Correspondence Revisions

Business Communications Autumn, 2013

Correspondence Revisions

Passport Music Designs, Inc.

Professor Ruth E. Levy

You have just been promoted to the position of Customer Service Manager of Passport Music Designs, Inc., a manufacturer of computer music supplies in Akron, Ohio. Your predecessor just lost this position because of poor communication skills. Revise the following letters and memoranda (which were drafted by the previous manager) and provide appropriate dates, inside addresses, and salutations where necessary. Be sure to follow the guidelines of the 5 C’s of effective communication. You may refer to our class lecture, your text, or to the optional reference manuals cited on the syllabus. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, and correct document formats will count significantly in this assignment as well as on your Midterm exam. Correct document formatting is part of this assignment. You are to submit 7 complete and distinct documents. Each document must be dated correctly.

Remember, you must produce 7 separate and correctly formatted documents. Also bear in mind that all 7 of these exercises are examples of BAD WRITING. You will have to revise each of them extensively. In fact, if you are not making considerable revisions, you are not applying the textbook principles properly. Please save all 7 documents in a file called Passport. Use hard page breaks (control + enter) after each document so that you have one document, Passport, containing 7 pages.  Remember to use the format guides (changing spacing to single and 0,0) described on the home page under How to Set Margins for Letters.

If you are working on this assignment with proper attention to detail and text concepts, it should take a minimum of two hours and as much as three or four hours to complete these seven documents. Do not make the mistake of copying this document into Word and then applying brief revisions. There are serious problems with these documents, and it will take a great deal of analysis to produce effective correspondence. Each document must be formatted correctly according to the textbook references and my reference material on the home page. You must also provide correct paragraphing within the documents.

Remember: you must send one seven-page document as a Word attachment in Blackboard Learn by the stated deadline. If you submit the draft by the stated deadline, you will have the opportunity to improve your grade by revising your work and resubmitting a final version. If you do not submit the draft on time, then your only grade will be the final version.

I have provided the solutions for the first document under “Solutions.” Try Problem #1 and then check to see if you are on the right track.

Problem 1

The first letter is to be sent to Mr. Bernard Olsen, 155 Main Street, Elmsford, NY 10523 Dear Sir (or do you need a more personal salutation?):

Since we do not have the necessary financial information about you, we can not ship your order at this time.

We have enclosed the appropriate forms. All questions must be answered immediately. When satisfactory data concerning your credit reputation are established, copies of Building A Computer Music Library will go forward.

A reprint from our monograph, Music Today is enclosed for your interest.

(Be sure to add correct complimentary closing lines; the tone also needs to be improved.  Check the posted solution if you are having trouble.)

Problem 2

Letter to: Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence Mauro, 293 Evandale Road, Akron, OH 44302 Dear Sir (find the correct salutation):

We received your letter requesting information about our new spring music program for elementary school students. It would appear that your son Jeremy is indeed eligible.

In order for you to learn more about our program, you are invited to attend our Open House on October 25. At that time our music teachers will be available to answer your questions. We are pretty sure that from our wide selection of instruments one is likely to find the one that is highly suitable to their circumstances. Herewith, please do us the honor of attending by completing the attached form and returning it to us post haste. We are serving refreshments and want to make sure we have enough. All efforts will be expended to make sure you and your son enjoy the open house.

(Avoid excessive use of the passive voice as well as the trite and outdated expressions in this letter.  Also, try to be as helpful as possible to the customer. Be as specific as possible about the date—include the day of the week. You need a very specific response date as well.) 

Problem 3

(The language in the following letter is too stiff and unfriendly.  Be very specific about the features of Version 6 and try to persuade the customer that these improvements more than justify the modest $50 increase in price.  Offer to return the check to her or ask her to contact you in case she wants to order the new version for an additional $50. Be sure to use the correct personal title in the inside address. Watch the personal title in the inside address. Be sure it conforms to the one in the salutation, which, by the way, is incorrect.)  

Letter to Sharon Bartlett, 24 Plainview Road, Eastchester, NY 10709 Dear Miss. Bartlett (be sure to correct the salutation).

Regrettably, our entire stock of Intertrack sequencing software–Version 5.0 is completely exhausted, therefore your order can not be filled at this time.

We are herewith returning your check for $575. If you wish to place another order, please add $50, for this new shipment of Version 6.0 will be more expensive, it has faster speed and alot of new memory.

Problem 4

The following message is much too wordy. See if you can trim the body to under 50 words. Hint: start with “May I please. . . “  Also, be sure to format the a.m. correctly!! There is no personal title in memorandum headings.

TO: Mrs. Andrea King

FROM: YOU

DATE:

SUBJECT:

FOURTH FLOOR CONFERENCE ROOM

It is hereby requested that the undersigned be permitted the exclusive use of the Fourth Floor Conference Room on the date of October 21 for the purpose of conducting a meeting with the personal in the programming department.

Occupancy of this room is desired between the hours of of 9 and 10:30a.m. If the subject room is otherwise occupied, notification is desired in order that other arrangements may be made.

Problem 5

The language in the following letter is too stiff and formal; remember that every letter is potentially a sales letter; try to be as helpful as possible in the future.  

This letter is being sent to Professor Charles W. Hughes, Music Department, Oberlin College, College Way, Oberlin, OH 46781

Dear Professor Hughes

I am in receipt of your letter in which you request 30 copies of Passport’s “Transpose It” software for use in your elementary music theory classes at Oberlin College.

Arrangements have been made to send one copy and site license of the above-mentioned software to you on today’s date. We consider it a great honor and tribute to our company that it’s software should be selected for the purpose described in your communication. 

Problem 6

Try to rewrite and clarify the following memorandum; it contains stilted language that needs to be made more natural. Also, remember there should be three paragraphs.  The memo has far too much extraneous information and passive voice.  Be sure to create bullets with parallel structure. Watch the grammatical errors—especially the mismatched relative pronouns.

TO: Joyce Chapman, Director of Education

FROM: M. E. Ross, President

DATE:
SUBJECT:

The Board of Directors has approved a new policy, enclosed herewith, with reference to tuition refunds to those teachers who take advanced courses in music theory, composition, and conducting. Passport Music is committed to supporting every teacher who wishes to improve their technique. It is highly recommended that you distribute an individual copy of these guidelines to each teacher under your direct supervision. The following requirements must be met if you wish to receive a refund:

The course must be approved in advance by Joel Rossen

Grade of B or higher

Application received by August 1 for fall courses and January 15 for spring courses

You can of course contact me if you need further information.  

Problem 7

The ending of this letter is completely incorrect, since it contains archaic language.  Try to improve it.  Also, watch the misplaced modifier in the first sentence.

Ms. Diana Barnes 307 West 36th Street New York, NY 10041

Dear Ms. Barnes:

Having reviewed more then 50 applications for our field representative position, you are our top choice for this exciting opportunity to join our excellent sales force.

We are ready to invite you to our home office here in Akron to open discussions about this position however we must first verify that you have completed the course in computer/digital music software applications that you began at SUNY Purchase last September.

Unless you provide a current transcript, we can not procede further.

Thanking you in advance, I remain Sincerely yours,