FOR ARISTOTLE ONLY

Psychology 201 8 week course online. I will provide the book digitally.

A Text/Workbook for Human
Relations and Personal Adjustment

Velma Walker
Tarrant County College

Becoming AwareBecoming Aware
Eleventh Edition

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All Shutterstock images used under license from Shutterstock, Inc.

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4050 Westmark Drive
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ISBN 978-0-7575-7168-8
Special Edition ISBN 978-0-7575-7170-1

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form
or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of
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Book Team
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Th ere is inside you all of the potential to be whatever you want to be—all of
the energy to do whatever you want to do.
Imagine yourself as you would like to be, doing what you want to do, and
each day, take one step . . . toward your dream.
And though at times it may seem too diffi cult to continue, hold on to your
dream.
One morning you will awake to fi nd that you are the person you dreamed
of—doing what you wanted to do—simply because you had the courage to
believe in your potential and to hold on to your dream.

You Can Be Whatever You Want to Be

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iii

Brief ContentsBrief Contents

Chapter 1: Getting Acquainted with Ourselves and Others
Relationships are the source of our greatest pleasures and pain throughout our lives. We will discover the
process of understanding our inner “self” and getting acquainted with others throughout this chapter.

Chapter 2: Self-Awareness
Understanding the “self” and discovering how you evolved into the person you are will be addressed in
this chapter.

Chapter 3: Who’s in Control?
In this chapter, you will learn to take control of your life and change your behavior.

Chapter 4: Dealing with Emotions
The full spectrum of human feelings, from love and excitement to anger and despair, is discussed.
Research on emotional intelligence—learning to achieve a balance between emotional expression and
control—is also addressed in this chapter.

Chapter 5: Interpersonal Communication
This chapter focuses on effective communication skills for establishing and maintaining more satisfying
relationships with others.

Chapter 6: Developing Close Relationships
The evolution of a relationship—fi nding friends, becoming intimate, and discovering love will be
addressed throughout this chapter.

Chapter 7: Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict
In this chapter, we learn to approach interpersonal confl ict differently—there doesn’t have to be a
winner and a loser.

Chapter 8: Managing Stress and Wellness
Various stressors are identifi ed in this chapter, as well as effective ways of coping with stress. The
interaction of thoughts, feelings, and negative self-talk is also addressed.

Chapter 9: Values and Ethics
Prioritizing individual values—what is important in life—and fi nding meaning and purpose in life are
discussed in this chapter. Making ethical choices is also discussed.

Chapter 10: Life Planning
Taking risks and developing a plan of action for success are emphasized in this chapter. Research on the
secret of happiness is also discussed.

Brief Contents Brief Contents

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Contents Contents

Preface ix
Acknowledgments xv

1 Getting Acquainted with Ourselves and Others 1
Self-Discovery 2
Self-Disclosure 3
The Johari Window 7
Loneliness 10
What Should a Relationship Provide? 11
The Fear of Getting Acquainted—Shyness 13
Perceptual Awareness 17
People Perception 18
Can I Change My Image? 28
Developing New Relationships 29
Chapter Review 34
Activities 37

2 Self-Awareness 51
“Self-Image” Development 52
Signifi cant Others 53
Personality Development 55
Adler’s Individual Psychology Theory 56
Erikson’s Eight Stages of Psychosocial

Development 57
Trait Theory 60
Personality Types 62
Carl Rogers: Self-Theory—Humanistic

Approach 63
Viktor Frankl: Search for Meaning 65
Virginia Satir: Self-Worth 65
How Do Our Thoughts and Our

Environment Relate to the Development
of Our Personality? 67

How Did I Get to Be the Person I Am Today? 67
Cognitive and Social-Learning Theories 69
The Self 71
Find Your Real Self 73
Self-Esteem 75
Individualism vs. Collectivism 75
The Real Journey 82
Chapter Review 84
Activities 89

Who’s in Control? 107
Self-Control or External Control 108
Are You an Internal or External? 109
Perceived Control or Lack of Control 110
Outcome 110
Who’s in Control? 110
Two Explanatory Styles 115
Social Learning Theory 117
How Does Learning Theory Infl uence

Your Life? 118
What Gets Your Attention? 119
Learning Theory 121
Classical Conditioning 121
We Learn from Our Experience 124
What Are the Consequences? 125
What Kind of Reinforcement Do You Use? 128
Self-Control in Everyday Living 128
A Self-Change Program 129
Just Do It! 133
Chapter Review 134
Activities 137

4 Dealing with Emotions 155
What Are Emotions? 156
Characteristics of Emotions 157
Types of Emotions 159
Living with Problem Emotions 161
Development of Emotions 172
Emotional Intelligence 172
The Costs of Denying Emotions 174
Getting Out of Emotional Debt 175
Guidelines for Dealing with Your Emotions 176
Understanding Culture and Emotion 178
Benefi ts of Expressing Your Feelings 179
Forgiveness—The Healing Process 180
Chapter Review 184
Activities 187

5 Interpersonal Communication 203
Why Do We Need to Communicate? 204
Why Is Communication Diffi cult? 205

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vi Contents

What Is Involved in the Communication
Process? 206

One- and Two-Way Communication 208
Nonverbal Communication 209
Verbal Communication 214
Technology and Communication 218
Gender and Communication 219
Listening (What Did You Say?) 220
Barriers to Listening 221
Styles of Responding 223
Active Listening—Empathetic Listening 226
Which Style of Responding Do You Use? 229
Person-to-Person Communication 230
Chapter Review 232
Activities 235

6 Developing Close Relationships 249
The Development of a Relationship 250
Becoming Friends 251
Dating and Mate selection 257
Becoming Lovers 259
Becoming Committed 265
Marital Adjustment 269
Marital Confl ict 271
Communication Problems 273
Family Violence 274
Codependence 275
What’s the Green-Eyed Monster? 277
Growing Apart 278
Chapter Review 283
Activities 287

7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 303
What Is Confl ict? 304
What Causes Confl ict? 304
The Realities of Confl ict 305
Positive Effects of Confl ict 305
Negative Effects of Confl ict 306
What Is Your Style of Confl ict Management? 306
Behavior Styles 307
The Styles in Action 311
Learning to Be Assertive 312
Suggestions for Delivering an Assertive

“I” Message 314
How to Say No without Feeling Guilty 315
Gender and Confl ict Management 316

Culture and Confl ict Management 317
Strategies For Handling Confl ict 319
Mastering Interpersonal Confl ict 320
Steps for Win-Win Confl ict Resolution 322
When Confl icts Cannot Be Resolved 325
Chapter Review 328
Activities 331

8 Managing Stress and Wellness 349
What Is Stress? 350
Types of Stress 351
Causes of Stress 352
The Effects of Stress 356
Physical Effects of Stress 357
Behavioral Effects of Stress 357
Personality Types 358
Negative and Defensive Coping 360
Gender, Culture, and Stress 361
What Affects the Way Individuals Cope

with Stress? 363
Dealing with Stressful Thoughts and

Feelings 365
The Power of Self-Talk 365
What Is the Difference in Irrational and Rational

Beliefs—Self-Talk? 366
Characteristics of Irrational and Rational

Self-Talk 368
Disputing Irrational Beliefs 370
20 Tips for Managing Stress 370
The Relaxation Response 373
Chapter Review 375
Activities 379

9 Values and Ethics 399
What Are Values? 400
Types of Value Systems 402
How Do Values Develop? 402
The Infl uence of Other Factors 403
What Are My Values? 406
Clarifying Your Personal Values 409
Value Indicators 411
We Learn to Value What We Suffer For 412
Making Ethical Choices 413
The Importance of Meaning and Purpose 416
Chapter Review 419
Activities 423

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Contents vii

Life Planning 441
Learning to Take Risks 442
What Motivates You? 443
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs 445
Plan Your Life Like You Would a Vacation 447
Setting Your Goals: What Do You Want? 449
Contributors to Success 450
The Time in Your Life 453
Culture and the Organization of Time 456
Creating Harmony in Your Life 457
Effective Life Planning: It’s All Up to You! 459
Happiness and Well-Being 460

Myths and Truths about Happiness 461
Who Is Happiest? 462
Ways to Be Happy 463
Chapter Review 466
Activities 469

References 485

Glossary 497

Index 509

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You will discover that the new eleventh edition of Becoming Aware: A Text/Workbook for Human Relations and Personal Adjustment will
assist you in the process of becoming more aware of yourself and others
through the most interactive learning process you have found in any
textbook.

Since ancient times, folk wisdom and philosophy have told us that the
greatest amount of learning takes place when the student is an active
participant in a critical-thinking process. This new edition was carefully
designed to help students apply psychological principles, to develop the
ability to think critically, to better understand themselves, and improve
their relationships with others through an interactive process.

The new eleventh edition of Becoming Aware: A Text/Workbook for
Human Relations and Personal Adjustment offers a wealth of informa-
tion to help guide students both in class and in their everyday lives.

This new edition is a text/workbook that will give students the
opportunity to become an active learner in the process of learning about
human relations and personal adjustment. Learning should be a “hands
on” experience. This new edition will help students explore, experiment,
test, and apply the theories and ideas within the world of human relations
and personal adjustment. This text/workbook will allow the learner to
think critically, work through problems logically, and make connections
with the real world and thus become an active learner. The more you
become actively involved within the subject matter of human relations
and personal adjustment, the more you will learn. This new edition will
give you and the students within the class many new opportunities to
get actively involved in learning about yourself and others.

What is more important to us than our own personal adjustment and
our relationships with other people? This is a personal book. This new
edition is written for college students of all ages and for all others who
wish to explore the world of self-awareness and discover new avenues
for personal growth and adjustment and the development and continu-
ance of personal relationships.

Life is a journey, and this book will guide you in the process of
self-discovery and self-understanding. Relating with others is an art
to be learned and practiced. This new edition will provide you with
many new ideas and new activities that will allow you to gain a better
understanding of yourself and others.

The self is the foundation of all relationships. One of the goals of
this book is to guide us in the active process of getting acquainted with
others and ourselves. As we continue this process, we will gain a better
understanding of our emotions and resolving interpersonal confl ict.

Because human beings interact and relate to one another through
interpersonal communication, another goal of this book is to help us
learn how to communicate positively. We believe human beings have
the capacity to change and adapt, and to effectively cope with stressful
circumstances in our lives. This new edition will facilitate the process of

Preface Preface

T he art of teaching is the art of assisting discovery.
MARK VAN DOREM

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x Preface

allowing you to gain control of your life with a better understanding of
learning theory and personality theory.

As we learn to relate to others, we will discover the value of friends
and intimate partners. As they say, “love is a many splendored thing,”
and we hope we will all discover through this book and throughout life
what love is and the importance of a loving relationship. As we continue
through our journey of life, we will discover what is important to us in
life and the importance of life planning.

About the Book
The approach in Becoming Aware is humanistic and personal; that is, it
stresses the healthy and effective personality and the common struggles
we all have in developing a greater awareness of self and establish-
ing more meaningful relationships with others. It especially emphasizes
taking risks in accepting personal responsibility for achieving a greater
awareness of self and deciding whether and how we want to change
our life.

This book was written for students who were looking for a practical
course: one that dealt with issues in everyday living and would also pro-
vide a catalyst for their own personal growth. Many previous students
have found this book so valuable in their own lives, they have added this
book to their own personal library and have read it many different times
and have also bought their friends copies as gifts.

Becoming Aware has been adopted in courses dealing with the
psychology of adjustment, human relations, applied psychology, personal
growth and awareness, communication, etc. It has also been fortunate to
have had numerous adoptions from technical and vocational programs,
ranging from nursing to electronics. In addition, instructors in teacher-
training courses, as well as management development courses, have
found Becoming Aware a practical guide for their students.

Experience shows that active, open, practical, and personal participa-
tion in these courses has led to greater self-awareness, enhanced rela-
tionships with others, and increased control over choosing direction for
one’s life.

Hopefully this book will make your journey more fulfi lled as you
travel through life.

Organization of This Edition
This is a personal interactive book. Within each chapter, the reader is
encouraged to examine relevant ideas and issues pertaining to their
understanding of self and their relationships with others.

This book is designed to be a personal workbook as well as a class-
room text. Each chapter has a minimum of fi ve activities for the reader to
pause and refl ect on the personal application of the concepts and theo-
ries presented in the chapter. Most of the activities will allow the reader
to get personally and individually involved in completing the tasks, while
a few of the activities will require each person to get involved in a small
group process in order to complete the task. It is important for all stu-
dents to participate in individual projects as well as group activities.
In today’s world of business we all have to learn to function as a team

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Preface xi

(within groups) and as individuals. The better we learn to do it now, the
better we will survive in the world of business.

As we have all discovered, the more we get personally involved in
any subject, the more we learn. It is the intention of the author and this
book to get the reader more involved within the subject matter and thus
learn more about themselves and their relationships than they ever have
before.

Each chapter also contains a Learning Journal that will allow the
reader to write and assess the personal value or meaning gained from the
concepts presented. The activities, as well as the Learning Journals, have
perforated pages, specifi cally designed for more convenient classroom
participation of work outside of class that can be used for evaluation and
assessment. Additionally, there are over 200 thought-provoking quota-
tions, from well-known sources, and over 25 short poems and words of
wisdom designed to further promote insightful awareness.

The learning process is an important aspect of this book. The reader
gets more involved within the subject matter of the text through the use
of chapter test review questions, which will allow the student to relate
directly to the important concepts and ideas within each chapter.

Refl ection questions are designed to help students to develop critical
thinking skills and work through problems logically. The activities at the
end of each chapter will allow each individual to get personally involved,
not only individually, but also within groups, which allow for interaction
and teamwork.

What’s New in This Edition?
The eleventh edition of Becoming Aware refl ects signifi cant updating.
Each chapter has been extensively reviewed and updated to give the reader
the most current research available in the search for self-exploration.

Reviewers provided many excellent suggestions for this edition that
were incorporated throughout the book.

Major Revisions and Additions
Active learning is emphasized throughout the text, and some activities
were revised to make them more meaningful. Many of the activities may
be completed individually and then personally assessed. Each student
will also have the opportunity to participate within the group process in
order to facilitate the understanding and application of the theories and
concepts discussed in each chapter.

To emphasize the need for critical thinking skills, many of the
important concepts and ideas are highlighted through use of elements
titled—“Think about this”—“Check this Out”—“Consider this”— and
“How to.” A variety of new pictures and illustrations have been added,
and some new chapter quotes have been added.

The sociocultural perspective within the fi eld of human relations and
personal adjustment is having a much greater impact on our lives, and it
needs to be emphasized more and more. There is a continued emphasis
on diversity, including additional information on ethnicity, along with cul-
ture and gender. You will note the additional emphasis on the elements
titled “Focus on Diversity” and “Gender & You.”

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xii Preface

Updates to Each Chapter:

CHAPTER ONE

Revised coverage on disclosure
New material on mutual reward theory
New coverage on social networks
New activity—First Impressions
Revised Who Am I activity
Updated web resources

CHAPTER TWO

Revised Gender and You—Who is the Better Leader?
New material on personality types
Added some new strategies to improve self-esteem
New activity—The Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale
Updated web resources

CHAPTER THREE

Revised information on optimism
New material on law of effect
New activity—Are you an Optimist or a Pessimist?
Updated web resources

CHAPTER FOUR

Expanded good grief material
Revised Gender and You—Do Women Express More Emotions

than Men?
Expanded discussion of emotional intelligence
New activity—Emotional Expressivity Scale
Updated web resources

CHAPTER FIVE

New Did You Know?
Enhanced discussion of distance and space
New Diversity and You—Semantics
New coverage on Technology and Communication

New activity—How Well Do You Know Women and Men?
New activity—Personal Space
Updated web resources

CHAPTER SIX

New material on Internet dating
New Gender and You—What Characteristics Do I Desire in a

Potential Mate?
New coverage on the fi ve love languages
Enhanced discussion of cohabitation
Revised coverage on marriage, career and parenthood

Revised material on who divorces
New activity—Divorce Panel
Updated web resources

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Preface xiii

CHAPTER SEVEN

New Gender and You—Who Makes Decisions at Home
New material on strategies for handling confl ict
Revised mastering interpersonal confl ict

New coverage on The Pillow Method
New activity—The Pillow Method—Developing Empathy
Updated web resources

CHAPTER EIGHT

Updated information on causes of stress for college students
Enhanced discussion of physical effects of stress
Revised discussion of defense mechanisms
Revised tips for managing stress

New activity—Coping with Stress Inventory
Updated web resources

CHAPTER NINE

New chapter title—Values and Ethics
New coverage on types of value systems

New material on character and ethics
New coverage on guidelines for character development

New material on integrity and ethics
New activity—Guidelines for Character Development
Updated web resources

CHAPTER TEN

New chapter title—Life Planning
Revised How to Achieve Success

Updated discussion on happiness doesn’t depend on age
Revised discussion on wealth does not beget happiness
New activity—Your Life’s Activities

Features and Learning Aids

The book retains the features that have served users in the past. Included
in this eleventh edition are several helpful features and pedagogical tools
to enhance understanding and allow you to directly apply concepts that
will further develop your awareness of yourself and your relationship
with others.

To enhance the learning environment and to facilitate the process of
getting the reader more involved within the subject matter, the author
has included a variety of learning aids. They are:

INSIDE COVER . . .
FRONT . . . Different Drummers
BACK . . . Maya Angelou’s Words of Wisdom

THINK ABOUT THIS . . . each chapter begins with questions or a vignette
to heighten awareness of the concepts to be discussed in the chapter.

PHOTOS . . . new photos throughout text to add interest to the chapter
content.

QUOTES/POEMS . . . relate directly or indirectly to textual context.

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xiv Preface

TABLES . . . interesting, non-threatening tables to clarify textual
concepts.

CHECK THIS OUT or CONSIDER THIS . . . short vignettes or questions
to make students pause and refl ect upon issues addressed in the
chapter.

FOCUS ON DIVERSITY . . . issues dealing with diversity which are meant
to heighten awareness of diversity issues.

GENDER AND YOU . . . serves to highlight the differences that gender
plays on our roles in life.

STRATEGIES FOR . . . practical effective strategies are provided to aid
students in accomplishing various goals.

HOW TO . . . these boxes explain practical methods of dealing with
everyday issues.

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY . . . bulleted listings of important chapter
concepts.

TEST REVIEW QUESTIONS: LEARNING OUTCOMES . . . designed to aid
students to review important aspects of the chapter.

REFLECTIONS . . . questions designed to enhance class participation
and encourage critical thinking about chapter concepts.

KEY TERMS . . . located at the end of each chapter to provide a review
of terms and concepts covered in the chapter.

WEB SITE RESOURCES . . . designed for further reading and self-
exploration.

GLOSSARY . . . alphabetical listings of important words and phrases
for use as a quick reference.

INDEX . . . provides easy access to important concepts and terms in
the text.

REFERENCE SECTION . . . listed by chapter at the end of the text.

LEARNING JOURNAL . . . personalized evaluation of knowledge gained
from each chapter.

ACTIVITIES . . . fi ve or more activities at the end of each chapter allows
many different opportunities to become involved in the subject mat-
ter individually and within groups.

INSTRUCTOR’S MANUAL . . . has been updated with revised materials,
test questions, and visuals.

POWERPOINTS . . . designed to enhance discussion and encourage criti-
cal thinking.

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Acknowledgments Acknowledgments

I am grateful for the insightful suggestions and innovative ideas received
from David Stanton of Tarrant County College, Pam Gasper of Portland
Community College, Tobin Quereau of Austin Community College, Rich
Reiner of Rogue Community College, Carol Shapiro of South West State
University, and Gayle Hall of Tarrant County College.

I am also indebted to those who reviewed the earlier editions and
made suggestions that have been included in this revision: Dr. Mary
Jane Dickson, Eddie Sandoval, and Mary Ann Lee, Tarrant County Col-
lege; George Vaternick, Portland Community College; Jo Carolyn Miller,
in private practice in Dallas, Texas; Minister and former Human Relations
Professor, J. D. Phillips; and Jeannene Cox Ward, a Licensed Professional
Counselor.

Finally, I would like to acknowledge those individuals and publishers
who kindly gave us their permission to reprint their materials. In several
instances, we regret that even after diligent searching, we have not been
able to properly credit material being used. Some of the material has
been used for many years in classes and workshops with the result that
proper identifi cation has been lost, or we no longer are able to provide
source information as we would like. Because the material has proved to
be of great value, it is included in the book. I trust that eventually we will
be able to credit these authors with proper recognition for their work.

Velma Walker

About the Author About the Author

Dr. Velma Walker is a professor of psychology at Tarrant County College,
Northeast Campus in Hurst, Texas. Although she has specialized in human
relations courses for over 35 years at the college level, she has also been a
counselor and coordinator of student job placement and career informa-
tion. She has a bachelor’s degree in business administration/education; a
master’s degree in counseling and psychology, and a doctor of education
degree, with emphasis in counseling, psychology, and administration.
Dr. Walker is also a certifi ed mediator for confl ict resolution.

Dr. Walker has given human relations training seminars in the areas
of communication, motivation, stress management, time management,
and personality lifestyles for educators and business and professional
groups for over 33 years. She has also served as a teacher consultant for
the Educational Division of the Zig Ziglar Corporation. Dr. Walker is a
Multiple Year Honoree in Who’s Who Among America’s Teachers .

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155

Dealing with Emotions

It’s unfortunate that we’re never really taught how to show

emotion in ways that help our relationships. Instead, we
are usually told what we should not do. However, too little
emotion can make our lives seem empty and boring, while
too much emotion, poorly expressed, fi lls our interpersonal
lives with confl ict and grief. Within reason, some kind of
balance in the expression of emotion seems to be called for.

Gerald Egan
You and Me

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156 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

Would your feelings and emotions be similar to the feelings and emotions that
other people have when they are having the same experiences? How do you
feel when you are in love? Can you easily verbalize the words: “I love you?”
Do you verbally express your anger, or do you save your “bad” feelings and
explode at a later date? Could you talk about your feelings if your best friend
or someone very close to you died? How would you deal with your feelings if
your spouse walked out?

We know that our emotions play an important part in making our relations
with other people pleasant and joyful, or sad and painful. We also know that
what we respond to emotionally is learned. For example, we learn what situa-
tions or people stimulate our feelings of anger; we learn what situations produce
stress or anxiety for us; we learn what kinds of situations leave us with a sense of
guilt; and we learn which experiences help us to feel joyful and pleasant.

Because emotional responses and expressions are learned, we can learn
how to change emotional patterns that are self-defeating or harmful to our
growth towards self-actualization. We can also learn how to develop ways to
become more emotionally expressive.

In our society, people oft en experience alienation or lack of ability to
express emotions. And it sometimes appears that many of us have almost for-
gotten how to cry or laugh or express genuine feelings for ourselves and oth-
ers. Th erefore, we hope this chapter will help you become a more emotionally
mature person and help you better understand the reasons behind some of
your emotional reactions to certain people or situations. And we hope that
you will be able to get ideas about ways you can manage emotional patterns
that are giving you trouble in living with yourself and others.

What Are Emotions?

If someone asked you to explain emotions, what would you say? In all prob-
ability, you would say, “Th ey are the diff erent feelings I have.” You might even
give these feelings a label such as anger, love, hate, and so on. Now, suppose
someone asked you to explain the term feelings. Would you be likely to say,
“Th ey are the diff erent emotions I have?” And, you might even give these
emotions a label, such as anger, love, or hate. Th e point is, it is quite diffi cult
to separate the two; therefore, we will use the two interchangeably.

Think about this
How Would You Feel in Th ese Situations?

You have just turned on the TV and the screen is fi lled with smoke from the World Trade Center attack.
You are sad and afraid. No! Perhaps you are just in shock and extremely depressed.

It has fi nally happened! You have found that special person, and the two of you are discussing marriage.
You are soo—in love.

Once again, your boss said some critical, unfair things to you today. You are really angry.
Th e telephone rings, and you learn that one of your best friends has been killed in an accident. You are fi lled

with sadness and grief.
Your spouse has just come in and told you, quite unexpectedly, that he or she wants a divorce. You are very,

very hurt. No! Maybe you’re angry.

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 157

Actually, Dr. Daniel Goleman (2006), author of Emotional Intelligence,
defi nes emotion in this way:

“I take emotion to refer to a feeling and its distinctive thoughts, psy-
chological and biological states, and range of propensities to act.” Richard
Carlson (2007), in the New York Times bestseller, Don’t Sweat the Small
Stuff . . . and it’s all small stuff , says: Your “feelings act as a barometer, letting
you know what your internal weather is like.” Th erefore, we are going to think
of emotions as feelings that are experienced.

Without emotions, we would be little more than drab, colorless machines
that run the same way day aft er day. We would not know the happiness
of success or the pangs of disappointment. We would not experience joy
from the companionship of others and would feel no grief at their loss. We
would neither love nor hate. Pride, envy, and anger would be unknown to
us. We would not even be able to understand the joys and sorrows of oth-
ers. Roger-John and McWilliams (1994), in their book, Life 101, summarize
the impact of emotions with these thoughts: “We experience life’s pains and
pleasures through our emotions.”

Fortunately, we are not machines; we are humans. Th erefore, each of us,
young or old, male or female, is capable of having and expressing many diff er-
ent emotions. Although it is true that individuals experience and express their
emotions in many diff erent ways, psychologists generally agree that emotions
are very complex experiences, with at least four common characteristics:
physiological or internal changes, behavioral expressions, cognitive interpre-
tations, and motivational tendencies (Wood and Wood 2007). We will now
look more closely at these characteristics, as well as briefl y discuss the eff ect
our moods have on our emotional reactions.

Characteristics of Emotions

PHYSIOLOGICAL OR INTERNAL CHANGES. Let us assume
that you are walking alone at night when suddenly a large
object jumps in front of you. Would your neck muscles
tighten? Would your stomach possibly feel “funny”?
Would you be able to hear the sound of your heartbeat,
even when you later discovered that the “large object”
was just a box blowing in the wind? Would you still
be breathing faster? What would be happening inside
of you? How do you feel inside when you are nervous,
frightened, or angry?

As the question suggests, a main characteristic
of emotional states is that they involve physiological
changes.

When our emotions are aroused, there are physi-
ological changes over which we have no control. In strong fear and anger, you
do not tell your adrenal glands to pump adrenaline into the bloodstream so
that you will have extra energy. Th ese physiological changes in the nervous
system are nature’s way of preparing you to react faster, harder, and for longer
periods of time. In essence, your whole body is mobilized for action—you are
physiologically ready to run or fi ght.

When you experience strong feelings, the internal changes in your body
contribute to your feelings. For example, in grief or depression, there is a

T he feelings or emotional
aspects of life lie pretty

close to the value and signifi cance
of life itself.

J. B. WATSON

Why do you feel so tired when you’re depressed?

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158 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

reduction of pulse rate, breathing, and muscular strength. Consequently, you
feel tired.

BEHAVIORAL EXPRESSIONS. Even though emotions are felt internally, they
oft en lead to observable expressions. Th ese expressions may come in the form
of a blush, trembling hands, sweating palms, or a tremor in the voice. Behav-
ioral expressions can also include crying, laughing, cursing, kicking a chair,
or even hitting another person. Sometimes people will deny they are feel-
ing anything, even though their external and behavioral expressions indicate
something else. We will discuss some suggestions for verbally expressing feel-
ings later in the chapter.

COGNITIVE INTERPRETATION. While it is true that there is some connec-
tion between physical behavior and emotional states, in most situations, our
emotions cannot be separated from our mental lives. Cognitive appraisals are
an essential part of the experience. Realistically, individuals are constantly
appraising the events they experience for their personal implications: Do I
care about what is happening? Is it good or bad for me? Can I do anything
about it? Is this matter going to get better or worse? Can I cope? Psychologist
Arnold Lazarus (2000a) believes that the cognitions involved in emotion range
from your immediate perceptions of a specifi c event to your general philoso-
phy of life. For example, do you see the glass as half empty or half full?

Cognitive appraisals also help explain why people diff er in the intensity
of their emotions. Cognitive therapists Albert Ellis and Robert Harper (1998)
believe our thoughts, beliefs, and prior experiences will color the way we view
an event and, thus, profoundly infl uence our emotional reaction to that event.
Two people confronted with the same situation may interpret it in a diff erent
way and, therefore, respond with diff erent feelings.

Actually, we go through life describing the world to ourselves, giving each
event or experience some label. We make interpretations of what we see and
hear; we predict whether they will bring danger or relative safety. Sometimes,
these thoughts are very powerful, and as you will discover in chapter eight,
they can create most of the major stresses we experience in life.

MOTIVATIONAL TENDENCIES. Emotions themselves may function as motives,
directing you toward pleasant situations and away from those that are
emotionally unsatisfying, anxiety provoking, or painful. In fact, the root
of the word emotion means to move , indicating the close relationship
between motivation and emotion (Kagan 2009). In essence, when you are
feeling a particular way, you are going to do certain things because of that
feeling, in spite of that feeling, or to avoid or change that feeling. Another
way of saying this would be: You do what makes you feel good, and you avoid
what makes you feel bad. UCLA psychologist Gary Emery (2000) explains
this further:

Pleasure motivates you to move toward something. Your pleasure feelings,
for example, motivate you to move toward a certain crowd of people (“Th ey
think my jokes are funny!”); you continue to interact with these people until
it no longer feels good (“Th ey made fun of me because I don’t drink”).

Anxiety motivates you to run or escape from a possible loss (“I had to run
for my life”).

Anger motivates you to fi ght against a perceived loss (“I had to fi ght for
my life”). You yell or you attack someone to get rid of your angry feelings,
even though you know your outburst will make matters worse.

T here is nothing good or bad
but thinking makes it so.

SHAKESPEARE, HAMLET

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 159

Sadness motivates you to shut down and withdraw aft er a loss. If you lose
money in the stock market, your sad feelings motivates you to be much
more cautious playing the market and protect the money you have left .

MOODS. Before we leave our discussion of the characteristics of emotions,
we need to briefl y discuss the eff ect our moods have on how we respond
emotionally. Your moods are a general feeling tone, and they have a defi –
nite infl uence on your emotions. Stated another way, Gardner (2002) says,
“Our mood generally informs about the general state
of our being.” Even though we do not like to admit it,
our moods are oft en evident to others: For example,
“Don’t ask Mr. Jones for a day off —he’s really grouchy”
or “Mrs. Smith is in such a good mood today, I bet we
can talk her out of the test today.”

Th ink for a moment and try to recall how your
moods aff ect your emotions. Are you ever grouchy for
no reason at all? Do you know what puts you in a bad
mood? Oft en, we do not know what event or events
put us in a particular mood; hence the old saying, I just
woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Now that we have a better idea of what emotions
are and how they aff ect us, we will discuss some of the
emotions which cause us the most diffi culty.

Types of Emotions

At this point, you may be asking, “Just how many emotions are there?” We
really do not know the answer to this question, because our emotions include
many subjective factors and individual diff erences. Our language is rich with
words to describe our emotions. Table 4.1 gives a partial list of some common
emotions we experience.

In a way, this list only represents labels we give to our feelings. Perhaps
we need to explain these labels further. One way we can do this is to identify
emotions or feelings as either primary, mixed, mild, or intense.

PRIMARY AND MIXED EMOTIONS. Psychologists who study emotions have
made up lists of certain basic emotions. Robert Plutchik (2002) identifi ed eight
primary emotions : joy, acceptance, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, and
anticipation. Th e emotion wheel (see Figure 4.1) illustrates that these primary
emotions are inside the perimeter of the circle. He suggests that these primary

Th e fully human being is aware of the vitality of his senses, emotions,
mind, and will; and he is neither a stranger to, nor afraid of, the activities
of his body and emotions. He is capable of the whole gamet of emotions:
from grief to tenderness. What I mean, is that the fully human being
experiences the fullness of his emotional life; he is in touch with, attuned to
his emotions, aware of what they are saying to him about his needs and his
relationships with others.

Carl Rogers
On Becoming a Person

The Fully Human Being

Do you get upset by things that you can’t control?

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160 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

Table 4.1 Some Emotions: How Do You Feel Today?
accepted envious insecure sad

afraid exhilarated intimidated sentimental

aggravated fearful isolated self-relian

angry friendly jealous shy

annoyed frightened joyful sincere

anxious glad lazy sorry

ashamed grieving lonely supported

bitter guilt-free loved surprised

calm guilty loving tense

cautious happy optimistic terrifi ed

cheerful helpful out-of-control tired

comfortable hopeless overcontrolled trusting

confi dent hostile pessimistic uneasy

confused humiliated powerful unsure

contented hurried powerless uptight

defeated hurt puzzled vulnerable

defensive impatient regretful wanted

depressed inadequate relieved weak

embarrassed incompetent resentful worried

energetic inferior restless

feelings can combine to form other mixed emotions , some of
which are listed outside the circle: love, submission, awe, disap-
pointment, remorse, contempt, aggressiveness, optimism, etc.

Psychologist Gary Emery (2000), however, indicates that
there are only four basic emotions: mad, sad, glad, and scared.
He suggests that all the other emotions we experience are just
derivatives of these basic four. For example, too much sadness
becomes depression, too much gladness becomes mania, too
much fear becomes panic, and too much anger becomes rage.

Although you may not agree with the specifi c primary and
secondary emotions just identifi ed, you would probably agree
that it is possible to experience several diff erent emotions at the
same time. For example, consider the following example.

You are going to have some friends over for hamburgers.
Your date is going to help you get ready for your guests and
also act as a host for the evening. An hour before your date
is due at your house, you get a call that he has an unexpected
guest from out-of-town arriving and will be unable to join
you and your friends. Your date tells you that this is just an
“old friend” he used to date, and she is only going to be in
town for the evening.

Now, would you just be angry? No, you would probably be hurt, jealous,
and even embarrassed that you are the only one without a date. Th e point is, an
emotional event can create a wide range of feelings. We generally communicate
only one feeling, however, usually the most negative one. In this case, it would
probably be your anger. Could your anger become a problem for you? Let’s see!

Love

Subm
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en

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Contem
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gg

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es
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Op
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Surprise

Fea
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ta
nc

Anticipation

An
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gu
st

Sadness

Joy

Figure 4.1 The emotion wheel: primary and mixed
emotions.

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 161

INTENSE AND MILD EMOTIONS. We have discussed that it is human to have
and express emotions and that our emotions have a lot to do with how much
pleasure and enjoyment we get out of life. Our emotions can have negative
eff ects, however, and cause problems for us. For example, strong emotions
such as fear, depression, anger, and hate can disrupt our functioning and abil-
ity to relate to other people.

Generally, our emotions begin to have negative eff ects when they are
viewed as being excessive in intensity and duration (Ellis 2001) . For exam-
ple, if intense emotions linger, your ability to get enjoyment from life may
be increasingly decreased. It is perfectly normal to be sad when someone
close to you dies. However, if you are still depressed about this three years
later, this sustained, intense emotion may be a problem for you. For example,
other people may want to avoid being with you, because you are so sad and
probably feeling sorry for yourself!

How about another example? Have you ever had to get up in front of a
group and give a speech? How did you feel? A “little bit” of anxiety before a
speech can help you prepare and do a more eff ective job in delivery. Total fear,
however, will probably cause you to be unable to concentrate on preparing
adequately for the speech. In some cases, intense anxiety can cause you to
stammer and forget important aspects of your speech.

Now, let us answer the question concerning your date who did not show
for dinner: When could your anger become a problem for you? It would be
normal for you to be angry if you were left in this situation. If this anger
becomes so bad that you awoke for “nights on end” and “stewed” about your
anger, or even tried to harm your date and his “guest,” then your intense anger
or rage would be a problem for you.

Consequently, we say that when mild, emotions can be facilitative —they
assist us in preparing for the future, solving problems, and in doing what is
best for us. However, intense, sustained emotions can be debilitative —they
disrupt our overall functioning (Ellis 2001). For example, we may experience
diffi culty in performing certain tasks, such as passing a test or giving a speech,
and in solving problems—“stewing” over that date who did not show up for
dinner.

What are we trying to say? Essentially, emotions can serve a purpose in
one situation and in other situations may serve as a hindrance. Specifi cally,
what emotions cause us the most diffi culty?

Living with Problem Emotions

Some emotions cause more diffi culties than others: fear, anxiety, anger, guilt,
grief, and love are such emotions which are experienced oft en and with mixed
reactions.

Fear

We all experience the emotion of fear. It can take many forms, serve many
purposes, and create many diff erent responses. It is important to distinguish
fear from anxiety (Ellis 2000).

A specifi c situation or object elicits fear , whereas anxiety is objectless.
Th erefore, we speak of fear when we think we know what we’re afraid of
and anxiety when we’re unsure.

B e careful of anger; it’s just one letter away from danger.
UNKNOWN

O f all the passions, fear weakens judgment most.
CARDINAL DE RETZ

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162 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

TYPES OF FEAR. You may feel the emotion of fear as a type of warning that
danger is near. Th is warning may take the form of an external “cue,” or it
may refl ect your learning. For example, if you walked into your house and
a burglar carrying a gun met you in the hallway, you would feel frightened.
Th is feeling of fear was caused by an external force. Sometimes fear reactions
are learned through past associations. You might be afraid of thunderstorms

because your father had a tendency to believe that lightning could
result in a tornado. Aft er all, his mother had been killed in a tornado
when he was quite young.

Although most of the above examples refl ect physical dangers,
we also have fears of being left out of the crowd, of being ridiculed,
of being a failure, or of being rejected. For example, if you have ever
been rejected in a relationship, you may be afraid of getting involved
in another relationship again. Actually, this is a good example of where
you are really experiencing mixed emotions. Is it fear you are feeling,
or is it hurt? Could it be that you want to protect yourself from get-
ting hurt again? Th is type of fear/hurt is one that takes time to work
through. Aft er all, do you really want your “bad feelings” from one rela-
tionship to “rob” you of the opportunity to have a healthy and satisfying
relationship with someone else?

Some people have a personal fear of failure. Have you been wanting
or at least considering a fi nancial, personal, or scholastic risk? What is
the worst that could happen if you did experience a disappointment?
Could you cope with that? Remember that even if you do fail, some good
can come from it. How did you learn to walk? You did not just jump
up from your crib one day and waltz gracefully across the room. You
stumbled and fell on your face and got up and tried again. David Burns
(1999) makes some valid points in the following thoughts:

At what age are you suddenly expected to know everything and never
make any more mistakes? If you can love and respect yourself in failure,
worlds of adventure and new experiences will open up before you, and
your fears will vanish.

We will have more to say on the fear of failure and learning to take risks
in chapter ten.

How do you handle your fears? Because fear and anxiety are closely
related, below are some suggestions for dealing with these emotions. First
of all, let us get a clearer picture of the sometimes troublesome emotion of
anxiety.

T he fear of disapproval is a
strong one, and it takes the

courage of principles to act in the
face of it.

MARTIN GRODER

How To
Face Your Fears and Anxieties
1. Admit your fears. It is one thing to mask your anxieties with physical and creative activities;

but if these activities become avoidance techniques, anxiety eventually increases.

2. Take risks. Fear does not go away unless you take chances to make your dreams come true.
You will gain new strength and improved self-esteem with each accomplishment.

How do you feel when you have to speak in front
of a group?

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 163

I believe that courage is all
too often mistakenly seen as

the absence of fear. If you
descend by rope from a cliff and
are not fearful to some degree,
you are either crazy or unaware.
Courage is seeing your fear in
a realistic perspective, defi ning
it, considering the alternatives
and choosing to function
in spite of risk.

LEONARD ZUNIN

Anxiety

As we mentioned earlier, when the basis for our fear is not understood, we are
experiencing anxiety. Actually, anxiety is an unpleasant, threatening feeling
that something bad is about to happen. Rollo May (1973) in his book, Man’s
Search for Himself, states:

Anxiety is the feeling of “gnawing” within, of being “trapped and
overwhelmed.” Anxiety may take all forms and intensities, for it is the
human being’s reaction to a danger to his existence, or to some value he
identifi es with existence. . . . It is the quality of an experience which makes
it anxiety rather than the quantity.

TYPES OF ANXIETY. Many times the basis of our anxiety is so vague it is very
diffi cult to explain what we are really feeling. As Rollo May suggests above, anx-
iety may occur in slight or great intensity. It may be mild tension before going
for an important job interview; or it may be mild apprehension before taking
an examination in your educational endeavors. Th ese are common examples of
preparation anxiety , which help us get energized to deliver our best.

Th e emotional tension that we commonly refer to as anxiety also func-
tions as a signal of potential danger. For example, “I better study for that test,
or I will fl unk!” However, when the quality of the threatening experience is
blown way out of proportion to the actual danger posed, and to the point
that our anxiety hinders daily functioning, it becomes “neurotic” anxiety .
A common example of this is when a student loses his “cool” over a test:
“I can’t do it—I just know I am going to fl unk” and goes totally blank. Is this
normal anxiety or neurotic anxiety?

Worry is also a form of anxiety (Leahy 2005). For example, it is normal
for people to worry about future events they are going to be involved in and
whose outcome they are uncertain about. However, some people worry and
lose sleep, lose sleep and worry even more, over “things” that never happen.
Does this ever happen to you? In recent years, researchers have learned
that there is a genetic component to anxiety; some people seem to be born
worriers (Gorman 2002).

Th e diff erence in normal and “neurotic anxiety” may be in one’s ability to
handle or cope with the anxiety-producing situation. Just ask yourself, “Am
I in control of this situation, or is the anxiety controlling how I react to this
situation?”

Th e fears that resulted from the attacks on the World Trade Center
have been minimal for some individuals, and for others the anxiety has led
to extreme overreactions. In the wake of the most horrendous attacks in

3. Acknowledge the positive. Anxious people tend to overlook their own strengths. When
you are scared, make a conscious effort to remember some past positive experiences
instead of focusing on your failures.

4. Avoid catastrophic thinking. Ask yourself what the worst possible outcome of the situation
could be. Having faced the worst possibility makes it easier to deal with what does come.

5. Stay in the present. Much anxiety is the result of projecting yourself into future situations.
Stay focused in the present—here and now—because that is all you can control anyway.

6. Have patience. If you are overwhelmed at the thought of confronting an anxiety
triggering situation, take it one step at a time. Do not get in a hurry.

W orry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow;
it empties today of its strength.

CORRIE TEN BOOM

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164 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

American history, it is healthy to feel some fear. Dr. Brad Schmidt (2002), of
Ohio State University and an expert on fear, reminds us, “Just don’t allow that
fear to defeat you.”

Anger

Anger is a signal that tells us that we do not like what is going on. Anger refers
to a feeling of extreme displeasure, usually brought about by interference
with our needs or desires. Ultimately, your anger is caused by your belief that
someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust. Th e intensity of the anger
will increase in proportion to the severity of the maliciousness perceived and
if the act is seen as intentional (Larsen 1992).

Th erefore, anger can range from mild to very strong. Carol Tavris (1989)
has identifi ed several forms of anger:

Hate may be thought of as intense anger felt toward a specifi c person or
persons.

Annoyance is used to describe a mild form of anger.
Rage describes intense anger and implies that the anger is expressed

through violent physical activity.
Hostility is a mild form of anger/hate directed to a specifi c person or

group; oft en it is unintentionally conveyed to others either verbally or
nonverbally.

Resentment is chronic anger that may be entirely subjective. It is a com-
bination of the emotions and actions and thought patterns resulting from
our unresolved anger at an injustice. Resentment comes from anger just as
smoke comes from fi re.

Anger does not go away if we ignore it, deny it exists, or fail to resolve it.
Instead, it goes “underground” where it makes “sneak attacks” on our health
and interpersonal relationships. Buried anger can also surface the next time
an emotional crisis comes along, intensifying the impact of that crisis on us.

N ever answer an angry word with an angry word. It is the
second one that makes the
quarrel.

W. A. NANCE

How To
Control Your Anger

ANGER DO’S AND DON’TS

Do speak up when an issue is important to you. Don’t strike while the iron is hot.

Do take time out to think about the problem
and clarify your position.

Don’t use “below-the-belt” tactics.

Do speak in “I” language. Don’t make vague requests.

Do try to appreciate the fact that people are
different.

Don’t tell another person what she or he
thinks or feels or “should” think or feel.

Do recognize that each person is responsible
for his or her own behavior.

Don’t participate in intellectual arguments
that go nowhere.

Do try to avoid speaking through a third party. Don’t expect change to come about from
hit-and-run confrontations.

Lerner 2005.

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 165

Anger most oft en begins with a loss or the threat of a loss, such as
(Lerner 1997):

Loss of self-esteem. We get angry when we think we have failed or
“let ourselves” down.

Loss of face. Public exposure of one’s failures or inadequacies can be both
humiliating and infuriating.

Th reat of physical harm or violence. Anger helps activate our instinct for
self-preservation.

Loss of valued possessions, skills, or abilities. Regardless of who is to
blame, losing something we are proud of can cause both hurt and anger.

Loss of a valued role. If we lose a part of our life, such as a job, that is
important to our identity, we may feel angry at having the role removed.

Loss of valued relationships. Anger is oft en a response to the loss of an
important relationship.

Now stop and think for a moment about the times you have experienced
genuine anger. Do you agree that your anger began with some loss or even
the threat of a loss you incurred? Which type of loss just described were you
dealing with?

From these losses then, there are four psychological reactions to anger.
Th ey are:

1. seeing yourself as a victim,
2. feeling discounted or ignored,
3. feeling powerless,
4. looking for justice and revenge.

In dealing with these psychological reactions to anger, it is important to
remember three characteristics of anger.

Anger is neither right nor wrong. Everybody gets angry. Haim Ginott
(2003) confi rms this but provides some limits, too:

You have the right to get angry, but you do not have the right to attack
other people or their character traits.

Anger can be released in a right or wrong way. It is important to remem-
ber that anger released in inappropriate ways destroys relationships. Th is
most oft en occurs when we displace our anger toward important people
onto other relationships. In this way, anger at a boss gets defl ected onto
our spouse; anger at a spouse onto our child, and so on. Because we trust
them to accept us as we are, we oft en unconsciously choose our strongest
relationships as a “dumping ground” for our anger (Simon 2005).

You are vulnerable when angry. You may say or act in ways that are totally
uncharacteristic of you. Sometimes anger causes more anger. Uncontrolled
anger leads to bitterness, hatred, and even violence. If your local newspa-
per carries a brief synopsis of the daily police reports, we encourage you
to take notice of the assaults and even murders that occur because people
are angry and lose control of their emotions. Sometimes people even strike
out at others with aggressive behavior.

AGGRESSION. Aggression is any behavior that is intended to hurt someone,
either verbally or physically (Weiten 2009). Curses and insults are much
more common than shootings or fi stfi ghts, but aggresson of any kind can be
a real problem. Why do people behave in such fashion? Some psychologists

D o not permit the body to act out your desire to attack.
HUGH PRATHER

I f you are patient in one
moment of anger, you will

escape a hundred days of sorrow.

CHINESE PROVERB

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166 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

believe that aggression is largely learned in humans. Albert Bandura (2008),
a proponent of social learning theory, indicates that aggressive models in
the subculture, the family, and the media all play a part in increasing the
level of aggression in our society. In fact, the glorifi cation or revenge in real
life and in the entertainment industry are infl uences that cannot be denied
(Begley 1999).

EXPRESSING ANGER. Th e question now might be: How do I express my anger?
Carol Tavris (1989) suggests that we have been told if we ventilate our anger,
we will experience the following:

improved communication and closeness with the target of our anger,
have physiological relief and catharsis,

solve problems instead of brooding about them, and
we will just feel better because we got “rid” of the anger.

Tavris goes on further to say that sometimes we get the benefi ts of this list,
but most frequently, we get exactly the opposite:

decreased communication and feelings of closeness with the target of our
anger,

physiological arousal and even higher blood pressure,
the problem becomes worse, and

we frequently just rehearse the anger and get angrier.

Th e question then is, how can I ensure the benefi ts and avoid the “exact
opposites?” Psychologist Harriet Lerner (1997) feels that the expression of
anger provides maximum results when the Do’s and Don’ts on page 164 are
followed. Also, you will fi nd the discussion dealing with resolving interper-
sonal confl ict through the use of “I” messages in chapter seven helpful in deal-
ing with your anger.

Anger is a very powerful emotion and one that requires a balance between
spontaneous expression and rational control. It is helpful to remember that
when you are angry at someone, you are the one with the problem; therefore,
you must be the one to correct the problem.

How about learning to shift your anger from an emotional level to an
intellectual level? Redford Williams, director of the Behavioral Medicine
Research Center at Duke University Medical Center in Durham, North
Carolina, suggests asking yourself four questions whenever you feel angry:
1) Is this important? 2) Is my anger appropriate? 3) Is the situation modifi –
able? and 4) Is it worth taking action? Such evaluation helps convert your
anger into rational thought. Th e anger is then under your control. Williams
further suggests that if the answers to those questions are all “yes,” decide
what result you want, make a plan, and follow it. Even one “no” means you
need to change your angry reaction and move on (Foltz-Gray 2002).

Guilt

Another powerful emotion that can rule our lives is that of guilt. David Burns
(1999) indicates that guilt is anger directed at ourselves—at what we did or
did not do. We feel a sense of guilt when we have violated our conscience,
our internalized standards of good and bad (Duff y and Atwater 2008). Guilt ,
in its simplest form, is the realization of sorrow over having done something
morally, socially, or ethically wrong. Experts in human behavior report that

A clear understanding of the signifi cance of our misdeeds
is emotionally healthier than
hopeless misery afterward.

DR. THEODORE REIK

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 167

unjustifi ed, excessive guilt can sour our enjoyment of living, disrupt our social
and business lives, worry, dishearten, and even humiliate us. It can cause
fears and anxieties and even torment a person to the point of suicide. As you
can see, tragedy and much human suff ering have been triggered by needless
feelings of guilt.

Without question, guilt can literally paralyze us, making us totally unable
to function as human beings. Is guilt all bad, however? Sidney Jourard has an
answer for us (Richards and Schumrum 1999):

Guilt itself is a desirable human emotion in the sense that it enables us
to recognize what we have done wrong, when we have violated our own
consciences and the mores of our society. Most of us have been brought
up to believe that all guilt is harmful, unnecessary, and should be eradi-
cated. Th at’s as wrong as saying all germs are bad. If we never felt guilt,
we would not learn in school, do our jobs properly, obey traffi c rules, feed
and clothe our children, work for our families, have good relationships
with loved ones, or live in harmony within our communities or with one
another. In short, guilt is our society’s regulator.

G uilt is feeling bad for what you have done or not done,
while shame is feeling bad for
who you are, measured against
some standard of perfection or
acceptability.

HAROLD KUSHNER

How To
Deal with Guilt
Examine why you feel guilty. Take a long inward look, seeking the reason for your feelings.
It is important to remember that powerful guilt feelings are sometimes pushed far beneath
the layers of our conscious thinking. In such cases, professional help may be needed to help
bring them to the surface. The point is to fi nd out exactly why you feel guilty.

Determine whether you really need to feel guilty. Reappraise all the rules that have been
set down for you during your lifetime. Take a whole new look at the principles, not created
by yourself, but prescribed by parents, friends, society, and others. Are these principles
realistic and valid for you at your stage of life and relevant in the society in which you now
live and work?

Do what is right for you. Make decisions that sound “good” to you. No one can tell you how
you should live your life. You must make your own decisions about what is right and what is
wrong. Do not live your life by listening to what other people say you should or should not do.
Obviously, you will have to accept the consequences of your choices, but be your own person.

Forgive yourself . Learn to accept the fact that perfection is an unattainable ideal. Mistakes
happen. If you have done something morally or ethically wrong, accept it and forget it.
Apologize if you can or correct the misdeed in whatever way is proper. Say nothing if you will
hurt someone else grievously, recognizing that “telling all” is actually asking for punishment
to ease your sense of guilt. It is possible to feel sorry about something without feeling guilty.
The point is that you will need to tell yourself and also internalize that you have done
something wrong, that it was wrong, and that it is now behind you.

Nobody is born with a conscience. It does not come as standard equip-
ment, like the survival instinct or sex drive. Sigmund Freud (1936) states:
“Babies are ‘notoriously amoral’ . . . they have no inhibitions against their
pleasure-seeking impulses.”

I t hurts to lose something
important. It hurts worse to

pretend otherwise. To expect
more than reality can offer only
sets you up to hurt badly and
needlessly.

DAVID VISCOTT

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168 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

Grief and Bereavement

Coping with losing a loved one is one of life’s more diffi cult, yet inevitable
tasks. Grief and bereavement , sometimes even referred to as mourning,
can be defi ned as “to be deprived.” Th e grief process consists of 1) freeing
ourselves emotionally from the loss, 2) readjusting to life without this loss,
3) resuming ordinary activities and forming new relationships (Dickenson
and Leming 2007).

Grief has long been broken down into stages. One cycle made famous
by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. (1997) uses stages of denial, anger, bargain-
ing, depression, and acceptance. However, researchers have shown that stages
don’t always apply. Camille Wortman, Ph.D. and Roxane Cohen Silver, Ph.D.
have found that there are individual patterns of grieving. For example, some
people suff er profound grief, some interminable grief, and others show no
distress at all. Furthermore, while some people recover in a year, some indi-
viduals fi nd the second year to be much worse, and others have diffi culty for
several years. It all depends on the individual, the relationship of the loss, and
the circumstances surrounding the loss (Greenberg 2003). Th ere is no correct
way to grieve (Freeman 2005). It is interesting to note that some individuals
even use a deceased person’s MySpace page to express their grief, and con-
nect with the person they lost.

DEALING WITH THE LOSS. While there are individual diff erences in how peo-
ple grieve, some common reactions might be sense of shock and disbelief,
especially when death occurs unexpectedly. When we’ve been anticipating a
person’s death, the initial response may be subdued, accompanied by a sense
of relief. In general, there are oft en memories of the deceased, and feelings
of expected sadness to various degrees of depression are very, very common.
Negative emotions, such as anger and guilt, may even surface, particularly
if the loss was due to suicide. For example, we may even ask: Why did that
person abandon me? What could I have done diff erently? Regardless of the
circumstances surrounding the loss, we may have feelings of guilt over things
we said, did, or feel we should have done while the person was still alive. It
is not even uncommon to have “survivor’s guilt,” that is, feeling guilty simply
because we are still alive and the other person is not.

W e cannot become separate people, responsible people,
connected people, refl ective
people without some losing and
leaving and letting go.

JUDITH VIORST

T he only path away from
suffering is to embrace the

suffering.

M. SCOTT PECK

It is important to emphasize that we never get over the loss of someone
to whom we feel especially close. We just learn to adjust to the loss. We get
used to the loss, and we “reinvest” in a new reality. Grief-work , the process

How To
Assist a Grieving Friend
Don’t force your method of grieving: Respect what the person wants.

Avoid minimizing the loss: Never tell the person to “get over it.” Be patient.

Be a better listener: Be aware of your feelings; and know you can’t solve the problem.

Be with the mourner: Communicate—“I’m here for you.”

Greenberg 2003 .

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 169

W hatever things make your life most meaningful, plan to do
them before it’s too late. The
greatest lesson we may learn from
the dying is simply LIVE, so you
do not have to look back and say,
“God, how I wasted my life.”

ELISABETH KÜBLER-ROSS

of freeing ourselves emotionally from the deceased and readjusting to life
without that person, takes time. You will need a strong support system of
family and friends to aide you in your progress. (Some of the suggestions
above may be helpful in assisting a grieving friend.) People who are fortunate
to work through their grief may eventually fi nd it becomes a positive growth
experience—sometimes called good grief (Welshons and Dyer 2003).

Granger Westburg (2004), author of Good Grief, explains the results of
good grief as the following:

1. We come out of a grief experience at a slightly higher level of maturity
than before.

2. We come out of grief as deeper persons, because we have been down in
the depths of despair and we know what it’s like.

3. We come out of it stronger, for we have had to learn how to use our
spiritual muscles to climb the rugged mountain trails.

4. We come out of it better able to help others. We have walked through
the valley of the shadow of grief. We can understand.

Love

Countless volumes have been written about the subject love. Yet, do we really
understand the true meaning of love? You will have the opportunity to explore
love as it relates to more intimate relationships in chapter six. Th erefore,
our discussion in this chapter will be limited to the learned attitudes
that interfere with our ability to give and receive love, as well as the use
and misuse of love.

LEARNED ATTITUDES. Certainly, our ideas about love are shaped by
childhood experiences. If your parents hug you and tell you how great
you are, hugs and praises become a part of your vocabulary of love. If
they slap you and tell you you are stupid, however, you may conclude
that in some odd way, abuse is part of a loving relationship. Why would
you do this? From a child’s perspective: “Th ese people are my parents;
parents love their children; therefore, the way my parents love me is
loving behavior.”

We also grow up assuming that others will fi nd the same things lov-
able that our parents did. For example, if we are lucky, our parents love
us unconditionally and continue to love us even when they do not love
our behavior or when we disagree with them. Consequently, we grew up
believing that we deserved to be loved just because we are who we are.

If, however, our parents loved us only when we were compliant and
undemanding, we may have mistakenly learned that compliance was
loving behavior. Th erefore, we assume that we should not make demands
on those we love. In essence, our parents’ loving us only when we pleased
them taught us that we must always be pleasing or risk losing love.

USE AND MISUSE OF LOVE. Th ere are also problems we encounter through
the misuse of the emotion, love. Because love is such a powerful and yet com-
plicated emotion, we may even have a tendency to “smother” other people
because we “love” them. Do we love them in the appropriate manner?

Psychiatrist Dr. Foster Cline (2002) makes an interesting comment
about the misuse of love: “Love becomes a problem when it gets in the way
of our allowing individuals the right to experience the consequences of their
choices.” For example, what about the countless hours spent in enabling a

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170 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

child or spouse who has a drug or alcohol problem? Why do we fi nd it diffi cult
for those we love to suff er the consequences of their choices? Th e answer is
simple: We love them, and we do not like to see those we love suff er—we want
to spare them their pain.

Remember, to let go is not to care for, but to care about.

Th e reality is that love can mean letting go of the responsibility we
sometimes impose on ourselves to “take care” of those we love. It is in the
best interest of those we love to let them assume the responsibility for mak-
ing their choices and the consequences of those choices. When we jump
in and smother them, we take away their choices and their freedom to be

T o be loved because of one’s merit, because one deserves
it, always leaves doubt; maybe
I did not please the person whom
I want to love me, maybe this
or that—there is always a fear
that love could disappear.
Furthermore, “deserved” love
easily leaves a bitter feeling that
one is not loved for oneself, that
one is loved only because one
pleases, that one is, in the last
analysis, not loved but used.

ERICH FROMM

Letting Go
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
It’s the realization I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable,
But to allow learning from natural consequence.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,
Which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
It’s to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
But to care about.

To let go is not to fi x,
But to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
But to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
But to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
It’s to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
But to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
But instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
But to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
But to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
But grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

Author unknown

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 171

self-suffi cient human beings. In essence, we have done
them a major injustice, quite the opposite of what we
really believe we are doing. Th is is extremely diffi cult
for people to accept, and it takes a great deal of time
to work through this emotional understanding of the
true meaning of love.

Another misuse of love is when we fi nd ourselves or
others using love as a control agent—“If you loved me,
you would do this . . ., or you wouldn’t do this.” Do we
really understand what we are saying? Th is is obviously
a strong form of manipulation and can totally destroy
whatever love and caring there may be in a relationship.

Although there are many defi nitions of love, in
the fi nal analysis, love may truly be the desire to see
another individual become all he or she can be as a
person—with room to breathe and grow; and it may
be caring as much about another person’s well being
as we do our own. Th is is true whether our love be for a spouse, friend, child,
or co-worker.

EXPRESSING LOVE. Certainly, there are many types of love relationships.
Depending upon the relationship involved, the true meaning of love will be
expressed in various ways. Some people have trouble saying the words, “I love
you!” Instead, they show their love by buying presents or doing nice things
for those they love. Obviously, for one who says, “I love you” frequently, it
is diffi cult to understand why another person cannot “spit” the words out.

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How To
Expand Your Ability to Love
Express yourself . You have positive feelings, so put them into words: “Our relationship means
a lot to me,” “I like being with you,” “I love you.”

Love yourself . Self-love is the opposite of selfi shness, not the same thing. If you do not love
yourself, you cannot love someone else.

Be tolerant . You can love and be loved without sharing exactly the same opinions, values,
and personality traits. Do not make constant agreement your main criterion for love. This is
unrealistic.

Hang in there . You are vulnerable and there is always the risk of hurt, but do not give up at
the fi rst sign of trouble. Relationships can be diffi cult but rewarding.

Learn to be alone . You cannot be happy until you can be happy being alone. Do not ask
another person to be your “security blanket.” If you love someone, give the person room to
breathe and grow while you keep your distance.

Grow up . Immature love says, “I love you because I need you”; or “I love because I am loved.”
Mature love says, “I need you because I love you”; or “I am loved because I love.”

Practice . The more you practice developing a loving attitude, the more love you will attract.
The more frequently you say, “I really care about you,” “I love you,” the more comfortable you
will become in expressing these loving words.

From The Art of Loving (Fromm 2000) and Love: What Life Is all About (Buscaglia 1996).

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172 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

People, however, express their emotions in diff erent ways. Although it is true
that adults who did not know love as a child have a greater diffi culty learn-
ing how to express love, it is never too late to develop or expand our ability
to love.

Now that we have a better idea of how some of our more common emo-
tions aff ect us, we will discuss how we got to be feeling persons. Th e chapter
concludes with a discussion on learning how to express emotions, as well as
the benefi ts to be derived in achieving a balance between emotional expres-
sion and emotional control.

Development of Emotions

From early infancy, human beings display tendencies toward responding emo-
tionally. Most authorities agree that heredity does predispose us towards fairly
specifi c emotional tendencies (Jung 1923). For example, one child develops a
natural tendency to react calmly to most emotional stimuli, whereas another
shows a tendency to react quickly and intensely to all emotional stimuli.

An infant’s fi rst emotional expression is crying. For several months, babies
will continue to show their excitement by crying when they feel like doing so.
Aft er a few weeks, they have learned to distinguish and respond to two basic
emotions— distress and delight. Bodily discomfort (a wet diaper or hunger)
brings forth the earliest unpleasant reaction, known as distress . Delight , the
earliest pleasant reaction, appears several weeks aft er distress, in the form of
smiling, gurgling, and other babyish sounds of joy.

Soon, we become more aware of the world within us and the world out-
side us. Consequently, we learn from others and our own experiences other
emotional responses such as love, anger, frustration, fear, jealousy, and so on.
We learn which emotions will bring us rewards and those that will bring us
punishment.

Th rough our family, school, and social experiences, we learn various ways
of dealing with our emotions. We also receive messages on how to express
and deal with some of our emotions. For example, we may hear: “Don’t make
a scene by crying”; “Th ere is nothing to be afraid of ”; “Don’t let everybody
see how angry you are”; “Cheer up, there is no reason to feel bad”; “Be strong
and endure your pain”; or even, “Control yourself; don’t let others know how
excited you are.” It is even possible that you heard the statement, “Big boys
don’t cry.” Consequently, we may grow up thinking that girls and women can
cry, but boys and men must not do so. Could these messages have anything to
do with the cultural stereotype of the unexpressive male and the more expres-
sive female? See Gender and You on the following page. Do you agree or dis-
agree with the fi ndings? Th is is an example of how sexist behavior is learned
and can be unlearned in the same manner.

With modeling and messages from our parents, society, and our peers, is
it any wonder that we grow up confused about what to do with our feelings?

Emotional Intelligence

Have you ever wondered why some people with high academic IQs are “poor
pilots of their private lives,” while those with modest academic IQs may do
surprisingly well? Why do some “really bright people” make disastrous choices
in business and in their personal lives? Are we either emotional beings or
rational beings? Could it be possible to have an intelligent balance of the two,

A nyone can become angry—that is easy. But to be angry
with the right person, to the right
degree, at the right time, for the
right purpose, and in the right
way—that is not easy.

ARISTOTLE, THE NICOMACHEAN ETHICS

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 173

whereby the head and heart are in harmony with each other? Most people
understand what academic or intellectual intelligence means, but what does it
mean to use emotion intelligently?

Th e concept of emotional intelligence was originally developed by John
Mayer and Peter Salovey (2004). Emotional intelligence consists of the ability
to monitor, access, express, and regulate one’s own emotions; the capacity to
identify, interpret, and understand others’ emotions; and the ability to use this
information to guide one’s thinking and actions. According to Salovey and
Mayer (2005), emotional intelligence includes four essential abilities: First ,
people need to be able to accurately perceive emotions in themselves and oth-
ers and have the ability to express their own emotions. Second , people need
to be aware of how their emotions shape their thinking, decisions and coping
behavior. Th ird , people need to be able to understand and analyze their emo-
tions, which may have important social implications. Fourth , people need to
be able to regulate their emotions so they can minimize negative emotions
and make eff ective use of positive emotions.

Actually, emotional intelligence (EI) has became a popular phrase in
homes, schools, and businesses due to a book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It
Can Matter More Th an IQ (Goleman 2006). Th e author, a Harvard-educated
psychologist, believes that emotional intelligence is involved in some of the
most important things in our lives, such as managing bad moods, maintain-
ing hope aft er setbacks, getting along with people, and making important
decisions. People who are high in emotional intelligence have the ability to
use their emotions wisely, and they appear to have a deeper understanding of
their emotional lives (Salovey et al. 2005).

In fact, emotional intelligence may be a more important contributor to
success in life than IQ. However, more research is needed in this area as well
as continued research into the meaning of emotional intelligence. At present,
ways to cultivate emotional intelligence are being explored in classrooms and
workplaces.

In any case, we are both emotional and rational beings, and we need an
intelligent balance of the two (Gibbs 1995) (Duff y 2007/2008). Be sure and
review the Criteria of Emotional Maturity on the following page for addi-
tional insights into Emotional Intelligence.

Do Women Express More Emotions Than Men?
Women are more likely than men to express positive emotions like love, liking, joy, and contentment.
Women have a hard time expressing anger.

Women are more likely than men to express feelings of vulnerability like fear, sadness, loneliness,
and embarrassment. Men have diffi culty expressing sadness.

Men rarely express positive emotions and feelings of vulnerability, especially to their male friends,
although they may be more expressive to the woman they love. Men are less bashful about revealing
their strengths.

While men experience emotions much like women, men tend to be not as emotionally expressive as women. Men’s
emotional behavior often masks their emotional inclinations. And, men often express their feelings through actions and activities
rather than words.

Women tend to be more emotionally empathetic than men—that is, better able to pick up the emotions of others. Men tend
to be better than women at returning to normal after experiencing distressing emotions.

Goldsmith and Fulfs 1999; Goleman 2007.

&
YOU

GE
NDER

E very great, successful person I know shares the
capacity to remain centered, clear
and powerful in the midst of
emotional “storms.”

ANTHONY ROBBINS

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174 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

The Costs of Denying Emotions

What kinds of messages did you get about expressing or controlling your
emotions? Were you taught to express your emotions openly, or did you grow
up believing that you should “stop showing” your emotions, even though you
continued to experience them? Th at is right! As long as you live, you continue to
experience emotions. Why? You already know the answer: you are a human, not
a robot or a machine. You will be given several opportunities in the activities at
the end of this chapter to review how you express your emotions.

How, then, do people deal with the emotional aspects of their life? Th ere
are only two choices: deny them or express them. Because overcontrol poses
our biggest problem in expressing emotions, we will begin by looking at two
common ways we deny our emotions.

REPRESSION. Th e most common form of overcontrol is repression. In repres-
sion , the self automatically excludes threatening or painful thoughts and feel-
ings from awareness. By pushing them into the subconscious, we are able to
manage the anxiety that grows out of uncomfortable situations.

Perhaps the most destructive aspect of repression is that although we
realize we are hurting when we have repressed our true feelings, we do not
know why. We have hidden the source of pain in the “dungeon” of the sub-
conscious. Repressed emotions unfortunately do not die. Th ey refuse to be
silenced and continue to infl uence our whole personality and behavior. For
example, when we repress guilt feelings, we are forever, though subcon-
sciously, trying to punish ourselves. We will not allow ourselves success or
enjoyment because we are so unworthy. For example, rather than accepting
compliments, we “qualify” them or quickly give all the credit to someone
more deserving than us!

Repressed fears and angers may be acted out physically as insomnia,
headaches, ulcers, and so on. If such fears and angers had been consciously
accepted and expressed, however, there would be no necessity for the sleep-
lessness, the tension headaches, or ulcers. In his book Th e Language of Feel-
ings, David Viscott (1990) indicates that feelings always follow a predictable
pattern when you suff er one of three major kinds of loss: 1) the loss of someone

W hen feelings are avoided, their painful effects are
often prolonged, and it becomes
increasingly diffi cult to deal
with them.

ANDREW SALTER

HAVING the ability to deal constructively with reality
HAVING the capacity to adapt to change
HAVING a relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions

and anxieties
HAVING the capacity to fi nd more satisfaction in giving than receiving
HAVING the capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with

mutual satisfaction and helpfulness
HAVING the capacity to sublimate, to direct one’s instinctive hostile energy

into creative and constructive outlets
HAVING the capacity to love

William C. Menninger, M.D.
1899–1966

The Criteria of Emotional Maturity

Courtesy of William C. Menninger, M.D. Copyright 1966, © Th e Menninger Foundation,
Topeka, Kansas.

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 175

who loves you or the loss of their love or your sense of lovability; 2) the loss of
control; 3) the loss of self-esteem. Th e predictable pattern then becomes:

When a loss threatens, you feel anxious.
When a loss occurs, you feel hurt.
When hurt is held back, it becomes anger.
When anger is held back, it creates guilt.
When guilt is unrelieved, depression occurs.

Viscott goes on to say that if you take care of your fear, hurt, and anger,
the guilt and depression will take care of themselves. In other words, they will
be nonexistent, just like the sleeplessness, the tension headaches, or ulcers.
When a person is especially sensitive to one type of loss, however, he or she
tends to bury the unpleasant feelings associated with the loss.

What is the result of these buried feelings? John Powell (1995) makes a
profound statement about the costs of repressed feelings:

Buried emotions are like rejected people; they make us pay a high price
for having rejected them. Hell hath no fury like that of a scorned emotion.

SUPPRESSION. Sometimes people suppress rather than repress their emotions.
In suppression , people are usually conscious of their emotions, but deliber-
ately control rather than express them. For example, you might say, “I’ll never
let her know that I’m jealous.” Why would you say this? You might be afraid
that your emotional admissions could be used against you; maybe she would
bring it up later. Th en you would probably always wonder if she might dis-
tance herself from you because of the feelings you confi ded. Obviously, these
are all threats to your self-esteem, so why take the risk? Aft er all, what you do
not say cannot be used against you.

Although suppression of emotions is a healthier way of handling feelings
than is repression, habitual suppression may lead to many of the undesirable
eff ects of repression. Furthermore, chronic suppression of feelings interferes
with rational, problem-solving behavior. When people have unexpressed feel-
ings that are “smoldering” within, they cannot think clearly. Consequently, they
may have diffi culty studying, working, or even socializing with others. More
importantly, when you consistently suppress your emotions, you may eventu-
ally explode and do things or say things totally uncharacteristic of you. Obvi-
ously, this makes the problem(s) much, much worse. As you can see, chronic
suppression can be just as unhealthy as repression (Duff y and Atwater 2008).

Now we are left with the other choice of dealing with our feelings—
expressing them. But, is not this diffi cult when we have been holding them
back for so long? Let us see.

Getting Out of Emotional Debt

Everybody gets into emotional debt from time to time. Gary Emery (2000)
defi nes emotional debt as a condition of imbalance in which feelings are
trapped instead of expressed. As we have already stated that keeping feel-
ings from being expressed naturally employs defenses and drains energy. Th e
more feelings are held in, the less energy you have to be yourself. Obviously,
this interferes with your ability to interact with others.

Accepting and learning to handle and express emotions are the marks
of maturity. You are a feeling being. If you are to have the joy of positive

W hen you deny what is real, When you hide from life’s
pains,

When you shut out the world,
Only fantasy remains.

DAVID VISCOTT

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176 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

emotions, you also must accept the reality of your negative emotions without
guilt, self-condemnation, or repression of the emotion. Do you want to begin
to learn how to express your emotions? Before we discuss the steps involved,
we ask you to internalize the words of John Powell (1995):

When you are ready to stop telling your emotions what they should
be, they will tell you what they really are.

Now, are you ready to uncover your lost emotions?

Guidelines for Dealing with Your Emotions

Emotions are a fact of life, and communicating them certainly is not a sim-
ple matter. It is obvious that showing every feeling of anger, frustration, and
even love and aff ection could get you in trouble. However, withholding emo-
tions can be personally frustrating and certainly aff ect your relationships.
Th erefore, the following suggestions can help you to decide when and how to
express your emotions (Adler and Proctor 2007).

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. What is happening inside of you? What are those but-
terfl ies in your stomach telling you? Why is your heart pounding? Remember,
physiological changes are a part of your emotions and what you are feeling.
Th ose internal changes speak to you very clearly; do not ignore them.

IDENTIFY YOUR FEELINGS. Just ask yourself, “What am I really feeling?” Is it
fear, anger, frustration, etc? Give your feelings a label if you can. If you have
diffi culty with an exact label, use the techniques in the next suggestion to help
you express your feelings. Remember to name all the feelings you are having.
Try to identify your primary feeling and then your secondary feeling. Above
all, do not deny or suppress your feelings.

PERSONALIZE YOUR FEELINGS. Th ere are times when you can name the feel-
ing: “I’m feeling hurt,” “I love you,” “I’m angry.” Th ere are times, however,
when it is easier to describe the impact the feelings are having on you: “I feel
like I’m being dumped on,” “I feel used,” “I feel he cares for me.” Metaphors
with a colorful description such as “I’m sitting on top of the world,” “I feel like
my world has caved in,” “I’m down in the dumps,” can be used. Feelings can
also be expressed by describing what action you feel like taking: “I feel like
giving up,” “I feel like telling him off ,” “I just want to jump for you.”

OWN YOUR FEELINGS. Your feelings are yours; no other person can cause
or be responsible for your emotions. Of course, we feel better assigning our
emotions to other people: “You made me angry,” “You frightened me,” “You
made me jealous.” Th e fact is that another person cannot make you anything.
Another person can only stimulate the emotions that are already in you, wait-
ing to be activated. Th e distinction between causing and stimulating emotions
is not just a play on words. Th e acceptance of the truth involved is critical.
If you think other people can make you angry, when you become angry you
simply lay the blame and pin the problem on them. You can then walk away
from your emotional encounter learning nothing, concluding only that the
other people were at fault because he or she made you angry. Th en, you do not
have to examine your own feelings because you gave all the responsibility for
your feelings to the other people.

L ife is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and
sometimes you weep.

CARL SANDBURG

T he greatest lesson I ever learned was to accept
complete responsibility for what
I was feeling.

GEORGE B. SHAW

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 177

DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO WITH YOUR FEELINGS. Th is is oft entimes very
diffi cult, because there are many factors to consider. Careful consideration of
the following suggestions may be of assistance to you:

Timing and Appropriateness of Place. We are all familiar with the
thought: there is a time and a place for all things. Th is is particularly
true when expressing emotions because you want to get your message
across. You also want your message to be heard, and you hope your
message is understood. As we will discuss in chapter fi ve, your receiver
will probably be more receptive to your message if he or she is not
distracted by outside stimuli and if the receiver has the energy and time
to listen.

How Much Emotion to Express. Young children may squeal with delight
or cry with anguish in the grocery store, at church, or wherever they so
please. Adults, however, are expected to exert control over their emo-
tional expressions. Th is does not mean that adults should not express
emotion spontaneously. Instead, it means that adults feel an emotion,
understand it, and decide how intensely to express it. For example,
regardless of how intensely an adult feels he or she wants to laugh and
get excited in church, this is just considered taboo, if you are the only
one laughing. Also, regardless of how sad you feel that your daughter is
marrying this “certain” boy, it might not be a good idea to cry loudly and
profusely through the entire wedding. A quiet sob would be much more
appropriate.

Signifi cance of Relationship. Th ere is some risk involved in expressing
feelings. In an encounter with a store clerk, an acquaintance, or a dis-
tant relative, expressing your feelings may do nothing more than relieve
tension. In other words, you might be able to get away with “telling this
person off .” If you value another person’s friendship, however, you may
want to carefully consider just “telling this person off .” You may fi nd that
this relationship means so much to you, you need to be very careful in
expressing your feelings. Maybe, you can soft en your approach. Aft er all,
you want the net eff ect to be a closer, more meaningful relationship. It is
important to realize you are going to be interacting with this person in the
future; you can avoid the store clerk if you so choose.

Words and Mannerisms. You already know some ways to personalize
your feelings. You will also want to consider the appropriate verbal and
nonverbal techniques to use in getting your message across. Th is will be
discussed in more detail in chapter fi ve. Careful selection of words means
that you use tact and deal with facts instead of interpretations, judgments,
or accusations.

Recognize the Diff erence between Feeling and Acting. At times you
may be so angry that you feel like “punching someone in the nose.” In this
instance, it would be more constructive to talk about your feelings, rather
than act upon your feelings. One point should be made clear: Allowing
ourselves the freedom to feel and observe our emotions does not neces-
sarily mean that we should act on those emotions. As a small child, you
might punch someone in the nose when you get angry. Although this
is not necessarily appropriate, you might just get a spanking or a “time
out” period. As an adult, however, if you “punch” someone in the nose,
you might get a ticket to jail or even get killed in extreme cases. To live
eff ectively in our world requires that we be sensitive to situations and

A n emotion without social rules of containment and
expression is like an egg without
a shell: a gooey mess.

CAROL TAVRIS

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178 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

adjust our emotional expression accordingly. Remember, we used the
term adjust, not deny.

Although it is true that people express their emotions diff erently and
respond to situations diff erently, the truth is that sometimes, as stated, it is
just not possible to openly express what you really feel. In these instances,
you need to choose some indirect ways to express your feelings. As you
already know, feelings do not just go away. Here are some suggestions for
these times:

1. Ventilate or share your feelings with someone you trust.
2. Choose some type of physical or creative activity to help release your

“pent-up” emotions.
3. Work to maintain a positive or realistic perspective of the situation.
4. As much as possible, keep a sense of humor.

You are probably thinking or saying to yourself, “I’ll never remember
all these guidelines.” If this is true for you, perhaps the “shorthand tech-
nique” developed by Gary Emery (2000) and illustrated below in Consider
this will be a quick way for you to remember the key concepts in expressing
your feelings.

D o you collect emotional trading stamps—that is,
collecting feelings, rather than
dealing with them?

ANN ELLENSON

Consider this . . .Consider this . . .

Feel—The Shorthand Technique

F Focus on your feelings.

E Express them constructively.

E Experience them.

L Let them go.

Emery 2000.

Understanding Culture and Emotion

Research shows that certain basic emotions are experienced by people around
the world. Th e ability to feel and recognize happiness, sadness, surprise, anger,
disgust, and fear seems to be universal, regardless of a person’s background
or where he or she is born (Gudykunst and Young 2002; and Ekman 1998).
Culture plays a key role in moderating our expression of emotion and in help-
ing us cognitively appraise situations in appropriate ways. Paul Ekman (1992)
found that diff erent cultures have diff erent display rules: norms about when,
where, and how much we should show emotions. Focus on Diversity on the
following page gives examples of some of these culture display rules (Ekman
1992), (Adler and Proctor 2007; King 2008).

We are emotional human beings. Understanding our emotions, how they
aff ect us, and developing ways of handling them can be benefi cial for all of us.
Understanding how diff erent cultures express emotions can certainly elimi-
nate some potential communication problems. Learning to constructively
express and utilize our emotions is a life-long process; we learn by doing.

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 179

Benefi ts of Expressing Your Feelings

Many emotional responses feel good to us. Feelings
of love, tenderness, and warmth toward other people
give us a sense of well-being. Emotional responses
involved in happy or joyful experiences in life are also
enhancing to us, as are emotional responses found in
humor or laughter that tend to help us feel good about
being alive.

However, the real benefi t of having good feelings
can only be found if one chooses to truly experience
emotions and share them with others.

As we have stated several times in this chapter,
strong feelings that are not expressed or dealt with
rarely go away. Instead, you may begin to collect your
feelings and cash them in at a later date for a free mad,
temper tantrum, or an angry outburst at someone else.
Also, bottled-up anger may “leak out” in the form of a
lack of cooperation, silence, coldness, cynicism, or even sarcasm. Obviously,
none of us would really want these types of behaviors to occur.

Th e author believes aft er you have carefully considered your options and
the consequences involved in expressing your feelings, and choose to take the
risk, you are likely to derive several long-term, positive benefi ts. Below are
three, although there are many others.

1. You Will Develop Positive Feelings about Yourself. You cannot
possibly understand that part of yourself which you deny or repress.
Furthermore, you cannot possibly appreciate yourself when you know
you are not being honest with yourself and others. Once you begin
to openly and honestly deal with your feelings in a constructive way,
you will automatically experience increased feelings of self-esteem.
People who feel good about themselves are not afraid of their emotional
responses. Th at is, they trust themselves and their emotions. Obviously,
this type of dual trust leads to a sense of inner harmony and freedom—
you do not have to pretend any longer.

T he things that most clearly
differentiate and individuate

me from others are my feelings
and emotions.

JOHN POWELL

Cultural Display Rules
Happy or not, Russians rarely smile in public.
Japanese culture emphasizes the suppression of negative emotions in public.
African Americans display emotion with more liveliness than whites, showing

more changes in facial expression, voice pitch, and body movements.
If you see someone eating a hamburger, you are not likely to respond emotionally,

unless you are in India where cows are sacred.
In Native American culture, emotions ranging from expressing affection, being curious, or even
expressing unhappiness are much less public than in Anglo cultures. For example, expressing love
is displayed by helping and caring for people they love. You do not see much hugging and kissing,
and people rarely say “I Love You” to one another.

How might these differences in display rules lead to communication problems?

IVERSIT
Y

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y
B

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in

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s

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ag

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2

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The real benefi t of having good feelings can only be found if one
chooses to truly experience emotions and share them with others.

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180 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

2. Your Relationships Will Grow Stronger. Th e expression of feelings is
vital to eff ectively building meaningful relationships. How can others
know what you are feeling if you never tell them? How can another
person really get to know you if you only talk about the “weather” or
“surface” type issues?

Other people may have dark hair as you do or drive a Ford as you do, but
others will not experience fears, frustrations, love, and joy in the same way as
you do. So, you must tell others how you feel, what your “gut” is saying, if you
really want to establish and maintain meaningful relationships.

Oft en, when you begin expressing your feelings, others will be more likely
to express some of their own. Consequently, you each know more about each
other. When two people can share their feelings in an open, honest, and car-
ing way, their relationship will deepen, even if these feelings are sometimes
negative.

3. Pressure Is Relieved. Experts in psychosomatic medicine believe that
the most common cause of fatigue and actual sickness is the repres-
sion of emotions. We all experience frustrations and anxieties in our
daily lives. For example, our goals may be thwarted, our self-esteem
and integrity may be threatened, and our abilities to handle situations
may seem overwhelmed. As we have seen, our health and our relation-
ships are negatively aff ected when we deny “what we are really feeling.”
When we are able to express what we have kept “bottled up” inside us,
we normally feel better. Consequently, we naturally reduce some of the
stress we are feeling. We will discuss stress and its eff ects more fully in
chapter eight.

Sometimes in the process of expressing and dealing with our feelings, we
even go through a healing process, known as Forgiveness . Let us see what this
process involves.

Forgiveness—The Healing Process

Have you ever been hurt or experienced a painful injustice from:

Parents
Lovers
Children
Spouses (former and present)
Brothers and sisters
Grandparents
Friends
Co-workers
Employers
People of the opposite sex, other races, or religions
Ourselves
Whole systems (schools, government, criminal justice system, the media)

Do you harbor bitter, angry, resentful feelings toward these people? Have
you tried to “even the score” with any of these people or wished that harm
would come to those who have hurt you?

Actually, we have all experienced some hurts and had some painful past
experiences. Many of these no longer infl uence our life. On the other hand,

T he top eight hits on the “hurt parade”: disappointment,
rejection, abandonment, ridicule,
humiliation, betrayal, deception
and abuse.

SIDNEY AND SUZANNE SIMON

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 181

there may be some hurts that we still hang on to. We have not forgiven the
people who hurt us, but more important, we have not let go of the pain.
Sidney and Suzanne Simon (1991), authors of the book, Forgiveness: How to
Make Peace with Your Past and Get On with Your Life, explain that the pain
has not let go of us:

Many of us wake up each morning and fi ll an enormous suitcase with
pain from our pasts. We stuff it with grudges, bitterness, resentment, and
self-righteous anger. We toss in some self-pity, envy, jealousy, and regret.
We load that suitcase with every injury and injustice that was ever done
to us; with every memory of how others failed us and how we ourselves
have failed; and with all the reminders of what we have missed out on and
what we can never hope to have. Th en, we shut that suitcase and drag it
with us wherever we go.

Th roughout our lives, we have all heard the following statements:

forgive and forget,
let bygones be bygones,
turn the other cheek, and
kiss and make up.

However, it is oft entimes very diffi cult to forgive the people who caused
us real pain. Instead, we believe that the people who hurt us should pay for the
pain they caused—they deserve to be punished, not forgiven. Sometimes we
may even say, “I’ll work at forgiving when they say they are sorry. I will work
at forgiveness when somehow they communicate to me that they realize and
regret what they have done.”

In all probability, the people who hurt you have not made up for what
they did to you, and even if they wanted to, they probably could not really do
that. Furthermore, no amount of punishment they may have endured could
relieve your pain or evaporate your resentment. What if they never apologize?
What if they are never sorry? What if they are never even capable of knowing
what they did to you? Th en what? Th en what do you do? Do you continue to
let them dictate the quality of your life (Larsen 1992)?

FORGIVENESS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. It’s natural and certainly
tempting to blame others or unfortunate circumstances for feelings of
anger, guilt, depression, anxiety, shame, or insecurity. But look at the word
blame. It is just a coincidence that the last two letters spell the word me .
Other people or unfortunate circumstances may have caused you to experi-
ence some pain but only you control whether you allow that pain to go on.
You may not have had any power or control over what happened to you
when you were fi ve, ten, or fi ft een years old, but you do have a choice now
whether you are going to keep on carrying that hurt and resentment with
you (Enright 2001).

What can you do to make those feelings go away? What can you do to
get those people who hurt you off your blame list ? Forgiveness is not done as
a favor to the people who hurt you or because someone once told you that
forgiving was the good or right thing to do. Forgiveness is something you do
for yourself , for your own health, happiness, and emotional well-being. You
forgive so that you can let go of the pain and fi nally get rid of the excess emo-
tional baggage that has been weighing you down and holding you back.

A nger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you
to grow beyond what you were.

CHERIE CARTER-SCOTT

T o forgive is to set the prisoner free and then
discover the prisoner was you.

ELLIS COSE

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182 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

Rabbi Harold Kushner (2004; 2007), author of When Bad Th ings Happen
to Good People and Overcoming Life’s Disappointments, explains what
is meant by carrying around emotional baggage that has been weighing
one down:

When I would counsel a divorcee still seething about her husband’s
having left her for another woman years ago and having fallen behind on
child support payments, she would ask me, “How can you expect me to
forgive him aft er what he’s done to me and the children?” I would answer,
“I’m not asking you to forgive him because what he did wasn’t so terrible;
it was terrible. I’m suggesting that you forgive him because he doesn’t
deserve to have this power to turn you into a bitter, resentful woman.
When he left , he gave up the right to inhabit your life and mind to the
degree that you’re letting him. Your being angry at him doesn’t harm him,
but it hurts you. It’s turning you into someone you don’t really want to be.
Release that anger, not for his sake—he probably doesn’t deserve it—but
for your sake, so that the real you can re-emerge.”

University of Wisconsin’s Robert Enright (2001), head of the recently
established International Forgiveness Institute, reminds people that forgiving
does not mean letting the guilty party off the hook. It is not excusing, forget-
ting or even reconciling—it is giving up resentment to which you are entitled
and off ering compassionate understanding to someone who may not deserve
it. Th e paradox, he says, is that “by giving this gift to the other, it is the gift –
giver who becomes psychologically healed.”

BENEFITS OF FORGIVENESS. “Holding on to hurts and nursing grudges wears
you down physically and emotionally,” says Stanford University psychologist
Fred Luskin (2007), author of Forgive for Love . Luskin, director of the Stanford
Forgiveness Project, applied his method to help families in Northern Ireland
recover emotionally from the murder of loved ones, some of whom had been
killed more than 20 years earlier. Rather than agonizing over the past, his sub-
jects were able to enjoy the present. Feelings of hurt, measured by using psy-
chological tests, had fallen more than half. Th ey were also less likely to feel
depressed and angry. Th eir health also improved. On average, they saw stress-
related symptoms like backaches and stomach pain dip by almost 35 percent.

To heal, some people take fate’s raw material and transform it. Judy Keane,
54, whose husband of 31 years, Richard, was killed at the World Trade Cen-
ter, felt she had to move forward. Despite her anguish, she did not want to
become more rigid and hostile. Keane responded by starting a foundation in
her husband’s name that will open a sports center in her Connecticut town.
Her goal is to off er programs built on Richard’s philosophy for coaching kids:
in true sports, kids learn how to deal with life.

Forgiveness is truly a journey of hard work and an exercise in personal
power. Lewis Smedes (1996) reminds us that “you will know that forgiveness
has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish
them well.” If this is diffi cult for you to imagine, Robert Enright (2001), in
his insightful book, Forgiveness Is a Choice , says, “forgiveness is feeling free of
negative energy.” If you remain angry, the hostility will reverberate through
all your relationships. When we’re angry, we cannot help but infl ict pain on
children, spouses, close friends, and coworkers.

H uman pain does not let go of its grip at one point in time.
Rather it works its way out of our
consciousness over time. There is
a season of sadness, a season of
anger, a season of tranquility, and
a season of hope.

ROBERT VENINGO
GIFT OF HOPE: HOW TO SURVIVE

OUR TRAGEDIES

W e will probably never understand why we were
hurt. But forgiving is not having to
understand. Understanding may
come later, in fragments, an
insight here and a glimpse there,
after forgiving. But we are
asking too much if we want to
understand everything at the
beginning.

LEWIS SMEDES

W hen we forgive, we free ourselves from the bitter
ties that bind us to the one who
hurt us.

CLAIRE FRAZIER-YZAGUIRRE

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 183

Consider this . . .Consider this . . .

The Healing Process

While a variety of strategies can be used in the forgiveness process, at least some of these
important stages will be involved:

exploring the anger you have

deciding to forgive

working on forgiveness

discovery and release, whereby one learns a great deal about oneself, the other person, and
relationships.

Adapted from Enright 2001; Cose 2005.

Actually, the message is the same whether it is couched in the language
of Christian charity, clinical psychology or the wisdom of Confucious: “If
you devote your life to seeking revenge, fi rst, dig two graves” (Lewis and
Adler 2004).

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184 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

Chapter Review

We would all agree that emotions are a crucial part of being human. Indeed, we experience life’s pains and
pleasures through our emotions.

■ Emotions are feelings that are experienced, with at least four common characteristics: physiological or
internal changes, behavioral expressions, cognitive interpretations, and motivational tendencies.

■ Although authorities do not always agree on the exact number of basic emotions, there appear to be
both primary and mixed emotions. Primary and mixed emotions suggest that many feelings need to be
described in more than a single term.

■ Generally, our emotions begin to have negative eff ects when they are viewed as being excessive in
intensity and duration. When mild, emotions can be facilitative—they increase our functioning. When
emotions are intense, or sustained, they are debilitative—they disrupt our overall functioning.

■ Some emotions cause us more diffi culty than others. Some of these are fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, grief,
and love.

■ Although there are gender diff erences with respect to several potential causes of anger, both males
and females report physical and verbal aggression as the most anger-provoking behaviors they could
encounter.

■ Anger most oft en begins with a loss or the threat of one, such as: loss of self-esteem, loss of face, threat
of physical harm or violence, loss of valued possessions, skills, or abilities, loss of a valued role, or loss
of valued relationships.

■ Four psychological reactions to anger are: 1) seeing yourself as a victim, 2) feeling discounted or
ignored, 3) feeling powerless, and 4) looking for justice and revenge.

■ Th ree characteristics of anger are: 1) anger is neither right nor wrong, 2) anger can be released in a right
or wrong way, and 3) you are vulnerable when angry.

■ Th e grief process consists of 1) freeing ourselves emotionally from the loss, 2) readjusting to life without
this loss, 3) resuming ordinary activities and forming new relationships. Th ere are individual patterns
of grieving.

■ With modeling and messages from our parents, society, and our peers, it is not surprising that we grow
up confused about what to do with our feelings.

■ We are both emotional and rational beings, and we need an intelligent balance of the two. Emotional
intelligence consists of the ability to monitor, access, express, and regulate one’s own emotions; the
capacity to identify, interpret, and understand others’ emotions; and the ability to use this information
to guide one’s thinking and actions.

■ Because overcontrol poses our biggest problem in the expression of emotions, there are two common
ways we deny our emotions—repression and suppression.

■ It is helpful to remember the following suggestions when deciding when and how to express your
emotions: Listen to your body, personalize your feelings, identify your feelings, own your feelings, and
decide what you will do with your feelings.

■ Diff erent cultures have diff erent display rules—norms about when, where, and how much we should
show emotions. Th ese diff erences, if not understood, can lead to communication problems.

■ Several long-term, positive benefi ts can be derived from learning to express emotions: You will develop
positive feelings about yourself, your relationships will grow stronger, and pressure is relieved.

■ Sometimes in the process of expressing and dealing with our feelings, we may even go through a heal-
ing process, known as forgiveness. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, for your own happi-
ness, health and well-being.

As we go through adulthood, we have the opportunity to experiment with a full range of behaviors
and full range of emotions. Hopefully, we learn to express our emotions in constructive ways and to con-
trol those emotions and expressions that might be destructive to ourselves and others.

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Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions 185

Test Review Questions: Learning Outcomes

1. What are emotions? Explain their four characteristics.
2. Describe how cognitive appraisals can be a part of an emotional experience.
3. What are the eight primary emotions? What is the diff erence in primary and mixed emotions?
4. Diff erentiate between mild (facilitative) and intense (debilitative) emotions. When do our emotions

begin to have negative eff ects?
5. What is the diff erence in fear and anxiety? Defi ne preparation anxiety and neurotic anxiety.
6. Anger most oft en begins with what kinds of losses or threats?
7. What are the four psychological reactions to anger? What are the three characteristics of anger?

What are at least six do’s and don’ts to remember in the expression of anger?
8. What seems to be three causes of aggression in our society?
9. Discuss the common reactions people have in coping with a loss.
10. Compare and contrast the importance of intellectual IQ and emotional intelligence.
11. Name and defi ne the two common ways we deny our emotions.
12. List and discuss the fi ve guidelines for dealing with your emotions. What is the shorthand tech-

nique for dealing with emotions?
13. Defi ne the term “culture display” rules and be able to give examples of some ways these rules are

expressed in diff erent cultures.
14. Discuss the three common benefi ts of learning to express emotions.
15. Why do we need to consider going through a forgiveness process?
16. What important stages are involved in the forgiveness process?
17. List the three components of the grief process identifi ed by Dickenson and Leming.
18. Identify the four questions to ask yourself when attempting to shift your anger from an emotional

level to an intellectual level.

Key Terms

Aggression
Anger
Annoyance
Anxiety
Cultural Display Rules
Debilitative Emotions
Delight
Distress
Emotional Debt
Emotional Intelligence
Emotions

Facilitative Emotions
Fear
Forgiveness
Good Grief
Grief and Bereavement
Grief Work
Guilt
Hate
Hostility
Intense Emotions
Love

Mild Emotions
Mixed Emotions
Moods
Neurotic Anxiety
Preparation Anxiety
Primary Emotions
Rage
Repression
Resentment
Suppression

Refl ections

1. Why do our emotions oft en color our point of view and aff ect our opinions?
2. How were you taught to express and deal with your emotions?
3. Do you believe that feelings follow a predictable pattern when we suff er a loss? If so, explain the

process for you.
4. Of the problem emotions discussed, which one(s) present the greatest problem for you?

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186 Chapter 4 Dealing with Emotions

5. Which one of the four psychological reactions to anger is the most diffi cult for you to deal with?
6. What can be done to decrease aggression in our society?
7. Do you believe there is really emotional intelligence?
8. Discuss any “cultural display rules” you have experienced.
9 . How do you deal with forgiveness in your life?

Web Resources

www.aarp.org/griefandloss/
Offers articles, discussions, resources, and tools for coping with grief and the loss of a loved one.

http://www.apa.org/topics
Explores various topics on emotions and feelings.

http://angermanagementonline.com
Discusses various methods of disfussing anger.

http://www.eiconsortium.org/reports/technical_report.html
A report issued for research on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations.

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187

Name Date

Taking an Emotional Inventory of Yourself
Purpose: To analyze some of the patterns in your emotional life.

Instructions:

I. At the end of every day for a week, write down your emotional reactions through various periods of the day.
(You may want to carry a small notepad with you and record these reactions every three or four hours.) You
can begin by making a list of the positive emotions (love, happy, helpful, optimistic, energetic, and accepting,
or other positive emotions discussed in this chapter) and negative emotions (sad, fear, anger, hurt, guilt, and
anxiety, or other negative emotions discussed in this chapter). You may want to review Table 4.1 for a list
of some common emotions. Pay attention to any physiological or behavioral indicators you may have had
throughout the day. These indicators often reveal corresponding emotional states.

II. Record the strongest emotion/s you felt for each day and complete the chart below. If you cannot put
your fi nger on one event or person, or perhaps you are not sure why you were angry or anxious, put down
“unknown” for the cause.

DAY
EMOTION(S)
FEELING(S)

SITUATION/CAUSE
PERSON(S)

(continued)

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188

Discussion
1. What percentage of your daily life is used in the expression of negative expressions? What percentage in

positive expressions?

2. Are your emotional reactions appropriate to the situation? Were you justifi ed in feeling angry, for example, in
the situation that produced this response?

3. How many of your emotional responses are caused by unknown or possible unconscious factors?

4. Do you tend to use one or two kinds of emotional responses consistently, or is there variety in your emotional
responses?

5. As you review your week in general, do you believe you used your emotional responses with intelligence? If
not, explain why you were unable to do so.

6. Explain what you can do to improve so that you use emotions/feelings intelligently.

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189

Name Date

Emotional Expressivity Scale
Purpose: To assess your degree of emotional expression.

Instructions: Using the following scale, place the number on the line that best describes your agreement with the
following statements:

5 = Strongly Agree 4 = Agree 3 = Neither Agree or Disagree
2 = Disagree 1 = Strongly Disagree

___ 1. I think of myself as emotionally expressive.

___ 2. People think of me as an unemotional person.*

___ 3. I keep my feelings to myself.*

___ 4. I am often considered indifferent by others.*

___ 5. People can read my emotions.

___ 6. I display my emotions to other people.

___ 7. I don’t like to let other people see how I am feeling.*

___ 8. I am able to cry in front of other people.

___ 9. Even if I am feeling very emotional, I don’t let others see my feelings.*

___ 10. Other people aren’t easily able to observe what I am feeling.*

___ 11. I am not very emotionally expressive.*

___ 12. Even when I am experiencing strong feelings, I don’t express them outwardly.*

___ 13. I cannot hide the way I am feeling.

___ 14. Other people believe me to be very emotional.

___ 15. I don’t express my emotions to other people.*

___ 16. The way I feel is different from how others think I feel.*

___ 17. I hold my feelings in.*

Scoring: *=Recode these items (5 = 1, 4 = 2, 3 = 3, 2 = 4, 1 = 5)

After you recode the negative items, sum all the scores together. My Score: _________

Range of Emotional Expressivity = 17—85 (17 is the lowest expression of emotions and 85 is the highest
expression of emotions)

(continued)

Emotional Express Scale from Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1994, 66. Copyright © 1994 by the American Psychological Association.
Adapted with permission. No further reproduction or distribution is permitted without written permission from the American Psychological
Association.

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190

Discussion
1. Do you agree with your results? Why or why not?

2. What do you think you need to do to be more emotionally expressive?

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191

Name Date

Identifying Feelings
Purpose: To determine how you deal with various feelings and emotions.

Instructions: Complete the “feelings” survey below by circling the number which expresses how well you deal with
each feeling listed.

1. Can express easily and completely in any situation

2. Can express most of the time

3. Can express some of the time—with diffi culty

4. Can express rarely—with reservation

5. Cannot express this emotion

Caring 1 2 3 4 5 Love 1 2 3 4 5

Concern 1 2 3 4 5 Sadness 1 2 3 4 5

Depression 1 2 3 4 5 Fear 1 2 3 4 5

Anger 1 2 3 4 5 Tension 1 2 3 4 5

Disappointment 1 2 3 4 5 Hurt 1 2 3 4 5

Excitement 1 2 3 4 5 Pride 1 2 3 4 5

Complete the sentences below:

1. I very much care about ______________________________________________________________________________

2. The thing which depresses me most frequently is _______________________________________________________

3. I feel tense when ___________________________________________________________________________________

4. The thing that hurts me most is ______________________________________________________________________

5. I am excited about __________________________________________________________________________________

6. I take pride in ______________________________________________________________________________________

7. I am disappointed with ______________________________________________________________________________

8. The thing that frightens me most is ___________________________________________________________________

9. I get angry when ___________________________________________________________________________________

10. I am concerned about _______________________________________________________________________________

11. I feel sad when _____________________________________________________________________________________

12. Love is a feeling ____________________________________________________________________________________

(continued)

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192

Discussion
1. Is there a feeling that you absolutely cannot deal with? If so, what?

2. Which feeling do you think you deal with most successfully? Why?

3. How important are feelings to you in your interactions with others?

4. How can you learn to express your emotions in a positive way?

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193

Name Date

How I Express My Feelings
Purpose: To identify how you personally express a variety of emotions/feelings.

Instructions: Being as spontaneous as possible, complete the following sentences:

1. When I’m angry, I express it by

2. When I’m worried, I express it by

3. When I’m sad, I express it by

4. When I’m depressed, I express it by

5. When I feel like a failure, I express it by

6. When I’m afraid, I express it by

7. When I feel successful, I express it by

8. When I feel affectionate, I express it by

9. When I feel guilty, I express it by

10. When I feel lonely, I express it by

11. When I feel hurt, I express it by

12. When I feel rejected, I express it by

(continued)

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194

Discussion
1. Which of these feelings would you like to be able to express in a different manner?

2. Explain what steps you would take to learn how to express the feelings identifi ed in question 1.

3. Which of these feelings are the most diffi cult for you to express?

4. Which of these feelings are the easiest for you to express? Why?

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195

Name Date

Anger Inventory
Purpose: To learn how you confront and/or handle your anger.

Instructions: Complete these questions as quickly as you can. Your fi rst response is usually going to be the best.

1. I concern myself with others’ opinions of me more than I like to admit.

T F

2. It is not unusual for me to have a restless feeling on the inside. T F

3. I have had relationships with others that could be described as stormy or unstable. T F

4. It seems that I wind up helping others more than they help me. T F

5. I sometimes wonder how much my friends or family members accept me. T F

6. At times I seem to have an unusual amount of guilt even though it seems unnecessary. T F

7. At times I prefer to get away rather than to be around people. T F

8. I realize that I do not like to admit to myself how angry I feel. T F

9. Sometimes I use humor to avoid facing my feelings or to keep others from knowing
how I really feel.

T F

10. I have a problem of thinking too many critical thoughts. T F

11. Sometimes I can use sarcasm in a very biting way. T F

12. I have known moments of great tension and stress. T F

13. When I feel angry, I sometimes fi nd myself doing things I know are wrong. T F

14. I like having times when no one knows what I am doing. T F

15. I usually do not tell people when I feel hurt. T F

16. At times I wish I had more friends. T F

17. I fi nd myself having more bodily aches and pains. T F

18. I have had trouble in the past in relating with members of the opposite sex. T F

19. Criticism bothers me a great deal. T F

20. I desire acceptance by others but fear rejection. T F

21. I worry a lot about my relationships with others. T F

22. I believe I am somewhat socially withdrawn. T F

23. I believe I am overly sensitive to rejection. T F

24. I fi nd myself preoccupied with my personal goals for success. T F

25. I often have felt inferior to others. T F

26. There are times when I like to convince myself that I am superior to others. T F

27. Even though I do not like it, I sometimes am phony in social settings. T F

28. I do not seem to have the emotional support I would like from my family or friends. T F

29. I would like to tell people exactly what I think. T F

(continued)

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196

30. My concentration sometimes seems poor. T F

31. I have had sleep patterns that do not seem normal. T F

32. I worry about fi nancial matters. T F

33. There are times when I feel inadequate in the way I handle personal relationships. T F

34. My conscience bothers me about things I have done in the past. T F

35. Sometimes it seems that my religious life is more of a burden than a help. T F

36. There are times when I would like to run away from home. T F

37. I have had too many quarrels or disagreements with members of my family. T F

38. I have been disillusioned with love. T F

39. Sometimes I have diffi culty controlling my weight, whether gaining or losing too much. T F

40. At times I feel that life owes me more than it has given me. T F

41. I have had trouble controlling my sexual urges. T F

42. To be honest, I prefer to fi nd someone to blame my problems on. T F

43. My greatest struggles are within myself. T F

44. Other people fi nd more fault with me than they really should. T F

45. Many of the nice things I do are done out of a sense of obligation. T F

46. Many mornings I wake up not feeling refreshed. T F

47. I fi nd myself saying things sometimes that I should not have said. T F

48. It is not unusual for me to forget someone’s name after I have just met him/her. T F

49. It is diffi cult for me to motivate myself to do things that do not have to be done. T F

50. My decisions are often governed by my feelings. T F

51. When something irritates me, I fi nd it hard to get calmed down quickly. T F

52. I would rather watch a good sporting event than spend a quiet evening at home. T F

53. I am hesitant for people to give me suggestions. T F

54. I tend to speak out when someone wants to know my opinions. T F

55. I would rather entertain guests in my own home than be entertained by them. T F

56. When people are being unreasonable, I usually take a strong dislike to them. T F

57. I am a fairly strict person, liking things to be done in a predictable way. T F

58. I consider myself to be possessive in my personal relationships. T F

59. Sometimes I could be described as moody. T F

60. People who know me well would say I am stubborn. T F

Total ____________

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197

Scoring & Evaluation
Go back and count the number of “Ts” you circled. This will tell you how great your need is to confront your anger.
For example:

I. Less than 15: You probably have pretty good control over your anger (or else you were using a lot of denial).
Look back over the questions you responded to with a “T” and you will be able to focus on those items as areas
for further improvement.

II. Between 15 and 30: You are probably in the normal range. You are willing to admit that you have anger within
you and you know you have plenty of room to grow. You will need to be careful as you learn to handle your
anger in more effective ways.

III. Between 31 and 40: You have probably experienced more than your share of problems. Chances are you have
had more dissatisfying moments than you would like to admit.

IV. Greater than 41: You probably need to work diligently at keeping your anger under control.

Discussion
1. Do you agree with the description of how you confront your anger? Why or why not?

2. As you analyze your results, what do you think you need to do to confront and/or handle your anger?

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199

Name Date

Do Women Express More Emotions Than Men?
Purpose: Is the cultural stereotype of the unexpressive male and the more expressive female true?

Instructions: Divide the class between the males and the females, with the males on one side, and the females on
the other.

Beginning with one of the following statements, have one gender give their views on the following statements, and
then have the other gender respond until all statements have been addressed.

A. Is it true that women are more likely than men to express positive emotions like love, liking, joy, and
contentment and that women have a hard time expressing anger? Why or why not?

B. Is it true that women are more likely than men to express feelings of vulnerability like fear, sadness, loneliness,
and embarrassment and that men have diffi culty expressing sadness? Why or why not?

C. Is it true that men rarely express positive emotions and feelings of vulnerability, especially to their male friends,
although they may be more expressive to the woman they love? Why or why not?

D. Is it true that men are less bashful about revealing their strengths? Why or why not?

E. Is it true that while men experience emotions much like women, they may tend to mask their emotional
inclinations? Why or why not?

F. Is it true that men often express their feelings through actions and activities rather than words? Why or why not?

G. Is it true that women are better able to “pick up” (read) the emotions of others? Why or why not?

H. Is it true that men tend to be better than women at returning to normal after experiencing distressing
emotions? Why or why not?

(continued)

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200

Discussion
1. Is there a difference in the way men and women express emotions? If so, how?

2. Is it possible that the real difference in the expression of emotions between men and women is just an
individual personality difference?

3. What do you plan to teach your male children and your female children about the expression of emotions?

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201

Name Date

Dealing with Emotions
Learning Journal

Select the statement below that best defi nes your feelings about the personal value or meaning gained from this
chapter and respond below the dotted line.

I learned that I . . . I was surprised that I . . .

I realized that I . . . I was pleased that I . . .

I discovered that I . . . I was displeased that I . . .

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Getting Acquainted with Ourselves

and Others

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The 10 Most Important Words
In Any Loving Relationship

1. Trust
2. Intimacy
3. Communication
4. Commitment
5. Love
6. Friendship
7. Patience
8. Humor
9. Flexibility
10. Forgiveness

Gregory J. P. Godek
Love

Developing Close Relationships

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250 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

We will continue following the development of this relationship throughout
this chapter.

The Development of a Relationship

Relationships evolve, they do not just happen. Th ey take time and eff ort .
Th e fi rst step in a relationship is becoming aware of the other person— fi rst
impressions. At this time we evaluate the person, using our past experience,
prejudices, and stereotyping to make a judgment about whether or not to
take the next step. Walt is impressed with Sarah’s physical appearance—he
perceives her as being attractive. Remember, beauty is in the eye of the
beholder, not all people would perceive her as beautiful. Now that Walt has
become aware of Sarah, he needs to decide how he is going to take the next
step, that is making contact, or getting acquainted with her. Th is is a diffi cult
step for many individuals.
What would you recommend for Walt to do in order to get to know Sarah?
Th e mere exposure phenomenon may work in this situation (Wood et al.
2007). Th e more familiar we are with someone or something, the greater the
chance of liking them. Th e more Sarah sees Walt, the greater the chance of her
interacting with him and liking him. Walt could improve his odds of making
contact with Sarah by sitting in the chair next to her (proximity) or by making
sure that he stands near the door everyday so she has to pass by him to enter
the classroom (exposure). Do not be too aggressive in this process or you may
threaten the other person. During the fi rst week or so, Walt may not even
want to say anything—do not make it too obvious.

Think about this
Walt is a junior in college. He has had a lot of dates, but has never had a “real serious” intimate relationship with
a member of the opposite sex. Walt has many close friends and is very active in school activities. He likes to ski,
play tennis, watch Woody Allen movies, and listen to jazz. Walt would like to become a lawyer and is majoring in
political science.

Sarah is a sophomore in college and has dated the same person since her junior year in high school. Sarah was a
cheerleader and her boyfriend was captain of his football team. Th ey seem to be “made” for each other. Th ey had the
same friends, went to dances together, and studied together. Sarah does not seem to have any other friends since she
was always with her boyfriend. Sarah also seems to be depressed. Th ere seems to be something missing in her life,
but she is not sure what it is. Presently, Sarah’s boyfriend is attending college in another state. She misses him, so she
writes and calls him oft en.

Sarah would like to become a judge, so she is in a pre-law program with emphasis in history. She likes to play
tennis and racquetball, water ski, and listen to jazz. Her boyfriend likes to play and watch football. Sarah only
watches football if her boyfriend is playing. He likes ice hockey and plays basketball with the boys. He enjoys going
to rock concerts. Her boyfriend is majoring in computer science. When Sarah and her boyfriend get together they
are very active and busy, but they do not seem to really talk.

It’s the fi rst day of a new term and classes are just beginning. Walt walks into his European History class and sits
down and notices an attractive female sitting three chairs away. It so happens that the attractive female is Sarah.
Walt says to himself, “I would like to get to know her. Just looking at her makes my heart beat faster.” Now the
dilemma, how does he get to know her and what are the chances of him developing a close intimate relationship
with her, especially since she already has a boyfriend?

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 251

Th e third step is disclosure. As we become friends, we are more willing to
disclose more about our personal lives—our hopes, dreams, and fears. As
we begin to disclose information about ourselves, we are demonstrating to
our partner that we trust them and they in turn will disclose to us. Th us,
the relationship will become stronger and more intimate. As Walt begins
to open up slowly to Sarah, and Sarah to Walt, the relationship will begin
to develop. Walt could begin by asking Sarah questions about European
History, then talk about school-related subjects, ask about her hobbies and
interests, and tell her about his interests. As they continue disclosing infor-
mation about themselves to each other, their interest in one another will
continue to grow.

Do all the terms and concepts mentioned so far sound familiar? Th ey
should; we discussed all of them thoroughly in chapter one. Th is was a
review of how a relationship develops over a period of time, and now we will
discover how the relationship will continue to evolve into a more intimate
relationship.

Becoming Friends

Friends play a very signifi cant role in our lives. Th roughout our life they are
important to us. Th ey may provide help in a time of need, praise in times
of achievement, sympathy in a time of sorrow, support in a time of failure,
and advice in a time of confusion. Without friends we are lonely. Friends
provide us with the emotional support and social ties that are vital to our well
being. A good friend will always be there when they are needed. We can rely
on their support no matter what happens to us. Th ey also provide us with
a feeling of belonging and a feeling that we are part of a group. We need an
identity, and our friends help us in the development of fi nding who we are.
Good friends satisfy these needs.

Who do you consider your good friends? A good friend could be a fam-
ily member, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a spouse, a work colleague, a teacher,
a clergyman, a fellow member of a religious, social, recreational, or political
group, or any other person. Remember, the more “good” friends you have, the
more secure you will be. Research continues to suggest that having close rela-
tionships helps people adjust to stressful situations and buff ers people from
the ill eff ects of negative life events like: accidents, divorce, loss of a loved one,
or family problems, etc. (Myers 2008).

Can men and women be friends? Researchers tell
us that men and women can be friends. However, do
we really believe them? A survey of more than 1,450
members of the Match.com dating site revealed that
we are an optimistic bunch (Chatterjee 2001). See
Consider this.

WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF A GOOD FRIEND? A
recent student poll at Tarrant County College asked,
“What values do you think are important in a friend-
ship?” Here are a few of their responses:

Trust, someone you can share a problem with.
Someone who will be there for you and will know
you’re going to be there for them

B e slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

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252 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

Honesty
Loyalty

Acceptance, humor, sense of fun, honesty, mainly acceptance of each
other

Trust, keeping your word, loyalness, love, understanding, being able to
trust him around your woman

Trust is most important, reliability, acceptance, honesty. You can accept
their faults as well as their good traits

Trust

Th e responses from the 2009 survey in Texas are very similar to a 1979
survey of 40,000 readers of Psychology Today magazine. Th e readers were
to indicate what qualities they valued in a friend. Th e results suggest that
keeping confi dences and loyalty were the most important factors in a good
friend. If you review the responses given by the Tarrant County College stu-
dents, you will note that trust and loyalty were also the most mentioned. Th e
next most important ingredients of friendships are warmth/aff ection and
supportiveness. Th e respondents also indicated the importance of frankness
and a sense of humor in a relationship. Also, the respondents emphasized,
as Carl Rogers did in chapter two, the importance of unconditional accep-
tance from a friend— accept me as I am—not how you want me to be.

CAN YOU TRUST YOUR FRIENDS? If not, are they friends? Keeping confi dence
and trust are almost synonymous. Trust and respect is something people need

Consider this . . . Consider this . . .

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

A survey of more than 1,450 members of the match.com dating site
revealed the following:

1. Do you believe men and women can be platonic friends?
Yes: 83% No: 11% Unsure: 6%
2. Have you had a platonic friendship that crossed the line and

became romantic or sexual?
Yes: 62% No: 36% Unsure: 2%
3. Who is more likely to misinterpret the intimacy of friendship for

sexual desire?
Men: 64% Women: 25% Unsure: 11%
4. Is it possible to fall in love with someone who fi rst enters your

life as a friend?
Yes: 97% No: 4% Unsure: 2%
5. Do you hope that when you do fall in love, your partner will

have started out as your friend?
Yes: 71% No: 9% Unsure: 20%
6. Who is better at keeping sex out of a platonic relationship?
Men: 13% Women: 67% Unsure: 20%

T rue friendship is a plant of
slow growth.

GEORGE WASHINGTON

Camille Chatterjee 2001 .

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 253

to earn and not be given away lightly. Th ere are three questions that need to
be answered that will help us make decisions about whether to trust someone
or not:

1. How predictable is the individual? A predictable person is someone
whose behavior is consistent—consistently good or bad. An
unpredictable person keeps us guessing about what might happen
next. Such volatile people may make life interesting, but they do not
inspire much in the way of confi dence.

2. Can I depend upon her or him? A dependable person can be relied
upon when it counts. One way to tell is to see how a partner behaves in
situations where it is possible to care or not to care.

3. Do I have faith in that person? Th rough “thick and thin” you know you
can rely on this person. Th ey make us feel “safe.”

DOES SARAH TRUST WALT? IS HE LOYAL? Is Walt Predictable? Can Walt
Depend on Sarah? Is Walt being honest with Sarah? Are they friends yet?
Only time will tell. Th ey are still getting acquainted. It takes time for a rela-
tionship to grow and develop. What other factors are important in becoming
friends?

SIMILARITIES. Is it true that “opposites attract?” Or is it true that “birds
of a feather fl ock together?” Look around. Do most of your friends have
diff erent interests, beliefs, and political preferences from you, or are they
similar? Research indicates that similarities attract. We tend to select
friends who are similar to us in many diff erent aspects, including eth-
nic background, social status, interests, income level, occupation, status,
educational level, and political preferences (Myers 2008). Similarities are
also important in the selection of a husband or wife. Th ere is a correlation
between length of marriage and the similarities between the two people.
Th e more similarities there are between the two spouses, the longer the
marriage tends to last.

DOES LIKENESSLEADTOLIKING? Why are we drawn to people who are simi-
lar to us? For one thing, people with similar interests and attitudes are likely to
enjoy the same hobbies and activities. Even more important, however, we are
more likely to communicate well with people whose ideas and opinions are
similar to ours, and communication is a very important aspect of an endur-
ing relationship. It is also reinforcing to be with similar people, for they con-
fi rm our view of the world, support our opinions and beliefs, and we in turn
provide mutual reinforcement for each other.

F orgiving
R eassuring
I nteresting
E mpathetic
N ice
D evoted
S incere .

BITS & PIECES

“Friendship is the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a
person having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring
all right out just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful
friendly hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and with a
breath of comfort, blow the rest away.”

George Eliot

A Defi nition of a Friend

T he man who trusts no others
doesn’t trust himself.

NAPOLEAN HILL

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254 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

What would it be like if your friends always disagreed with you? You
are a Republican and they are Democrats; you are pro-life and they are pro-
choice; you are religious and they are not; you are conservative and they are
liberal; you smoke and they do not; they like rock music and you like clas-
sical music; you like to participate in sports and they would rather smoke
dope. Are you going to have fun together or is there going to be a lot of
confl ict? Research studies have found that there are two critical similarities
that are important within a relationship; they are similar beliefs and similar
attitudes (Taylor and Peplau 2009) . When considering a long term commit-
ment between you and another person, ask yourself, what do we have in
common? Are our beliefs and attitudes similar? If they are not, you may
discover that over a period of time, confl ict is more apt to develop between
the two of you.

So, similarity breeds content. Birds of a feather do fl ock together (Hyde and
DeLamater 2007) . Surely you have noticed this upon discovering a special

someone who shares your ideas, values, and desires—a
soul mate who likes the same music, the same activi-
ties, even the same foods you do. So, how do I fi nd
someone who has something in common with me?

WHERE DO I GO TO FIND FRIENDS? You need to go
to those places where you will fi nd other people who
have similar interests and needs. Proximity , or physi-
cal nearness, is a major factor in the development of
friendships. When you were a young kid, most of your
friends came from the local neighborhood where you
lived, then from the local school you attended. Th is
is what we mean when we say proximity—you get to
know the people you are near or close to in regards
to location. Proximity eff ects may seem self-evident,
but it is sobering to realize that your friendship and

Consider this . . . Consider this . . .

Qualities of a Friend

(In order of importance)

1. Keeps confi dence—89 percent
2. Loyalty—88 percent
3. Warmth and affection—82 percent
4. Supportiveness—75 percent
5. Honesty and frankness—73 percent
6. Sense of humor—72 percent
7. Willingness to make time for me—62 percent
8. Independence—61 percent
9. Good conversationalist—59 percent
10. Intelligence—58 percent
11. Social conscience—49 percent

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Psychology Today 1979 .

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 255

love interests are shaped by seating charts in school, desk arrangements at
the offi ce or business, fl oor assignments in residence halls, and closeness of
your neighbors (Bersheid and Reis 1998).

So, where do you go to meet people? Where have you met most of your
friends? Should you go to church? What about bars and sports bars? What
about political events, if you are interested in politics? Should you consider
the Internet?

INTERNET DATING. Th ere was a time when online dating or the posting of
personal ads in newspapers was seen as a crutch used only by those desperate
for a date. Times have changed. In the U.S., matchmaking has taken off as a
huge industry only in this decade, with close to 1,000 Internet sites such as
Match.com, American Singles, LavaLife, PerfectMatch, True, and E-Harmony,
just to name a few. Also, online matchmaking sites in the U.S. are eyeing mil-
lions of singles in China, India and beyond. According to the Pew Internet &
American Life Project (2007), about 16 million Americans have tried online
dating. Pew found that 79 percent say online dating is a good way to meet
people, and 52 percent say the experience was mostly positive. However,
29 percent say it was mostly negative.

Since it is true that some of these sites focus on helping people fi nd suit-
able marriage partners, other sites focused on less committed involvements,
and some even focus on specifi c populations—people over 50, parents with-
out partners, Christian and single, and so on. (Overstreet 2007). So, be sure to
research thoroughly and think carefully about how diff erent sites work before
you decide to join a site. And, be quite cautious of what personal information
you post as well as specifi c arrangements for meeting in person.

Let’s check in on Walt and Sarah. Do they have anything in common?
To begin, they are both taking European History, that is a good start.
Th ey are both in the pre-law program and enjoy studying history and
political science. Th ey both like to ski and participate in individual sports
like tennis. Aft er having coff ee with Walt, Sarah thinks to herself, “Walt
seems to be quite intelligent, he is very likable, I hope we get to
meet again.” Th ey seem to have a lot in common—a lot more in
common than Sarah and her present boyfriend. Th ese similarities
give Walt and Sarah a lot to talk about. Does Walt have a chance to
start dating Sarah? Wait and see.

DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT? What about the saying opposites attract?
Th ey do for a period of time, until the novelty wears off , and then you
will discover that these dissimilar beliefs, interests, and attitudes cause
more confl ict than attraction. You may fi nd someone from a diff erent
culture exciting and interesting, primarily because of the novelty. You
may interpret this interest as attraction, but over time you may dis-
cover that you do not have anything in common and the excitement
and interest will wane.

Another interesting phenomenon is the fact that some people are
initially and spontaneously repulsed by strangers who are very dis-
similar to themselves (Rosenbaum 1986). Th is is referred to as the
repulsion hypothesis . Attitudes and values that contradict our own are
physiologically arousing. Just as we implicitly assume that people who
are similar to us will probably like us and treat us well, so we implicitly
assume that people who are very diff erent from us will probably dislike

M aybe the important thing is how people pay attention to
each other, no matter what they’re
talking about or doing.

JOHN GOTTMAN

Where do you go to fi nd friends?

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256 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

us and treat us poorly. Th us, initial dissimilarities can cut a relationship short.
Can you think of some examples where you have experienced this?

But, what about people we know who have been married for years and
seem to be totally diff erent and seem to be happy together? Even though they
seem to be opposites, they are very compatible. Why?

DO THEY COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER? People with complementary needs
seem to be drawn to each other. You notice that one of your friends is very
outgoing and her boyfriend is very shy. Th is does not seem consistent with
the idea that similarities attract. Why do they get along so well? We discover
that diff erences in which one person’s strengths compensate for the other
person’s weaknesses may lead to mutual attraction (Strong et al. 2007). Th e
personalities seem to complement each other. In most relationships, each
person supplies certain qualities that the other partner is lacking. Does your
partner supply these missing characteristics?

SOCIAL EXCHANGE THEORY. According to social exchange theory , we mea-
sure our actions and relationships on a cost-benefi t basis. People maximize
their rewards and minimize their costs by employing their resources to gain
the most favorable outcome (Strong et al. 2007). We generally think of
rewards and costs as tangible objects, like money. However, in personal
relationships, resources, rewards, and costs are more likely to be things
such as love, companionship, status, power, fear, loneliness, and so on. As
people enter into relationships, they have certain resources—either tangible
or intangible—that others consider valuable, such as intelligence, warmth,
good looks, or high social status. Individuals consciously or unconsciously
use their various resources to obtain what they want, as when they “turn
on” the charm. Have you ever wondered what a friend of yours sees in his
or her partner? Your friend is so much better looking and more intelli-
gent than the partner. (Attractiveness and intelligence are typical resources
in our society.) However, it turns out that the partner has a good sense
of humor, is considerate, and is an accomplished artist, all of which your
friend values highly.

RECIPROCITY. “Flattery will get you . . . everything or nowhere?” Which is
true? What have you heard? Th e evidence on reciprocity indicates that we
tend to like those who show that they like us and that we tend to see others as
liking us more if we like them (Baron and et al. 2008). Th us, there does seem
to be an interactive process in which liking leads to liking and loving leads
to loving.

If our self-esteem is low, we are more susceptible to fl attery, especially
if the compliment is from someone of higher status. A person of high self-
esteem may not be so easily swayed by positive treatment. Do you like
to receive compliments? How do you feel about the person that is giving
the compliments? Do they have a positive or negative infl uence on you?
Do you now understand why some people seem to be greatly infl uenced
by people who are nice to them, especially if that person is perceived as
important to them?

Walt has been complimenting Sarah a lot the last few weeks. He tells
her how nice she looks, that he likes her dress, he likes her hair style, etc.
Will this infl uence her feelings toward Walt, especially since she has been
depressed lately? Th e story continues.

I f you like me, you must have
excellent judgment.

S. A. RUTHUS

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world
walks out.

WALTER WINCHELL

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 257

We have discovered the importance of a friend and now we will see how
the relationship evolves into a more intimate level as we begin the process of
dating and mate selection.

Dating and Mate Selection

Th e changing roles of men and women, economic pressures, and the fra-
gility of the environment have caused relationships to be stress tested on a
daily basis. Even within this stressful context, however, relationship develop-
ment and mate selection continue to thrive. Th e basis of mate selection is
courtship—the interesting processes in which two people get together and
hopefully stay together. So, what makes someone desirable to us? What are
the traits we fi nd attractive in potential dates and mates?

WHAT MAKES SOMEONE DESIRABLE? What attracts men and women to their
potential mate? In part, romantic attraction is a mystery. Scientists may not
know everything about why people are drawn to the people that they are, but
they know something. Every culture has standards for courtship and mar-
riage. Without really thinking about it, most of us dutifully follow our cultural
dictates. As we discussed the development of friendships and relationships in
the previous pages of this chapter and in chapter one, we will discover that
the same characteristics that are important in fi nding friends are also very
important in date and mate selection.

Most of us are looking for dates, mates, and friends who are similar to
us (similarities). We seek out others who are about our own age, who are
from the same socio-economic class, religion, and educational level. Th ey
cannot be too tall or too short, too fat or too thin in comparison to us. Such
preliminary screening cuts out a surprising number of potential partners.
But most of us want more. Generally, we want someone who we perceive as
good looking (physical attractiveness), personable, warm, a good sense of
humor, someone we can trust, and who is intelligent. We also want some-
one whose views match our own. Other important variables that most of us
also consider are reciprocity, personality fi t, and most important, our own
self-concept (self-confi dence).

Review Gender and You, What Characteristics Do I Desire in a Potential
Mate, and decide how you would rate the characteristics. Are there any other
gender mate preferences?

Research shows that males and females exhibit both similarities and dif-
ferences in what they look for in a marital partner.

In a 1997 survey of American college students’ most preferred qualities
in a mate, both men and women ranked mutual attraction/love, depend-
able character, and emotional stability/maturity, respectively, the high-
est. (Buss et al. 2001).

Women tend to place a higher value than men on potential partners’
socioeconomic status, intelligence, ambition, and fi nancial prospects
(Buss 2005).

Men consistently show more interest than women in potential partners’
youthfulness, good health, and physical attractiveness (Buss 2005).

Men prefer wives who are somewhat younger than they are, and women
prefer husbands that are somewhat older. However, we are noticing a
new trend—as women become more economically independent, they

Y ou don’t marry one person,
you marry three: the person

you think they are, the person they
are, and the person they are going
to become as a result of being
married to you.

RICHARD NEEDHAM

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258 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

are becoming more interested in selecting younger men as dates and
sometimes mates (King 2008).

MATE SELECTION THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. Do people from diff erent
countries and diff erent cultures look for the same traits when selecting a
mate? Th e traits that people look for in a marriage vary around the world.
In one large-scale study from thirty-seven countries and fi ve islands, people
varied in what they considered important in selecting a mate (Buss et al.
1990). Chastity was the most important factor in marital selection in China,
India, Indonesia, Iran, Taiwan, and the Palestinian Arab culture. Adults
from Japan and Ireland placed moderate importance on chastity. In con-
trast, adults in Sweden, Finland, Norway, the Netherlands, and Germany
generally said that chastity was not important in selecting a marital partner.
Researchers were surprised that men and women in the Netherlands, for
example, do not care about chastity at all. Neither is virginity valued much
in the Scandinavian countries such as Norway and Sweden. In China, how-
ever, virginity is indispensable in a mate—marrying a non-virgin is virtually
out of the question.

Adults from the Zulu culture in South Africa, Estonia, and Columbia placed
a high value on housekeeping skills in their marital preference. By contrast,
adults in all Western European countries (except Spain, Canada and the United
States) said that housekeeping was not an important trait in their partner.

I nfatuation is when you think
that he’s as sexy as Robert

Redford, as smart as Henry
Kissinger, as noble as Ralph
Nader, as funny as Woody Allen,
and as athletic as Jimmy Conners.
Love is when you realize that he’s
as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart
as Jimmy Conners, as funny as
Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry
Kissinger and nothing like Robert
Redford in any category—but
you’ll take him anyway.

JUDITH VIORST

What Characteristics Do I Desire in a Potential Mate?
Following is how a large sample of males and females from a number of different cultures rated the
importance of 18 characteristics in a potential mate. A rank of one is the most important and a rank of
18 is the least important.

Characteristic Rank

Males Females
Mutual attraction-love 1 1
Emotional stability and maturity 2 2
Dependable character 3 3
Pleasing disposition 4 4
Education and good intelligence 5 5
Good health 6 9
Good looks 7 13
Sociability 8 8
Desire for home and children 9 7
Refi nement, neatness 10 12
Ambition and industriousness 11 6
Similar education 12 10
Good cook and housekeeper 13 16
Favorable social status or rating 14 14
Similar religious background 15 15
Good fi nancial prospect 16 11
Chastity (no prior sexual intercourse) 17 18
Similar political background 18 17

&
YOU

GE
NDER

Adapted from Santrock (2006).

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 259

What about religion? It plays an important role in marital preferences
in many cultures. For example, Islam stresses the honor of the male and
the purity of the female. It also emphasizes the woman’s role in childbear-
ing, childrearing, educating children, and instilling the Islamic faith in their
children.

Whether we are drawn to people by familiarity, similarity, beauty, or
some other quality, mutual attraction sometimes progresses from friendship
to the more intense, complex, and mysterious feeling of love.

Becoming Lovers

Th ere is a great similarity between love relationships and good-friend rela-
tionships. In both of these are high levels of trust, mutual respect, and accep-
tance. Further, the interactions between the people involved are characterized
by high levels of understanding, nurturing, and confi ding. Nonetheless, the
love relationship with its greater depth of caring and exclusiveness, typically
generates greater emotion and power. As a result, it can aff ect individuals
more, having the potential to meet a broader sweep of human needs or to
cause greater frustration and distress.

Remember when Walt saw Sarah for the fi rst time? It was the fi rst
day of class and Walt was fearful of having to take the European History
class, because he had heard that this professor was one of the most dif-
fi cult at the college. He was nervous and his heart was beating rapidly as
he looked up and saw Sarah for the fi rst time. Was it love? Walt thinks so.
He attributed his physical arousal to Sarah and not to the fear of taking
the class.

WHAT IS LOVE? Have you ever looked at someone for the fi rst time and said
to yourself, “I think I’m in love?” Is there such a thing as love at fi rst sight?
Research has found that we do not fall in love—we grow into love. Th en, what
is love?

Th is is a question people have been asking for years. Mass media, roman-
tic novels, soap operas, songs, etc., have all been attempting to answer this
question.

Love is a many splendored thing
All that the world needs is love
Love makes the world go around

I can’t live without love
How do I love thee, let me count the ways
Love means never having to say you are sorry

Our lives seem to evolve around this subject. But, does anyone know what
love is? Everyone seems to have their own defi nition of love. When your date
says that he or she loves you, what does your date mean? Is it the same as
when your mother or father says it to you? What is your defi nition of love?
Before you continue, take a few minutes and write down your defi nition of
love. Share your defi nition of love with your friends and loved ones. Compare
your defi nition with theirs.

We have found a defi nition of love that we would like to share with you.
When the satisfaction, security, and development of another person is as

L ove is what’s left in a
relationship when all the

selfi shness has been removed.

CULLEN HIGHTOWER

L ove is not fi nding someone
you can live with; it’s fi nding

someone you can’t live without.

RAFAEL ORTIZ

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260 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

important to you as your own satisfaction, security, and development, love
exists (Harry Stack Sullivan 1968). Using this defi nition of love, you will fi nd
that you can measure your love not only for your signifi cant other, but your
mother, father, siblings, friends, animals, and even inanimate objects. What
do you think?

What are your answers to the above questions? Th ese are some interesting
myths about love that many of us have been agonizing over for years. Let us
take a look at these myths and dispel some of the confusion regarding them
(Weiten and Lloyd 2009).

1. Does true love last forever? It would be nice if love would last forever,
but most of us have found that it does not. People who believe this
myth may pursue love forever, looking for the ideal one that will bring
complete happiness. Th is person will experience a lifetime of frustration.
Would we have divorce if love lasted forever? It would be more realistic
to view love as a wonderful experience that might be encountered on
several occasions throughout life.

2. Does love conquer all? Many people believe that love and marriage will
allow them to overcome (conquer) all their frustrations and problems
in life. A supportive partner will help you solve many of your problems,
but it does not guarantee success. Many people jump into relationships
for this purpose, only to discover that the relationship creates additional
problems.

3. Is love a purely positive experience? Mass media, television, romance
novels, etc. are creating an unrealistic expectation that love is such a
positive experience. In reality it can be a peak experience, but love can
also bring intense negative emotions and great pain. As many of you
know, a lover is capable of taking us to emotional peaks in either
direction.

4. Do you know when you are in love? Th ere is no physiological cue
to tell us we are in love. So the emotional feeling and the cognitive
interpretation is diff erent for each of us. It is a state of confusion that
many of us agonize over. It is normal to question our feelings toward
another person. Remember, we grow to love someone gradually and
usually do not fall in love.

5. Do you behave irrationally when you fall in love? Does love take control
of your behavior? Some people stop eating, quit studying, are unable to
concentrate on their job and avoid taking responsibility for their actions
because they are in love. If you allow your heart to take control of your
behavior, you may become vulnerable to irrational decisions about
sexual involvement or long term commitments.

L ove is the strange
bewilderment which

overtakes one person on
account of another person.

JAMES TURBER AND E.B. WHITE

True or False
T F 1. True love lasts forever.
T F 2. Love can conquer all.
T F 3. Love is a purely positive experience.
T F 4. When you fall in love, you’ll know it.
T F 5. When love strikes, you have no control over your behavior.

Myths about Love

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 261

LOVE IS? Love is complex! Love is confusing! Most
of you are aware of this. Love is diffi cult to measure
and perplexing. People are yearning for it, will die for
it, and even kill for it. But for some reason we have
avoided studying it until the last few years. Psycholo-
gists are now doing research attempting to discover
what love is. Robert Sternberg (1988) has developed
a theory of love that includes three distinct compo-
nents: 1) passion , an intense physiological desire for
another person; 2) intimacy , the feeling that one can
share all one’s thoughts and actions with another;
3) commitment , the willingness to stay with a person
through thick and thin, or for better or worse, or in
sickness or health. Ideally, marriage is characterized
by a healthy amount of all three components. Vari-
ous combinations of these components result in quite
diff erent types of love. Figure 6.1 will demonstrate
some of these. For example, Sternberg suggests that
romantic love involves a high degree of passion and
intimacy, yet lacks substantial commitment to the other person. Compan-
ionate love is marked by a great deal of intimacy and commitment but little
passion. Consummate love is the most complete because it includes a high
level of all three components. It is the most satisfying because the relation-
ship is likely to fulfi ll many of the needs of each partner.

Walt cannot think of anything but Sarah. “She’s so wonderful, she’s
really pretty, I don’t think I can live without her.” What is Walt experienc-
ing? Is it love yet? Early in a relationship it may only be passion. When
love has only passion (without intimacy or commitment), it is oft en
called “infatuation.” We are infatuated with the other person when we
cannot stop thinking about them and become physiologically aroused by
touching, seeing, or even thinking of them.

Having a lot in common with Walt, Sarah has a warm comfort-
able feeling for him. She is concerned about his success and is will-
ing to do whatever she can to help him succeed. Is this the intimacy
stage? When love has only intimacy (without passion or commit-
ment), we might be better off calling it “liking.” Th is is when we
enjoy being with our partner, respect them, and share with them.
Would you call this love?

Does Sarah only like Walt or could it be something else? Sarah
has been thinking more about the relationship recently, as time
goes by she’s considering the fact that this relationship could last
forever. She would stay with Walt through “thick and thin.” Is she
getting more serious over the relationship? Is it love yet? When
love has only commitment, it is “empty love.” We display empty
love when we remain in a relationship from which all passion and
intimacy have gone, as unhappy couples do “for the sake of the
children.” Is this all that Sarah is experiencing?

Wait a minute! Th ere may be more to Walt’s and Sarah’s relation-
ship. What’s missing? Take a look at the Triangle of Love ( Figure 6.1 ).
We notice that their relationship is maturing. Th ere seems to be
an equal mixture of intimacy, passion and decision/commitment,
and this is called consummate love—an ideal, but diffi cult to attain

L ove is the word used to label
the sexual excitement of the

young, the habituation of the
middle aged, and the mutual
dependence of the old.

JOHN CIARDI

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Does true love last forever?

What things can you do to maintain the
components of love?

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262 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

relationship. Th is is the type of relationship we should all be striving to
reach. Do all cultures experience this? See Focus on Diversity—Is Th ere a
Cultural Infl uence on Love?

THE DEVELOPMENT OF LOVE. Early in a relationship, passion is usually high,
which may be one reason new love relationships and aff airs are most intense.
Intimacy, however, is not as high because the partners have not spent enough
time together or shared enough experiences and emotions to be able to under-
stand each other completely. Passionate love without intimacy creates a risk of

Figure 6.1 Is This What Love Is Made Of?

A Triangular Model of Love
Sternberg conceptualized love in the form of a triangle with three basic components: intimacy, passion, and
decision/commitment. Love may be based primarily on one of these components, on a combination of two
of them, or on all three. As shown in the figure, seven different types of relationships are possible, depending
on how the components are combined.

Adapted from Sternberg 1988.

Liking = Intimacy Alone
(true friendship without passion
or long-term commitment)

Consummate Love =
Intimacy + Passion +

Commitment
(a complete love consisting of
all three components—and an
ideal, but diffi cult to attain)

Romantic Love =
Intimacy + Passion

(lovers physically and emotion-
ally attracted to each other but
without commitment, as in a
summer romance)

Infatuation = Passion
Alone

(passionate, obsessive love at
fi rst sight without intimacy or
commitment)

Companionate Love =
Intimacy + Commitment

(long-term commitment and
friendship such as a marriage
in which the passion has faded)

Empty Love = Decision/
Commitment Alone

(decision to love another with-
out intimacy or passion)

Fatuous Love = Passion
+ Commitment

(commitment based on passion
but without time for intimacy to
develop—shallow relationship
such as a whirlwind courtship)

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 263

misunderstanding and jealousy about any other person or activity that seems
to interfere with the relationship.

Over time, passion seems to fade while intimacy and commitment
grow stronger. According to Sternberg, passion is like an addiction: in the
beginning a touch of the hand, a smile, even a mere glance will produce
excitement. Gradually, however, one needs a greater dose of stimulation
to get the same feeling. We habituate to the passion, and thus to continue
this intense feeling for one another, novel and signifi cant stimuli must be
provided by each of the two individuals.

An understanding of the three components of love and the developmental
process will help couples in the building of their relationship. A couple may
want to schedule specifi c times each week, away from children and family,
for a period of intimate sharing—a time to discuss problems as well as happy
times. You may want to keep the passage burning by scheduling a weekend at
the beach, buying your mate a special gift , taking them out to a special dinner,
serving them breakfast in bed, etc. What else can you do to maintain the three
components of love?

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. Aft er more than 30 years of marriage coun-
seling, Dr. Gary Chapman (1995), author of the Five Love Languages, has
concluded that there are basically fi ve emotional love languages—fi ve ways
that people speak and understand emotional love. And, it is highly possible
that your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may
be as diff erent as Chinese is from English. No matter how hard you try to
express your love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you
will never understand how to love each other. Dr. Chapman believes that
love is something you do for someone else; therefore, it is critical to learn to
express or respond to the needs of your spouse. Realizing that none of these
are gender specifi c, Dr. Chapman’s languages are as follows:

1. Words of Affi rmation. Some people need verbal appreciation and
encouragement in order to feel loved. Th is may be nothing more than
“You look great in that suit,” or “You are the best yard guy we’ve ever
had”, or “I know you will fi nish your degree.”

L ove is patient, love is kind. It
does not envy, it does not

boast, it is not proud. It is not
rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, and it keeps no
record of wrongs. Love does not
delight in evil but rejoices with the
truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, and always
prevails.

CORINTHIANS

13:4–7

Is There a Cultural Infl uence on Love?

Cultural factors have a strong infl uence on the value of love. In the United States,
love is crucial to a satisfying marriage. In the former Soviet Union, however, only
40 percent of the people say that they married for love; most did so because of
loneliness, shared interests, or an unplanned pregnancy (Baron et al. 2008). In
research including two individualistic societies (Canada and the United States) and
three collectivist societies (China, India, and Japan), romantic love is more likely

to be considered an important basis for marriage in individualistic societies than in collectivistic ones.
In many Asian societies, the persons getting married are supposed to take into account the wishes of
others, especially of parents and other family members. It is not unusual for marriages to be arranged
by the respective families on the basis of such factors as occupation and status, not on the basis of love
and the lover’s free choice. The intense feelings of passionate love and the self-absorption of two lov-
ers would be disruptive to the functioning of the group. In collectivist cultures, such as India and Japan,
love is considered less important to a successful marriage than is the ability to resolve family confl icts
(Matsumoto 2007; Dresser 2005).

IVERSIT
Y

FO
CUS

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264 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

2. Quality Time. Th is is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all
your energy on your mate. It’s turning off the TV and giving each other
quality time—quality listening time, or just doing something together.

3. Receiving Gift s. It is one thing to remember birthdays and anniversaries;
it’s quite more to learn how to give “little” gift s of thoughtfulness
throughout the week. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate
relates to the language of giving gift s, any visible sign of your love will
leave him/her feeling happy and secure in your relationship.

4. Acts of Service. Sometimes simple chores or tasks around the house that
are helpful to another person can be an undeniable expression of love.
Th e task may be to discover what acts performed out of the kindness
of your heart—not obligation—will show your love for your spouse.

5. Physical Touch. Many mates feel the most loved when they receive
physical contact from their partner—a hand on the shoulder, a hug, a
kiss, holding hands, a touch on the cheek. Remember, also, that sexual
contact, although extremely important, is only one dialect of physical
touch.

Perhaps the greatest task is to determine which love language means the
most to your spouse, but it is well worth it for a satisfying life together.

As we look at the relationship of Walt and Sarah, we fi nd that Walt
fi nally had the “guts” to ask Sarah out for coff ee aft er class. Th ey discov-
ered that they have a lot in common (similarities) and have begun to
disclose a lot of personal information about themselves to the other per-
son. As their personal disclosure increases, their level of trust increases.
Th eir attraction for one another grows. Th e fl ame is lit and the passion
becomes more intense. But, wait a minute, what happened to Sarah’s
boyfriend? Even though Sarah and her boyfriend have dated for more
than four years, they really did not have much in common other than
school activities. And remember that absence makes the heart grow
fonder for someone else (proximity). Remember, Sarah’s boyfriend is
going to college in another state.

Sarah and Walt have similar values, religious beliefs, attitudes about
life, and the same interests. Th ey are beginning to spend more and more
time together and the feeling of intimacy and commitment grows stron-
ger. Sarah is no longer depressed—she is excited about life and her new
relationship. She is looking to the future and setting goals. How does Walt
feel about the relationship? Is he committed to the relationship?

Who Works Harder, Males or Females?
If you are female and you think you do a lot more of the work when it comes to making your
relationship run smoothly—you are right. Researchers say that women have more relationship skills.

Women are better communicators. They are more comfortable in sharing their feelings and being
psychologically intimate (Miller 2005).

On the communication score, most men are still playing catch-up with women. For men, actual
physical proximity is often as good as intimacy (“I’m here, aren’t I?”) (Miller 2005).

Women are more likely than men to work at improving a relationship (Lawson 2005).
Men don’t think as often about a relationship’s complexities (Lawson 2005).

&
YOU
GE
NDER

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 265

MEN VS. WOMEN. On the whole, men tend to think they are compatible with
their partner before women do. One reason may be that men and women
tend to have diff erent attitudes about love. Men are more likely to be “roman-
tics.” For example, they are inclined to believe in love at fi rst sight, and to
regard true love as magical, impossible to explain or understand.

Women are more likely to be “pragmatists,” believing that fi nancial
security is as important as passion in nourishing a close relationship and
that there are many possible individuals that a person could learn to love.
Women tend to be more cautious than men before deciding to take the fi nal
step. Researchers say that women seem to do a lot more work when it comes
to making a relationship work. What is the next step? Is it marriage or some
alternative?

Becoming Committed

It is not entirely clear how and when commitment begins. At some time and
in some way, two people in a relationship decide that their satisfaction or
happiness with each other is signifi cantly greater than in their relationships
with other people. Th us, they agree to begin a relatively long-lasting, more
intimate relationship that to some extent excludes other close relationships.
Th e couple agrees to depend on each other for the satisfaction of important
needs, including companionship, love, and sex. Th e commitment may or may
not include the decision to live together.

Making an agreement with another person to enter into a deeper, more
exclusive, and lasting relationship is a crucially important life decision that
must be made freely and with careful thought. Many individuals, consciously
or unconsciously, feel pressured to enter into a relationship that they are not
sure is good for them. Many people are not happy in their existing relation-
ship or social situation, be it a bad home environment, an abusive mate, get-
ting too old, being lonely, an alcoholic or addicted mate, etc., so they feel
pressured to commit themselves to a new relationship as a means to escape
the bad situation. A person who is pushed or pressured into a relationship
will discover that their commitment is weaker and less enduring. If the com-
mitment is made in defi ance of pressure from parents or peers, the com-
mitment may be very strong. As many of you know, if your parents were
to tell you that you cannot date a specifi c person, you will do whatever it
takes to make sure you will date them and be more committed to them.

L ove is often nothing but a
favorable exchange between

two people who get the most of
what they can expect, considering
their value on the personality
market.

ERICH FROMM

One neglects to see an important factor in love, that of will.
To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a
judgment, it is a promise.
If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love
each other forever.
A feeling comes and it may go.
How can I judge that it will stay forever, if my actions do not involve
judgment and decision?

Erich Fromm
Psychoanalyst

Is Love a Feeling or a Decision?

L ove is more than a feeling;
it’s a journey that you take

with another person and both of
you are active participants in how
that journey unfolds.

PATRICIA LOVE

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266 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

Th is phenomenon is known as psychological reactance —the tendency to
protect or restore one’s sense of freedom or social control, oft en by doing the
opposite of what has been demanded. Th is is also known as the Romeo and
Juliet eff ect , where their love was intensifi ed, not weakened, by their families
opposition. In summation, a commitment is likely to be strongest when it is
arrived at freely and when it is cemented by taking action as a result of the
commitment.

SHOULD I REMAIN SINGLE? Although alternatives to marriage are more viable
than ever, experts still say that approximately ninety percent of us will marry
at least once. During the past 40 years in the United States, the average age
of marriage has risen steadily. According to Census Bureau data (2008), the
average age women marry is 26 years and for men 28 years. Furthermore,
the proportion of people age 30 to 34 who have never married continues to
increase.

Remaining single is becoming a more viable lifestyle. More and more
people are remaining single. Furthermore, the negative stereotype of people
who remain single, which pictures them as lonely, frustrated, depressed, odd,
and unchosen is disappearing.

Studies have shown that married people live longer and are healthier
throughout those extra years. Marriage does seem to help both spouses cope
better with stress, though men benefi t more than women. However, the stress
of a bad marriage can undo much of the good that comes along with a happy
one (Strong et al. 2007).

It is interesting to note that most studies fi nd that single women are more
satisfi ed with their lives and less distressed than comparable single men, and
various lines of evidence suggest that women get along without men better
than men get along without women (Stack and Eshleman 1998; Weiten and
Lloyd 2009).

SHOULD WE LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE? Th ere was a time when
“shacking up” was not viewed in a positive light. Today, this is called cohabi-
tation, meaning two partners living together as if married, and it’s no longer
viewed in such a negative light. Cohabitation has become increasingly com-
mon, not only in the United States, but also in other industrialized countries.
For example, rates are high in Great Britain, Australia, Denmark, Finland,
France, and Sweden. In fact, more children in Sweden are born to cohabi-
tating couples than to married couples. Th e percentage of U.S. couples who
cohabitate before marriage has greatly increased over the past 40 years,
with approximately 67 million opposite-sex couples living together in 2008
(Census Bureau 2008). It has increased all across socioeconomic, age, and
racial groups (Bumpass and Lu 2002; Strong 2007; Census Bureau 2008).

Th e majority of people who cohabit are under the age of 24 (Overstreet
2007). Most cohabitating relationships generally don’t last more than 2 years.
Less than 1 out of 10 lasts fi ve years, and a little over 50 percent eventually
marry. And, approximately one-third of cohabitating couples have children
(Hyde and Delamater 2007).

Not only do many couples consider cohabitation a prelude to marriage—a
trial marriage, they also believe that cohabitation improves the chances of
marital success (Wartik 2005). However, researchers have found an asso-
ciation between premarital cohabitation and increased marital discord and
divorce rates (Bumpass and Lu 2000; Coontz 2006). In fact, in one study,
40 percent of the couples who lived together before getting married divorced

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 267

within the fi rst 10 years of marriage compared with 31 percent for those who
didn’t live together fi rst (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 2002).

What seems to be the reasons for the higher divorce rate among cou-
ples who cohabit? Researchers believe that couples who decide to cohabit are
already at a higher risk of divorce than couples who do not, since they tend
to be more liberal, sexually experienced, have less traditional attitudes toward
marriage, family, and divorce, have slightly lower incomes, and are slightly
less religious than non-cohabitants (Bumpass and Lu 2002; Smock 2002).
A lot depends on the individual couple—especially their values.

As more and more people across diff erent backgrounds enter cohabita-
tion relationships, we will learn more concerning whether the experiences
of cohabitation or characteristics of those who cohabit
have greater impact on later marriage.

WHY SHOULD I MARRY? People tend to marry out of
mixed motives—many of them unclear even to them-
selves. Now that marriage is no longer necessary for
economic survival or the satisfaction of sexual needs,
love has become the major rationale for getting mar ried
and staying married. Unfortunately, people sometimes
marry for the wrong reasons: to become respectable,
for money, for a regular sexual outlet, for status, or to
make their parents happy. Even cohabiting couples
may marry for the wrong reason. Just when the rela-
tionship begins to falter, marriage may be sought to
save the relationship. It’s a temporary “fi x,” because it
does not solve the underlying confl icts.

Consider this . . . Consider this . . .

Will Your Marriage Last Forever?

There is no foolproof recipe for lasting, happy marriages. Recent studies have provided us with
some valuable clues as to what makes a happy and successful marriage (Strong et al. 2007).

Happily married couples spend a lot of focused time together doing what they both enjoy, much
as they did in their courtship days before they married.

They share many of the same values, such as the importance of physical intimacy, childrearing
practices, religious beliefs, and morals.

These couples exhibited a high degree of fl exibility—they have the ability to accept change in
their partners as well as changes in the nature of the married relationship.

Other factors that seem to be important predictors of marital success include:

Age at time of marriage—couples who marry young have a higher divorce rate.
Length of courtship—longer periods of courtship are associated with greater probability of

marital success.
Family background—people whose parents were unhappily married are more likely than others

to have an unsatisfactory marriage (Amato and DeBoer 2001).
Personality—if one or both partners has a serious psychological or emotional disorder,

problems will occur.

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What can this couple do to make their marriage last?

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268 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

In Are You the One for Me? , Barbara Deangelis (2004) reminds readers of
some potentially bad love and marriage choices:

You care more about your partner than he or she does about you.
Your partner cares more about you than you care about him or her.
You are in love with your partner’s potential.
You are on a rescue mission.
You look up to your partner as a role model.
You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons.

You have partial compatibility—a lot in common in one area—but you
ignore the rest of the relationship.

You choose a partner to be rebellious.
You choose a partner as a reaction to your previous partner.
Your partner is unavailable (married or living with someone).

Marriage is a risky proposition. In deciding to get married, people make
a long range projection about the future of their relationship. Obviously, it is
diffi cult to predict thirty, forty, or even fi ft y years of commitment on the basis
of one or two years of premarital interaction.

One way to determine what may help maintain relationships is to ask
couples who have been together for years what they think is important.
Robert and Jeanette Lauer (1990) studied three hundred and fi ft y couples
who had been married for at least fi ft een years. It is interesting to note that
both husbands and wives, out of fi ft een choices, listed the same seven quali-
ties as being important to a successful marriage:

1. My spouse is my best friend.
2. I like my spouse as a person.
3. Marriage is a long-term commitment.
4. We agree on aims and goals.
5. My spouse has grown more interesting.
6. I want the relationship to succeed.
7. Marriage is sacred.

Couples were asked questions about their marriage, ranging from inter-
ests, hobbies, sex, money and attitudes toward their spouses, and reasons
why their marriages had lasted.

Th e most frequently given reason for a lasting marriage is having a posi-
tive attitude toward one’s partner. Th ese individuals see their spouse as their
best friend and they like him or her as a person. Th ey are aware that their
partner has faults, but their likable qualities more than off set their shortcom-
ings. Many people stated that the present generation takes the marriage vows
too lightly and are not willing to work at solving their problems. Marriage is
a commitment and takes a lot of work. Both partners have to work at solv-
ing their problems. Another key ingredient to a lasting marriage is a mutual
agreement about aims and goals of life, such as the desire to make the mar-
riage last. A satisfying sex life is important, but this is not what makes the
marriage last. In his New York Times Best-Seller, Th e Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work , John Gottman (2004) believes that the determining
factor in whether wives feel satisfi ed with the sex, romance, and passion in
their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couples friendship. For
men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s
friendship.

M arry your best friend as well as your lover. Don’t keep
secrets or harbor grudges.

JUDITH LIPTON

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 269

Marital Adjustment

During courtship, many of us wear “rose-colored glasses.” We tend to ignore
or not notice our partners’ faults. We tend to focus mostly on pleasurable
activities and our partner’s positive characteristics. But when people marry,
they must face reality and the problems that they will encounter within this
new relationship. Suddenly, marriage brings duties and obligations. One is
no longer responsible for only oneself but now shares responsibility for two
people and perhaps more if children arrive.

Furthermore, one’s identity is changed with marriage. No longer are you
simply you—you are now Sarah’s husband, or Walt’s wife, or Jon’s mother or
father. You become interdependent with others in your family and not inde-
pendent. For some people this loss of independence may become a crisis, but
for others this new identity may give them a new lease on life.

Th e changing nature of male and female roles creates problems for all
types of couples as they settle down to live together. Even the most mundane
tasks may become a problem. Who pays the bills? Who takes out the trash?
Who cooks? Who will stay home and take care of the family? Th ere is no
such thing as a problem-free marriage. Successful marriages depend on the
couples’ ability to handle their problems.

ROLE EXPECTATIONS. What is the woman’s role in married life? Is it dif-
ferent from a man’s role? Should a man’s and a woman’s role be diff erent?
When a couple marry, they assume new roles, that of husband and wife. We
all have developed our own expectations of how a wife or husband should
behave. Th ese expectations may vary greatly from one person to another.
What happens if your expectations are diff erent from your partners? Serious
problems may occur. Th e more the two partners agree about marital roles,
the more likely the marriage will last over a longer
period of time.

Where did you learn what the role of a husband or a
wife should be? Most of us learned this from watching
our parents through the process called modeling. But
times are changing and other social forces are having
an eff ect on our roles within a relationship. Careers
are changing the timing of marriage and caretaking
roles of the family. Th e women’s movement has given
women more options and has changed their percep-
tion of what their role is in a relationship. Marriage
seems to be in a state of transition, and, consequently,
most of us are in a state of confusion as to what role
we should be playing.

It is imperative that couples discuss role expecta-
tions in depth before marriage. If they discover that
their views are very diff erent, they need to take seriously the potential for
problems. Many people ignore gender-role disagreements, thinking they can
“straighten out” their partners later on. But as we have all discovered, it is
diffi cult to change our own behavior and more diffi cult to change someone
else’s behavior—especially their attitude.

While we are dating, and during the honeymoon period , which can be
any time from the wedding day to a year or so from that day, many people do
not see the people they love as they really are, but rather as they wish (expect)

A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the
possibility that the other may be
right, though neither believes it.

DON FRASHER

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What are your expectations of what married life will be?

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270 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

them to be. We see what we expect to see, we hear what we want to hear—this
is a psychological phenomenon of perception that can interfere with the way we
perceive the world. We tend to perceive only the positive characteristics of our
partners and ignore the negative characteristics. In essence, a person is in love
with their own dreams and ideals and not with the person they marry. Living
together day in and day out makes it only a matter of time until each partner
is forced to compare ideals with reality.

Th e Honeymoon Is Over. One morning, aft er Walt and Sarah have
been married for about a year, Sarah awakens and “realizes” that Walt
is not the same man she married. She accuses him of changing for the
worse. He is not as considerate and as kind to her as he was before. He
does not pay as much attention to her. He doesn’t enjoy going out all the
time like they used to. He just wants to stay home. Walt insists, of course,
that he has not changed; he is the same person that she married and he
enjoys quiet evenings at home alone with her.

Th is interaction may be signaling that the “honeymoon” is over for Walt
and Sarah. Th is stage is very important in most marriages. It usually indicates
that the unrealistic, overly high expectations about marriage and one’s mate
created by “love” are being reexamined. No one can live up to perfection. In
a successful relationship, it means that subjective perceptions are becoming
more realistic and more objective. It also means that we are at last coming
to know our mate as a real human being rather than as a projection of our
expectations. Realizing the humanness of our partner allows us to relax, to
be human as well and not feel that we have to live up to our partner’s expec-
tations. If my partner can make mistakes and be less than perfect, so can I,
thank goodness.

Aft er the honeymoon period, intensity diminishes and satisfaction with
marriage generally dips, especially for wives. Th e most commonly cited rea-
son for this change is the arrival of children. For most couples, the time
and eff ort spent on parenting usually takes time away from the husband-
wife relationship. Within the past two decades, there does appear to be an
increase in married couples making the choice not to have children or at
least delay having children (U.S. Census Bureau 2008). Some of the reasons
oft en cited are the great costs involved in raising children, the possible con-
fl icts involved with preparation for college and/or career improvements/
advancements, loss of autonomy, and the great responsibility of raising chil-
dren (Bulcroft and Teachman 2004).

What are some of the other issues and problems that a couple may
encounter as they begin to face the reality of being married and functioning
as a “twosome” rather than an individual? Yes, so many decisions to make!

MARRIAGE, CAREER AND PARENTHOOD. Should the woman work aft er she
gets married? Should she work aft er she has children? Should the husband
stay at home with the children while the wife pursues a career? While dual-
career couples are the norm today, fi nances oft en make the decision regarding
the above questions. However, resentments and mixed feelings can occur for
many couples.

If a woman has to work to help provide for a family, she may feel guilty
because she is not at home taking care of the kids. What if she doesn’t have
to work but prefers to work rather than staying home with the kids? Should
she feel guilty for this when this is clearly what makes her happy? What if the

W hile all couples eventually lose a bit of that
“Honeymoon” euphoria, those
who remain married don’t
consider this a crushing blow, but
rather a natural transition from
“romantic relationship” to
“working partnership.”

DR. TED HUSTON

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 271

woman has the more lucrative career and the decision
is made for the man to stay home with the kids? Will
he resent his breadwinning wife? Will he maintain his
feelings of masculinity when he is not the person who
provides money for the family?

Whatever arrangements couples make, Dr. Deborah
Siegel (2007) indicates that psychologist Barry McCarthy
urges couples to talk about their arrangements in terms
of two-year timeframes, agreeing to make a point to
check in every six months to see how well the arrange-
ments are working for each individual. Are there other
issues to consider?

One common problem of two-paycheck fami-
lies is the division of housework and childcare. It is
interesting to note that unmarried couples who live
together divide the housework more evenly than married couples, while
men who live with their partners before marrying them do more house-
work then men who move directly into marriage (Coontz 2006). Men’s
contribution to housework and childcare has increased in recent decades,
but studies indicate that wives are still doing the bulk of the household
chores in America, even when they work outside the home (Coltrane 2001;
Coontz 2006.). Wives still do the vast majority of “women’s work,” such as
cooking, cleaning, and laundry, while men continue to do mostly tradi-
tional “male chores,” such as auto maintenance and outdoor tasks. As you
might expect, men who are better educated or younger tend to be more
helpful around the house. Surprisingly, however, the more children a couple
has, the less likely they are to share equally in the household labor, even if
both are working an equal number of hours outside the home. Th us, many
employed mothers feel overworked and under appreciated (Warner 2005).

Perhaps it is not surprising that a Pew Research Center survey in 2007
showed 60 percent, up from 48 percent 10 years ago, of America’s working
mothers say their ideal situation would include a part-time job, rather than
working full time or staying at home.

What other issues and concerns do married couples encounter as they
strive to succeed in their marriage?

Marital Confl ict

What do most couples argue about? Is it sex, money, children, power, roles
and responsibilities, jealousy, or extra-marital aff airs? Money ranks as the
single most common cause of confl ict in marriage. Money not only infl u-
ences a couples’ lifestyle but also their feelings of security, self-esteem, confi –
dence, and acceptance by others. Without money, families live in a constant
state of stress, fearing the loss of jobs, illness, or household emergencies.
Husbands tend to view themselves as poor providers, and their self-esteem
may crumble as a result.

Neither financial stability nor wealth can ensure marital satisfac-
tion. Even when financial resources are plentiful, money can be a source
of marital strain. Quarrels about how to spend money are common and
potentially damaging at all income levels. Money is freedom, money is
power, and sometimes men and women even lie about it. In fact, Louise

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Home or career or both? The question is often a struggle for women.

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272 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

Lague (2001) reports in a poll of 1,000 married people, ages 18 and over,
half of them men and half women, that the most “hushed-up” issue was
how much the respondents paid for something they bought. Couples that
tend to be more satisfied with their marriage engage in more joint deci-
sions regarding their finances in comparison to couples that eventually
divorce.

Examine the last sentence, and decide what underlies most problems in
relationships—be it a marriage, a business relationship, or wherever two or
more people interact.

CAN A BAD RELATIONSHIP BE GOOD? Psychologist John Gottman (2004;
2007) has been studying love and marriage for over 30 years, with a con-
centrated 10-year study that has provided valuable research data behind his
theories. He believes that some negative emotions used in arguments are
more toxic than others: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Criticism involves constantly expressing negative evaluations of one’s part-
ner. Contempt involves communication insulting feelings that one’s spouse
is inferior. Defensiveness involves responding to criticism and contempt with
obstructive communication escalates marital confl ict. Stonewalling involves
withdrawing from a discussion, most frequently seen among men. Gottman
further indicates that he has learned at least two things from the couples he
has studied: One is the importance in building and maintaining a friend-
ship in your marriage so that you give your partner the benefi t of the doubt
when times are tough. Th is takes constant work. Second is that you have a
choice every time you say something to your partner. He feels you can say
something that will either nurture the relationship or tear it down. In other
words, you may win a particular fi ght with your spouse, but you could lose
the marriage in the long run.

Gottman contends that many aspects of marriage, oft en considered
critical to long-term success, such as how intensely people fi ght; whether
they face confl ict or avoid it; how well they solve problems; how compatible
they are socially, fi nancially, even sexually are less important than people
and professionals once thought. Gottman believes that none of these things
matter to a marriage’s longevity as much as maintaining that crucial ratio of
fi ve-to-one.

WHAT IS THIS FIVETOONE RATIO? Th is is the diff erence between divorce and
a positive long-term relationship according to Gottman—it is mind-boggling
in its very simplicity. Satisfi ed couples maintain a fi ve-to-one ratio of positive
interactions to negative interactions in their relationship. It is hard to believe
that the longevity of your relationship depends primarily on you being fi ve
times as nice to your partner as you are nasty to them. Th is may be surprising
to you (Gottman 1995; 2004).

Wildly explosive relationships that vacillate between heated arguments
and passionate reconciliations can be as happy—and long lasting—as
those that seem more emotionally stable. Th ey may even be more exciting
and intimate.

Couples who start out complaining about each other have some of the
most stable marriages over time, while those who do not fi ght early on are
more likely to face the road to divorce.

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 273

Fighting, whether rare or frequent, is sometimes the healthiest thing
a couple can do for the relationship. In fact, blunt anger, appropriately
expressed, “seems to immunize marriages against deterioration.”

Emotionally inexpressive marriages, which may seem like repressed vol-
canoes destined to explode, are actually very successful—so long as the
couple maintains the fi ve-to-one ratio in what they do express to each
other. In fact, too much emotional catharsis among such couples can
“scare the hell out of them,” says Gottman.

How warmly you remember the story of your relationship foretells your
chances of staying together. In one study that involved couples telling about
how their relationship evolved, psychologists were able to predict—with
an astonishing 94 percent accuracy—which couples would be divorced
within three years.

Men who do housework are likely to have happier marriages, greater
physical health, even better sex lives than men who do not. (Hearing this,
men may be running to fi nd the vacuum cleaner.)

In happy marriages, there are no discernible gender diff erences in terms
of the quantity and quality of emotional expression. In fact, men in happy
marriages are more likely to reveal intimate personal information about
themselves than women.

What do you think about the fi ve-to-one ratio? Should we be teaching
couples how to apply this to their relationship?

Communication Problems

Successful communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. Such commu-
nication must be open, realistic, tactful, caring, and valued. Maintaining this
kind of communication is not always easy unless all the people involved are
committed to the belief that good communication is important to life and
marital satisfaction. Th is sounds simple, yet couples in marital trouble almost
always list failure to communicate as one of their major problems. Basically,
communication failures occur because one or perhaps both partners choose
not to communicate or because of the lack of communication skills. You may
want to refer back to the communication chapter and apply the material dis-
cussed in that chapter to improve upon your communication skills.

Many couples get so involved in the activities of everyday life—their
career, their family activities and their outside interests—that they forget
about the needs and interests of their spouse. Even though they spend time
with their spouse, they really do not communicate. If this seems to be true of
your relationship, you may want to change this by scheduling a time to com-
municate. Tell your mate that you would like to take them out to dinner every
Th ursday night, even if it is to a fast food restaurant, so you have a time to
sit down and talk. Th is is your time, do not take the kids or anyone else. You
may want to write down things you want to talk about during the week so
you won’t forget about them. Many times a person will get to the scheduled
session and say, “Th ere’s something I want to talk about, but I forgot what
it was.” You may want to schedule a weekend away from the family every
few months so you can talk and plan for the future. See Consider this, Mak-
ing Up versus Breaking Up, further in the chapter to see the importance of
communication in a relationship.

W hat counts in making a happy marriage is not so
much how compatible you are, but
how you deal with incompatibility.

GEORGE LEVINGER

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274 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

How To
Have a Happy Relationship

Learn to Calm Down—Do not let the emotions take control of you. Do not over-react; wait,
relax, take a walk, remove yourself from the stress event for a period of time until you
have time to calm down and respond logically. Be sure you are ready to not bring up past
faults, mistakes, and problems. Once you have calmed down, you can work on the other
basic “keys” to improving their relationship.

Validate Your Partner—Validation involves “putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and
imagining his or her emotional state.” Let your partner know that you understand
how he or she feels and why, even if you do not agree. You can also show validation by
acknowledging your partner’s point of view, accepting appropriate responsibility, and
apologizing when you are clearly wrong. If this still seems too much of a stretch, at least
let your partner know that you are trying to understand, even if you’re fi nding it hard.

Learn to Speak and Listen Non-Defensively—This is tough, Gottman admits, but defensiveness
is a very dangerous response, and it needs to be interrupted. One of the most powerful
things you can do—in addition to working toward the ideal of listening with empathy
and speaking without blame—is to “begin to apply praise and admiration into your
relationship.” A little positive reinforcement (appreciation) goes a long way toward
changing the chemistry between couples.

Practice, Practice, Practice—Gottman calls this “overlearning,” doing something so many
times that it becomes second nature. The goal is to be able to calm yourself down,
communicate non-defensively, and validate your partner automatically—even in the heat
of an argument.

Do you agree?

Family Violence

Physical violence is most apt to erupt in families lacking communication
skills. Such families oft en cannot talk to one another, do not listen to one
another, and simply lack enough communication skills to make themselves
understood. Children are oft en physically violent because they have not
learned how to communicate. In a way, adults who cannot communicate are
like children and too oft en express themselves physically rather than verbally
(Strong et al. 2007).

Family violence is diffi cult to measure and document because most of
it occurs in the privacy of the home, away from public view, and also goes
unreported. Family violence includes child abuse, violence between spouses,
sibling abuse, sexual abuse, and parental abuse by children, especially elderly
parents. (Duff y and Atwater 2008).

Th e causes of family violence are many, including problems in the society
(such as cultural attitudes toward women and children), in parents (such as
drug addiction, alcoholism, and fi nancial problems), and in the child (such
as being a diffi cult child or being sickly). Th e most eff ective strategies should
emphasize prevention and treatment rather than blame. In addition, any
measures that help reduce stress and increase individuals’ social support will

John Gottman 1995; 2007.

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 275

make violence and abuse less likely. Remember, good communication skills
underlie all good relationships.

It is actually easier than you think to avoid a violent or abusive rela-
tionship. Our problem is that we allow our emotions to take control of our
behavior and not our common sense and intellect. Recent research has
shown that in most relationships where violence has occurred, some form
of abuse began during the dating period. If a person is abusive while the
couple is dating, what are the chances of the person not being abusive when
they are married? Not very likely! A person does not change overnight or as
soon as they sign a marriage license. To the contrary, some people feel that
the marriage license is a sign of ownership and they can now do whatever
they want to their partner. If you are in an abusive relationship before mar-
riage you may want to “think twice” before making a serious commitment
to that person.

Codependence

But, wait a minute, you know you can help that person. Th ey need your
help and you love them and you feel you can help them change. If you can
get them to marry you it will be easier to help them change. Th is sounds

Consider this . . . Consider this . . .

What Is Codependency?

My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attitude focuses on solving your problems or

relieving your pain.
My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you “to do it my way.”
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interest and

hobbies.
Your clothing and personal appearance is dictated by my desires, because I feel you are a

refl ection of me.
I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want. I ask

you what you want. If I am not aware, I assume.
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
My fear of rejection determines what I say and do.
My fear of your anger determines what I say and do.
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

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276 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

like the beginning of a codependent relationship —where one person has
allowed another person’s behavior (abuse, chemical addiction, etc.) to aff ect
him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior
(Beattie 2001). It is natural to want to protect and help the people we care
about. It is also natural to be aff ected by and react to the problems of people
around us. As the problems become more serious and remain unresolved,
we become more aff ected and react more intensely to it. Does this sound
like anyone you know?

Have you become so absorbed in other people’s problems that you do not
have time to identify or solve your own?

Do you care so deeply about other people that you have forgotten how to
care for yourself?

Do you need to control events and people around you because you feel
everything around and inside you is out of control?

Do you feel responsible for so much because the people around you feel
responsible for so little?

ARE YOU CODEPENDENT? If you or any of your friends answer yes to the above
questions, you may be codependent. Whatever problem the other person has,
codependency involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving
toward ourselves and others that can cause us pain. Codependent behaviors
or habits are self-destructive, not only to themselves, but also to all their rela-
tionships. Most codependents have been so busy responding to other people’s
problems that they have not had time to identify, much less take care, of their
own problems.

Can a codependent change? Yes, defi nitely. But as we have already learned,
change is not easy—it takes a lot of work and eff ort on everyone’s part. Th e
fi rst step toward change is awareness of the problem, and the second step is
acceptance. In order to become aware of what codependence is, we need to
know what the characteristics of a codependent are.

Codependency is many things. It is a dependency on people—on their
moods, behavior, sickness or well-being, and their love. It is a paradoxical
dependency. Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are depen-
dent. Th ey look strong but feel helpless. Th ey appear controlling but in reality
are controlled themselves, sometimes by a disorder or illness such as alco-
holism. If you fi nd yourself in a codependent relationship, you may want to
read some of the new literature and self-help books available at your local
bookstores or seek professional help through the counseling offi ce or mental
health center near you.

During the courtship period and continuing throughout married life,
there is an insecure feeling in many individuals when they fear the loss of
aff ection of their partner, especially when they feel threatened by an outside
source. Th at outside source may be a new baby, a new friend, a new career, etc.
Let us take another look at Walt and Sarah.

Walt has been working for a law fi rm for two years now and seems
to be doing well. But the job is not as exciting as it originally was for the
fi rst two years. Walt is not considering changing jobs since he still knows
that he could be a full partner within fi ve years and that has been his goal
for a long time.

On the other hand, Sarah just changed jobs and is extremely excited
about the new challenges and the new friends she is getting to know.

L ove creates an “us” without
destroying a “me.”

BITS & PIECES

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 277

Sarah is beginning to spend more and more time at work and more time
socially with her new friends. Occasionally, she has been working late
with a male colleague to complete a major project.

Walt comes home aft er work and Sarah’s still working. He is used
to having her companionship in the evenings. Walt’s beginning to ques-
tion Sarah about her late evenings and the fact she seems to be so happy
recently and excited about life. He seems to be bored with his job and
not too happy with the world around him. Walt’s becoming suspicious of
Sarah and her friends. What’s happening in this relationship?

What’s the Green-Eyed Monster?

Is Walt jealous? Jealousy is an emotion familiar to most of us, if not from
direct experience, at least through the experience of friends, from nov-
els, television, and movies. Romantic jealousy carries the additional stress
associated with the threat of losing an important relationship and oft en
involves feelings of having been betrayed and perhaps deceived. Th us, this
feeling of romantic jealousy provokes a host of negative feelings focused on
the lover, the self, and the perceived rival. And it can be very destructive in
relationships (Anderson 2003).

Gender diff erences characterize jealousy. Men tend to show strong
feelings of sexual jealousy and are especially upset about sexual infi delity.
Th is can motivate them to be very concerned about their partner’s faithful-
ness (Myers 2008). However, women are oft en more upset by their partner’s
emotional infi delity (Buss 2007).

IS IT JEALOUSY OR ENVY? Jealousy is defi ned as the thoughts and feelings that
arise when an actual or desired relationship is threatened. Envy is defi ned as
the thoughts and feelings that arise when our personal qualities, possessions,
or achievements do not measure up to those of someone relevant to us. In
general, society is more accepting of jealousy than envy, understanding the
desire to protect lovers from rivals but not the begrudging of a friend’s good
fortune.

Researchers have suggested that jealousy and envy are rooted in a
weak sense of self, low self-esteem or insecurities about self-worth (Marano
2006). People with poor self-concepts are more likely to fear that the exist-
ing relationship is vulnerable to threat. Jealousy is also more likely to occur
when people believe they are putting more into a relationship than their
partner is; they have serious doubts about their partner’s commitment.
Men seem to respond diff erently to jealousy than women. Males seem
less likely to admit they feel jealous but are more likely to express anger
with themselves or toward the rival; females are more likely to react with
depression and with attempts to make themselves more attractive to the
partner (Buss 2003).

Overcoming jealousy is not easy. Anything we can do toward becoming
confi dent, secure individuals will help us cope with our own jealousy. We can
try to learn what is making us jealous. What exactly are we feeling and why
are we feeling that way? We can try to keep our jealous feelings in perspec-
tive. We can also negotiate with our partner to change certain behaviors that
seem to trigger our jealousy. Negotiations assume that we too are working to
reduce our own unwarranted jealousy. Choosing partners who are reassur-
ing and loving will also help reduce our irrational jealousies. Unfortunately,

J ealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love
may be read. It merely records the
degree of insecurity. It is a
negative, miserable state of
feeling, having its origin in a sense
of insecurity and inferiority.

MARGARET MEAD

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278 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

it is not as easy as it sounds to follow this advice because jealousy is so oft en
irrational, emotional, and unreasonable. Jealousy remains one of the puzzling
components of love relationships (Santrock 2006).

During the last year of Walt’s and Sarah’s marriage, we fi nd that Walt
has been spending a lot of his spare time working on their computer, play-
ing games, and learning new programs. Sarah does not like to spend her
time playing with some “dumb” computer when she could be exercising
or interacting with people. When they fi rst got married, Walt and Sarah
seemed to have a lot in common: tennis, history, same friends and same
goals, but now they seem to be growing apart. Sarah has her new job and
new friends and Walt does not seem to be interested in either. All he seems
to be interested in is his computer and watching sports on television.

Growing Apart

Is there a point at which you have to admit that it is just not going to work,
cut your losses, and walk away? In Relationship Rescue, Dr. Phil McGraw
(2001) off ers two major thoughts for consideration. First, do not ever make
life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. When feelings are
running high and language and rhetoric even higher, this is not a time to
make decisions that will aff ect your life and that of your partner and chil-
dren, if any are involved. Never be in a hurry when making decisions, the
consequences of which will be around for a long time. Second, if you are going
to quit, you earn the right to quit. You don’t just get mad; you don’t just get
your feelings hurt and decide to bail out. You earn the right to quit. Until you
can look yourself in the eye in the mirror, until you can look your children in
the eye and say I did everything I could to save this relationship and it could
not be done, then you have not earned the right to quit.

When considering what it takes to make relationships work, it is useful
to look at those who have tried and succeeded as well as those who have tried
and failed. Research shows that a few crucial compatibilities make the diff er-
ence between making up and breaking up. See Consider this—Making Up
versus Breaking Up.

WHO DIVORCES? While it is true that there has been a decline in divorce rates
since the 1970s, the prevailing estimate is somewhere between 40 percent and
50 percent of marriages entered into in a year are likely to become divorces
(Strong et al. 2007). Th e vast majority of divorces occur within the fi rst decade,
with years seven to ten being somewhat higher. First marriages that end in
divorce last a median of about eight years (U.S. Census Bureau 2008).

Divorce rates are higher among blacks than whites or Hispanics, among
lower-income couples, among couples who cohabitated, among couples who
do not have children, among people who marry at a relatively young age, and
among those whose parents divorced (Faust and McKibben 1999; Rodrigues
et al. 2006). In addition, divorce rates in the United States are higher than
rates elsewhere in the industrialized world (Strong 2007).

WHAT KIND OF SPECIFIC MARITAL PROBLEMS ARE PREDICTIVE OF DIVORCE?
Amato and Previti (2003) found that communication problems, sexual infi –
delity, jealousy, foolish spending, and drug problems were the most consistent
predictors of divorce.

T here comes a time in some
relationships when no matter

how sincere the attempt to
reconcile the differences or how
strong the wish to recreate a part
of the past once shared, the
struggle becomes so painful that
nothing else is felt and the world
and all its beauty only add to the
discomfort by providing cruel
contrast.

DAVID VISCOTT

A good marriage is not so much fi nding the right
person as being the right person.

SCOTT ROWLEY

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 279

Your marriage will have a greater chance of lasting if:

You marry aft er the age of 22;
You grow-up in a stable, two parent home;
You dated for a long time prior to marriage;
You are well and similarly educated;
You have a stable income from a job you enjoy;
You do not cohabit or become pregnant before marriage;
You are religiously committed;
You are of similar age, faith, and education.

Consider this . . .Consider this . . .

Making Up versus Breaking Up

Pepper Schwartz (2002), professor of sociology at the University of Washington, analyzed data
from the Enrich Couple Inventory involving questions administered to 21,501 couples throughout
the country. The researchers compared the answers of the happiest couples to those of the most
unhappy and found that the differences between their answers to a few key questions tell a lot
about what makes relationships work:

My partner is a very good listener
Unhappy couples 18% Happy couples 83%

My partner does not understand how I feel
Unhappy couples 79% Happy couples 13%

We have a good balance of leisure time spent together and separately
Unhappy couples 17% Happy couples 71%

We fi nd it easy to think of things to do together
Unhappy couples 28% Happy couples 86%

I am very satisfi ed with how we talk to each other
Unhappy couples 15% Happy couples 90%

We are creative in how we handle our differences
Unhappy couples 15% Happy couples 78%

Making fi nancial decisions is not diffi cult
Unhappy couples 32% Happy couples 80%

Our sexual relationship is satisfying and fulfi lling
Unhappy couples 29% Happy couples 85%

We are both equally willing to make adjustments in the relationship
Unhappy couples 46% Happy couples 87%

I can share feelings and ideas with my partner during disagreements
Unhappy couples 22% Happy couples 85%

My partner understands my opinions and ideas
Unhappy couples 19% Happy couples 87%

What do you think about these fi ndings?

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280 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

None of these predictors, by themselves, is essential to a stable marriage,
but the more you have, the greater the chance the marriage will last.

Today, marriage partners have a much more fl exible view of marriage
roles and responsibilities and are likely to expect each other to be a friend,
lover, and confi dant, as well as wage-earner and care-giver.

Walt and Sarah have been married for eight years now. Walt believes
in the “traditional” type of marriage, where there are male and female
roles. Sarah believes in the “equalitarian” type marriage, where the
responsibilities are shared equally. As you can see, there is beginning to
be a lot of confl ict within this relationship. Walt and Sarah no longer
seem to have much in common. Sarah has tried to talk to Walt about
their problems, but Walt does not want to talk about it. He thinks every-
thing is “OK.” She’s just a complainer.

Sarah decides that it is not worth trying anymore and fi les for
divorce. Walt gets very upset and feels depressed because he feels that
they can save the marriage. He says he will do anything to keep the
relationship together, but Sarah says it is too late. Can this marriage
be saved?

THE IMPACT OF DIVORCE. Th e dissolution of a marriage tends to be a very
emotional and traumatic event for most people. Divorced men suff er primar-
ily from loss of emotional support and disrupted social ties to friends and rela-
tives and sometimes even children (Belsky 2007). In comparison, divorced
women suff er most from reduced income.

Men and women diff er in how they cope with a failed relationship: women
tend to confi de in their friends, whereas men tend to start a new relationship
as quickly as possible. Some individuals appear to adapt in the early stages of
divorce, but show eff ects later (Hetherington et al. 1998). It takes most people
two to three years to recover fully from the distress of a divorce, and some
have more diffi culty than others (Lucas 2005).

Table 6.1 indicates the steps many people experience as they go through
the divorce process.

For some, divorce can be enhancing. In a healthy divorce, ex-spouses
must accomplish three tasks: let go, develop new social ties, and when chil-
dren are involved, redefi ne parental roles (Everett and Everett 1998).

Th e fi rst emotional impact of divorce is oft en that the former spouses
become even more angry and more bitter with each other than they were in

R elationships seldom die
because they suddenly have

no life left in them; they wither
slowly, either because people do
not understand how much or what
kind of upkeep, time, work, love,
and caring they require or
because people are too lazy or
afraid to try. A relationship is a
living thing. It needs and benefi ts
from the same attention to detail
that an artist lavishes on his art.

DAVID VISCOTT

Recipe for Marriage
Start with two stable people, 1 lb. of love, and a gallon of commitment. Then

add 1 cup of each: trust, communication, respect, and patience. Mix well and
remove any traces of temper, selfi shness, and criticism.

Now add 3 tbs. pure extract of sincere apology, 1 cup of cooperation, 1 cup of
encouragement, and 1 cup of consideration.

Place in a home. Make sure to allow room for children and pets.

Season lightly with a dash of in-laws. Sweeten with memories, shared activities,
laughter, and tokens of affection.

Serve with faith and devotion and enjoy.

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 281

the marriage. Th is increased hostility is oft en followed by and interspersed
with periods of depression, disequilibrium, altered patterns of eating and
sleeping, drug and alcohol use, along with work and residence change (Kelly
2004). It is most likely to be the wife who fi rst fi nds fault with the marriage
and fi les for divorce. In fact, many men are surprised and shocked by the
break up, and in the short term, divorce is more devastating to the man than
the woman. Over the long term, however, women are more aff ected, primar-
ily because they are likely to have less money and fewer marriage prospects
than divorced men. If they are mothers with custody, the impact of divorce is
particularly strong. (Duff y and Atwater 2008).

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? Divorce may have
more of an impact on the children than anyone else.
Th e children have no control in this relationship; they
are helpless in this situation. Whatever the kids say or
do will not benefi t the situation. Generally, no one will
listen anyway. Evidence suggests that in the long run
it is less damaging to the children if unhappy parents
divorce than if the children grow up intact but in a
dissension-ridden home (Booth and Amato 2001).

In For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered,
E. Mavis Hetherington (2001), a psychology professor
emeritus at the University of Virginia, tracked nearly
1,400 families and more than 2,500 children, some
for three decades. Hetherington found that 75 to 80
percent of children of divorce are functioning well, with little long-term
damage to their adult lives. She further declared that 25 percent of children
from divorced families have social, emotional or psychological problems,
as opposed to 10 percent of kids from intact families. Th e children’s recov-
ery and subsequent adjustment seem to depend primarily on the quality of
their relationship with the custodial parent and how well the custodial par-
ent is adjusting to the divorce (Amato 2001 and De Buer 2001). For some
children, the eff ects of divorce tend to show up more as the children reach
maturity and struggle to form their own adult relationships.

Table 6.1 Steps in Divorce Grief
Relief—Moment of no more fussing.

Shock and surprise—I can’t believe this is happening to me.

Emotional release—How much should I let people see my feelings and how long
will I keep crying?

Physical distress and anxiety—Will I lose my friends?

Panic—There is something wrong with me; I cannot eat or I eat all the time.

Guilt—Two basic emotions in divorce:
a. guilt—What did I do wrong?
b. rejection—I am not capable of being loved.

Hostility and projection—I know we are both angry but we are going to end this
divorce in a friendly manner.

Lassitude—Suffering in silence, hard to get anything done.

Healing—Gradual overcoming of grief and getting on with reality.

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How does divorce affect the children?

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282 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

REMARRIAGE. Between 70 and 80 percent of divorced people remarry, on
the average, within three to four years of being divorced (men tend to marry
sooner than woman aft er a divorce). Remarriage is more likely to occur if
the divorced person is relatively young, since there seems to be more poten-
tial partners still available. Th ere is no guarantee that marriage will be better
the second time around; the divorce rate for remarriages is higher than that
for fi rst marriages. However, the average duration for second marriages is
about the same as for fi rst, about eight to nine years (Kreider 2005). It may be
that some lonely, divorced people marry—too quickly—as they say—“on the
rebound.” Stepchildren can also be a disruptive factor.

BLENDED FAMILIES. An increasing number of remarriages now involve
children. Remarriages involving children pose special demands on both the
adults as well as the children. In addition to learning how to live with one new
person, which can be diffi cult enough for most people, one or both partners
must also become accustomed to a ready-made family. When the children
are young, the stepparent has more opportunity to develop rapport and trust
with the children. But when there are adolescents involved, it is more diffi –
cult for everyone involved. Both parents must make allowances for their step-
children’s initial suspiciousness, jealousy, and resistance. When both parents
develop a good working relationship, talking things out and cooperating on
discipline and household chores, the blended family may do at least as well as
intact families.

As we have previously noted, the traditional model of marriage has been
undermined by many diff erent changes within our culture. More and more
people are selecting alternatives to marriage. Earlier in the chapter we dis-
cussed two alternatives, single life and cohabitation. Another alternative
should be discussed.

GAY/LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS. Statistics indicate that there may be as many
as twenty-fi ve million gay/lesbian people in the United States. Roughly
2 percent of the women and 4–5 percent of the men are exclusively homo-
sexual (Laumann et al. 2000).

Th e dynamics of a gay/lesbian relationship do not seem to be any diff er-
ent than those in a heterosexual relationship. Th ey are similar in terms of the
forces that bring couples together, the factors that predict satisfaction with
the relationship, and the problems couples face (Weiten and Lloyd 2009).

Th e major problem that most gays/lesbians encounter is the negative
attitude about homosexuality in our society—especially now with people’s
attitude about AIDS. Most homosexual men and nearly all homosexual
women prefer stable, long-term relationships. Promiscuity among gay men
is clearly on the decline. Lesbian relationships are generally sexually exclu-
sive. Gay/lesbian relationships are characterized by great diversity. It is not
true that gays/lesbians always assume traditional masculine and feminine
roles. Both gays/lesbians and heterosexual cohabitants may face opposition
to their relationship from their families, and from society in general, and
neither universally enjoys the legal and social sanctions of marriage.

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 283

Chapter Review

We are motivated not only to seek the company of others, but to form close and lasting relationships. Th e
relationships you have are your greatest assets.

■ Relationships evolve, they do not just happen. Th ey take time and eff ort.
■ Th e three steps involved in a relationship are:

Becoming aware of the other person—fi rst impression;1.
Making contact or getting acquainted;2.
Disclosure.3.

■ Friends play a signifi cant role in our lives. Th ey provide us with emotional support and social ties. With-
out friends we experience loneliness.

■ We are drawn to people who are similar to us. Research studies have found that similar beliefs and
attitudes are the most important aspects of a relationship in order to keep a relationship together over
a long period of time.

■ In order to fi nd friends, you must go to those places (proximity) where you will fi nd other people who
have similar interests and needs.

■ Th e repulsion hypothesis indicates that many of us are repulsed by people whom we do not know, and
we perceive them as dissimilar to us.

■ People with complementary needs tend to be drawn to each other—personality fi t.
■ Th e social exchange theory states that we measure our actions and relationships on a cost-benefi t basis.

People maximize their rewards and minimize their costs by employing their resources, either tangible
or intangible, to gain the most favorable outcome.

■ We tend to like people who like us—reciprocity.
■ During the last decade, online matchmaking sites have evolved as a huge industry.
■ Th e most important factors people want in marital selection in China, India, Indonesia, Iran, Taiwan,

and the Palestinian Arab culture is chastity. People from the Zulu culture in South Africa, Estonia, and
Columbia placed a high value on housekeeping skills.

■ Both men and women want a mate who possesses qualities of mutual attraction/love, dependable char-
acter, and emotional stability/maturity, respectively the highest.

■ Men prefer wives who are younger than they are. Women prefer husbands who are somewhat older—
but there is an increase in women seeking younger dates and mates.

■ Love is complex and confusing. Everyone thinks they know what love is.
■ Harry Stack Sullivan has given us an excellent defi nition of love—“When the satisfaction, security, and

development of another person is as important to you as your own satisfaction, security, and develop-
ment, love exists.”

■ Robert Sternberg has developed a theory of love that includes three components: passion—an intense
physiological desire for another person; intimacy—the feeling that one can share all one’s thoughts and
actions with another; commitment—the willingness to stay with a person through thick and thin, etc.

■ Cultural factors have a strong infl uence on the value of love. Romantic love is more likely to be consid-
ered an important basis for marriage in individualistic societies than in collectivistic ones.

■ According to Sternberg, there are at last seven types of love relationships: liking, romantic, companion-
ate, consummate, infatuation, empty, and fatuous.

■ Psychological reactance is the tendency to protect or restore one’s sense of freedom or social control,
oft en doing the opposite of what has been demanded. Th is is also known as the Romeo and Juliet
eff ect.

■ Although alternatives to marriage are more viable than ever, over ninety percent of us will marry at
least once. Individuals are waiting longer to get

married.

■ Cohabitation has become increasingly more common throughout the world. Couples who do decide to
cohabit are at a higher risk of divorce than couples who do not.

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284 Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships

■ Most research indicates that the most important reasons to make a marriage last are: be your spouses’
best friend, having similar beliefs, values and attitudes, exhibit a high degree of fl exibility, having a
positive attitude toward one’s partner, and a couple needs to learn to adjust and compromise.

■ Th e more two partners agree about marital roles, the more likely the marriage will last over a longer
period of time. It is imperative that couples discuss role expectations in depth before marriage.

■ Dr. Gary Chapman indicates there are fi ve love languages: words of affi rmation, quality time, receiving
gift s, acts of service, and physical touch.

■ Successful communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. Such communication must be open,
realistic, tactful, caring, and valued. Physical violence is most apt to erupt in families lacking commu-
nication skills.

■ John Gottman’s research indicates that most relationships will be successful as long as the couple main-
tain the fi ve-to-one ratio of positive responses to negative responses. Gottman also feels that some
negative emotions used in arguments are more toxic than others: criticism, contempt, defensiveness,
and stonewalling.

■ A codependent relationship is where one person has allowed another person’s behavior (abuse, chemi-
cal addiction, etc.) to aff ect him or her, and is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.

■ Jealousy is defi ned as the thoughts and feelings that arise when an actual or desired relationship is
threatened, and envy as the thoughts and feelings that arise when our personal qualities, possessions,
or achievements do not measure up to those of someone relevant to us.

■ Divorce is much more common than it was twenty years ago. It can have a devastating eff ect on the
individuals involved, including the children. Between 70 and 80 percent of all divorced people will
remarry.

■ Statistics indicate that roughly two percent of all women and four to fi ve percent of the men in the
United States are homosexual.

Test Review Questions: Learning Outcomes

1. Discuss what is involved in the three steps in the development of a relationship.
2. What are the qualities of a good friend?
3. Explain the importance of similarities, proximity, complementarity, social exchange theory, and

reciprocity in the development of friendships.
4. What are the mate preferences shared by men and women?
5. Discuss the eff ective strategies for meeting dates and mates.
6. Discuss the diff erence between love and infatuation.
7. Describe Sternberg’s theory of love.
8. Explain the seven types of love described in Sternberg’s model.
9. Explain the phenomenon known as psychological reactance (the Romeo and Juliet eff ect).

10. Describe the positive and negative aspects of cohabitation.
11. What makes a happy and successful marriage?
12. Discuss Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages.
13. What do most couples argue about? Why?
14. Explain the fi ve-to-one ratio. Why?
15. Explain the four negative emotions John Gottman feels are more toxic than others.
16. What is a codependent relationship?
17. Describe the diff erence between jealousy and envy.
18. Explain the impact of divorce on the individuals involved, including children.
19. Describe the steps in divorce grief.
20. Discuss how role expectancies infl uences a relationship.

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Chapter 6 Developing Close Relationships 285

Key Terms

Blended Families
Codependent
Cohabitation
Commitment
Communication
Companionate Love
Complementary Needs
Confi dant
Consummate Love
Divorce
Empty Love
Envy
Fatuous Love

Five-to-one ratio
Friend
Gay Relationships
Honeymoon Period
Infatuation
Intimacy
Jealousy
Liking
Living Together

Loneliness (LTL)
Love
Lust
Marriage

Parenthood
Passion
Psychological Reactance
Reciprocity
Remarriage
Repulsion Hypothesis
Role Expectation
Romantic Love
Romeo and Juliet Eff ect
Similarities
Singlehood
Social Exchange Th eory

Refl ections

1. Why do we need friends?
2. What is your defi nition of a good friend? Explain what a good friend is.
3. If you knew someone who was new to town, what would you recommend they do to fi nd new

friends?
4. Friendships satisfy needs. Study three relationships (friendships) that you currently have. What

needs are they satisfying for you? Explain.
5. How have you used the social exchange theory in your relationships?
6. What is your defi nition of love? How do you know when you are in love?
7. What are the pros and cons of cohabitation vs. marriage? Explain.
8. What are your experiences with jealousy? How should a person deal with a jealous lover?
9. Explain the role of the male and the role of the female in a married relationship. Are these roles dif-

ferent from how your parents viewed the role within their marriage? Explain.
10. What direct or indirect impact has divorce had on your life?
11. Explain codependence. Have you ever been in a codependent relationship? Discuss the relationship

and explain how you could change the situation.
12. Which of the “Five Love Languages” is most important to you?

Web Resources

www.gottman.com
Numerous articles related to Gottman’s extensive research on making marriage work.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
Insightful answers to questions about infi delity, marriage counseling, and divorce.

http://hughson.com/
Named one of the top 5 percent Web sites, this is an address for individuals contemplating or involved in a
divorce.

http://marriage.about.com/cs/communicationkeys/a/lovelanguage.htm
Discussion of fi ve love languages.

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Name Date

Roles and Expectations
Purpose: To discover the roles and expectations people have of themselves and other people in specifi c categories
such as a spouse, parent, student, breadwinner, male, and female.

Instructions:

I. Select one of the three alternatives:
1. Ask four to fi ve married students (preferably, not from the class) to be on a panel. Have the students ask

questions regarding roles and expectations in a marriage.
2. Divide into groups of approximately six individuals (three females and three males would be ideal).
3. Each student interviews six or more individuals, from different careers, from different socio-economic

income levels, and/or different ethnic groups.

II. Discuss the following:
The class may want to create their own questions or ask the questions listed below and then answer the

discussion questions.
1. What career have each of you chosen for yourself? What type of career is selected by the females; by the

males? Are the careers sex-role oriented?
2. What roles do you expect to play at home? Specify the tasks you are willing or not willing to do.
3. What role will you take as a parent (full-time parent, half-time, change diapers, and so on).
4. What role will you take as a breadwinner?

Discussion
1. Do you see evidence that today’s college students subscribe to traditional sex roles or that they are free of such

barriers to independent choice? Give examples.

2. What messages did you receive as you were growing up regarding specifi c expectations or behaviors appropri-
ate to your gender?

3. How do you feel that your life would be different, if at all, if you were a member of the opposite sex? (Imagine,
when you wake up tomorrow morning, you are the opposite sex.) What would you do? How would you act?
Would others relate to you differently? What would your expectations of yourself be? How would they change?

287

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Name Date

289

Name Date

Are You Compatible?
Purpose: To discover whether you and your prospective mate or date are compatible.

Instructions: Answer the following questions with the appropriate number.

1 = Strongly agree
2 = Agree
3 = Neither agree or disagree
4 = Disagree
5 = Strongly disagree

1. We have similar religious beliefs and values. _______

2. We enjoy the same type of leisure activities. _______

3. We like each other’s friends. _______

4. We enjoy each other’s sense of humor. _______

5. We like to be with each other as much as we can. _______

6. We are willing to share whatever we have with each other. _______

7. We share our thoughts and feelings about even the most private topics. _______

8. We have similar political values and beliefs. _______

9. We are willing to listen to each other’s problems and help resolve each other’s problems. _______

10. We tend to agree on how to spend money and how to save money. _______

11. We support our partner’s interest and activities even if they differ from our own. _______

12. Our personal lives, work schedules, sleep habits, outside interests and activities,
fi t together harmoniously. _______

13. We work well together in making decisions. _______

14. We are able to resolve confl ict situations without getting too emotional or
aggressive toward one another. _______

15. Our efforts to work out differences usually bring us closer together. _______

16. We desire the same level of openness. _______

17. We are able to work out a division of tasks and who is responsible for specifi c responsibilities. _______

18. We are both neat or disorderly, etc. _______

19. We enjoy the same type of vacations and travel. _______

20. We share pleasant feelings and unpleasant feelings about each other and our relationship. _______

Scoring: Add up your total score. The higher the score the less compatible you seem to be: between 60–80. The
lower the score the more compatible you seem to be: between 20–40.

(continued)

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After you have completed the rating scale, answer the following questions:

1. Why is it important to have a lot in common with your mate?

2. How can you improve your relationship with your mate to make your relationship more compatible?

3. Do you think that two people who score high on this test could still be compatible? Explain.

290

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Name Date

291

Mate Selection
Purpose: To identify the characteristics that are most important to you in selecting the person you wish to date
or marry.

Instructions:

I. Rate each of the following factors according to their importance to you in selecting the person you would
wish to marry (#1 = most important characteristic, #18 = least important characteristic).

Intelligence Good looks
Emotional stability and maturity Ambition and industriousness
Good fi nancial prospects Dependable character
Similar educational background Good health
Sociability (friendly) Similar political backgrounds
Similar religious background Pleasing disposition
Desire for children Neatness
Refi nement Chastity
Mutual love and attraction Favorable social status or rating

II. List characteristics according to importance to you.
1. 10.

2. 11.

3. 12.

4. 13.

5. 14.

6. 15.

7. 16.

8. 17.

9. 18.

III. Divide into groups of three to four people. Discuss the following questions.
1. How do the top four characteristics on your list differ from the other members of your group? Explain.

2. Discuss why you think your top four characteristics are so important to you.

(continued)

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3. Do you think the importance of these characteristics would be different in different cultures or different
socio-economic income levels?

4. After discussing these characteristics with the group, would you change the order of your list? Why or
why not?

292

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Name Date

293

Rate-A-Mate
Purpose: To discover what is important to you and others in selecting a partner. What is important to you in select-
ing a prospective partner? What is important for other individuals in selecting a partner? How do you think people
from other cultures would respond to this survey?

Instructions:

1. Take the survey individually to see what is important to you in a prospective partner. (Make a copy before you
complete the survey.)

2. Give the survey to one of your parents, or someone at least twenty years older than you.

3. As a group or individually, you may want to select individuals from other cultures or different socio-economic
groups, or both.

4. If you are involved in a relationship presently, give this survey to your partner.

5. Take the survey again, but this time, circle the number as you see it relating to you. For example, give yourself a
4 if you feel your health is excellent, a 1 if you are not a good cook or housekeeper, etc.

Circle the number indicating the importance to you.

INDISPENSABLE DESIRED, BUT IRRELEVANT
OR EXTREMELY VERY HIGHLY NOT TERRIBLY OR
IMPORTANT DESIRED IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT

Good health 4 3 2 1

Good cook and housekeeper 4 3 2 1

Attractiveness 4 3 2 1

Pleasing disposition 4 3 2 1

Dependable character 4 3 2 1

Emotional stability 4 3 2 1

Desire for home and children 4 3 2 1

Refi nement 4 3 2 1

Good fi nancial prospect 4 3 2 1

Similar political background 4 3 2 1

Ambitious and industriousness 4 3 2 1

Chastity—No sexual intercourse before marriage 4 3 2 1

Sociable (friendly) 4 3 2 1

Favorable social status 4 3 2 1

Mutual interests 4 3 2 1

Similar educational background 4 3 2 1

Intelligence 4 3 2 1

Complementarity 4 3 2 1

Scoring: Add up your total score. If your score is within 15 points of another individual that took the survey
there is a high probability that you will get along well. But, the important aspect to consider is that your score
on each individual value is similar to the individuals who are important to you.

(continued)

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Discussion
1. How important is it for partners to have similar values? Can a couple be compatible with many dissimilar

values?

2. Are your values different from a person twenty years older than you? What are the differences? Why do you
think they have different values?

3. How do your values differ with people from different cultures and different socio-economic groups? Explain.

4. Do you think it should be important to have a partner whose score is similar to your score as you took the
survey the second time (as #5 in the instructions stated)? Explain.

5. What did you learn from this experience?

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Name Date

Divorce Panel
Purpose: To develop an understanding of some key issues to consider when divorce involves children.

Instructions:

1. Use class members who are from divorced families as the panel members.
2. Assume the remaining members of the class are all married with children. However, some have already fi led for

divorce, and some are considering divorce.
3. Therefore, what advice/wisdom from experience would the panel members give to the following questions?

Questions for Panel Members:

1. What general advice would you suggest in dealing with the children?

2. Should parents stay together for the kids? Why or why not?

3. Did the divorce of your parents have any impact on your personal views of marriage? If so, please explain.

4. Did the divorce have any impact on your dating relationships? If so, please explain.

5. As you think of important events in your life, weddings, for example, how will the divorce impact that event in
your life?

6. Did any of you feel that you lost a parent as a result of the divorce? Why or why not?

(continued)

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7. Did any of you feel that you gained a parent fi gure as a result of a step-parent relationship? Please explain, if
possible.

8. Did your relationship with your biological mother or father change as a result of having gained a step-parent?

Discussion
1. What is the reaction from the class members to the Divorce Panel experience?

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Name Date

297

Why People Get Divorced—Why People Get Married
Purpose:

■ To better understand why people divorce and what it requires to choose to remain married.
■ To get a better understanding of why people stay married.
■ To discover if unmarried individuals perceive the reasons for divorce differently than divorced individuals.
■ To discover whether unmarried, married, and divorced individuals have similar perceptions of why people stay

married.
Instructions:

I. Interview four to six people who have been divorced, four to six people who have never been married, and
four to six people who are married to fi nd out why they feel divorce generally occurs. (You may want to use
the form available at the end of this activity.)

II. Ask them what they would consider the major reason (in order of importance) for the high divorce rate in this
country. (Ask the divorced individuals to make this judgment based on their own experiences.)

III. Ask them what they would consider the major reasons (in order of importance) for staying married.

IV. Divide into small groups or have a large class discussion.

Discussion
1. Do any individuals consider unrealistic romantic expectations to be a contributing factor for getting divorced? If

so, what are they?

2. Do the divorced and the never-married people respond differently? If so, how would you characterize these
differences? If not, why do you think people agree on the basic causes even when they have had very different
experiences?

(continued)

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3. What seems to be the major reasons for divorce?

4. What seems to be the major reasons for staying married?

5. What could we do to prevent the high number of divorces in our society?

6. Did the exercise stimulate your thinking about yourself, your interpersonal style, and your relationships to your
fellow group members? Why or why not?

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Name Date Name Date

Marital Status Age

1. What would you consider the major reasons are for the high divorce rate in this country? (List in order of
importance) Note: Divorced individuals will need to make this judgment based on their own experiences.

2. What would you consider the major reasons are for staying married? (In order of importance)

3. What do you think could be done to decrease the divorce rate in the United States?

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Name Date

Developing Close Relationships
Learning Journal

Select the statement below that best defi nes your feelings about the personal value or meaning gained from this
chapter and respond below the dotted line.

I learned that I . . . I was surprised that I . . .

I realized that I . . . I was pleased that I . . .

I discovered that I . . . I was displeased that I . . .

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On her 70th birthday, Oprah Winfrey interviewed
Maya Angelou—a respected poet, writer, and educator.

Maya Angelou’s Words of Wisdom

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life

does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles

these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree

lights.

I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll

miss them when they’re gone from your life.

I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both

hands; you need to be able to throw something back.

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually

make the right decision.

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People

love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what

you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

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