Re-write essay using teacher and peer review

rough draft, teacher review, and peer review are attached. Also needs a new first paragraph.

Healthy Eating: Teens and Fast-Food Restaurants

Steven Bradley

University of Phoenix

Running head: HEALTHY EATING: TEENS AND FAST-FOOD 1

HEALTHY EATING: TEENS AND FAST-FOOD 4

“While many parents think fast-food is harmless to a typical teen’s diet, it can cause weight problems as well as health problems that can follow them thru adulthood.”

HEALTHY EATING: TEENS AND FAST-FOOD 2

Healthy Eating: Teens and Fast-Food Restaurants

How would you like your teen to be like my cousin? I have a cousin who weights almost 500lbs

and she is in her early twenties. Her parents found it easier to feed her fast-food for her meals,

due to their busy schedules while she was growing up. She has a lot of health issues now and

fights to live every day. She has problems breathing, walking and has type 2 diabetes. If she had

been taught at a young age about eating healthy she would not have these issues today. The

statistics show that teens that eat fast-food more than twice per week are over weight and end up

with health issues. My cousin is a good example that this is true.

Parents today do not watch what their children eat on a daily basis. Parents are working long

hours or just in a rush to get teens to soccer practice or gymnastics. The fast way to feed their

family and keep to their busy schedules is to stop at a fast-food restaurant on the way. The

children eat in the car while the parent is eating and driving them where they need to be. This

lifestyle is part of the problem. When teens are use to this, they tend to snack on unhealthy food

as well. Parents tend to purchase unhealthy snacks that are fast and available. When teens go to

the cabinet for a snack it is not fruit and vegetables that they see. It is snack cakes, and candy.

Teens that grow up from childhood eating this way will continue as teens and young adults.

“Home food environment of families who ate fast food for dinner more than three times a week

consisted of more chips and soda pop and less fruits and vegetables than families who ate fast

food less than three times a week. A higher frequency of fast food dinners was also associated

with obesity (University of Minnesota, 2007)”. This is why teens with two working parents are

more at risk to become obese.

Obesity in teens continues to dramatically increase during the 1990’s (Palo Alto Medical

Foundation n.d.). One reason is due to the consumption of fast-food more than twice per week.

More teens are left to themselves to find something to eat when at friends homes or out on the

town. The easy thing for a teen is to have fast-food to curb their hunger. Teens with a fast-food

restaurant within walking distance from their school are also at higher risk of obesity. This gives

them access to eat lunch there every day. One meal at a fast food restaurant is typically the

equivalent of a full day’s calorie intake (Andrews, 2007). “After 15 years, those who

ate at fast-food restaurants more than twice each week compared to less than once a week had

gained an extra ten pounds” (National Institutes of Health 2004). “Among children and teens

ages six to 19, 15 percent are overweight according to the 1999-2000 data, or triple what the

proportion was in 1980” (Palo Alto Medical Foundation n.d.). This means “almost 9 million

teens have weight problems” (Palo Alto Medical Foundation n.d.) and will have health issues in

the future if they are not taught what is healthy and good for them to eat. For teens and parents,

higher frequency of fast food meals was associated with eating significantly fewer fruits and

vegetables and drinking less milk. More fast food around the dinner table also meant pantry

shelves were stocked with more salty snacks and soda, creating poor access to healthy foods at

home. Parents who ate fast food often were more likely to be overweight than those who ate it

less (University of Minnesota, 2007). Teens that live close to these restaurants are at high risk for

obesity due to daily consumption during lunch. The risk factors for health issues in over weight

teens increases with every extra pound they put on.

Teens with weight issues are at risk for a number of health problems including heart disease,

type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, and some forms of cancer (Palo Alto Medical

Foundation n.d.). These health issues will follow teens into their adulthood. Being overweight

can also affect a person’s joints, breathing, sleep, mood, and energy levels. The numbers of

health issues that can arise for a teen overweight are great. They all start out with the weight

issue and end in health concerns that a teen should not have to deal with at such a young age.

Some teens health issues can also be a large factor in their weight issue. The majority of teens

that are unhappy for any reason (fights with classmates, parents, and lack of boyfriend or

girlfriend) they eat. The majority of teens never take the time to fix something healthy they go

for what is fast and available.

These health issues are very serious and could end with death. Teens should be made aware

by both their doctors and parents to these health issues and what the teens can expect in the

future. Most teens are very smart, and when health issues are explained in detail they will make

the correct choice to get healthy and well again. Teens have proven over the years that when well

informed about a subject they can and will make the right choice. Teens should be taught the

health issues that can arise from certain fast-food ingredients, to assist them when they are

looking for something to eat or snack.

Most teens do not have a clue regarding what ingredients are put into their food when eating

at fast food restaurants. For starters, McDonald’s eggs are made with the following ingredients;

sodium acid pyrophosphate, citric acid, and monosodium for starters (Andrews, 2007). These

ingredients are not only bad for your weight but some are not even allowed to be used in the

making of cat food as they have not been proven safe for animals (Andrews, 2007). Salads can

usually be counted on to be a “what you see is what you get” item. But McDonald’s adds some

interesting ingredients. Several salads have either cilantro lime glaze, or orange glaze

added. Along with many of McDonald’s sauces, both the cilantro lime glaze and the orange glaze

contain propylene glycol alginate. While propylene glycol is considered “GRAS” for human

consumption, it is not legal for use in cat food because the safety hasn’t been proven yet.

Propylene glycol is also used “As the killing and preserving agent in pitfall traps, usually used to

capture ground beetles” (Andrews, 2007). Some ingredients in fast foods can not be found in

local grocery stores because they are not food. They can be found at your local hardware store,

and low tox-antifreeze is one example (Andrews, 2007). This item and others like it are

consumed on a daily basis by teens today. These ingredients are some of the reasons teens have

weight issues, which causes health problems in the future. A Big MAC has 540 calories

(Andrews, 2007). Teens that eat at their local McDonald’s might consume one of these a day.

Add fries and a large soft drink and there went the day’s calorie allowance and possibly half of

tomorrow’s. All fast-food restaurants use the same ingredients to preserve their food (Andrews,

2007). The food is pre-made and shipped to each restaurant and needs to be preserved for the

shipping.

“Limiting fast food intake at home is one way families can attempt to improve eating habits

and the overall health of the family” (University of Minnesota, 2007). Teen’s that are not

properly taught how to eat healthy have weight and health issues that can follow them into

adulthood. Study’s show fast food eating more than twice a week causes weight issues in teens

that will follow with health issues. A teen can become a type 2 diabetic or have heart problems.

For parents interested in keeping their teens healthy they need to make sure their children are

taught how to eat healthy as children so these good habits are practiced into the teen years.

If after reading the facts I stated in my essay about fast-food being unhealthy, you still do not

believe it. Please reread my introduction about my cousin. Nobody wants to go thru the things

she has had to endure over the years. Parents need to take the time to teach their children about

healthy eating and the issues that can arise if they do not take care of themselves as they get

older.

Reference:

National Institutes of Health (December 30, 2004) Eating at Fast-food Restaurants More than

Twice Per Week is Associated with More Weight Gain and Insulin Resistance in Otherwise

Healthy Young Adults

Retrieved 7/18/09 from

http://www.nih.gov/news/pr/dec2004/nhlbi-30.htm

Palo Alto Medical Foundation (n.d.) Teen Obesity, Retrieved 7/18/09 from

http://www.pamf.org/teen/health/diseases/obesity.html

Andrews, J. (2007) Surprise Ingredients in Fast Food. Citizen Journalist. Retrieved on 7/18/09 from

http://www.naturalnews.com/022194.html

University of Minnesota (2007, January 9). Fast Food As Family Meals Limits Healthy Food

Intake, Increases Obesity Risk. ScienceDaily. Retrieved on (7/18/09) from

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/01/070108114306.htm

You scored 28/40 on this assignment. See my comments below in “Blue.”

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Week 7: Introduction and Conclusion	Points Possible	Points Earned	Comments
– The paper consists of an introduction and a conclusion for the expository essay that is added to the body paragraphs from Week 6. – The paper is also submitted to the Center for Writing Excellence and the Plagiarism Checker.		5		5	Yes. Thank you for completing the assignment in full and according to the instructions.
The introduction provides sufficient background on the topic, includes the thesis statement, and previews major points.		15	The main problem with the intro is the tone. It is based almost entirely on personal experience Remember, this is a research paper. Your job is to present facts, not comment on those facts. You must prove your argument with facts alone. As I have mentioned several times before, when you are constructing a piece of academic writing, you should always avoid referring to yourself or to your audience. That means no “you” “your” “my” “I” or “we”. Please eliminate these from your paper. In addition, your own personal experience should not appear anywhere in your writing. Statements that refer to yourself or to people you know are not appropriate here.
The conclusion is logical, flows from the body of the paper, and reviews the major points.	15	I like the way you constructed this section. It does a nice job of providing closure to your topic Remember, now that you have this completed; it is your job to ensure that all of the main points in your paper can be connected back to the ideas presented in the conclusion.
The tone is appropriate for the intended audience. Both sections are written in third-person point of view.	3	(See Comments Above)
Total Points Earned: 28/40	I would like to see some revision for these sections in your final draft. Once you the basic framework for the “bookends” of your paper, along with the rough draft you completed last week, you are nearing the final stages of the writing process. Moving forward, continue using the feedback you have received thus far to improve the organization and clarity of your writing for the final draft. Good luck!

Peer Review Checklist

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Associate Program Material

Peer Review Checklist*

What is the main point of this essay?	The main point of the essay is about teens eating a lot of fast food. Having these habits can cause risk factors and health issues.
What is the greatest strength of this essay?	I feel the greatest strengths of this essay is when the student states the risk factors and health issues that can occur if they continue to just eat fast food.
Does the introduction grab your interest and make you want to read on? Explain your answer.	No, I don’t feel it grabs my attention because the thesis: “While many parents think fast-food is harmless to a typical teen’s diet,(it starts out like a comparison using the word “while”) it can cause weight problems as well as health problems that can follow them through adulthood” I was hoping for an comparison, maybe the student can use a different word for the thesis sentence.
What material does not seem to fit the main point of the essay or does not seem to be appropriate for the audience?	The material I felt didn’t fit the main point and was inappropriate for the audience was when the student talks about why teens are unhappy for many reasons. I think it can be left out.
Where should the author add more details or examples? Explain your answer.	I like that the student talks about how fast food is a bad habit and how unhealthy it is, however the student should list healthier alternatives where the fast food can be replaced. Maybe suggest for the parents to pack the teen a lunch, with health snacks, eating last night leftovers. Parent and teen also can sit down and make a schedule by planning means together.
Where is the writing unclear or vague?	The writing is somewhat unclear where the student is stressing the point of fast food being a unhealthy food choice. With some of the repeated information, it hard to understand where the student is trying to go with this.
What is your favorite part of this piece of writing?	My favorite part of this piece of writing is when the student uses the example of their cousin. When you have that type of person in your life, it makes you want to change because you don’t want to go through the same thing they are going through. It also makes you want to help them but it does start with them wanting to help themselves first. Support is the main thing to have when a person is having this type of issue. Try to be there as much as possible physically, mentally, and emotionally.
What other comments might you provide for the author?	I like the topic that was chosen, however the student should do a spell check. Some of the words are not spelled right. Also, a lot of the material is repeated. I recommend doing a compare/contrast with the alternative food. Good Essay!

*Adapted from Reinking, J. A., Hart, A. W., & Von der Osten, R. (2001). Strategies for successful writing: A rhetoric, research guide, reader, and handbook (6th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-Hall.