for smartwriter only

This is the feedback which prof. gave to me, results was not that good, but im not blame, just want you read it and make better next time.

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Sijun Chai

English-122

Prof, Hong

02/11/2013

Essay #1: Critical Review Essay

Just Walk on by is authored by Brent Staples as an essay which is driven by resentment and emotions. He writes down regarding his experiences of being continually mistaken for an outlaw simply because he is a young black male. The authoring of the essay is driven by anger. However, he manages to maintain his cool in the entire essay. He does not point fingers to any particular person for his woes. He seems to understand why women around him acted in the queer way they did. He had perceived the notion regarding women’s view of young men as depicted by general overrepresentation, perception and stereotype that young black males are the perpetrators of street violence. He had perceived this while growing up. Most of those he had known ended up in correctional facilities. GOOD INTROUCTION OF THE ESSAY AND WHAT IT’S ABOUT, BUT YOU NEED TO INCLUDE A THESIS STATEMENT AT THE END OF YOUR INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPH.

The word of choice by the author at the beginning of the essay was intentionally misleading. He states that his first victim was a woman. This strong use of diction places emphasis on the inherent tension between black and white races. The use of the word “victim” indicates the perception of the white people towards black MEN. They perceive themselves as the victim. As the essay continues, the reader realizes

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that they had the same misplaced mistake as many other people in real life make regarding young black men. OKAY, BUT HOW DOES THE READER REALIZE THIS? EXPLAIN AND DEVELOP YOUR IDEA BEFORE MOVING ON The author is able to precisely develop alliteration NOT SURE WHY THIS MEANS IN CONTEXT OF YOUR SENTENCE to emphasize the negative effect of predilection against his black race. He explains that all people thought that a mugger would not be a warbling sunny bright selection. “They seem to have their faces on neutral, and with their purse straps strung across their chests bandolier-style, they forge ahead as though bracing themselves against being tackled” (354). YOUR QUOTATION DOESN’T MATCH THE IDEA ABOUT WARBLING BRIGHT SELECTIONS. The alliteration of two words regarding perception, “seems to sense” directly links to the “Negro problem” as a predicament of intuition, as whites will inherently protect themselves against young black men. Considering that all people naturally see young black men as muggers, he stresses his “sunny selection”, necessary to counterbalance the normal impulse to categorize young black men as thieves.

Staples are able to employ ethos in his essay. He states that he was embarrassed and dismayed all at once. This is meant to make his audience be sympathetic to his predicament. By ensuring that he makes his audience feel sympathetic for him, he makes them to place themselves in his shoes and see his side of the issue. This is a clear demonstration of pathos as the audience is made to have emotion of sympathy. WHICH IDEA ARE YOU DEVELOPING – ETHOS OR PATHOS? NEED A CLEARER TOPIC SENTENCE He makes the audience see him as the victim of circumstance throughout the essay by saying that the truths are no solace against the kind of alienation he experienced of ever being perceived as the suspect. The word “alienation” makes Staple seem to be alone and against everybody else. When he speaks of his rough childhood including

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the traumatic experience of losing the brother to group violence, he is further trying to draw his audience into having a sympathetic felling for him and all such poor youth. Although he was not a mugger, it would be difficult to distinguish him from the real muggers who would seep into the location from the surrounding ghetto.

Staple manages to employ the use of rhetorical devices which facilitate the putting of his point across. He has used onomatopoeia. This is the use of words whose pronunciation imitates the sound described by the words. He uses this to illustrate a young black man who would cross in front of a vehicle stopped at a traffic light eliciting the sound “thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk of the driver” – female, male, white or black – hammering down on their car door locks. The cacophony and onomatopoeia of ‘thunk” creates a harsh tone in the environment the author had to endure with. GOOD In order to explain his innocence regardless of the perception of those around him, he states that he was a softy who could scarcely hold a knife to an uncooked chicken leave alone have the audacity to hold a person’s throat. At this point, he uses analogy (the comparison of two things). He repeats “thunk’ four times to illustrate the widespread prejudice against young black men even in his own race; for male, female, white and black. The profiling is so intense to an extent that anybody inside a car will not hesitate to hammer down their car locks.

The author captures the attention of his audience by using a simile in the last sentence, probably making it the best use of rhetorical device in my opinion. This is

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with regard to the author’s whistling classical music. This he indicates is the “equivalent of the cowbell that hikers wear when they know they are in bear country” (356). The cowbell inherently is meant to warn bears to keep off, just as Staples’ whistling any concerned stranger that he is indeed harmless.

SIJUN, YOU MAKE SOME GOOD POINTS IN THIS ESSAY, BUT AS I STATE IN MY EMBEDDED COMMENTS, YOU LACK A THESIS STATEMENT AND AS A RESULT, YOUR BODY PARAGRAPHS ALSO LACK CLEAR TOPIC SENTENCES. THE ESSAY ALSO SUFFERS FROM SOME GRAMMATICAL ISSUES AS WELL. I ENCOURAGE YOU TO FOCUS ON THESIS STATEMENTS FOR ESSAY 2.

GRADE: C-

References

Staples, Brent. Just Walk On By: The Blair Reader, page354-357