction with the parents who are mandated with the responsibility of offering advice to the children because living with the parents engages the young adults, thus denying them free time to involve themselves in weird activities like going to nightclubs. Experience gain is also a reason why one needs to stay with their parents before marriage because staying with them offers a natural experience acquired through the socialization process. For instance, a lady will spend time with the mother in the kitchen and therefore can learn how to cook. On the other hand, living with one’s parents minimizes suffering from day to day hustles and bustles which might make one loose morale in life or engage in undesirable behaviour by the society like stealing and drug abuse. It is therefore more beneficial to stay with the parents before marriage than staying away from them because this shapes the whole future of a person. Comment by desktop: P – replace these with a single preposition Comment by desktop: Ok, this seems like the “end” of your topic sentence, but it reads more like an introduction. For our 202 assignments, try to make this “intro” briefer. Comment by desktop: Punctuation? Comment by desktop: This is long & “stringy.” Divide this into 2 or 3 sentences Comment by desktop: Ok, but you don’t SPECIFICALLY say how – you need to. Comment by desktop: PRO – be consistent with previous choice Comment by desktop: Ok, but how, exactly, is this “socialization? I think you need to clarify this idea. Comment by desktop: T – this introduces a contrast. You want to “add” another benefit, I think. Comment by desktop: This is quite vague and makes a huge leap of assumption. You need to clarify and quantify what you want to say here (i.e. specifically, HOW can they “minimize suffering?”) Comment by desktop: WC/SP Comment by desktop: P Comment by desktop: Ok, this is a good attempt at a “final thought” Comment by desktop: Khalid,
You write well and the ideas flow together nicely (but see my comments about sentence structure). The “problem” with this draft is that you haven’t managed to really support the general statements with clear, relevant examples. As such, the support appears superficial. You can definitely improve this aspect if you revise.
GRADE: 1.9/2.5 as is, nut can improve if you revise & resubmit by the deadline.