incorporating feedback

Review the feedback you received from your instructor, your peer reviewer, and the Center for Writing Excellence.
Address the following questions in 300 to 500 words:

What feedback did you receive from your instructor?

o What feedback did you receive from the peer reviewer?

o What feedback did you receive from the Center for Writing Excellence?

o How did you determine whether or not to include the feedback in your paper?

o How will you incorporate the feedback into your paper?

o How does this feedback improve your expository essay?

Explain your answers with specific examples from the feedback.

While many parents think fast-food is harmless to a typical teen’s diet, it can cause weight problems as well as health problems that can follow them through adulthood.

How would you like your teen to be like my cousin? I have a cousin who weights almost 500lbs and she is in her early twenties. Her parents found it easier to feed her fast-food for her meals because of their busy schedules while she was growing up. She has a lot of health issues now and fights to live every day. She has problems breathing, walking and has Type 2 diabetes. If she had been taught at a young age about eating healthy, she would not have these issues today. The statistics show that teens that eat fast-food more than twice per week are over weight and end up with health issues. My cousin is a good example that this is true.

Parents today do not watch what their children eat on a daily basis. Parents are working long hours or just in a rush to get teen’s to soccer practice or gymnastics. The fast way to feed their family and make their schedules is to stop at a fast-food restaurant on the way. The children eat in the car while the parent is eating and driving them where they need to be. This lifestyle is part of the problem. When teens are use to this they tend to snack on unhealthy food as well. Parents tend to purchase unhealthy snacks that are fast and available. When teens go to the cabinet for a snack it is not fruit and vegetables that they see. It is snack cakes, and candy. Teens that grow up from childhood eating this way will continue as teens and young adults. It is said that children with two working parents eat fast-food two to three days a week compared to a child who has only one parent working. This is why teens with two working parents are more at risk to become obese.

Obesity in teens has increased over the years. One reason is due to the consumption of fast-food more than twice per week. More teens are left to themselves to find something to eat when at friends homes or out on the town. The easy thing for a teen that has not been taught differently is to have fast-food to curb their hunger. Teens with a fast-food restaurant with in walking distance from their school are also at higher risk of obesity. This gives them access to eat lunch there every day. One meal at a fast food restaurant is the equivalent of a full day’s calorie intake. This means that a normal teen that eats fast food more than twice per week compared to once per week will gain an average of 10 pounds. “Among children and teens ages six to 19, 15 percent are overweight according to the 1999-2000 data, or triple what the proportion was in 1980” (Palo Alto Medical Foundation). This means almost 9 million teens have weight problems and will have health issues in the future if they are not taught what is healthy and good for them to eat. Teens that are close to these restaurants are at high risk for obesity. The risk factors for health issues in over weight teens increases with every extra pound they put on.

Teens do not have a clue what ingredients are put into their food when eating at fast food restaurants. For starters McDonalds eggs are made with the following ingredients; Sodium acid pyrophosphate, citric acid, and monosodium for starters. These ingredients are not only bad for your weight but some are not even allowed to be used in the making of cat food as they have not been proven safe for animals. Some ingredients in fast foods can not be found in local grocery stores because they are not food. They can be found at your local hardware store, low tox antifreeze for one example. This item and others like it are consumed on a daily basis by teens today. These ingredients are some of the reasons teens have weight issues, which causes health problems in the future. A Big MAC has 540 calories. Teens that eat at their local McDondonald’s consumes one of these a day. Add fries and a large soft drink and there went the day’s calorie allowance and possibly half of tomorrows. All fast-food restaurants use the same ingredients to preserve their food. The food is pre-made and shipped to each restaurant and needs to be preserved for the shipping.

Teens that are not properly taught how to eat healthy have weight and health issues that can follow them into adulthood. Studies show eating fast-food more than twice a week causes weight issues in teens that will follow with health issues. A teen can become a type 2 diabetic, develop heart problems, as well as emotional and self-confidence issues. For parents interested in keeping their teens healthy, they need to make sure their children are taught how to eat healthy as children so these good habits are practiced into the teen years.

You scored 28/40 on this assignment. See my comments below in “Blue.”

Week 7: Introduction and Conclusion	Points Possible	Points Earned	Comments
– The paper consists of an introduction and a conclusion for the expository essay that is added to the body paragraphs from Week 6. – The paper is also submitted to the Center for Writing Excellence and the Plagiarism Checker.		5		5	Yes. Thank you for completing the assignment in full and according to the instructions.
The introduction provides sufficient background on the topic, includes the thesis statement, and previews major points.		15	The main problem with the intro is the tone. It is based almost entirely on personal experience Remember, this is a research paper. Your job is to present facts, not comment on those facts. You must prove your argument with facts alone. As I have mentioned several times before, when you are constructing a piece of academic writing, you should always avoid referring to yourself or to your audience. That means no “you” “your” “my” “I” or “we”. Please eliminate these from your paper. In addition, your own personal experience should not appear anywhere in your writing. Statements that refer to yourself or to people you know are not appropriate here.
The conclusion is logical, flows from the body of the paper, and reviews the major points.	15	I like the way you constructed this section. It does a nice job of providing closure to your topic Remember, now that you have this completed; it is your job to ensure that all of the main points in your paper can be connected back to the ideas presented in the conclusion.
The tone is appropriate for the intended audience. Both sections are written in third-person point of view.	3	(See Comments Above)
Total Points Earned: 28/40	I would like to see some revision for these sections in your final draft. Once you the basic framework for the “bookends” of your paper, along with the rough draft you completed last week, you are nearing the final stages of the writing process. Moving forward, continue using the feedback you have received thus far to improve the organization and clarity of your writing for the final draft. Good luck!

Peer Review Checklist

COM/150 Version 6

Associate Program Material

Peer Review Checklist*

What is the main point of this essay?	The main point of the essay is about teens eating a lot of fast food. Having these habits can cause risk factors and health issues.
What is the greatest strength of this essay?	I feel the greatest strengths of this essay is when the student states the risk factors and health issues that can occur if they continue to just eat fast food.
Does the introduction grab your interest and make you want to read on? Explain your answer.	No, I don’t feel it grabs my attention because the thesis: “While many parents think fast-food is harmless to a typical teen’s diet,(it starts out like a comparison using the word “while”) it can cause weight problems as well as health problems that can follow them through adulthood” I was hoping for an comparison, maybe the student can use a different word for the thesis sentence.
What material does not seem to fit the main point of the essay or does not seem to be appropriate for the audience?	The material I felt didn’t fit the main point and was inappropriate for the audience was when the student talks about why teens are unhappy for many reasons. I think it can be left out.
Where should the author add more details or examples? Explain your answer.	I like that the student talks about how fast food is a bad habit and how unhealthy it is, however the student should list healthier alternatives where the fast food can be replaced. Maybe suggest for the parents to pack the teen a lunch, with health snacks, eating last night leftovers. Parent and teen also can sit down and make a schedule by planning means together.
Where is the writing unclear or vague?	The writing is somewhat unclear where the student is stressing the point of fast food being a unhealthy food choice. With some of the repeated information, it hard to understand where the student is trying to go with this.
What is your favorite part of this piece of writing?	My favorite part of this piece of writing is when the student uses the example of their cousin. When you have that type of person in your life, it makes you want to change because you don’t want to go through the same thing they are going through. It also makes you want to help them but it does start with them wanting to help themselves first. Support is the main thing to have when a person is having this type of issue. Try to be there as much as possible physically, mentally, and emotionally.
What other comments might you provide for the author?	I like the topic that was chosen, however the student should do a spell check. Some of the words are not spelled right. Also, a lot of the material is repeated. I recommend doing a compare/contrast with the alternative food. Good Essay!

*Adapted from Reinking, J. A., Hart, A. W., & Von der Osten, R. (2001). Strategies for successful writing: A rhetoric, research guide, reader, and handbook (6th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

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While many parents think fast-food is harmless to a typical teen’s diet, it can cause weight problems as well as health problems that can follow them through adulthood.

How would you like your teen to be like my cousin? [Writing suggestion: Unless in a quote or a title, avoid rhetorical questions in academic writing. A good idea is to provide answers, not questions] I have a cousin who weights almost 500lbs [Avoid using abbreviations in academic writing, write them out (and in any case, do not attach an abbreviation to the number)] and [Grammar: A run-on sentence requires a comma before “and” (or other conjunction) linking main clauses] she is in her early twenties. Her parents found it easier to feed her fast-food for her meals because of their busy schedules while she was growing up. She has a lot of [Only commercial shipments and real estate are measured in lots. To use “a lot of” to mean “many,” “much,” or “a large amount” is a colloquialism (not universally clear). Use another term.] health issues now and fights to live every day. She has problems breathing, walking and has Type 2 diabetes. If she had been taught at a young age about eating healthy, she would not have these issues today. The statistics show that teens that eat fast-food more than twice per week are over weight and end up [Phrasal verb–these two words mean something different from the two words separately (looking up each word in the dictionary would not produce the meaning), which could cause misinterpretation in a business communication if the reader is not from your region (or country). Try different wording, such as “end,” “finish,” or “result”] with health issues. My cousin is a good example that this is true.

Parents today do not watch what their children eat on a daily basis [Wordiness: “on a daily basis” is not different from writing simply “daily”] . Parents are working long hours or just in a rush to get teen’s to soccer practice or gymnastics. The fast way to feed their family and make their schedules is to stop at a fast-food restaurant on the way. The children eat in the car while the parent is eating and driving them where they need to be. This lifestyle is part of the problem. When teens are use to this they tend to snack on unhealthy food as well. Parents tend to purchase unhealthy snacks that are [Writing suggestion: rewrite the sentence to remove “that are”] fast and available. When teens go to the cabinet for a snack it is not fruit and vegetables that they see. It is snack cakes, and candy. Teens that grow up from childhood eating this way will continue as teens and young adults. It is said that children with two working parents eat fast-food two to three days a week compared to a child who has only one parent working. This is why teens with two working parents are more at risk to become obese.

Obesity in teens has increased over the years. One reason is due to [Check word usage: This phrase is most accurate in referring to something owed ($5 due) or an arrival time (due at 6:00)–try “because” or “because of”] the consumption of fast-food more than twice per week. More teens are left to themselves to find something to eat when at friends homes or out on the town. The easy thing for a teen that has not been taught differently is to have fast-food to curb their hunger. Teens with a fast-food restaurant with in walking distance from their school are also at higher risk of obesity. This gives them access to eat lunch there every day. One meal at a fast food restaurant is the equivalent of a full day’s calorie intake. This means that a normal teen that eats fast food more than twice per week compared to once per week will gain an average of 10 pounds. “Among children and teens ages six to 19, 15 percent are overweight according to the 1999-2000 data, or triple what the proportion was in 1980” (Palo Alto Medical Foundation). This means almost 9 million teens have weight problems and will have health issues in the future [Redundancy: “in the future” is repetitive–“will have” means in the future] if they are not taught what is healthy and good for them to eat. Teens that are [Writing suggestion: rewrite the sentence to remove “that are”] close to these restaurants are at high risk for obesity. The risk factors for health issues in over weight teens increases with every extra pound they put on.

Teens with weight issues are at risk for a number of health problems including heart disease, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, and some forms of cancer (Palo Alto Medical Foundation). These health issues will follow teens into their adulthood. Being [Doctoral rule (but good advice for any academic writer)–If not a noun (as in “human being”), the word “Being” is hard to imagine; it means “existing.” Try to rewrite this without using “being”–with action words like “attending,” “working,” “living,” “experiencing,” simply “as”–or even removing “being” completely] overweight can also affect a person’s joints, breathing, sleep, mood, and energy levels. The numbers of health issues that can arise for a teen overweight are great. [Writing suggestion: “great” is an overworked word, too frequently seen, and too vague. It has too many meanings: huge, superior, numerous, etc. Use a more specific adjective] They all start out with the weight issue and end in health concerns that a teen should not have to deal with at such a young age. Some teen’s health issues can also be [This is smoother as “also can be”] a large factor in their weight issue. It is shone that if teens are unhappy for any reason (class mates, parents, and lack of boyfriend or girlfriend) they eat. No teen ever takes the time to fix something healthy they go for what is fast and available. These health issues are very serious and could end with death. Teens should be made aware by both their doctors and parents to these health issues and what the teens can expect in the future. Most teens are very smart, and when health issues are explained in detail they will make the correct choice to get healthy and well again. Teens have proven over the years that when well informed about a subject they can and will [Wordiness and redundant: if something “will,” surely it “can”] make the right choice. Teens should be taught the health issues that can arise from certain fast-food ingredient’s, to assist them when they are looking for something to eat or snack.

Teens do not have a clue what ingredients are put into their food when eating at fast food restaurants. For starters McDonalds [Misspelling: according to their website, the spelling of the fast-food company is “McDonald’s”] eggs are made with the following ingredients; Sodium acid pyrophosphate, citric acid, and monosodium for starters. These ingredients are not only bad for your weight but [For parallel construction, “not only” must be followed by “but also” later in the sentence] [Grammar: A run-on sentence requires a comma before “but” (or other conjunction) linking main clauses] some are not even allowed to be used in the making of cat food as they have not been proven safe for animals. Some ingredients in fast foods can not be found in local grocery stores because they are not food. They can be found at your local hardware store, low tox antifreeze for one example. This item and others like it are consumed on a daily basis [Wordiness: “on a daily basis” is not different from writing simply “daily”] by teens today. These ingredients are some of the reasons teens have weight issues, which causes health problems in the future. A Big MAC has 540 calories. Teens that eat at their local McDondonald’s consumes one of these a day. Add fries and a large soft drink and there went the day’s calorie allowance and possibly half of tomorrows. All fast-food restaurants use the same ingredients to preserve their food. The food is pre-made and shipped to each restaurant and needs to be preserved for the shipping.

Teens that are [Writing suggestion: rewrite the sentence to remove “that are”] not properly taught how to eat healthy have weight and health issues that can follow them into adulthood. Studies show eating fast-food more than twice a week causes weight issues in teens that will follow with health issues. A teen can become a type 2 diabetic, develop heart problems, as well as emotional and self-confidence issues. For parents interested in keeping their teens healthy, they need to make sure their children are taught how to eat healthy as children so these good habits are practiced into the teen years.

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