easy

1. Complete the Talk (and Write) It Out exercise on page 201. Click here to download the

exercise workbook page.

2. Using MS Word or WordPad, answer the following question: How might things have turned

out differently for Maya Angelo if, for instance, she had no direction in her life, no support

system, or offered no support?

(2 pages double space size 12 Arial)

C
re

a
ti

n
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chapter

Life Direction

Support System

Self-Support

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“People begin to become
successful the minute

they decide to be.”
— Harvey Mackay

(syndicated columnist and author of five business bestsellers)

What does this
quote suggest

about the nature
of success

What would it
take to make that
kind of decision,
and then really

stand behind it?

How can simply
deciding to be

successful actu-
ally start to make
us successful?

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Success means different things to different people. It can involve having a certain amount of
money or material comfort, the love of family and friends, good health, a fulfilling career, knowl-
edge, social status, adventure, wisdom, or any combination of these or other things. While
pictures of success vary greatly, we all tend to experience it in much the same way, as a deep
sense of satisfaction at having accomplished something we set out to do. It leaves us feeling
good about ourselves and like we are capable of further fulfilling our potential. Success, how-
ever, is not a solid, fixed destination; we may reach a place we had aimed for but then find that
challenges arise, or that we simply want to go further. Life is not static, it keeps moving, which
makes success a process we’re engaged in throughout our lives

Depending upon our life circumstances up until this point, it may seem as though we’ve had
few real choices. We may feel we’ve done the best we can with what we’ve been given, but are
ultimately just being carried along by a stream of circumstance. We may see success as avail-
able to others, but unattainable for us. The truth is, however, that each of us is already starring
in our own success story. That story is what has brought us to where we are today—working
this very moment to improve ourselves and our lives. Our success story may not be readily
apparent, but when we take stock of everything it took to get us to the point we’re at right now,
wherever that may be, it’s clear that we already have many of the ingredients we need to succeed.

Unless we’ve led a fairy tale life, every one of us has survived hardship, disappointment, disil-
lusionment and heartache. Every one of us has faced significant obstacles and challenges that
we eventually overcame through the force of our will. Our will is the most powerful of all hu-
man tools, and one whose only master is us. We’ve already put that will to work in improving
the way we see ourselves (our self-picture), the way we look at the world (our outlook), the way
we communicate with ourselves (our self-talk), and the way we communicate with others (our
self-expression). Already well on the road toward success, we’re now in a position to do what’s
necessary to create the kind of life we can feel truly good about.

Though we’ve all shown the drive and will to keep on trying, we may not have had a conscious
life direction, goals, or plan on how to achieve them. In the next section, Life Direction, we’ll fig-
ure out what success means to each of us, and lay the groundwork for achieving that success

In Support System, we’ll spend some time thinking about how other people can play a part in
our success, and in Self-Support, we’ll determine what we need to do to reduce stress, manage
our emotions and stay motivated.

Creating Success

Self-SupportSupport System

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In the Become Aware section, we will identify those things
that contribute to success, and begin to get a sense of how
well we are supporting success in our own lives.

Become Aware Make Choices Support

You

r Choices

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Maya Angelou was born Marguerite Ann Johnson
on April 4th, 1928, in St. Louis, Missouri to working
class parents. When she was three, her parents’
marriage broke up, so young Maya and her older
brother were sent to live in Stamps, Arkansas with
their grandmother. Although life in Stamps brought
Maya face to face with prejudice and racial dis-
crimination, her grandmother would instill in the
young girl a sense of cultural heritage and personal
strength. Four years later, Maya’s father showed up
out of the blue, and sent her and her brother back
to St. Louis to live with their mother.

At age eight, Maya suffered abuse at the hands of
her mother’s boyfriend. After telling her family, the
man was brought to court and found guilty, but sen-
tenced to only one night in jail. Four days after his
release, he was beaten to death. The young Maya
assumed that her words had killed him, and she
became mute for nearly five years.

Not long after this tragic event, Maya and her broth-
er moved back to Stamps, where Maya would meet
Bertha Flowers. Ms. Flowers was a family friend
and teacher who would expose Maya to a wealth of
literature, nurture her creativity, and eventually help
her to find her voice again. At age thirteen, she and
her brother rejoined their mother in San Francisco.
Maya went to high school, worked hard, and got a
scholarship to study dance and drama at the Cali-
fornia Labor School, a progressive institution whose
ideas would shape much of Angelou’s later activ-
ism. Maya dropped out of high school for a time to
become San Francisco’s first female, African-Amer-
ican streetcar conductor. She eventually returned to
school, and though she became pregnant her senior
year, still graduated with her class.

At the age of seventeen, Maya was a single mother
on her own, moving around the country trying to
support herself and her son. Without job training
or advanced education, she worked variously as
a cook, waitress, and even as a prostitute, all the
while learning by trial and error and nurturing the
desire to perform. She married in 19

2, and as she

earned more success as a nightclub singer and
dancer, changed her professional name to Maya
Angelou. The marriage ended, and Angelou—
touring Europe as a singer, studying dance with
leading figures of the day, and recording her first
album—struggled to find a balance between being
a successful performer and a good mother.

In the late 1950s, Angelou moved to Harlem, New
York, and had success as an actress, often writing
and performing her own work. Wanting to hone her
skills as a writer, she became involved in the Harlem
Writers Guild; at the same time she began working
in the Civil Rights Movement. The early 60s saw her
married and then single again, living in Cairo and
Ghana, working as a newspaper editor, playwright
and arts instructor, studying hard and mastering nu-
merous foreign languages. In 1964, she moved back
to New York to fight for civil rights alongside Mal-
colm X and, after his assassination, worked closely
with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Overcome with emo-
tion over his assassination (on her birthday), and
encouraged by friend and author James Baldwin,
Angelou poured her grief out onto the page. The
results would become the internationally acclaimed
autobiography, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
(1970), and bring Angelou to national prominence.

Dr. Maya Angelou currently has over 30 published
titles to her name, spanning a range of autobiog-
raphies, essays, children’s books, and poetry. Her
screenplay, Georgia, Georgia, for which she also
composed the soundtrack, became the first movie
written by an African-American woman ever to be
filmed, and was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.
She holds over 30 honorary degrees, is a sought-
after lecturer, and, in addition to being a three-time
Grammy award winner, has continued acting in film
and TV. Dr. Angelou is a recipient of the Presidential
Medal of Arts and the Lincoln Medal, has served
in national cultural positions under Presidents Ford
and Carter, and famously read her poem, “On the
Pulse of Morning,” at President Clinton’s inaugura-
tion. She continues to inspire people around the
world with her story, words, and wisdom.

Check it Out

The Story of Maya Angelou
(world-renowned author, singer, actor, and the first African-American

woman to have her screenplay turned into a film)

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Talk (and Write) It Out
Life Direction: While Ms. Angelou followed many passions and explored a variety of career
paths, there were certain visions and goals she was committed to (e.g. caring for her son) that
influenced the choices she made for herself and determined the direction of her life. Which of
those stand out for you?

Support System: Who helped to support Ms. Angelou’s success along the way? What other
outside resources did she make use of?

Many of us believe that the challenges we face will keep us from ever
succeeding in life. Ms. Angelou is only one of countless examples
proving that it is our attitude and our choices—not our challenges—that determine our ability to
succeed. As Colin Powell, former four-star general and the first African-American Secretary of
State has said: “There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and
learning from failure.”

Final Thought

LIFE

Self-Support: What are some of the ways you think Ms. Angelous supported her own
success (took care of and motivated herself)?

Now imagine for a moment that one of these elements were missing from her life. How might things have turned
out differently for her if, for instance, she had no direction in her life, no support system, or offered herself no support?

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Exercise: Where I Am Now
Like Ms. Angelou, everyone of you has faced challenges, obstacles, and setbacks—some quite significant. In
spite of them, you have made it to where you are now, sitting in this class with a focus on building a better life for
yourself. Without a close examination of your life, it can be hard to know just what it was that helped you to push
through and keep going. The goal of this exercise is to give you a better sense of what has helped to support you thus
far, and what you could further develop to better support your success in all aspects of your life going forward.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Your Life Direction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Your Support Systems

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Your Self-Support

Part 1: The Rating
If you were to consider your life direction—any vision or goals you have for your life—how clear is it for you on a
scale of 1-10?

Part 2: Take it Up
If you gave an area a rating of eight or above, then that is likely an area that is supporting your success. A rating
below eight suggests that the area that could benefit from improvement. Write below any that fall into that
category, and anything you can think of that might help to improve the rating (e.g. making new friends might
strengthen your support system, while setting goals might help to clarify your life direction).

Now think about the support system you have in your life right now. It may be comprised of family members,
friends, teachers, sports coaches, or anyone who supports your success in some way. On a scale of 1-10, how
supported do you feel right now by the people in your life?

Finally, think about the support you currently give yourself—any ways in which you look out for and take care of
yourself—and give that self-support a rating between 1-10.

Below 8 How to Improve

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make choices

In the Make Choices section, we take an in-depth look at

the three key strategies for creating success: having a life

direction, a strong support system, and self-support.

Become Aware Make Choices Support
Your Choices

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Who’s Making the Choice?
Whether we’re facing major life decisions or everyday ones, it can be difficult to know which of our inner voices
is advising us on what to do. One way to help determine who’s ‘speaking,’ is by giving our decision a Success
Check with the question: “How well does this choice support my success? Does it contribute to my life direction,
support system, and/or self-support?” Generally speaking, coach-influenced choices come as a result of taking
all possible benefits and consequences into account.

Let’s say, for example, that we just got an invitation to a party being held the night before a big test in our least
favorite class. We really feel like we need some social time, but we also know that if we don’t study, we’ll fail an
important test. The critic’s message might be that if we stay home we’ll be missing out, and that studying won’t
help us anyway, so we should just go and have a good time. Our coach, on the other hand, encourages us to
consider our goals and needs, to prioritize what’s really important, and then (s)he helps us to strike a balance.
(S)he knows that a good grade is important to our career success, but also that the stress-reducing benefits of
being social are important to our quality of life; the final decision may then be to spend one hour studying, one
hour at the party, and to get to bed early.

Success as Viewed by the Critic/Coach

The Critic

The Coach

The critic doesn’t believe in success. To the critic it is a pipe dream, an impossibility,
and everything (s)he says to us about success will reflect that mistaken belief. The critic
sees no value in having a life direction because (s)he doesn’t think we have any control
over our lives; why bother having dreams or making plans if they will never be realized?
The critic also ignores the need for a support system, believing that no one else can or
will help us anyway. (S)he sees no point in self-support since stress and overwhelming
emotions are the norm for him/her, and motivation is certainly not necessary without
faith in the potential for success. The critic encourages us to make choices (or not make
choices) out of deeply-held doubts and fears—fear that we’re not good enough, smart
enough or capable, fear of failure and of success, fear of trying new things and taking a
chance by saying yes or saying no.

The good news is that the critic has a formidable and well-equipped opponent in the
coach.

Our coach believes wholeheartedly in success and in our ability to achieve it. (S)he
knows the value of defining success for ourselves, and actualizing it with a life direction.
(S)he recognizes the necessity of having a support system in place, with outside assis-
tance and ongoing support in the form of friends, allies, and resources—both those we
have now, and the many we will develop along the way. Finally, (s)he understands how
crucial it is to our success to give ourselves the greatest degree of self-support, with im-
mediately accessible tools for reducing stress, managing our emotions, and keeping us
motivated even when things get rough. Knowing that every choice we make can either
promote or hinder our success, our coach encourages us to make choices based on the
empowering core belief that we have everything we need to create the life we want for
ourselves.

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“Efforts and courage are not enough with-
out

purpose and direction.”

What does it mean to have a life direction? It means knowing where we want to go and using
all available means to get there. We establish this direction by creating a vision of what we want
for our future (based on things we most value), setting goals to help us bring that vision to life,
and creating a plan of action to enable us to reach our goals. As was illustrated in Maya Ange-
lou’s story, we are not at the mercy of fate; our decisions have a great deal to do with how our
life turns out. Though Ms. Angelou faced many seemingly insurmountable obstacles, and made
some potentially detrimental life-choices early on, she consistently challenged herself to rise
above her circumstances and took the necessary steps to get back on track. In order to be ‘on
track,’ however, Ms. Angelou had to know where she was going—she had to have a life direction.

Ultimately, having a life direction means being clear about what we really want and committing
to doing whatever’s necessary to manifest that. On the most basic level, this is something we
do every day: if we want to feed ourselves, we commit to making enough money to buy food; if
we want to keep our job, we commit to showing up every day and doing our work. In the same
way, if we want to create a better life for ourselves, we need to identify exactly what ‘a better life’
means, and then commit to doing whatever is necessary to make that happen. By doing this, we
are actually sending out a powerful message to the world that we are ready for positive change.
Just by determining a life direction, even before making any significant life changes or taking any
big steps, we may notice that we are drawing people and opportunities into our lives that support
our new vision for ourselves.

Remember that success is a process, and we, the creators of our success, are works-in-prog-
ress. We are learning and growing on the way toward achieving our goals; we don’t need to feel
100% sure of ourselves every step of the way, nor do we need to fret about taking a step off
track here or there. As Ms. Angelou’s life demonstrates, if we are unhappy with the direction our
life is going in right now or at any point in the future, we always have the option of redirecting it
by consistently making choices that support our values and further advance us toward our goals.
As long as we have a plan in place, we’ll know that we have the support needed to get us back
on track and moving in the right direction.

What Works: Life Direction1.
LIFE

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“There is more to us than we know. If we can be made to see it,
perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle for
less.”

Check it Out

Zainab Salbi grew up in the oppressive and
often violent Iraq of Saddam Hussein. Al-
though she escaped to the U.S. at the age
of 19, growing up under these conditions
made her sympathetic towards the plight
of women in all war-torn countries. Though
she didn’t know just how to go about it,
Salbi wanted badly to help heal both the
countries ravaged by war, and the women
living in these countries, suffering injustice.
She envisioned a world in which women
could connect across social, cultural and
political boundaries to support, strengthen,
and empower one another, turning former
victims into active citizens. In 1993, Salbi
turned this vision into Women for Women
International. As written in the Washington
Post, she believed that, “by strengthen-
ing women, her organization [could] help
rebuild communities and nations.” Women
for Women International now operates in
eight countries, and has empowered over
153,000 women to take back their lives
and become self-sufficient through interna-
tional “sister-to-sister” sponsorship, local
job training, small business loans, politi-
cal rights awareness, and more. Included
among the many honors and awards that
Zainab Salbi and Women for Women Inter-
national have received for their work is a
2006 Conrad N. Hilton Humanitarian Prize,
the world’s largest humanitarian award.

In order to achieve success, we need to know
what it means to us, or what it looks like. By
harnessing the power of our imaginations, we
can create a detailed picture in our minds of
a successful life. While that picture may seem
like just a dream, it is really much more; it’s
our life’s vision.

We often use the terms ‘vision’ and ‘dream’
interchangeably. A dream, however, tends to
lack clear boundaries or definition, which can
make it feel more like a fantasy than anything
really possible. A vision, on the other hand, is
something we can optimistically (but realisti-
cally) see as a possibility. It can be as big
and glorious as a dream, but it comes with a
framework and foundation. We might think of
this vision as a focused fantasy of our future,
painted with clear, distinct lines; it’s defined
enough that we can place it in a frame, hang
it in a permanently visible place in our minds,
and look at it whenever we want to remind
ourselves of what’s possible.

Having a vision may seem like a luxury,
but it is actually a necessity if we want to
create a successful life for ourselves. As
Zainab Salbi’s story illustrates, a vision can
act as a powerful, driving force in our lives,
giving us the strength and inspiration to make
even the seemingly impossible a reality. With
a clear vision, we live our lives with a greater
sense of purpose, inspiring those around us
to better their lives as well.

A. Vision

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Exercise: My Vision

Reading over what you’ve written, is there anything else you want to change or add? Perhaps there is a
talent that you’ve been neglecting, a hobby you’d like to devote more time to, things you’ve always been
interested in but have never explored, or some kind of civic contribution you’d like to make.

Part 1: Picture It

In this exercise, you’re going to write out what you ideally want your life to look and feel like three years from
now in terms of family, friends, health, finances, career, education, creativity, adventure, and hobbies. While
this is an ideal picture, try to keep it realistic (e.g. not imagining yourself as a rock star if you’ve never sung).
NOTE: You may first want to take a few minutes to close your eyes and get a mental picture. Then, let yourself
free-write—that is, allow the ideas to flow without editing or pausing. Be descriptive and specific, writing in the
present tense, as though this vision were already a reality (e.g. “I have…”, “I feel…”, or “I am…”).

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Part 2: Highlight

Reading over Part 1: Picture It a second time, circle any of the things you wrote that really stand out for you as
key points (e.g. “I have a great job,” “I am healthy,” “I feel good about myself,” etc.) and write them below.

Part 3: Identify Your Values

Now you’re going to put your Highlights into one of the Value Categories below (feel free to add other categories
if needed). For instance, if you ‘highlighted,’ “I live in a beautiful house,” that suggests you value your physical
environment, so you would place a check mark next to that value. If you listed, “Spending time with my chil-
dren,” then you would put a check mark next to the value Family Life. Once you’ve tallied up all your Highlights,
circle the three with the most check marks. This gives you a sense of what you most value right now, and will
help you set your goals for the future.

• ____________________________

• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________

VALUE CATEGORIES

Family Life

Kids Activities

Home Life

Social Life

Career

Professional Development

Physical Health
(eating well, fitness)

Psychological/
Emotional

Health

Hobbies

Personal Growth

Education

Civic/Community

Volunteering/Helping Others
(volunteering or making a
contribution in any other way)

Leisure Activities
(watching TV, web surfing, video
games, reading, listening to music,
going to the movies, shopping, etc.)

Creative Pursuits
(writing, art, dance, theater, music, etc.)

Religious Activities

Physical Environment
(the way your home, work space
or neighborhood look)

Adventure

Money

Quiet Time

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Exercise: Time Management Snapshot
This exercise will help give you a sense of how you’re spending your time, with the goal of identifying the activi-
ties and commitments that are and are not supporting your values and the success you envision for yourself.

Part 1: Where Does the Time Go?

Below you’ll find a list of some common activities and commitments (most of which line up with the Value Cat-
egories from the previous page). Make a check next to those that apply to you—that is, anything that you spend
time on. NOTE: There may be some categories that overlap for you. If that’s the case, make a check mark next
to all that apply. For instance, if the company you work for is paying for you to take a computer skills class, you
would make a check next to Career, Professional Development, and Education.

❏❏ Family Life: Anything done with family members
(e.g. having dinner, watching TV together, taking
a walk)

❏❏ Kids Activities: Any activity your children are
involved in that require your time

❏❏ Home Life: Home-based activities (e.g. cleaning,
organizing, fixing things, laundry, decorating)

❏❏ Social Life: Social activities (e.g. dinner with
a friend, a party, going to a football game with
friends)

❏❏ Career: Time you spend at a job or on job-related
commitments in your chosen field

❏❏ Other Work: Any other income-producing work
you do (freelance or odd jobs)

❏❏ Professional Development: Any career-related
skill development

❏❏ Physical Health: Anything you do to improve
your physical well-being (e.g. working out, playing
sports, dancing)

❏❏ Psychological/Emotional Health: Anything you
do to improve your psychological or emotional
well-being (e.g. therapy, support groups, self-help
reading)

❏❏ Hobbies: This can be anything from stamp collect-
ing, sewing, comic book reading, or model build-
ing, to race-car driving

❏❏ Quiet Time: Time you spend by yourself reading,
thinking, meditating, or taking a walk

❏❏ Personal Growth: Any class, reading, or other
activity you engage in for the purpose of self-
improvement

❏❏ Education: This can include in classes, work-
shops, one-time seminars, studying, and other
educational reading

❏❏ Community/Civic: Any community-related
activities, including events, fundraising, benefits,
walkathons, activism

❏❏ Volunteer: Anything you do in a volunteer
capacity, whether it’s an official position or regu-
larly helping an elderly neighbor with her grocery
shopping (this can include community-related
volunteer work)

❏❏ Leisure Activities: The things you do for fun
excluding hobbies (e.g. watching TV, web surfing,
video games, light reading, listening to music,
going to the movies, shopping)

❏❏ Creative Pursuits: Any sort of creative activity
(e.g. writing, art, dance, theater, music)

❏❏ Religious Activities: Services or other religious
activities

❏❏ Online: Email correspondence, listservs, forums,
mailing list or Google/Yahoo/other group

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Part 3: Evaluation

Circle the three areas you’re focusing the majority of your time and energy on.

Which of these areas are supporting the top values you identified in your My Vision exercise?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Which of these areas is not supporting the top values you identified? For instance, if you listed your career as
a top value. but you see that you are spending twice as much time hanging out with friends than you are on
your professional development, then your current use of time is not supporting your values.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now list, in order of importance, the areas you want to focus more of your time on. (This will help you as
you’re setting your goals later in this chapter.) ________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Part 2: The Past Week

Now, review the things you checked off on the previous list, and try to estimate how many hours you spent on
each of these things during the last week. For instance, if you spent two hours doing laundry and one hour
cleaning the house, then that would be three hours in the Home Life category. If you spent two hours at the
movies and two hours reading, that would be four hours in the Leisure Activities category. Following the example
in the bar chart below, first list the activity on the bottom of the chart, then fill in the bar up to the corresponding
number of hours you spent on it (found on the right side of chart).

E
x
a

m
p

le
:
F

a
m

ily
L

ife

10
5

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Setting Goals

Research by Dave Kohl, professor emeritus at Virginia Tech and a well-known business con-
sultant, suggests that people who write down their goals earn nine times as much over their
lifetime as people who don’t. Yet, 80 percent of U.S. residents say they don’t have goals, 16
percent have goals but don’t write them down, and only 4 percent write down their business

Track It
Once we’ve established what our big goals are, we need
to determine exactly when we want (and can realisti-
cally expect) to achieve them. For example, if our goal
is to be a well-paid, traveling nurse and we are currently
in school to become a nurse’s assistant, then we need
to factor in the time it will take to complete our current
program, get into and complete the subsequent nursing
program, study for and pass our licensure exam, and
get some experience under our belts before applying
for the desired position. Factoring all these things in, we
may decide that this is a five-year big goal. That may feel
like a long way away, so we both support and track our
progress toward achieving our big goal by giving our-
selves ‘supporting goals.’ These are smaller goals with
clear deadlines in the more immediate future. Using the
same example, we might have as a supporting goal to
complete our current nursing assistant program in one
year’s time and get top grades in all of our classes. If our
big goal were to be in top physical condition within one
year, we might have as some of our supporting goals to
quit smoking in three months, cut out red meat com-
pletely in six months, and be exercising for two hours,
three times a week by the nine-month mark.

S.T.A.R Goals
While a vision is a big picture view of the way things ideally could be, goals are Specific, Trackable (able to be
measured), Ambitious, and Realistic accomplishments that, when achieved, help make our vision a reality. The
following guidelines will help us to develop these kinds of goals.

Goals Are a Commitment that Pays
Setting goals allows us to take control of our lives by focusing our attention and our choices on specific actions
and accomplishments that lead toward a desired outcome. Instead of feeling like we are just being carried along
by a stream of circumstance, when we put goals in place, we are in the driver’s seat, striving for and directing our
will towards an end result that we know will improve our lives. It is not always easy to accomplish what we’ve set
out to do, but committing to achieving our goals is something we will never regret. Goals pay off, and not just in
the long run, but on a day-to-day basis as well. Every day that we keep our commitments—even if it’s as simple
as studying for 30 minutes, smoking one less cigarette a day, or having a tuna sandwich instead of a burger for
lunch—we remind ourselves that we are capable of accomplishing what we set our minds to, and that we really
care about improving our lives. This provides lots of motivation to keep at it!

Get Specific
Goals are the stepping-stones that lead us
to the life we want for ourselves. In order
to create these stepping-stones, we need
to know what they’re made of and where
to place them. For instance, if in our vision
for the future we are happy, we need to
determine exactly, specifically what we
would need to be happy. These specifics—
whether it’s being in top physical condi-
tion, having a fulfilling career as a medical
assistant, or having a supportive, close-
knit family—are what we’ll refer to in this
chapter as big goals. These are the ‘big’
or significant achievements we’re working
towards in our lives. The more specific we
are about our goals, the easier it is to see
what we need to do to achieve them. So
instead of saying, “I want a good job,” we
might say, “I want a well-paid, flexible job
as a medical assistant.” Instead of say-
ing, “I want a nice house,” we might say, “I
want a three-bedroom, Victorian house in a
quiet neighborhood.”

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Staying on Track

Even with S.T.A.R. goals in place, at some point we all come up against things that threaten to derail us,
whether it’s a situation, person, event, our own fears, doubts, or even an immediate desire that conflicts with
our long-term plan for ourselves. Here are some tips for staying on track:

We don’t want to beat ourselves up if we happen to lose focus. Instead, we can reassure ourselves
with the knowledge that we’re only ever a few steps away from getting back on track, and then reaf-
firm our commitment to our goals with immediate action.

When presented with a tough decision or a new opportunity, we want to keep our goals in mind.
Considering our options, we can ask ourselves, “Will this choice bring us closer or further away from
our goals?” Although it may be hard to let a good opportunity go, it may not be so ‘good’ if it doesn’t
support our vision for our lives.

We made our goals, and we have the power to change them. This is not to say that we shouldn’t
take them seriously, but it is important to remember that they are flexible. If we don’t feel like we’re
progressing, or if we’ve lost enthusiasm for our goals, it may be time to reexamine or revise them, or
simply to adjust our deadlines for reaching them. When making these changes, however, we want to
make sure it’s not the critic’s fear of hard work or aversion to change that’s influencing our decision.

Don’t go it alone. We are much more likely to follow through with our plans if someone else is hold-
ing us accountable. Find a classmate, friend, or family member to share your goals with, and set up a
regular schedule to check-in with and encourage one another.

2
1

Keep it Realistic
While it’s important to set ambitious goals for
ourselves, it’s also important to keep them
within the realm of reality. We need to have
more faith in our ability to achieve than we
may previously have thought possible, still, we
don’t want to set ourselves up for disappoint-
ment by setting goals that are out of our reach.
For instance, having a big goal of buying our
$100,000 dream house within a year might not
be realistic if we are currently making $25,000
a year. With a good plan in place and lots of
supporting goals, however, buying our dream
house in five years time might be entirely re-
alistic. A helpful Reality Check question might
be: “With consistent focus and hard work, will
I be able to achieve this goal? If so, when can
I realistically expect to achieve it?”

Be Ambitious
Setting a specific date by which we want to have ac-
complished a specific goal can be a little intimidating,
and we might be inclined to give ourselves too much
time, or to choose goals that we can easily accomplish
so that we feel safe. The idea, however, is to set goals
that push us out of our comfort zone and challenge us.
By accomplishing ambitious goals, we not only make
great strides toward self-improvement, we also send
a reinforcing message (both to ourselves and others)
that we are capable of doing what we put our minds to
and of building a better life for ourselves. To keep us
from getting discouraged, it can be helpful to enlist the
support of others to hold us accountable for reaching
our goals. For instance, we may want to ask a friend
to check in on us every month or so to see how we’re
progressing. Even if we’re frustrated, or not yet where
we want to be, their encouragement can motivate us to
keep going.

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Exercise: Setting Goals

This exercise will give you an opportunity to get specific about how you want to make your vision a reality
according to those things you’ve identified as being most important to you. First, choose one value from your
My Vision exercise that you’d like to create goals for right now, and write it next to Value on the following page.
Then, using the example below as a guide, write in your Big (One Year) Goal box the one big accomplishment
that would best express that value in your life. Next, write in the Supporting Goal boxes three things that would
help you to accomplish that big goal over the next year. While the big and supporting goals are set up here as
one year and 3, 6, & 9 month goals, they may take more or less time to fulfill; regardless, it’s important to have a
deadline attached to them so you have something concrete to work towards. NOTE: While the example below
has three distinct supporting goals, you can also arrange them to build upon one another (e.g. for Supporting (3
Month) Goal—exercise 1hr, 3x/wk, and for Supporting (6 Month) Goal—exercise 1hr, 4x/wk

Supporting (3 Month) Goal:

Quit smoking

Supporting (6 Month) Goal:

Get to a healthy weight

Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Exercise regularly 1 hr, 3x/wk

Date of Completion:

4/26/10

Date of Completion:

1/26/10

Date of Completion:

7/26/10

VALUE:

Health

Big (One Year) Goal:

To be in top physical condition Date: 10/26/10

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Exercise: Setting Goals

NOTE: Know that there may be things you really value but that are not attached to goals at this time
in your life for a variety of reasons. If at any point along your journey it becomes clear that you need to
express that value in action more fully, you can revise your goals accordingly. (This goal identification
process can be applied to any area of your life.) You will also want to create a new Setting Goals sheet
once you’ve reached your one year goals. You can find an additional Setting Goals sheet at the end of
this chapter (along with another My Resources, Actions Steps, and My Monthly Plan).

Supporting (3 Month) Goal: Supporting (6 Month) Goal: Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Date of Completion:Date of Completion: Date of Completion:

VALUE:

Date:

Big (One Year) Goal:

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C. Plan of Action

While our goals (both our big and supporting
goals) are like the stepping-stones we lay down
to help us realize our vision, our plan of action
is the course we set to help guide us from one
stepping-stone (goal) to the next. This course is
made up of action steps, those one-time things
and daily or weekly routine actions that get us
from one goal to the next. For instance, if we
have as a goal to exercise three times a week, the
action steps might include joining the local gym,
making an agreement with a friend to jog together
every Monday morning, or signing up for a salsa
dance class at the community center.

Even with well-defined goals, it is difficult to move
forward without knowing exactly what we need
to do. By having clearly laid out action steps, we
take the guesswork out of meeting our goals.
Now, planning out our time with this level of detail
can feel a bit overwhelming at first; it may even
seem as though we’re taking some of the fun
out of life, but not so. In fact, the clearer we are
about what we want and what we need to do to
get it, the less time and energy we spend feeling
stressed and anxious about our future, which ulti-
mately translates into a far better quality of life.

Have you ever been in a classroom where the
teacher was totally permissive, allowing the
students to do whatever they pleased? If so, you
may have found that, while it was fun at first, it
ends up feeling like a big waste of time. Without
structure, it’s hard to accomplish anything, and
without accomplishments we can feel aimless

and eventually even hopeless. By putting a plan in
place, we are giving ourselves the kind of struc-
ture we need to move forward, grow, and feel
good about our lives.

A plan of action also makes it easier to keep track
of our progress on a daily and weekly basis by
giving us immediate feedback about our choices,
and whether they are or are not supporting our
goals. So if we find that we are not reaching our
goals, we can look to our plan of action to deter-
mine exactly where it is that we’re having difficul-
ty. From there we may choose to reevaluate our
goals and possibly even create new ones.

Ultimately, a plan of action gives us a sense of
purpose, as every day comes with a mission to
accomplish. Even though there will be days when
we drop the ball, we’ll know exactly what we
need to do to pick it up again.

“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the
same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Louis
Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas
Jefferson and Albert Einstein.”
—H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (best-selling author of Life’s Little Instruction Book)

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Exercise:

My Resources

In this exercise, you’re going to brainstorm all the resources you have available to help you fulfill your support-
ing goals. This can include people, places, and things (either those that you have in your possession or that you
have access to).

Example 1:
Supporting Goal: Exercise regularly 1 hr, 3x/wk
Resources in Support of My Goal: Joan as a
workout buddy, local gym, community center dance
classes, motivation and exercse tips online.

Example 2:
Supporting Goal: To quit smoking

Resources in Support of My Goal: The smoking
cessation program at work, Karen who’s also
quitting, my doctor, online smoking cessation
resources/chat groups.

Resources in
Support of My Goal:

Supporting
(3 Month) Goal:

Resources in
Support of My Goal:

Supporting
(6 Month) Goal:

Resources in
Support of My Goal:

Supporting
(9 Month) Goal:

Resources in
Support of My Goal:

Big (One Year) Goal:

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Exercise: Plan of Action
First, write in the appropriate boxes the Value, Big (One Year) Goal, and three Supporting Goals you identified
in the Setting Goals exercise. Then, using your My Resources exercise, and the example below as a guide,
you’re going to create action steps for each of your goals. These are one-time actions you can take and/or
things you can do on a daily or weekly basis to help you achieve your goals. For your big goal action steps,
keep in mind that you’ll have already completed your three supporting goals; think about what extra things you
might need to do in those last three months to reach your big goal. Once you have completed an action step,
check it off and move on to the next one. You may also find that you are able to work on one or more action
steps at the same time.

VALUE: Health

Supporting
(3 Month) Goal:
Quit smoking
Supporting
(6 Month) Goal:

Exercise 1 hr, 3x/wk

Supporting
(9 Month) Goal:

Get to a healthier
weight

Big (One Year)
Goal:

To be in top physical
condition

Action Steps:

1
Join a smoking
cessation group.

Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps:

1 1 1

2
Cut down by one
cigarette a day.

2 2 2

3
Take a walk instead
of a cigarette break
at work.

3 3 3

Jog 1 mile with Joan
every Mon. morning
before work.

Take aerobics class
1x/wk at the gym.

Go salsa dancing at
the community cen-
ter Thursday nights.

Replace usual burger
at lunch with a tuna
sandwich.

Make a shopping list
of healthy alterna-
tives to my usual
snacks and desserts.

Jog 2 miles with Joan.

Cut out all fast food.

Start training for
local marathon.

Date: 10/26/10 Date: 7/26/10 Date: 4/26/10 Date: 1/26/10

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Exercise:

Plan of Action
VALUE:

Supporting
(3 Month) Goal:
Supporting
(6 Month) Goal:
Supporting
(9 Month) Goal:
Big (One Year)
Goal:

Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps:

3 3 3 3

Date: Date: Date: Date:

1 1 1 1

2 2 2 2

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Exercise: Time Management Rx
Making a plan also means that we need to make some changes—cutting back, cutting out, or adding activities
and commitments to our schedule. This can be tough; as much as we want things to get better, many of us are
reluctant, or downright afraid to make a change. With everything you just learned about your values and goals,
look back at your Time Management Snapshot and consider whether or not you still agree with your original
evaluation of your weekly activities. Then, fill in the Time Management Rx using the example below as a guide.

Cutting Down or Out
When considering what non-essentials you could cut down on, or cut out altogether, it may help to ask yourself
the following questions: How important is this to me? Is it in line with my values and goals? How would it affect
my life if I stopped doing it? There may be things that you enjoy doing but that are taking valuable time away
from more productive activities; see if you can commit to spending a bit less time on them. Try it for a week and
see how you do without them. If you don’t miss them too much, then you’ll know it wasn’t something essential
to your life right now. NOTE: Particularly if any of the commitments you’re thinking about eliminating involve
other people, consider carefully the implications of your decision.

Activities to cut down on

or cut out

Maximum amount of time per
day or per week that I want to

spend on this activity is:

Any special arrangements
needed to make that happen

Example: Facebook 10 minutes a day Set an alarm for 10 minutes

Things I want to do more of, or
add into my schedule?

Time I want to spend
on this activity

Any special arrangements
needed to make that happen

Example: Practicing the guitar 3x/wk for 30 minutes
Make agreement with my family

to have this as private time

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Exercise: My Monthly Plan
Now you’re going to use your My Resources, Plan of Action and Time Management Rx exercises to help you
create a monthly plan in support of your goals. First, choose two to three things you feel confident you can
accomplish in the coming week and write them in Week One. Be sure to include those things you want to do
every day or every week (e.g. study for 30 minutes a day). Then, follow the same method for weeks two, three
and four. Once you’ve completed your My Monthly Plan, you can plug it into your date book. When creating
your daily schedule, try to give yourself a realistic amount of time for each action step including travel and tran-
sition time. NOTE: If you find that unforeseen obstacles or extenuating circumstances keep you from getting
things done at the planned time, it’s okay to move them to the following week (do beware of excuses though!).

NOTE: At the end of this book you will find blank versions of the following exercises: Setting
Goals, My Resources, Plan of Action, and My Monthly Plan.

Week 4Week 3Week 2Week 1

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Human beings, unlike many other creatures in the
animal kingdom, need support from the minute
they’re born. As we mature, we grow from being
children completely reliant on others, to being self-
reliant adults. Independent and self-sufficient as we
may feel, however, we still need a support system to
realize our full potential and create the best possible
quality of life for ourselves. So what exactly does that
mean, and who might be included?

Our support system is one of our greatest resources,
and it’s made up of the people that promote and
encourage our growth and success. This may include
family, friends, teachers, coworkers, community
members, mentors, religious leaders, supervisors,
neighbors, and even pets or other animals in our
lives. As this range indicates, this group is often quite
diverse and growing all the time, an advantage that
means we can rely on different people for different
things, instead of depending on one person for
everything all the time.

Even with our support system in place, it may still be
difficult to acknowledge when we need a hand, and
harder still to actually ask for it. However, the benefits
can be immense. Utilizing our support system can
help us to: get advice and perspective on challenging
personal situations, give us an opportunity for healthy
venting (a compassionate ear), stay safe in poten-
tially dangerous circumstances, counter feelings of
isolation, manage difficult people in our lives, better
handle both emotional and physical challenges and
concerns, organize and prioritize when our schedule
is overwhelming us, and remind us that someone
cares about us and has our best interest at heart.

In this chapter, we’re going to identify those people
in our lives who are our best sources of support, as
well as those people who may be acting as stumbling
blocks in the way of our success. We’ll also figure
out how to expand our network by examining what
potential allies may currently be off our radar screen.

The following quiz has traveled the world and
the web. Take it and see how you do:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman Trophy

winners.

Name the last five winners of the Miss

America Pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel

or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award

winners for best actor or actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series

winners.

The point: None of us remembers the headliners
of yesterday. These are not second-rate achiev-
ers. They are the best in their fields. But the
applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are
forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried
with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do with
this one:

1. List two teachers who aided your journey
through school.

2. Name two friends who have helped you
through a difficult time.

3. Name two people who have taught you
something worthwhile.

4. Think of two people who have made you
feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of two people you enjoy spending
time with.

6. Name two people whose stories have
inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference
in our lives are not the ones with the most creden-
tials, the most money or the most awards. They
are the ones who care.

Check it Out

What Works: A Support System2.

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A. Identifying Allies and Saboteurs

Because most of us have many different kinds of
relationships in our lives, it can be difficult to say
definitively who is a part of our support system. We
may think of our support system as simply being the
people we spend the most time with, or perhaps we
think of our family alone as our support system. One
way of determining who already is, and who could
become, a part of our support system is by looking
closely at the people in our lives and asking ourselves
whether they are: 1) an ally, someone we feel sure has
our best interest at heart; 2) a saboteur, someone who
sabotages us, either actively as a ‘detractor,’ or pas-
sively as a ‘negative influence,’ or 3) an ‘uncertain,’
someone who goes back and forth between being an
ally and a saboteur depending upon the circumstance.
Let’s explore these categories in a little more depth to
better identify which people in our lives might be play-
ing which role.

Allies
Allies are people who consistently make a positive
contribution to our lives. They come in all forms, from
all different parts of our lives (work, community, family,
etc.). Whatever their generation or background, they
tend to be people with whom we share a common
set of values, particularly with regards to relationships
and how we think people should be treated. Allies
often make us feel better about ourselves, about
possibilities for the future, and about life in general,
and they directly or indirectly help support our goals.
In the game of life, we can think of our allies as the
people on our team, all of whom want to see us win.
Just as with a sports team, however, each ally may
have unique strengths and weaknesses, and we
may come to depend on different people for differ-
ent things. For example, we might call on a particular
friend for compassion and advice during times of
personal crisis, but we don’t call them when we’re
overwhelmed because their methods for managing
stress don’t work for us. We may find that an older
relative doesn’t understand or relate to our current life

goals, and so can’t help with those specifically, but
that we really value our weekly conversations with
them as a reminder of their concern and love for us.
We may be able to depend on some allies on a regular
basis, while others may not be as accessible, though
they can still be counted on when really needed.

Saboteurs
Very simply, a saboteur is someone who sabotages
us, whether intentionally or unintentionally, as we
set and go after our goals. Most of us have at least
one saboteur in our lives, though we may not realize
it because they are often people we consider allies.
There are those who intentionally try to sabotage us
(who we’ll call ‘detractors’), perhaps by mocking or
poking fun at our dreams or actively putting obstacles
in our way, and those who encourage our destructive
habits, bring us down, and just generally have a nega-
tive influence on our lives (who we’ll call ‘negative
influences’). It’s critical to our success that we identify
the saboteurs in our lives and determine how best to
diminish or eradicate their impact on our lives.

Detractors
Detractors are the most actively negative people in
our lives. They consistently make us feel badly about
ourselves, our future, or life in general. Detractors may
not relate to or understand our aspirations, so they tell
us that our goals are foolish, impossible, or a waste
of time, and often try to undermine us. For example,
if we’ve made a commitment to quit smoking and are
hanging around a detractor who smokes, they may
continually offer us cigarettes, tell us it’s not really that
bad for us, or make a big show out of “enjoying” their
cigarette in front of us. Like the critic posing as the
coach, detractors will often claim to have our best in-
terests at heart, even when they criticize us and tell us
that we’ll never succeed (e.g. “I’m telling you this for
your own good.”). They may even believe it. Regard-
less, it’s important that we see their behavior for what
it is: sabotage.

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambi-
tions. Small people always do that, but the really great
make you feel that you, too, can become great.” —Mark

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Negative Influences
Negative influences may not stand in overt opposition
to our goals, but their outlook and/or behavior none-
theless inhibits our ability to achieve them. Typically,
these types of saboteurs have a cynical or pessimis-
tic outlook; as negative attitudes can be contagious,
spending too much time with these people can be
detrimental to our success. Negative influences can
also come in the form of destructive behaviors; for
instance, if we are trying to get our degree and need
to devote much of our time to school work, socializing
primarily with people who prioritize partying over edu-
cation may make our goal of succeeding in school a
more challenging one. As negative influences tend to
lack goals or a life direction themselves, they may not
understand or relate to ours; often these people don’t
want us to change and/or simply don’t see the need
for it. Also, because we may see in them aspects of
ourselves that we want to change, negative influences
can really get under our skin. As such, it can be dif-
ficult to stay motivated or make constructive choices
around them. Negative influences are not a lost cause
however, and in the next few pages we’ll look at some
tactics we can use to get them on our side.

Uncertains
The uncertains are the people in our lives who can’t
clearly be placed in either of these categories. Often
this is someone who seems to make both positive and
negative contributions to our lives in equal measure,
or someone who, for whatever reason, we can’t quite
get a handle on. This might be a boss who never gives
us a hard time, but also never compliments our work,
or a friend who always knows what to say, but who
can never follow through because something always
seems to get in the way. As we go about building and
maintaining a healthy support system, it’s increasingly
important to determine whether the uncertains are
actually allies or saboteurs.

How Can We Tell The Difference?
When we bring to mind anyone we spend a lot of
time with, we probably get an initial gut reaction—the
thought of them might, for example, make us smile,
feel anxious, or comforted. Although this might be a
reasonably good indicator of who is an ally and who is
not, the distinction is not always an easy one to make.
Sometimes the people we rely on and think well of are
not actually looking out for our best interest, but be-
cause we feel like we need them, we choose to over-
look some of the telling signs. There are also those
people who have offered a helping hand, but because
we don’t believe we have much in common with them,
we’ve never thought of them as an ally.

In determining what role someone plays in our sup-
port system, it can help to set aside our feelings about
them for a moment and take a close look at their ac-
tions. As the saying goes, “actions speak louder than
words,” and examining someone’s actions can tell us
a lot about who they are, whether ally or a saboteur.
If we’re wondering about someone specifically, we
might try to be more observant when we’re around
them, to take notice of who is consistently generous,
helps others, and looks out for their friends, as well as
those who regularly put other people down, and just
generally don’t treat people well. No matter how cool
these people may seem in other ways, unless their
behavior changes dramatically, they are not likely to
serve as allies in our lives.

We can’t forget our own part!
In our efforts to determine whether someone is an ally
or saboteur, it’s important to be honest about our own
contribution to the relationship: are we acting as an
ally for them, or are we possibly acting as a detractor
or a negative influence in some way? By demonstrat-
ing the qualities we most value in other people, we
encourage them to do the same. Only then are we
really able to see who’s who.

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Chapter 3 / Creating Success

226Think • Build • Live Success
TM | Self-Empowerment

make choices
Copyright © 2009, Best Effect

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Chapter 3 / Creating Success

227 Think • Build • Live Success
TM | Self-Empowerment

Part 3: The Assessment

The following assessment will give you a sense of how much of a positive or negative contribution each of these
people is making to your life. First, for each person, you’re going to add up the number of + answers you gave
from Part 1 of this exercise and the number of Y (YES) answers you gave in Part 2, and write the number in the
appropriate space below. Now add together the amount of – answers from Part 1 and N (NO) answers from
Part 2 for each person, and write that number in. Finally, add up the number of +/- answers from Part 1, and
S (SOMETIMES) answers from Part 2, and fill in the appropriate space. Multiply where indicated, add up each
person’s total number of points, and then refer to the assessment below for an idea of how this person may be
affecting your life. NOTE: For any of these people, you may want to add up to five points for any positive quality
or contribution you feel is significant but was not brought out in the previous two exercises.

1-5 = Absolute Saboteur: This person is actively
attempting to keep you from succeeding.

6-10 = Saboteur: Whether or not it’s intentional, this per-
son is standing in the way of you achieving your goals.

11-15 = Mostly (or Potential) Saboteur: While this person
may occasionally offer something positive, they more
consistently make a negative contribution. Depending upon
how much influence they have in your life, they could be
standing in the way of your success.

16-20 = Saboteur/Ally: This person does make some posi-
tive contribution, but just as often has a negative influence
on your life, possibly acting as a detractor at times.

21-25 = Ally/Saboteur: This person makes both a positive
and negative contribution to your life, but you see more
potential for them to become an ally than a saboteur.

26-30 = Mostly (or Potential) Ally: Though certain things
this person does or aspects of their personality may at
times keep you from being 100% sure of their ally status,
they likely bring a lot of good into your life.

31-35 = Ally: Though this person may not always express
their support in the way you’d like, you know through their
actions that they support your goals and want to see you
succeed.

36-40 = Absolute Ally: You feel this person is absolutely
on your team, has your best interest at heart, and will come
through for you when you need them.

NOTE: Again, it’s important to ask: are we demonstrating
the qualities we’ve identified as valuing in other people?
If not, is it possible that doing so might bring out those
qualities in them?

Person 1:

How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = _______
How many – and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0____
How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = _______

TOTAL = _______Points

Person 2:

How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = ______
How many – and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0___
How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = ______

TOTAL = ______ Points

Person 3:

How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = ______
How many – and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0___
How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = ______
TOTAL = ______ Points

Person 4:

How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = ______
How many – and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0___
How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = ______
TOTAL = ______ Points

Person 5:

How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = ______
How many – and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0___
How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = ______

TOTAL = ______ Points

Scores

Chapter 3 / Creating Success

228Think • Build • Live Success
TM | Self-Empowerment

The next step in creating a solid support system is figur-
ing out how to use the information we’ve gathered thus
far. With regard to our allies, it’s important to find ways
of letting them know we appreciate the positive con-
tribution they’re making to our lives; even a brief thank
you note can really make someone feel appreciated and
encourage their further support. With all those people
we can’t confidently call allies, we need to determine
how to either get them on our team, or, in the case of
an absolute saboteur, simply lessen the negative effect
they have on our lives.

Learn to identify them. We don’t always realize
when someone is being a detractor. If it’s a close
friend, family member, or other trusted person who
is scoffing at our dreams, we may listen to what
they’re saying without ever considering the dam-
age it’s doing. The bottom line is, if you find your-
self discouraged or feeling like giving up when you
speak with them, then you can be fairly sure this
person is a saboteur. But this doesn’t mean they
can’t change!

Keep them small. Most of us have at least one
saboteur in our lives, if not more. While we may not
be able to completely avoid them, we don’t need to
listen to them, give them a big role in our lives, or
internalize what they’ve said. Remember, we decide
how much importance to place on what people say.

See if they have a valid point. Though it may feel
like pessimism, sometimes the person is just try-
ing to be realistic. Step back and objectively think
about whether they are bringing up a real obstacle
that must be overcome. If so, reassure yourself that
obstacles are rarely insurmountable.

Zap any negative thoughts. Some saboteurs
have a way of transferring their negative thoughts to
us. If we take them on, what may start out as a seed
of doubt can grow into a sky-high tree of doubt
that obscures our view of a better future. In order
to keep negativity from overpowering our potential
for positive change, we’ll want to shift our self-talk
toward the supportive.

Keep it light. Sometimes people are uncomfortable
when we make a change, and to ease their discom-
fort, they make jokes or tease us. If this is someone
we feel is really an ally, then their behavior probably
has less to do with us than something going on

with them. We’d do best in this case to realize that
it’s not personal, and either laugh with them or let it
go. Doing this often disarms the person; they may
continue to make jokes, but it won’t create tension
or have as negative an effect on us.

Get them on our side. Sometimes the detrac-
tor is someone we cannot ignore, in which case
it’s best to enlist their help rather than fight them.
We will first want to acknowledge their doubts, and
then let them know how great it would be to have
their support. Making someone feel important and
needed can often turn our worst detractor into our
greatest ally.

Educate them. Sometimes people are just misin-
formed, and it might be a misunderstanding about
our plans that causes them to react in a negative
way. We can address this by thinking through the
person’s potential arguments, doing some research
to back up our decision, and perhaps even writing
out our reasoning. This will help us to educate them
and potentially win them over. Even if we’re not able
to win their support, this approach helps to keep
their arguments from creating doubt in our minds.

Be secure in the knowledge that we are doing
something good. In the case of detractors that
we can’t win over, can’t avoid, or can’t laugh with,
what we can do is remind ourselves that our goals
have nothing to do with them. They are for our own
benefit, and achieving them will be our reward for
enduring this person.

Create space between us and them. To deal
effectively with certain detractors, we may need to
create emotional and sometimes physical distance
from them. If this person is verbally dismissive,
we might choose to not discuss our goals with
them, but to stick with other topics instead. If they
are actively trying to get us off track (e.g. pushing
cigarettes on us when we’re trying to quit), we might
choose to see them only in situations where their
actions won’t affect us (e.g. where/when they won’t
be smoking). In more extreme cases, where the
relationship seems truly damaging, we may choose
to respectfully let them know that we need support-
ive people in our lives, and that we would like to be
friends again if, at some point in the future, they feel
they can be that kind of person.

B. Tips for Dealing with Detractors (and Creating Allies)

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9

Chapter 3 / Creating Success

229 Think • Build • Live Success
TM | Self-Empowerment

Activity: Role-Play
The following activity will give you an opportunity to practice handling detractors using the previous tips.
Whether or not the scenarios below directly reflect your own life experience, practicing with them can help you
deal with any similar situations that may come up in the future. In pairs, read the scenarios below and then act
out each of the scenes according to the directions given, taking turns with each role.

Scenario 1

The (future) Student: You have just enrolled at a
school that you are very excited about (use the details
of your current school or one you hope to enroll in
sometime in the future). You see this as an important
step in building your future and you want to share
your excitement with your closest friend. You assume
they will be supportive and are surprised when they’re
not. In the conversation with your friend, your goal is
to get them to understand why this is so important
to you. Before you begin, reread the Tips for Deal-
ing with Detractors, specifically tips #3-8. It may
also help to review the Constructive Communication
Strategies from Chapter 2, page 161, which will help
you to keep the conversation respectful.

The Detractor: Ultimately you do want the best for
your friend, but you really depend on them and know
that if they’re in school, then you’re not going to have
as much of their time and energy. You hate change
and this is a big one, so you try to get them to change
their mind about going. One of your tactics is to con-
vince them that their dreams are unrealistic and they’d
be better just keeping things the way they are.

Scenario 2

The (future) Student: The situation is basically the
same, but this time your ‘friend’ is more aggressively
trying to dissuade you from going to school. You’ll
want to try to determine whether or not it’s worth try-
ing to educate them about your goals or if you’d be
better off simply diffusing their anger and lessening
their desire to stand in your way. As you engage with
this person, keep in mind the coach’s #1 rule for em-
powered self-expression: always maintain your dignity.

The Detractor: You don’t have any goals for yourself
and feel jealous of the fact that your friend does. You
also feel sure that if they go to school—and especially
if they succeed there—they will start looking down on
you, and possibly no longer want to be your friend.
You’re not about to let anyone think they’re bet-
ter than you, or drop you as a friend, so one of your
tactics is to try to convince them that they’ll never be
able to succeed in school.

NOTE: Feel free to use a scenario theme other than
school; any new path or project will work equally well.

Talk it Out
In the role of student:
• How effectively do you feel you dealt with the

detractor in each scenario? Were you able to
utilize the Tips for Dealing with Detractors?

• What did you find most challenging about
the interaction?

• What, if anything, did you discover about
yourself doing this activity? Did you notice
any aspects of your self-picture or outlook
being expressed?

• If you’ve dealt with similar kinds of situations
in the past, did it turn out as you would have
liked? If not, what (if any) of the tips could
you have used for a better outcome?

When considering the possibility that
people in our lives might be impeding
our growth, a lot of mixed emotions are
bound to come up; we may feel angry,
disappointed or even fearful. While it’s
important to acknowledge and, in some
cases, outwardly express our feelings, it’s
also critical to our success to keep them
in perspective.

Final Thought

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C. Expanding Our Network of Support

Check it Out

Allies Can Come from Anywhere
“…I learned at a very early age, to project hatred
with a passion, on everyone around me, and also
as a means of survival and staying safe from pain
and suffering. The end result of this distorted
belief system, was that for the next 30 years, I
kept myself in bondage to addictions and long-
term incarcerations…[Until] I crossed paths with
a…72-year-old retired Sheriff’s Officer, who was
employed part-time as a Correctional Officer. I
was assigned to him as a barber. Little did I know
that this little guy would become the pivotal force
in my life. He became the first person to bat-
ter me with kindness, and called me all kinds of
weird, strange, alien and bizarre names, such as:
admirable, remarkable, and trusting person…
Now, this weirdo had faith and trust in me! I
remember thinking, “What was wrong with this
dude?!” However, those simple acts of empower-
ment, and allowing me to know and trust myself
and understand that I was a valuable person, has
had a profound effect on my life.

Today…to the best of my ability, I smile and
project love toward others. Today, I’m a licensed
& registered addictions therapist/counselor. I
co-facilitate meditation retreats in prisons, and
I teach a graduate class at a local university.
All because another human being had the cour-
age to take a risk with me. I’ve had no treatment
interventions, no burning bushes, or laying on
of hands; just a simple loving individual that
mirrored (projected) every single exquisite quality
that he possessed on another human…”

—The Foundation for a Better Life, author anony-
mous (An unedited version of this story can be
found at www.values.com/stories/15-The-Only-
quot-Enabler-quot-in-My-Life)

A strong, sustainable support system is always ex-
panding and evolving. We have already taken a hard
look at many of the people in our lives, and figured out
how they may fit into our support system, but might
there be potential allies already in our lives that we’ve
overlooked? Certainly there are many we have yet to
meet.

It’s All About Who You Know
One of the best places to start our search is in our
personal contact list. Taking a few minutes to scroll
through the contacts stored in our phone and/or
email address book can help us identify people who,
for whatever reason, we may not have thought of as
potential sources of support. This might include, for
example, an ally with whom we’ve lost touch, or a
friendly acquaintance we’ve not pursued a friendship
with, perhaps because we’ve mistakenly assumed
we don’t have much in common with them. Thinking
about the places we spend time, and the activities
we’re involved in, may also offer up a number of po-
tential allies. When we open ourselves to opportunity,
life often proves that there’s plenty of it, and some-
times in the places we least expect!

Branching out
Another way to expand our support system is by
trying new things; we might take up a hobby, start a
meet-up group (www.meetup.com), join a club, take
a class, or volunteer. Volunteering gives us an oppor-
tunity to get to know our community from a unique
perspective, and is one of the very best ways of find-
ing potentially supportive people and making mean-
ingful connections.

NOTE: Although we tend to think of our support
system as being comprised solely of people, there are
non-human sources of support that are equally valu-
able, including a loving pet, or even a location (e.g. a
peaceful library, a bookstore, or a nearby park).

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Exercise: My Social Circle
A helpful way to identify both current and potential sources of support is by looking at where you spend your
time—the many places you go and activities you’re involved with. Fill in the boxes below with the names of those
people you know from these various areas of your life, and who you already consider a part of your support
system (you may want to refer to your My Resources exercise for more ideas). Then, list anyone else (includ-
ing acquaintances) from these areas that you could see becoming a part of your support system. If any of your
activities are not listed, and/or there are some that you plan to, but have not yet gotten involved with, list them
under Other Activities.

Home School

Work Kids

Community Activities/
Volunteering

Gym/Sports

Religious

Hobbies

Other Activities ( _____________________________ )

You

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What Works: Self-Support
“Up to a point a man’s life is shaped by environment, hered-

ity, and movements and changes in the world about him; then
there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the
clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Everyone

has it within his power to say, this I am today, that I shall be to-
morrow.”

Treating Ourselves as
We Want to be Treated
The golden rule tells us that we should treat
others as we want to be treated, but we often
forget the importance of treating ourselves
like we want to be treated. It’s worth looking
at the qualities we identified as valuing most
in our friends—whether they included honesty,
reliability, kindness, or patience—and ask-
ing, “Am I demonstrating those qualities in my
relationship with myself?” Are we support-
ing ourselves in the same way we want to be
supported by others? While our friends, family,
colleagues, and others make up our external
support system, only we can provide ourselves
with the internal support (what we’ll call self-
support) necessary for our success. But what
does that really entail? Self-support means
doing whatever we need to do to ensure our
physical, mental and emotional well-being.
To that end, we will spend this next section
developing tools to help us reduce our stress,
manage difficult emotions, and keep our-
selves motivated.

Why Do We Need Self-Support?
While other people can, and ideally will, pro-
vide a good deal of the support in our lives,
a true sense of empowerment comes from

knowing that we can depend, first and fore-
most, on ourselves. While utilizing our support
system is indeed one of the ways we take care
of ourselves, it’s important to do so in a con-
scious, constructive way. That means not rely-
ing on others to do things for us that we are
capable of doing for ourselves, and not asking
more of people than they are realistically able
to do. With focused effort, we can expect to
have many fulfilling accomplishments in our
lives, but we can’t be certain that someone
else will always be there to help us keep a
clear head, encourage us along the way, or
congratulate us when we’ve reached our goal.

With self-support, we make up for whatever
might be lacking in our support system and
ensure ongoing personal and professional
success by becoming our own biggest fan
and most active supporter. Depending on
ourselves is the first step in a sustainably
productive supportive cycle—we set out to
accomplish something, meet our goal, get
positive encouragement and reassurance from
ourselves and likely others, we feel more em-
powered, and then we set out to accomplish
something even more ambitious, beginning the
cycle again.

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What is Stress?
Many of us feel anxious, tired, emotional, or just
generally out of whack, but can’t identify the cause.
More often than not, the reason is stress. But what
really is stress? Stress is our bodies’ natural response
to any stimulus or situation we perceive as being
threatening or unpleasant (e.g. fear or pain). Stress
disrupts the body’s natural balance and can put us in
“fight or flight mode,” where the heart rate increases,
blood pressure rises, and muscles tense up. Although
stress is a physical reaction, it affects our emotions
and often leaves us feeling irritable, depressed, and/or
anxious. What causes stress is different for everyone;
so too is the way it manifests, and how each of us
deals with it. For example, as a result of a demand-
ing job, one person may get stress-related headaches
which they cope with by eating lots of sugar. Some-
one else in the same situation may find that they can”t
sleep and cope by watching TV all night. In addition
to the aforementioned physical and emotional symp-
toms, stress can disturb our sleep, create physical
pain, give us digestive problems, cause headaches,
increase our susceptibility to illness, make it difficult
to concentrate, cause skin problems, and/or a gen-
eral feeling of melancholy. We may not even realize
we’re stressed until we get run down, sick, or have a
surprisingly strong emotional reaction to something
seemingly insignificant (e.g. exploding angrily at the
cashier after waiting on a long line). The good news,
however, is that even the most stressed out among us
can learn how to manage this reaction and/or elimi-
nate it altogether.

Identifying Sources of Stress
In order to effectively combat stress, we first need to
know where it’s coming from. While we often think of
stress as being solely the result of external circum-
stances (e.g. time commitments, family matters, work-

related issues), it is also due to a counterproductive
or disempowering perception of these circumstances
(and the self-talk it often generates). For instance, if
we have a lot to get done on a given day and focus
solely on how little time we have, we will probably
spend time stressing out and not accomplish all we
set out to do. If, on the other hand, we have a more
optimistic outlook, assure ourselves that we’ll get it all
done and make a plan to do it, then we’re much less
likely to feel stressed and, because we’re not fight-
ing through the excess tension, are more likely to get
everything done.

As the example shows, our internal handling of a
given situation (our perception and/or self-talk) deter-
mines to a large degree how we handle it externally,
that is, what we actually do when faced with these
circumstances. Just as with our self-expression,
our handling of stress—both internally and exter-
nally—can be either reactive (emotional, impulsive) or
responsive (thoughtful, conscientious, constructive). A
reaction to a perceived stressor (e.g. numerous com-
mitments on a given day) might be to send ourselves
a negative self-message (e.g. “I can’t deal with all
this”), and then engage in destructive behaviors (e.g.
losing our temper) and feel worse about ourselves,
which then causes more stress. Conversely, a stress-
diffusing response to the same situation might be
to send ourselves a reassuring self-message (e.g.
“I always get everything done”), and give ourselves
a healthy outlet for any tension we’re experiencing
as soon as we’re able (e.g. taking a bath or a walk).
When we act responsively, we address our stress as
soon as possible and prevent tension from building
to an explosive point. The bottom line is that, while
external circumstances are often out of our control,
we have the tools to handle them in a healthy, self-
supporting way.

A. Reducing Stress
Think About It

How many of you are aware of having stress in your lives? Is it a constant state, or something that comes
as the result of certain situations? What are some of the things that trigger your stress (e.g. lack of time,
living with a difficult person or in challenging circumstances, physical health issues, finances)? How do
you know when you’re stressed—are you aware of it in your body and/or your mind (your thoughts/self-
talk)? How do you typically handle stress, and do you find that your methods are effective? How do you
think stress might be getting in the way of your success? How might your life look different if you were
able to significantly reduce your stress level?

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The information and exercises on the following pages will help us to further
expand our stress-reducing abilities.

Reducing Stress With Our Bodies, Minds, and Actions
Stress is a natural physiological response, and there’s no creature on the planet that can go a full day without
experiencing at least some degree of it. Unlike humans, animals in the wild act on their stress reactions imme-
diately, either defending themselves (“fight”) or running away (“flight”), and then returning just as quickly to their
previous, calm state. It’s not so easy for people, however, particularly for anyone who has grown up in stressful
circumstances and, as a result, has some (perhaps unconscious) degree of constant anxiety. By consistently uti-
lizing the stress management tools below, though, each one of us can learn to both manage stressful situations
better when they come up, and lower our overall stress level. Practicing regular stress relief significantly lowers
our baseline stress level so that, while immediate stressors/outside forces may agitate us at the moment, we suf-
fer no lasting effects. Stress reduction also has significant long-term health benefits, including a stronger immune
system, greater resistance to cancer, heart disease, and strokes, more energy, improved mood and memory, and
an ability to experience positive emotions (like joy) more fully.

How We Can Use Our Minds To Reduce Stress

Often, when we’re feeling overworked, overwhelmed, or just generally stressed out, we don’t take the time to
figure out what’s causing our stress, how we could handle it more effectively, and whether or not we’re seeing
things clearly. Developing this kind of inner-awareness however, allows us to keep tabs on our stress level at all
times, stave off any major stress reactions, and feel more in control of our lives.

1. Identify the sources. Though it may seem like our stress is coming from the traffic we’re stuck in, the child
that won’t stop crying, or the doctor we can never get through to, the truth is, if those were our only sources
of stress, they probably wouldn’t get to us too much. There is usually more contributing to our stress than
these kinds of immediate triggers; that traffic may stress us out because we feel like we never have enough
time and now we’re forced to waste what little we do have, the crying child may wear on our nerves because
we’re exhausted from not getting enough sleep, and the unavailable doctor may feel like just one more per-
son we can’t count on. By identifying the true sources of our stress, we equip ourselves with the information
necessary to address them. In order to discover where things may be out of balance in our lives, or where
we need to make some changes, we may want to journal about it or talk it out with a member of our support
system.

2. Decide to handle the situation constructively. Now that we know the source(s) of our stress, we can ask
ourselves, “Is there anything I can do in the immediate to improve the situation?” For instance, if somebody
is yelling at us, we can use our constructive communication strategies to calm them down and try to reach
an understanding. We may also come to the conclusion that the circumstances are, to some extent, out of
our control. In both cases, we are always in a position to decide how we’re going to handle ourselves.

3. Get perspective. As soon as we have an opportunity to get perspective on the situation, we can examine
whether there’s anything about our self-picture or outlook (any assumptions or judgments) that could be con-
tributing to our stress. If so, how might we change it? Could we allow for the possibility that we’re not seeing
things clearly, send ourselves more supportive self-messages, and look at the situation and its participants
(including ourselves) with greater compassion? The closer we look at the things that create the most stress
for us, the more useful information we have going forward.

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Chill Out!
Meditation is one of the most effective, proven ways to decrease stress, increase energy and bring the body and
mind back into balance. Instead of trying to force or push out all our mental clutter, meditation teaches us to
clear our minds by relaxing the body and focusing our attention on what we’re feeling moment to moment. It is
easy to learn, can be done anywhere, and need only take a few minutes a day for significant, lasting benefits.

Exercise: The Quick Chill
Give yourself permission to take the next few min-
utes to do absolutely nothing—no planning, wor-
rying, to-do lists, nothing. See if you can set aside
any judgments you may have about the exercise
and keep an open mind—you might be surprised!
Before we begin, find a comfortable position in your
chair, preferably with your feet on the floor. Place
your hands in your lap or rest them on your desk.
Follow the steps:

1. Close your eyes, and allow your jaw to relax
and drop. Bring your attention to your breath. As
you inhale through your nose, allow your belly to
expand fully and think to yourself, “Open.” Release
completely as you exhale through your nose, telling
yourself, “Release.”

2. As thoughts arise, simply notice them, with-
out judging or trying to change them. Continue
for a few minutes, opening and expanding as you

inhale, releasing as you exhale. If you find it difficult
to stay focused, it may be helpful to count as you
breathe—3 counts for the inhale, 5 for the exhale.

3. When you feel ready, slowly open your eyes.
Take 3 more deep breaths, remembering to exhale
fully. As you return to your normal activities, if you
notice yourself getting tense, simply bring your
awareness back to your breath, and if possible,
close your eyes for a moment.

Break it Down

Did you find you were able to relax? If not, what do
you think might have been standing in the way?
While doing this exercise, did anything come up
that surprised you? Try this exercise once a day for
the next week and see how it works. When you do
this exercise on your own, all you need is a quiet
space where you can be alone for 5 minutes—even
a bathroom stall will do!

How We Can Use Our Bodies To Reduce Stress
There are often times when stress is getting the best of us but, because we are out of touch with what’s going
on in our bodies, we are completely unaware. We tend to rely solely on our minds for information, but in fact our
bodies have an amazing amount of useful data to share with us; measuring tension in our body can give us an
accurate read on our stress-level, and even let us know exactly which muscle groups to concentrate on in order
to get relief.

We can access this information at any time by following these simple steps.

1. Stop. Wherever you might be, whatever you might be doing, you can allow yourself a moment to stop.
It may help to give yourself a gentle instruction like, “Rest.” You might want to put down any objects you’re
holding, let your arms rest at your sides or on your lap, and encourage yourself to just ‘let go’ for a moment.

2. Look and listen. You can think of this step as turning your mind’s eye inward so that you can ‘see’ what is
going on inside of you. Close your eyes (if you’re alone) and bring your focus to the top of your head, then
move your attention slowly down through your body (remembering to include the arms), checking in with
each area to see if there’s any tension or pain. Observe whatever messages your body may be sending you
without judging them. (Our bodies may speak loud and clear, like when we feel jittery all over, or they may
communicate in a quiet and subtle way, like with a dull headache or a tight feeling in our chest.)

3. Treat. If you come upon an area of tension or pain, hold your attention on it for a moment and breathe
deeply, sending your breath directly to that area until the sensation subsides.

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Once we’ve located the area of stress in our body, we
can begin to relieve the symptoms by utilizing any of
the techniques below. Try a few in class today, and
see which of them best helps you to feel calm.

Option 1: Exercise
Any physical activity, whether walking briskly around
the block, dancing, playing a sport, or even jog-
ging in place or doing jumping jacks, is scientifically
proven to possess many stress-reducing benefits.
Exercise brings more oxygen to our bodies, revs up
our metabolism, enlivens the muscles, lowers blood
pressure, gives us an outlet for distressing emotions,
releases endorphins (the ‘happy’ chemicals), and
generally gives us a sense of well-being.

Jog in Place: If possible, next to your desk or wher-
ever you are currently positioned, jog in place for one
full minute without stopping.

Jumping Jacks: In the same spot, do twenty-five
jumping jacks in a row.

Option 2: Breathing
In observing our breath, we may notice that we
breathe either too quickly and/or shallowly. Many of
us, without realizing it, take short, shallow breaths
from the top of our chest without exhaling fully. This
can disrupt the O

2
/CO

2
balance in our blood, and in

turn cause the arteries (including the carotid artery
that goes to our brain) to constrict, which reduces
the flow of blood throughout our bodies. When this
occurs, both our bodies and brains experience a
shortage of oxygen, which triggers our sympathetic
nervous system—our “fight or flight” reflex—and
makes us tense, anxious, tired, and/or just gener-
ally uncomfortable. It also reduces our ability to think
clearly, and can result in obsessive thoughts and
negative self-talk. Extensive research has shown that
certain breathing techniques can dramatically reduce
stress and all of the many symptoms that can come
with it.

Calming Breath Exercise: To start, place your
hand on your abdomen, about three fingers below
your belly button. Inhale for three counts deeply
through your nose, allowing your hand to be moved
as your belly expands. Then, breathe out slowly
through slightly pursed lips for six full counts. (Purs-

ing the lips helps to slow down your exhale.) Do this
for one full minute. To enhance the exercise, you can
imagine all tension flowing out of your body as you
release the air from your lungs. If you have the space,
try doing the exercise lying down, as it can be easier
to breathe into your abdomen in that position. You can
also do a modified version if you’re in public, by simply
breathing in through your nose and out through your
mouth as slowly as possible (without pursing your lips).

Option 3: Stretching
Stretching is a great way to loosen our muscles, get
our blood flowing, and release stress and tension.

The Neck Stretch Exercise: Sit comfortably and
drop your head slowly to the right, allowing gravity to
pull your ear toward your shoulder. Without tensing
your shoulder, rest your right hand on the top of your
head and gently pull your head to the right and hold
for a five seconds and release. Repeat on the left side.

The Roll-Over Exercise: Now try standing with
knees bent and feet shoulder-width apart. Drop your
head, allowing your spine to roll down vertebrae
by vertebrae, until your whole upper body is folded
forward. Let gravity pull you into a deep stretch,
resting your hands on your thighs, shins, or the floor.
Nod your head ‘yes,’ then ‘no,’ and allow your neck
to hang loosely. Take a few deep breaths and, when
ready, start with the base of the spine (the tailbone)
and roll your torso back up to standing.

The Face Stretch: Also, try stretching the muscles
in your face by tensing and tightly squeezing your
whole face—lips, eyes, eyebrows, nose and cheeks—
and then open everything as wide as you can. Play
around; just making some funny faces for yourself
can help relieve stress and lighten your mood.

Option 4: Self-Massage
While we can use our breath to relax our muscles
from the inside out, we can also use gentle pressure
to alleviate tension from outside in. Three problematic
areas to focus on are the head, neck/shoulders,
and feet.

Head to Toe Self-Massage Exercise

Head and Neck: Use your fingertips to gently
massage (in a circular motion) into the base of the

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neck, applying pressure as is comfortable. Then
move your fingers out to the sides of your neck and
up to your jaw and up to your temples. It is also
beneficial to gently massage the ears between your
thumb and forefinger.

Neck and Shoulders: Continuing circular move-
ments, provide gentle pressure down your neck and
across your shoulders. Try to breathe deeply as you
do this, releasing any tension with your exhale. If you
have the time or need, you can massage the chest,
belly, or leg muscles in the same way, or massage
the back by rolling on a tennis ball.

Feet: Our feet support us all day, every day. Because
they contain pressure points that correspond to all
parts of the body, a good foot massage can have the
same benefits as a full body massage. Remove your
shoes and socks and massage just like you would
any other area.

Break it Down

What was your experience with these exercises?

Which of them best helped you to relax?

If you were not able to relax, what might have
been standing in the way?

Was there anything that surprised you while you
were doing these exercises?

Could you see applying one or more of these
techniques on a regular basis?

How Our Actions Can Reduce Stress
Now that we know where and how stress plays out in our lives, and how to address mental and physical tension,
we can figure out some proactive ways to stop the stress before it starts. Whether or not we are aware of it, we
already have ways of managing our stress, though often they are destructive rather than constructive methods.
During stressful times, for example, we might habitually pick up a cigarette, a bag of chips, or a drink to help us
relax. The problem is that, while these things may make us feel better at the moment, they do nothing to reduce
the overall stress in our lives or help us to better manage it long-term. In fact, some of these habits may become
addictions that ultimately compromise our health, thus creating more stress in our lives. We might also reflex-
ively take our stress out on other people, like perhaps allowing ourselves to lose our temper with people who’ve
done nothing to harm us. Constructive outlets, however, offer us both short and long-term benefits. Managing
our stress in a healthy way means giving ourselves a regular opportunity to let off steam so that we don’t react
unexpectedly and in destructive ways. This might mean getting into a regular workout routine, making time each
week to read, play games, or talk with a friend, or setting up a private space for daily meditation.

As we go about creating a structure to manage our stress, reviewing our plan of action may help orient us
around our goals, and help us prioritize our needs. If we find, for example, that we’re stressed out because we
don’t have time to work on our goals, we’ll want our stress-reducing actions to help us manage time. If money is
causing us regular anxiety, then creating a new budget might help us to manage our funds so that we can focus
on achieving our goals. Stress may be unavoidable, but it’s far from unmanageable.

When used consistently, the previous techniques (whether we use
one or all of them) will permanently alter the way our bodies respond
to stressors. So instead of feeling jumpy or jittery in a particular situation, we may feel grounded,
even calm, either way, in greater control. Try one or more of them once a day for the next week and
see how they work.

Final Thought

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Exercise: The Stress Rx
Part 1: Stress Check

In the Outside Pressures column, list any of the stress triggers you’re currently aware of having in your life
(e.g. struggling at work, being low on money, having difficulty with a child) and how you feel about them (e.g.
angry, upset, frustrated). Then, in the How I’ve Handled It in the Past column, you’re going to write whatever
you typically do—your action—when faced with this Outside Pressure (e.g. “Go for a run,” “Get angry and yell,”
“Sleep an extra few hours”). You’re then going to write how your handling of the situation usually turns out—the
effect it has on you and/or on other people (e.g. “I feel discouraged,” “I am relaxed,” “My family is upset with
me”). NOTE: It may help to recall the Think About It discussion at the beginning of this section. Finally, you’re
going to read over the How I’ve Handled It in the Past column and put a plus (+) sign next to any constructive/
productive handling of Outside Pressures and a minus (-) sign next to any of those methods you feel have been
unproductive or destructive.

Outside Pressures
(and how I feel about them)

How I’ve Handled It in the
Past (actions)

The Result

Example: I have no time for
myself and I feel resentful and
tired.

Sometimes I lose my temper
with my kids and I often call in
sick to work.

There is a lot of tension in my
house and my boss is losing
patience with me.

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Part 2: The Rx

Now, look over those things you gave a minus (-) sign to, and rewrite any of the Outside Pressures you don’t feel
you have been handling effectively in the appropriate column. Then, in the The Desired Result column, write what
you would like to have happen instead of what has been happening. Focus on what you have control over in the
immediate future. For instance, if your Outside Pressure is, “Running out of money before my next paycheck,”
you’d want to write something like, “Make my money last longer,” vs. “Make more money,” which is something
that might take some time to achieve. Referencing any of the techniques covered in the Reducing Stress section,
as well as any others you can think of, you’re now going to write in the How I Will Handle It in the Future column
an Rx for the situation—that is, whatever steps you could take right now to get your Desired Result.

Outside Pressures The Desired Result How I Will Handle It
in the Future

Example: Not having any time
for myself.

I have time for myself, ideally
an hour a day.

I will reorganize my schedule,
have a calm talk with my family
about needing some time and
simply make it a priority.

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B. Managing Our Emotions

Think About It
Have you ever watched someone you care about make a decision you knew would end up hurting them,
but because their decision was based on such a strong emotional reaction, you couldn’t talk them out of
it? Have you ever made a decision based solely on emotions that you later regretted? Could you imagine
the situation having a more positive outcome if you had also used your rational mind in the decision-making
process? What are some of the ways you think these kinds of emotional decisions could affect your ability
to reach your goals and feel successful? What are some healthy ways of dealing with difficult emotions such
as anger, sadness, fear and jealousy?

When we allow our emotions—whether they feel posi-
tive or negative—to be the sole determining factor in
our decisions, they can end up getting in the way of
our success. For instance, if our boss says something
we find offensive and, instead of speaking with her/
him about it, we just quit, we may lose an opportunity
to grow in an organization that was otherwise a great
place for us. It’s just as easy to make a poor decision
based on a good feeling. For example, if we get ex-
cited by the prospect of a raise we’re sure we’re going
to get and go on a spending spree, then wind up not
getting the raise, we could be left without money for
a professional class that we wanted to take. Many of
our emotional habits or behaviors were developed as
coping strategies for situations we had no other way
of dealing with when we were young and/or as a way
of compensating for the things we felt were missing in
our lives. Sometimes those habits/behaviors no longer
serve us and can keep us from achieving our goals.
In this section, we will work on developing new, more
constructive coping mechanisms and emotion-man-
agement tools that we can put to immediate use.

On a given day, we may experience any number of un-
comfortable emotions; we may feel anxious about hav-
ing to speak in class or perform certain tasks at work,
shut down when confronted with an aggressive person
in our lives, angry about having too much asked of us,
frustrated when we’re not being listened to, jealous of
someone we think has it better than we do, or fearful
when faced with the prospect of losing someone we
love. Usually when we experience a strong, unpleasant
emotion, our first impulse is to try to get rid of it. We

may expend large amounts of time and energy trying
to ignore it, or even deny it’s there. It may seem easier
to suppress the feelings we don’t like rather than
face them, but the truth is that suppressing emotions
doesn’t get rid of them, it only buries them deep inside
us. As long as the feelings are trapped within us, they
have an influence over our thoughts and actions; when
we become conscious of our emotions, we can finally
let them go. By allowing ourselves to feel whatever it is
we’re feeling, we save ourselves time and energy, alle-
viate emotional distress, and give ourselves an essen-
tial tool for making constructive choices—awareness.

It’s a common misperception that we have no control
over how we’re feeling. Particularly when the emotion
is a strong one, it can seem like we’re at the mercy of
whatever is going on in our minds, and that all we can
do is try to keep it from completely taking over. As with
stress, we often attempt to manage these emotions by
engaging in destructive (or potentially destructive) be-
haviors like smoking, overeating, watching too much
TV, starting a fight with someone close to us, spending
the day surfing the web, or oversleeping. While these
behaviors (which may have turned into full-blown
habits) can be harmful to us, it’s important to recog-
nize that they are simply choices we are making, and
usually because we’re not aware of better alternatives.
The idea is not to blame or get angry with ourselves
for these coping mechanisms, but simply to see them
for what they are and make a choice to change them.
Fortunately, as our minds are powerful tools, we have
a lot more control over our emotions and the way we
handle them than we realize.

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Check it Out
On August 27, 2002, magician Criss Angel escaped from his chains and emerged from a 220-gallon tank of
water where he’d been trapped for 24 hours and 6 minutes without eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom.
His only source of air was a 3/8” tube. Wow, right? So how did he do it? By mastering his body with his mind.
Angel committed to an arduous training process of deep breathing exercises, and taught his body a whole
new way to use oxygen. Additionally, and equally essential to his success, he gained mastery over his emo-
tional enemy: fear. While this is an extreme example (and not something you should try at home!), it demon-
strates the incredible power of the human mind to overcome even the most impossible seeming obstacles.

The information and exercises on the following pages will further help us to
use our minds, bodies, and actions to more effectively manage our emotions.

Managing Our Emotions with Our Bodies, Minds, and Actions

How We Can Use Our Minds To Manage Our Emotions
To better enable us to handle our emotions in the most constructive way possible, we’re going to use the same
three ‘mind’ tools we used to reduce our stress.

1. Identify the emotion and accept it! Only by knowing what we feel (whether about ourselves, other peo-
ple, or situations) can we truly understand why we speak and act the way we do; this kind of understand-
ing is essential for making conscious, constructive decisions. Equally essential is our willingness to accept
what we feel without judgment. Judging our emotions—deeming them either wrong or inappropriate—only
encourages us to deny or suppress them, which leaves us with little or no control over their impact. Addi-
tionally, acceptance allows us to more easily let go of those emotions that are disturbing us. Identifying our
emotions may require nothing more than taking a pause, a breath, and checking-in with ourselves by ask-
ing: “What am I really feeling right now?” Just as often, it requires that we look a little more deeply. When
our emotions are buried, we may not be able to ‘think’ them into view, needing instead to utilize one of the
meditative and/or body awareness exercises described in the previous and/or following pages..

2. Decide to handle it constructively. Whatever we’re feeling, however intense the emotion, it is always
up to us how we handle it. If we are feeling very down or discouraged, we can commit to doing whatever’s
necessary to pick ourselves up. If we are fearful, for example, we might seek out support to help us face
and work through our fears. Even if we are fuming mad, we have the ability to decide whether or not to
lose control. In every situation, we can choose to respond vs. react. When dealing with other people, we
can best do this by following the coach’s number one rule of maintaining our dignity; this will help to keep
things from getting complicated and will serve as a powerful reminder of the control we have over our
behavior. Whenever we feel compelled to follow an emotional impulse, it’s a good idea to get a second
opinion from our rational mind by asking ourselves, “Is this really what I want to do? Will I be happy with
this decision tomorrow?”

3. Get Perspective. Getting perspective helps us to manage our emotions in the same way it helps us to ex-
press ourselves effectively and reduce stress, by giving us a clearer view of what’s going on from both the
inside and the outside. Examining our self-picture and outlook can give us great insight into why we feel the
way we do and what we might need to change for greater emotional balance, while giving our perception of
emotionally challenging situations a Reality Check will inform our decisions about how to handle them. For
instance, if we typically feel fearful about speaking up in class, there is very likely some aspect of our self-
picture and/or outlook that is contributing to our fear. If we then do a Reality Check to determine how well
founded our fear is, we may end up realizing that we have nothing to be afraid of and everything to gain by
facing down our fear.

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Exercise Part 1: Just Notice—The Outside
Put down anything you’re holding, get in a comfortable position, and with your eyes open or closed, move your
attention dial up to ten and spend the next full minute simply noticing whatever is going on around you—any
sights, sounds, or smells—without judgments. That’s it. Simply notice what things look like, sound like and smell
like, without judging them in any way, and then let them go. As soon as you are aware of judging—positively or
negatively—simply shift your attention back to whatever is happening. NOTE: It’s okay to mentally name things
that you notice, as long as it’s a neutral (non-judgmental) name. For instance, if you hear a honking car you might
name it “honking” vs. “annoying.” In that way, you’re identifying it without making a judgment about whether
it’s good or bad, or whether you like it or not. When we keep things neutral in this way, they don’t have as much
power to affect our mood. This kind of practice also strengthens our ability to be objective, which is essential for
keeping our emotions in check and making responsive, rational decisions.

Break it Down: What (if anything) did you find challenging about this exercise? Were you aware of any
judgments coming up, whether positive or negative? Did you find you were able to let them go?

How We Can Use Our Bodies To Manage Our Emotions
Our minds and bodies function together as part of an interconnected system, and every thought has a corre-
sponding expression in our bodies, whether as a physical action or as a sensation. For instance, when our mind
tells our body to walk, dance or write, provided we are physically able, it does; when we experience a strong
emotion, like fear for instance, our bodies respond with a pounding heart, sweaty palms and/or a tightness in the
chest. In turn, our physical body has a strong influence over our thoughts and emotions. An illness or injury, for
instance, can get us down, while an hour of vigorous exercise can make us feel exhilarated. After many years of
intensive research, it’s becoming a more widely accepted theory in the medical community that our outlook can
be a significant determining factor in the quality of our physical health, and that our physical circumstances exert
just as much influence over our mental state. Ultimately, the better care we take of ourselves both physically and
emotionally, the more our mind-body connection will take care of us.

Tuning into our bodies can help us to create a strong, healthy mind-body connection so that our bodies can tell
us things our minds might not be able to. By focusing our awareness on what is going on physically, we can get
insight into what is going on emotionally. For instance, we may not realize that we’re sad about something until
we notice a tightness in our chest, or that we’re angry until we notice our jaw is clenched. We might even think
of this mind-body attention as a laser that dissolves the sensation until it reveals the emotions beneath.

Exercise Part 2: Just Notice—The Inside
Once again, start by putting down anything you’re holding and getting into a comfortable position, but this time,
close your eyes and focus first on your breathing. Hold your attention for a few moments on your belly expand-
ing and contracting as the breath goes in and out of your body. Now, instead of tuning into what’s going on
outside of you, you’re going to tune in to what’s going on inside of you—your sensations and emotions. Again,
take the same non-judgmental approach, simply noticing the sensation or emotion without placing any value
judgment on it (e.g. “I feel tingling in my left foot” vs. “That’s such a weird feeling,” or “I feel sad” vs. “I hate this
feeling, it’s awful”), and then letting it go. If you find that there is one particularly strong sensation (a pain for in-
stance), try to keep your attention focused on it, and imagine your breath going in and out of that place until the
pain starts to lessen. You may find that as the pain dissipates, it reveals an emotion. Again, whatever it is, just
notice it and let it go.

Break it Down: How did Part 2 of this exercise compare with Part 1? Was it more or less difficult?
What discoveries, if any, did you make doing this exercise? What kind of judgments came up? How easy/
difficult was it to let them go?

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“Knowing how to perform simple breathing techniques can help lower your blood pressure, calm a rac-
ing heart, or help your digestive system without taking drugs. Breathing has direct connections to emo-
tional states and moods—observe someone who is angry, afraid or otherwise upset, and you will see a

person breathing rapidly, shallowly, noisily and irregularly. You cannot be upset if your breathing is slow,
deep, quiet and regular. You cannot always center yourself emotionally by an act of will, but you can use

your voluntary nerves to make your breathing slow, deep, quiet and regular, and the rest will follow.
—Dr. Andrew Weil (renowned physician and author of several best-selling books on integrative medicine)

Breath control is just as crucial for managing our emotions as it is for reducing stress.

How Our Actions Can Help Us Manage Our Emotions
The fact is, there are no wrong emotions, only healthy and unhealthy ways of expressing them through our
words and actions. Most of our emotions can go in one of two ways depending upon how we handle them. For
instance, if we are in an argument with a parent and feel angry about their behavior, we can either channel our
anger toward a counterproductive outcome like yelling, threatening or storming out, or a productive outcome like
expressing ourselves in a firm but rational way. If we’re feeling disappointed about a poor grade we got on a test,
we can either allow that disappointment to get us down and sap our energy, or we can let it fuel our determina-
tion to do better the next time.

Just as with stress, there are two approaches to managing our emotions in a consistently effective way. The first
is to have an array of healthy coping mechanisms we can utilize at any time. There are many different ways to
process and express our emotions: we can get physical (e.g. dance, play sports, stretch, punch a punching bag),
get space (e.g. go hiking, to the beach, to a park, to a library), get heady (e.g. read, do puzzles, meditate), get
vocal (e.g. call a friend, sing, scream), get creative (e.g. write a story/poem/song/blog entry, paint, sculpt), get
spiritual (e.g. go to a sacred space, engage in a meaningful ritual), or whatever else works for us. As we try dif-
ferent things, we will find that some methods work better than others for channeling certain emotions, and learn
to know what we need when. We may also find it helpful to engage in some of these activities on a regular basis,
perhaps turning them into a daily or weekly ritual to keep emotional pressure from building up.

The second approach to managing our emotions long-term, is to identify any common triggers for strong
emotional reactions, and anticipate when they may come up. If we know, for example, that we tend to get over-
whelmed with anger when confronting a particular person, we might do a Quick Chill or listen to calming music
before we meet them. If we are nearing a specific date that reminds us of the past and always makes us sad, we
might plan a gathering with friends on that day, or rent an uplifting movie. With a little forethought, we can honor
and validate all of our emotions while creating the structure we need to express them healthfully and constructively.

Calming Breath Exercise: This exercise, introduced in the Reducing Stress section, is one of the most effec-
tive methods of slowing and deepening our breathing, and creating a sense of calm.

Controlling Breath Exercise: This exercise is particularly helpful for whenever you feel highly agitated or up-
set. Again, start by placing your hand on your abdomen, about three fingers below your belly button. Inhale for
three counts deeply through your nose, hold for three counts, and then take five seconds to exhale through your
mouth. Do this for one full minute. If you are experiencing any distressing emotions, breathe in this manner until
you feel more settled.

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Exercise: Rewrite the Scene

Part 1: Replay It

Part 2: Get Perspective

Part 3: The Rewrite

First, bring to mind a recent situation where you had trouble managing your emotions and, as a result, expressed
them (through your words or actions) in a way you weren’t happy with. Now you’re going to close your eyes and
picture the situation in as much detail as possible. As best you can, imagine that you are really there again; see
if you can recall exactly how you felt (including any physical sensations that were present) and any self-talk that
accompanied the emotion(s). Then, with your eyes still closed, staying fully in the scene, ask yourself the follow-
ing questions:

1. What’s really going on for me right now (the feelings, the sensations)?

2. What do I need to hear from myself to make this feeling okay—to be able to accept it without judgment?

3. What do I need to say or do to get a better handle on the emotion(s) I’m dealing with?

Slowly open your eyes and continue with the next part of the exercise.

When you’re in the midst of dealing with a challenging emotional reaction, objectivity can be difficult; it’s best to
wait until you have a little distance from the situation (both physically and time-wise) before you try to get per-
spective. Based on the insight you gained from Replay It, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Am I making any assumptions or judgments about the person/situation that might not be 100% accurate?

2. If so, how could they be contributing to my emotional experience?

3. Is it possible that I am taking things too personally or too seriously? If so, what new self-messages can I use
to change that?

Slowly open your eyes and continue with the next part of the exercise.

Now, you’re going to ‘rewrite’ this scene in your head, almost as though it were a movie. Again, start by closing
your eyes, and mentally returning to the scene. This time you’re going to imagine what it would feel like to fully
accept whatever emotions are coming up, and sit with that for a moment. Then visualize (picture) yourself han-
dling the emotions in exactly the way you need to for the best possible outcome. Take as much time as you need
to play the scene out in your mind to its conclusion.

Talk it Out
What did you discover doing the Replay It part of this exercise? Did anything surprise you? How well did
you find your were able to Get Perspective and Rewrite the scene? Are there other situations in your life
right now where you could utilize this tool? To what extent do you think this type of exercise could have a
positive affect on your self-picture and/or outlook? How might it help you to achieve your goals?

One of the best things we can do when we’re feeling overwhelmed by emotions is to mentally step out of the
situation long enough to gain insight into what’s really going on, to accept whatever it is we’re feeling, and to
get a better understanding of how to handle things either at that moment or in the future. No matter what we’re
dealing with, we always have access to our inner wisdom, and the ability to get control over our emotions. This
exercise will give us some practice doing just that.

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C. Staying Motivated

Talk It Out
What kinds of things could keep a person in adverse circumstances, like Ms. Sotomayor or Mr. Weisel,
motivated to succeed? What keeps you motivated when you’re facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles
or discouraging setbacks? On a more regular, everyday basis, how do you keep yourself motivated to do
what you need to do? Are there goals or tasks that you’ve set for yourself, but haven’t been motivated to
accomplish, or have only made a half-hearted commitment to? If so, why do you think that might be?

Creating Motivation
We hear a lot about how important it is to get and stay
motivated if we want to be successful. Important as
it is, no one feels motivated all the time. Sometimes
it may feel like we can’t get inspired at all, while other
times our inspiration comes, but only for a fleeting
moment. What are we supposed to do when we’re
feeling down, tired, stressed out, or like even the bare
minimum is asking too much? Motivation can be a bit
of a catch-22; we need it to feel better, but we need to
feel better to get it. The fact is that if we want to reach
our goals and feel successful, we can’t wait around for
motivation to happen, we have to create it—but how?
First, we need to know that being motivated doesn’t
necessarily mean we’re 100% psyched to study for our
exam, that we jump out of bed every morning eager to
get to work, or that we make breakfast for our families
with a big, happy smile on our faces. It does mean that
whatever we’re feeling, we keep in mind how important

these things really are in the bigger picture and commit
to doing them, even when we’re missing the spark of
inspiration.

Obstacles Can Be Opportunities
Everyone comes up against unexpected obstacles and
setbacks along the way to achieving their goals. These
bumps in the road are a natural part of our growth
and progress. Our track record already proves that we
are capable of overcoming obstacles, and even using
them to our advantage. By honoring our hard work,
giving ourselves room to make mistakes, and utiliz-
ing our support system and self-support, we can work
through any challenges that arise and come through
them with an even greater sense of determination. We
can look at every challenge we face as an opportunity
to become more conscious of our choices and the ef-
fect they are having on our lives.

Check It Out
The following are two of an infinite number of examples of people sustaining their motivation in spite of
difficult, even dire circumstances:

Sonia Sotomayor was born to a Puerto Rican family and raised in the very rough neighborhoods of the
Bronx. When she lost her father at nine years old, she turned to books for solace. Her love of reading,
especially Nancy Drew, drove her to the top of her class. Continued academic excellence helped her to win
a scholarship to Princeton and, in 2009, to become the first Hispanic Justice in the history of the US Su-
preme Court. Read the official White House press release on her confirmation here: www.whitehouse.gov/
the_press_office/Background-on-Judge-Sonia-Sotomayor/

In 1944, 15-year-old Jewish, Romanian Elie Weisel and his family, were forced to live in a cramped ghetto,
and then to work as slave laborers in the torturous, dirty, and violently oppressive conditions at Aushwitz,
the largest concentration camp operating during World War II. After the camp was liberated in 1945, Weisel
moved to the US, where he became a respected writer and humanitarian. He is the author of 57 books,
including the best-selling memoir Night, and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize in 1986. Read more about him
and his work here: www.eliewieselfoundation.org

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Commitment
Living in a world full of distractions, demands and
opportunities, it takes real commitment on our part to
stick with the process and achieve our goals. What
exactly is commitment? What does it entail?

First, we should distinguish between a commitment
and an obligation. An “obligation” suggests something
we have no choice about, but simply have to do. If we
fulfill an obligation, we’re likely to do as little as we can
get away with. A “commitment,” on the other hand,
is something we want to do because we know that
it matters. Though the desired outcome may take a
while, commitment means being willing to work hard
and consistently invest our time, money, and/or energy
in what we believe in. We may already have commit-
ments in many areas of our lives, from our relation-
ships to political causes, but this way of thinking can
be especially useful in advancing us towards our goals.
We want the commitment to our big goals to inspire
us and carry us through accomplishing our supporting
goals, as well as the more mundane, day-to-day tasks
and action steps. One great resource already at our
disposal to help us in this area is our plan of action.

With our plan of action laid out in front of us, we can
see exactly what supporting goals we want to have
accomplished by when in order to reach our big goal
by the end date. These deadlines that we set for our-
selves can be extremely helpful in providing just the
right amount of pressure. Though the word typically
has a negative connotation, with a positive outlook,
pressure can be a motivating or energizing force.
The pressure we may feel over an upcoming test, for
example, can present a major block to our progress if
we allow the time crunch to cause us anxiety or pass
it off as a lost cause. On the other hand, we can let the
pressure motivate us to be disciplined, plan ahead,
and study smart with the time we have. When we set
a challenging deadline and meet it, we build trust and
confidence in ourselves, and reaffirm our commitment
to the end result. Being both firm and forgiving with
ourselves, we are empowered to set deadlines in our
plan of action that push us to achieve without pushing
us down.

The pride and self-trust that comes from sticking with
something and consistently meeting our own expec-
tations starts us on a supportive cycle that keeps us
achieving. This propels us forward and gives us the
patience to work thoughtfully and mindfully, chip-

ping away at our biggest goals bit by bit. One week of
regular exercise, for instance, isn’t going to make up
for three months of Krispy Kremes and channel surf-
ing, but a month might; even small changes, when we
commit to them, can have a big impact. This is backed
up by science, which has shown that habits (things
we do automatically) form after only three weeks of
consistent action. So we can form a habit like exercis-
ing simply by sticking with it for three weeks’ time;
likewise, we can kick a habit, like smoking, by refusing
to pick up a cigarette for those same three weeks.

Of course, there will still be times when we don’t feel
like going the extra mile or doing our action steps for
the day, and it’s important not to punish ourselves for
that. Instead, we might allow ourselves twenty-four
hours to rest, reevaluate, or just be present with what-
ever we’re going through. After that period has ended,
however, we will benefit by recalling the famous Nike
slogan, “Just do it.” The reason this simple, almost ob-
vious statement has become one of the most famous
slogans in advertising history, is because it reminds us
that it is within our power to set aside all the procras-
tinating, the excuses, the over-thinking, and just do
what we need to do to succeed. We have the power!

Staying Connected
Feeling isolated or disconnected from other people
can make it hard to stay motivated. As social crea-
tures, we require social interaction and support to live
all-around healthy, fulfilling lives. One way of reminding
ourselves that we’re not alone is by getting involved in
activities, spending time with friends and loved ones,
and even volunteering in our community. When our
own plate may be near full, it’s hard to imagine how
giving away our time could be anything but a drain.
The fact is, however, volunteering can actually give us
energy as it boosts our self-esteem and reinforces our
connection to other people. Offering just a few hours
a week (or month) of our time, whether for a soup
kitchen, little league team, environmental organization,
healthcare clinic or animal shelter, can act as a deep
reminder that we are all in this together. We may even
find that the giving becomes reciprocal—when we
give, we get in return.

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Exercise: My Rewards
We’ve seen how our plan of action can help motivate us with deadlines, and also how meeting those dead-
lines can become its own reward. When we’ve achieved what we’ve set out to do, it’s vital to acknowledge and
celebrate our accomplishment with something tangible. Although the reward should be something we want, it
doesn’t have to be expensive or even related to our goal. We might cook ourselves a nice meal, give ourselves
some ‘me’ time to just read or watch a favorite movie, or spend an evening with a friend.

Think about what rewards you might want to give yourself for accomplishing your goals. Then, in the boxes
below, write in your three supporting goals and big goal, and assign a reward to each of them.

Reward: Reward: Reward: Reward:

Supporting
(3 Month) Goal:
Supporting
(6 Month) Goal:
Supporting
(9 Month) Goal:

Big
(One Year) Goal:

One reward that we can give ourselves everyday is the gift of gratitude. By acknowledging all the reasons
we have to be grateful to ourselves, to other people, and/or to any other forces at work in the universe, we
give ourselves an inspirational boost. Especially on days that aren’t going so well, reminding ourselves of
the ways in which we are fortunate can act as a reassurance that everything’s okay. Gratitude can serve
us in this way at any time, and can also be cultivated as a regular practice. Just five minutes a day, upon
waking or before bed, is enough time to acknowledge all the many gifts each of us has, put us in a positive
frame of mind, and anchor our lives with meaning and purpose.

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Exercise: My Contract with Success
The fact is, as much as we may want to succeed, we don’t always feel that we deserve it. If we don’t feel we
deserve something, at some point we’re going to lose the motivation to pursue it. This exercise will serve as a
reminder—for whenever you’re feeling undeserving or discouraged—of why you always deserve the best from
yourself. First, finish the sentence This year I will give myself… with whatever goal you most want to work toward
right now. Then, complete To help make sure that happens, every day/week I will… with whatever one thing you
need to do on a daily basis to fulfill that goal. Next, finish the sentence I deserve to succeed in all areas of my
life because… with any and every reason you believe you deserve to succeed. If, for whatever reason, you don’t
feel deserving right now, think about your greatest ally and write out what you think they would say. Now, finish I
will commit to my own success because… with the biggest and best reason you can think of for sticking with this
goal. Finally, find someone from your support system who can watch you sign this contract, and have them sign
it as well, to formalize it and affirm your commitment to yourself.

My Success Contract

This year I will give myself…

To help make sure that happens, every day/week I will…

I deserve to succeed in all areas of my life because…

I will commit to my own success because…

Your signature: _____________________________ Witness signature: ______________________________

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support your choices

In this section, we will build on the progress we’ve made and

expand our success toolbox with new exercises to enhance our

support system and self-support. Also included in this section

are a second set of the following life direction exercises: Setting

Goals, My Resources, Plan of Action, and My Monthly Plan.

Become Aware Make Choices Support
Your Choices

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support your choices

Support for Managing Your Emotions

Exercise: My Day Replay
Looking back over our day is a great way to get insight into what did and didn’t work about our choices, and to
give us a better perspective on what actually took place. For instance, we may go to bed feeling like we’ve had
an awful day, but when we do a mental review of it in our minds, we may find that there were actually a number
of positive points, and that we could manage at least some of the things that weren’t so good differently for a
better outcome in the future. Doing this helps us to keep the difficult or unpleasant things manageable, and gives
more weight to all that is good about our lives. NOTE: If possible, make copies of this exercise for future use.

Part 1: The Good Stuff
You’ll want to do this exercise just before going to bed; it helps to start off doing it as a written exercise, then,
if you’re comfortable, simply doing it in your head. First, mentally travel back to this morning and slowly walk
through your day, looking for anything at all that felt good—whether it was a significant accomplishment or just
a small happy moment. Whenever you come upon something positive, either that you did for yourself or for
someone else (e.g. I handled that situation well, I volunteered at the animal shelter), write it in the It felt good that
I… box. Then, in the I was glad that… box, write in anything else that gave you a good feeling over the course of
your day; it can be something that came from a person or other sources (e.g. a nice conversation with a cowork-
er, a beautiful sunny day).

It felt good that I… I was glad that…

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Part 2: The Tough Stuff

This part of the exercise will help you to look at your day with constructive eyes in order to draw helpful informa-
tion from any challenging experiences you had, and as a reminder that you have a good deal of control over your
emotions and moods. Going back through your day, either forward, backwards or in any way that works, take
note of anything that happened that you didn’t feel good about and write it out. If any of these was a situation
you handled less well than you would have liked, write down how you could have handled things differently for a
better outcome.

NOTE: This exercise can be done in any order. If, as you review your day, you find that the negative things stand out
more, it’s best to address those first by starting with The Tough Stuff; if not, begin instead with The Good Stuff.

What I didn’t feel good about:

What, if anything, I could have done differently in that/those situation(s):

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Support for Building Your Support System

Exercise: Adopt a Coach
For this exercise, you’re going to identify an ally and ask them to be your coach (or any other term you prefer).
Once you’ve thought of someone, write their name below. Then, consider how this person could help sup-
port you in reaching your goals. For instance, you may need someone to check in with you every week to see if
you’ve fulfilled your action steps, or to meet once a month to talk about your progress and any challenges you’ve
had over the month with regards to your goals. Write down whatever you feel this person could offer you, mak-
ing sure that what you’re asking for is reasonable. Then, think about how you might approach person, how you
would you describe what you’re looking to accomplish, and how you could benefit from their support.

How this coach could support my efforts to reach my goals:

How I’ll describe what I’m looking to accomplish, and how I could benefit from their support:

My Coach:

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Exercise: What I’m Grateful For

What I’m grateful to myself for:

What I’m grateful to other people for:

What I’m grateful to the forces at work in the universe for:

Support for Staying Motivated

The purpose of this exercise is not to ignore all the hard stuff or to try to see the world through rose-colored
glasses, but simply to acknowledge everything—big and small—that makes your world a better place to live.
It can be done at the end of the day or any time you’re feeling down or discouraged, and as with the My Day
Replay exercise, can be done on paper or in your head. If you choose to write it out, you can either make copies
of this page and leave them by your bed, or buy a blank book/journal to use for this purpose.

Simply, write out (or think about) anything you feel grateful to yourself for, to other people for, or to the forces of
the universe for. It might be an advancement you made toward a goal, a kindness someone showed you, your
health, living in a democratic country, a smile you got from a stranger today, anything at all that has made your
life a little better. If you’re not feeling a strong sense of gratitude at this moment, try to imagine what you would
feel grateful for if you could, and write that.

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Support for Reducing Stress

Exercise: Journaling
If you’ve ever kept a journal, you know that the act of writing can be freeing and therapeutic. When we allow
ourselves to write freely without editing, we often end up learning a lot about how we really feel. We may start off
writing about one thing and end up on a different subject altogether, but along the way, previously undiscovered
ideas and feelings reveal themselves. We may also get great insights into how to handle previously unmanage-
able situations and emotions.

For this exercise, you may want to make copies of this page, or find a nice blank book and a pen you like writing
with. The idea is to write for at least five minutes without stopping—not lifting your pen from the page for even a
moment once you’ve put it down. It helps to start off with a question or sentence starter like “right now I feel..”
You can try using that as an opening, or anything else that comes to mind. Computers work equally well for jour-
naling if you find that more comfortable.

Right now I feel…

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support your choices
Copyright © 2009, Best Effect
Setting Goals
Supporting (3 Month) Goal: Supporting (6 Month) Goal: Supporting (9 Month) Goal:
Date of Completion:Date of Completion: Date of Completion:
VALUE:
Big (One Year) Goal:
Date:

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support your choices
Copyright © 2009, Best Effect
My Resources
Resources in
Support of My Goal:
Supporting
(3 Month) Goal:
Resources in
Support of My Goal:
Supporting
(6 Month) Goal:
Resources in
Support of My Goal:
Supporting
(9 Month) Goal:
Resources in
Support of My Goal:
Big (One Year) Goal:

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support your choices
Copyright © 2009, Best Effect
Plan of Action
VALUE:
Supporting
(3 Month) Goal:
Supporting
(6 Month) Goal:
Supporting
(9 Month) Goal:
Big (One Year)
Goal:
Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps:
3 3 3 3
Date: Date: Date: Date:
1 1 1 1
2 2 2 2

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Time Management Rx
Activities to cut down on

or cut out
Maximum amount of time per
day or per week that I want to
spend on this activity is:
Any special arrangements
needed to make that happen
Things I want to do more of, or
add into my schedule?
Time I want to spend
on this activity
Any special arrangements
needed to make that happen

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My Monthly Plan
Week 4Week 3Week 2Week 1

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